Over the years, I’ve published countless articles on decision making and the process for making decisions. Stated simplistically, the only way to make a decision is to ask yourself why would I do The Thing or why would I not do The Thing. That analysis will provide us with two lists of justifications and rationales. From there, we only have to examine those lists and identify which list resonates most closely with who we are and who we want to be and execute. (Obviously, lots of work to be done on that bit but you get the gist of it).

Recently, I have discovered that some of us struggle to get to the list of justifications and rationales because the decision itself is fraught with so much judgment. Some decisions simply cannot be hidden from the world — job changes, career changes, divorce, podcasts(!) — and because of that, they expose us to the judgment of others. For that reason, we sometimes feel like we can’t move forward at all because we treat one avenue (e.g., divorce, leaving your firm) as an admission of “failure.”

As a result we feel utterly STUCK.

When making those types of decisions it is often difficult for us to get to the part of the process where we weigh our justifications because we are stuck in fear at the possibility that one decision will expose us to some public shame and potentially be judged as a failure (and part of us agrees with that judgment which is a whole other discussion!). In those types of scenarios, it’s difficult for us to connect with any of the justifications because the decision feels so monumental and potentially leaves us exposed and therefore, it doesn’t really seem like a decision at all, it feels like social/career suicide.

For example, consider a decision to leave your current position. You may have a lot of great reasons to stay and various reasons to go. In coaching we would work through all of those reasons (hello, free coaching consult, anyone?) and identify those that are most in alignment with your core values and goals. But consider a situation where the idea of leaving your firm and switching to another is raw with the fear of public judgment and all of the attendant shame. For some of us, we are unable to even explore our personal justifications for staying or going because, in our minds, we make only one decision viable and we equate the alternative decision with failure and public shaming.

It’s nearly impossible to dig into our options available to us when emotionally we firmly believe that one option is an admission of failure and will subject us to shame and ridicule by those around us.

It’s not unusual for the women that I encounter in my practice to feel that very way. They feel like there are no options available to them and that the only choice they have is to stay where they are regardless of their reasons for ever considering an exit. They believe that to leave is a failure and that everyone around them will also see it in the same light. That if they were to leave, even for reasons that made sense to them, they would be judged and found wanting:

They couldn’t hack it…they gave up…they weren’t cut out for it anyway…they didn’t have what it takes…

Some decisions like leaving a job or getting a divorce cannot be hidden from the outside world for long. Because of that, many of us refrain from making any changes to those aspects of our lives because we see the decision itself as an admission of failure. Even when a divorce or leaving a job may be the best decision for us and the path most in alignment with who we want to be, we are hesitant to take the leap because we believe that leaving a job or getting a divorce is a shameful public failure. That in making those decisions we will become outsiders disconnected from the rest of our circle.

Admittedly, I felt the same way each time I have dramatically adjusted my career or my life. Leaving one firm for another, going in-house, starting my own firm, getting a divorce…every time, I could hear the judgments of others echoing through my mind. None of those decisions were of the kind that I could hide from everyone else around me including those who would happily judge me. There are just certain decisions that will always be part of your lifetime highlight reel.

Getting a divorce, changing jobs, changing careers are some of those decisions. But for that reason, I believe that it is those very types of decisions that forge us into the people we are meant to be.

Those are the types of decisions that, because they cannot be hidden, we will be open and available for public scrutiny and judgment. And we often allow that potential judgment of others to bring us shame and create fear and paralysis around the decision. We can allow that potential for judgment to keep us from doing the things that we know are right for ourselves.

Or, we can use the knowledge that others may judge the decision to make us stronger. To recognize that as humans, judging others and judging our surroundings, is simply part of what we do. To acknowledge that others’ judgments are beyond our control and simply a part of life that cannot dictate our path. There is something incredibly empowering about making these huge momentous decisions knowing that everybody around you is going to see them and likely judge them but forging ahead anyway.

It is these types of decisions that really call us to stand in our truth to be vulnerable and to commit to being wholly and truly ourselves.

These decisions provide us an opportunity to develop self-confidence in the face of others’ judgment and in the face of our own personal self-doubt. It is that very kind of vulnerability that brings us closer to our people. When we allow fear and shame to set our course it actually divides us from everyone around us because we commit to living inauthentically and never letting anyone see our real desires.

But rather, when we invest in our truth, make those momentous decisions and be vulnerable, it actually brings us closer to the people in our lives because we invite them to really SEE us.

