Over the years, I’ve published countless articles on decision making and the process for making decisions. Stated simplistically, the only way to make a decision is to ask yourself why would I do The Thing or why would I not do The Thing. That analysis will provide us with two lists of justifications and rationales. From there, we only have to examine those lists and identify which list resonates most closely with who we are and who we want to be and execute. (Obviously, lots of work to be done on that bit but you get the gist of it).

Recently, I have discovered that some of us struggle to get to the list of justifications and rationales because the decision itself is fraught with so much judgment. Some decisions simply cannot be hidden from the world — job changes, career changes, divorce, podcasts(!) — and because of that, they expose us to the judgment of others. For that reason, we sometimes feel like we can’t move forward at all because we treat one avenue (e.g., divorce, leaving your firm) as an admission of “failure.”

As a result we feel utterly STUCK.

When making those types of decisions it is often difficult for us to get to the part of the process where we weigh our justifications because we are stuck in fear at the possibility that one decision will expose us to some public shame and potentially be judged as a failure (and part of us agrees with that judgment which is a whole other discussion!). In those types of scenarios, it’s difficult for us to connect with any of the justifications because the decision feels so monumental and potentially leaves us exposed and therefore, it doesn’t really seem like a decision at all, it feels like social/career suicide.

For example, consider a decision to leave your current position. You may have a lot of great reasons to stay and various reasons to go. In coaching we would work through all of those reasons (hello, free coaching consult, anyone?) and identify those that are most in alignment with your core values and goals. But consider a situation where the idea of leaving your firm and switching to another is raw with the fear of public judgment and all of the attendant shame. For some of us, we are unable to even explore our personal justifications for staying or going because, in our minds, we make only one decision viable and we equate the alternative decision with failure and public shaming.

It’s nearly impossible to dig into our options available to us when emotionally we firmly believe that one option is an admission of failure and will subject us to shame and ridicule by those around us.

It’s not unusual for the women that I encounter in my practice to feel that very way. They feel like there are no options available to them and that the only choice they have is to stay where they are regardless of their reasons for ever considering an exit. They believe that to leave is a failure and that everyone around them will also see it in the same light. That if they were to leave, even for reasons that made sense to them, they would be judged and found wanting:

They couldn’t hack it…they gave up…they weren’t cut out for it anyway…they didn’t have what it takes…

Some decisions like leaving a job or getting a divorce cannot be hidden from the outside world for long. Because of that, many of us refrain from making any changes to those aspects of our lives because we see the decision itself as an admission of failure. Even when a divorce or leaving a job may be the best decision for us and the path most in alignment with who we want to be, we are hesitant to take the leap because we believe that leaving a job or getting a divorce is a shameful public failure. That in making those decisions we will become outsiders disconnected from the rest of our circle.

Admittedly, I felt the same way each time I have dramatically adjusted my career or my life. Leaving one firm for another, going in-house, starting my own firm, getting a divorce…every time, I could hear the judgments of others echoing through my mind. None of those decisions were of the kind that I could hide from everyone else around me including those who would happily judge me. There are just certain decisions that will always be part of your lifetime highlight reel.

Getting a divorce, changing jobs, changing careers are some of those decisions. But for that reason, I believe that it is those very types of decisions that forge us into the people we are meant to be.

Those are the types of decisions that, because they cannot be hidden, we will be open and available for public scrutiny and judgment. And we often allow that potential judgment of others to bring us shame and create fear and paralysis around the decision. We can allow that potential for judgment to keep us from doing the things that we know are right for ourselves.

Or, we can use the knowledge that others may judge the decision to make us stronger. To recognize that as humans, judging others and judging our surroundings, is simply part of what we do. To acknowledge that others’ judgments are beyond our control and simply a part of life that cannot dictate our path. There is something incredibly empowering about making these huge momentous decisions knowing that everybody around you is going to see them and likely judge them but forging ahead anyway.

It is these types of decisions that really call us to stand in our truth to be vulnerable and to commit to being wholly and truly ourselves.

