feeling defensive – The Lawyer Life Collective

They Don’t Like You

Humans are social animals. There is a part of us that is drawn to community. So when a seed is planted that we are not liked, it’s easy to become consumed with worries and fantasized arguments with others. Not only does this waste your energy in the moment, it’s typically unwarranted. When we get curious about our “I’m disliked” fantasies, we can uncover the root of the issue.

Blame

Just because our logic-reasoning skills have improved and we know that it’s not prudent to lie about things that are likely memorialized on camera, it doesn’t mean we have gotten any better at accepting the results of our actions. Most of us have just gotten really good at dressing our blame up in prettier clothing: victim clothing.

Why We Argue

Disagreements usually happen because we want to treat our thoughts as facts. We are clinging to our thoughts and treating them as if they are a universal truth that everyone, including our current adversary, should endorse. And when they don’t, we lose it.

How can this simple awareness change our tendency to argue?

People-ing

This year for the holidays, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships and our interactions with other people in our lives. The holidays often conjure up tense emotions and thoughts about family members and friends. Rather than looking forward to spending time with those we love, we often spend time re-hashing old fights and salting old wounds. How to deal.

Other Humans – How to Deal

So many of our day-to-day problems and stressors all boil down to one nasty little word: SHOULD. I should be nicer to my spouse. I should answer my phone when my brother calls. My boss should be more appreciative of me. My husband should take out the trash. My parents should respect my approach to parenting. I am willing to wager that if each of us could cut that nasty word out of our lives and changed nothing else, we would be markedly happier.

Where do these “shoulds” come from?