These decisions provide us an opportunity to develop self-confidence in the face of others’ judgment and in the face of our own personal self-doubt. It is that very kind of vulnerability that brings us closer to our people. When we allow fear and shame to set our course it actually divides us from everyone around us because we commit to living inauthentically and never letting anyone see our real desires.

But rather, when we invest in our truth, make those momentous decisions and be vulnerable, it actually brings us closer to the people in our lives because we invite them to really SEE us.

It’s not about making decisions that are free from judgment by others. It’s about making decisions knowing that not everybody’s going to agree with them but doing it anyway because they are the right decisions for you and you are willing to choose yourself and your path over the thoughts and criticisms of others.

If you find yourself paralyzed and unable to take action on a decision, consider whether you are making the decision itself an admission of a failure or whether you are afraid to expose yourself to judgment. Why would you allow yourself to see your true path as a failure? Instead, consider whether embracing this public “failure” and all the potential judgment that goes with it, might be your greatest and most beautiful evolution opportunity.

The biggest and scariest decisions I have ever made in my life were the kinds that opened me up to public ridicule and judgment. Those decisions have also been my greatest accomplishments.

Photo by Andres Ayrton

The truth underneath that notion is that when we allow ourselves to delay action until it can be done perfectly, we are really just trying to protect ourselves from failure.

But what I often see happening is that perfectionism morphs into complete inaction; permission to remain in place. I’m not ready to move forward yet so I’m just going to stay where I am.

It is not logical to believe that we can plan everything to such an extent that we can eliminate all risk of failure.

You are going to have to risk failure if you are ever going to act.

Those that work with me regularly know that I believe perfectionism is for scared people and I’m not the only one who objects to perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionism is a just a prettier word for self-protection.

While I agree that we must all act in a manner that protects ourselves in the highest sense, that self-protective impulse is not relevant when it comes to commonplace activities — applying for a new job, reaching out for support, finishing a large project, sending an email. So many of us apply that self-preservation impulse to those every day tasks and the net result is that we don’t apply for the job, we never reach out for support, and we agonize over the tiniest details of projects and simple emails. Our work takes longer and our emotional fortitude wanes.

When we allow ourselves to linger in preparation mode rather than simply acting, not only do we prolong our current state (assuming we will EVENTUALLY act, which is not always the case, some of us prepare indefinitely) but we rob ourselves of the opportunity to create self-confidence.

Self-confidence is not something we are born with; it is something we create for ourselves.

How do we build it? We take action and fail and develop the ability to move forward despite the failure. When we know we can survive failure, heartache, embarrassment, shame, humiliation and all the other fantastic emotions that accompany failure, we learn to trust ourselves. We realize that we can weather any storm, overcome all those negative emotions. In that experience we develop confidence in ourselves because we know we can do and survive anything that comes our way.

Naturally, that means that in order to become more confident, we must fail. We must take action and set ourselves up to experience failure. If we don’t ever experience failure and adversity, how can we learn to trust in our ability to do and survive anything?

If we play it safe forever, allowing ourselves to linger in preparation so that when we do act, we can act perfectly (as if that ever really works) we prevent ourselves from simply acting and taking the chance that we might fail.

At the same time, we rob ourselves of the possibility that we might act and do it perfectly the first time. It just might work out! All those details you wants to distress over and sift through might never even matter. But you won’t know until you take the risk.

When we linger in preparation we imply that it is possible to know exactly what is needed for success and what is necessary to prevent failure. That is ridiculous.  If that were true, our lives would be very different. The truth is that we never know what will work or won’t work until we start acting and learning all the things that didn’t work.

When my clients explain to me why they aren’t taking action on things or why they are taking so long to complete their work, I challenge them to experiment with the concept of B- work. What if you allowed yourself to present B- work where it was warranted? What if you allowed yourself to recognize that sometimes done is actually better than perfect? What if you accepted that all the minutia, all those nagging second-guessing thoughts might not actually be important to the overall project? What if a client wants a B- answer and doesn’t want to pay for a A+ dissertation-worthy response?

What is the worst that could happen if you just committed to acting and stopped second-guessing?

Embarrassment…shame,…guilt…?

Those are all just vibrations in your body, caused by your thoughts. YOU and how you talk to yourself when things don’t go as planned, THAT is what causes those emotions.

The beauty of it all is that you control those thoughts and you can decide what you want to make it mean when your commitment to action is met with failure. 

It doesn’t have to mean that you are a failure or that you aren’t cut out for your job. It could simply mean that you learned how to not do something; you can add that learning to your arsenal, practice experiencing the feelings of embarrassment of guilt and just keep moving.

Without acceptance of failure, you will never create meaningful success. The price for success is repetitious failure. The process of repetitious failure creates self-confidence. What do you have to lose?

Are you wanting to take action but can’t figure out how to get moving? One session can make all the difference. Sign up for free session and get started creating the life you really want.

Photo by Karyme França from Pexels

Should is such a worthless word. The word “should” only matters when we are talking about something factual, provable, demonstrable. My coffee pot should turn on when I plug it in. My email should transmit when I click send. The light should turn on when I flip the switch.

“Should” makes sense in this scenario because these things are designed to operate in a certain way. There’s a manual that supports your conclusion that these machines are supposed to act in a certain way. You bought them for a very specific purpose, to perform a very clear task. We know what this thing is supposed to do: it is widely understood and accepted.

That usage has no translation to human beings. There is no manual, there is no widely understood and accepted understanding of how we are supposed to act.

You can argue religious mores and social norms all you like; they are not universally held or agreed upon.

But yet here we are, constantly telling ourselves what we “should” be doing. How we are supposed to act.

As a practicing lawyer, I often find myself in situations where people that I love want me to help them sort out their legal struggles. (For background, my specialty is in ERISA, taxes, DOL/IRS funsies.) In all honesty, my utility in helping family and friends with their legal issues is fairly limited. File a lawsuit? No thanks, my secretary knows more about that than I do (she also supports a busy litigator).  It’s difficult for non-lawyers to appreciate that lawyers, like doctors, have their own unique specialties. Just as you would not ask a gynecologist to opine on your ear ache, asking an ERISA attorney to advise you on your divorce is ill-advised (for all parties).

But yet, so many of my clients struggle with saying no.

They have a hard time admitting that they don’t know all aspects of the law. They have a hard time saying “no” to their loved ones who want support for their legal challenges. They know enough to be dangerous and can probably “figure it out.”

So many of my clients back themselves into a corner, agreeing to do things that they don’t REALLY want to do, things that they shouldn’t do, things that ask them to color outside the lines. They agree to do it because they feel like they “should” help as much as they can. But then as they settle into the work, they are fuming. How could they have asked me to do this? How rude of them to expect that I have time for this? They should be paying someone to do this (not me!).

Instead of being honest with the people in our lives, we mislead them and mischaracterize our interest in helping. In other words, we lie to them and then we get angry for having to do the work. We pretend like these other people forced us into this predicament. Why? Because we SHOULD help.

What would it be like to have an honest and authentic conversation with these people instead of lying to them? What would it be like to believe

I can help them to the best of my ability without taking on this project for them. I can support from the sidelines.

This goes for all areas of our lives where we struggle to say NO to those we love.

We want them to love us, admire us, believe in us.

We are so willing to trade our own truth for the possibility of them thinking about us in a certain way. This is really very simple manipulation! But here’s the truth, you can’t control what they think of you. So it’s a totally FUTILE manipulation attempt.

What’s more, you can decide what you want to make it mean when you say “no.” You can choose to believe that you are letting them down and that you SHOULD help them. Or you can choose to believe that loving them and  being honest with them is your greatest contribution.

You can support your loved ones and not agree to do things you don’t want to do.

Seek authenticity and honesty in all your relationships. It is okay to say “No” when you want to say no.

You don’t need a good reason for it and you don’t need to explain yourself. There is no manual you must follow, you get to do whatever you want because you are a human. Period.

What is the upside of doing that thing you didn’t want to do? How much fun is it to fume about the project every step of the way and beat yourself up for saying yes? How is that serving the relationship?

As lawyers, we have a lot of experience and knowledge that we can offer those around us. With that ability comes the need to set clear boundaries and honor yourself by learning when to say no.

Invest in your relationships and invest in your own integrity. Your relationships will thrive because of it.

Having a challenging relationship? Need help saying no? I’m free if you are.

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Too often we subscribe to the notion that there is a right way to “do life.”

I had a client named Grace who had a knack for setting and achieving huge goals. She had tremendous success in her life but periodically found herself spinning with indecision and inaction. When I asked her what was going on in her head she said that she was stuck in a “battle of shoulds”… “I should be focusing on my business but at the same time I should be focusing on my relationship and also making time to remodel and sell my house.”

When I pressed her to explain what the problem was, it wasn’t simply a matter of stress or feeling overwhelmed. Instead, her predominant feeling was guilt. She was swimming in shame and guilt and it was paralyzing her.

As we worked through her thoughts, we uncovered a deep-seated and oppressive set of expectations she had placed upon herself. In her manual for herself, she was not supposed to be stressed. She was supposed to be able to handle everything in stride without batting an eyelash. She was not supposed to be overwhelmed despite the convergence of some very monumental events in her life—she was moving and selling a home and creating a new business and starting a new relationship and starting a new job all at the same time. She was “supposed” to be able to compartmentalize her life and schedule everything out in an orderly fashion for maximum efficiencies. She was “supposed to” have enough time to focus on everything. And do it with a smile on her face.

As she was struggling to juggle it all and take it in stride, she was beating herself up for being exhausted and worn out. She was unwilling to recognize that her life was changing significantly and that it would be a challenge to keep it all in play. She was unwilling to cut herself some slack even just for a few weeks while everything else got sorted. She was vehemently resisting the chaos and pushing back against the stress she was feeling. She was so hard on herself and had put such incredible expectations on herself that she was just swimming in guilt and self-deprecation.

She should be doing better…handling this better…getting everything done…shouldn’t be feeling like this etc. She was truly invested in her belief that she should be able to handle it all without any problem at all and without taking anything off her ‘to do’ list. When I asked her why it bothered her so much to allow some things to go to the back burner for a few weeks while she carried out some of these transitions, she said doing so made her feel like a failure. Like she was a quitter. She felt guilty for giving up. She should be able to do it all.

Guilt is the flower that grows from self-judgment. Life is not always going to lend itself to perfect order. Sometimes it’s messy and chaotic. That is life.

By struggling against that reality, you invite yourself to judge yourself. To judge your ability to “handle it.” People get so stuck in the thoughts that It shouldn’t be like this, it should be easier. They blame themselves when things get hard and they struggle. Those self-judgments create ugly emotions that inhibit our ability to work through life’s challenges with grace and dignity. When we indulge in those emotions, we fail to grow from life’s challenges. This is the emotional equivalent of putting our heads in the sand.

Grace wanted to show up strong and compassionate and flexible—willing to ride the rollercoaster and do her best to keep everything moving. To accept that challenge and recognize that it might be stressful and tiring and that was okay. To bend but not break in the middle of the hurricane. To allow things to give where necessary.

That was far from her reality. Instead she was beating herself up for the struggle and challenges she was facing. She felt shameful and depressive because she believed It shouldn’t be this hard, I should be able to handle it. She was not riding the waves of change but instead she was drowning in them because her guilt and shame kept her from making any real progress.

By simply bringing awareness to the “manual” she was maintaining for herself, Grace was able to cultivate thoughts of compassion and love for herself. She approached herself gently and accepted that these next few weeks could not be reduced to a simple schedule. She opened herself up to the unknown and approached her life from a place of peace and love, accepting the challenges as they came.

Embrace uncertainty but do not take guilt and self-judgment along for the journey. Allow yourself to let go and loosen up and ride the waves. Life was never meant to be calm waters all the time.

This year, make a resolution to be kinder to yourself. To love yourself and have compassion for yourself, including your weaknesses. Choose to make an investment in you.

Cheers to a new year!