It’s not about making decisions that are free from judgment by others. It’s about making decisions knowing that not everybody’s going to agree with them but doing it anyway because they are the right decisions for you and you are willing to choose yourself and your path over the thoughts and criticisms of others.

If you find yourself paralyzed and unable to take action on a decision, consider whether you are making the decision itself an admission of a failure or whether you are afraid to expose yourself to judgment. Why would you allow yourself to see your true path as a failure? Instead, consider whether embracing this public “failure” and all the potential judgment that goes with it, might be your greatest and most beautiful evolution opportunity.

The biggest and scariest decisions I have ever made in my life were the kinds that opened me up to public ridicule and judgment. Those decisions have also been my greatest accomplishments.

Photo by Andres Ayrton

I don’t want to do this……I shouldn’t have to do this….this is stupid…..this is a waste of my time…

When our brain goes on this tirade it’s incredibly difficult not to jump on this whiny bandwagon, throw our hands in the air, stamp our feet on the ground and throw some middle fingers whatever grown-up obligation affronts us.

Not only is this resistance an incredible waste of our energy it ignores the essential nature of life.

All things are yin and yang and there are always going to be things that we simply don’t want to do. It is during those moments when we can rise up as fully grown humans and accept that even when there are things we don’t want to do, we must simply accept that part of life and proceed anyway.

Whether we have set a lofty goal that requires us to show up, get out of bed early, or do things that we wouldn’t otherwise normally do, or when we find ourselves realizing that there are parts of our jobs that we simply detest (hello, fake deadlines, anyone?), they are all experiences confronting us with a very basic fact of life: there are always going to be things, parts of our jobs, people, activities, etc. that we simply don’t like or that we simply don’t want to do.

I, personally, would like to exercise my veto authority over recurring meetings that do not involve a matter of life or death.

The more we give attention to our objections, the larger and louder they grow and with that, the tension within us increases and our resistance grows stronger. All of those components combine to make it more and more difficult to simply follow through and show up for the adult parts of our lives. Never mind the mental and emotional toll this takes on our bodies and spirits.

In those moments I find it helpful to simply acknowledge the resistance and take ownership of the fact that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do.

Rather than railing against ourselves and judging ourselves for not wanting to do it or making excuses to avoid doing it, what if we simply owned the fact that we don’t want to do it, that we don’t like doing it, and that we are struggling to follow through? In conjunction with that exploration what if we could simply ask ourselves to just do it despite the fact that we don’t want to?

In either case we are creating a habit — a habit of making excuses, guilting ourselves to action, showing up negatively, or giving up entirely OR a habit of following through despite our own resistance.

When we acknowledge that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but that we are willing to do them for reasons that matter to us, it calms the waters of resistance. When we acknowledge that there are things that we simply don’t want to do and that it’s okay to not want to do them, we can allow judgment to pass us by and we can stay present with our own reality.

There are always going to be things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but we can make peace by acknowledging why it’s important for us to do them anyway and taking stock of our willingness to do things even when we don’t want to because it aligns with our higher purpose and intentions.

There is no need to judge ourselves for experiencing the normal yin and yang of life.

Rather, we can honor this human experience including all its goods and bads and recognize what we like and what we don’t like. In doing so, we can resolve to take ownership of what we are willing to do in furtherance of our larger goals and in alignment with our true intentions even when we don’t want to do those things. That is complete power and ownership over our lives and allows us to slip out of the victim mentality that often comes when we stew in those I don’t want to lines of thinking.

Set a goal and when it comes down to executing and your brain cries, I don’t want to….recognize that is not a sign that you need to stop. That is simply your biological discomfort with doing hard things. Then, do it anyway because it is in furtherance of who you want to be, accepting that we rarely want to do the hard work. The question is whether you are willing to.

Not wanting to do something is irrelevant, the question is whether you are willing to do what is needed in furtherance of your goals. That is what distinguishes your dreams from your reality.

Photo by Stephen Andrews

I recently had a client that was going through the process of finding another job. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go in-house or if she wanted to go to a smaller firm but she did know one thing for certain: she wanted out of her current firm. As she was moving along through various parallel interviewing processes, she was struggling and feeling hopeless. On its face, she had secured some pretty amazing final round of interviews with some pretty amazing companies and pending offers. Despite all of this, she was convinced that she didn’t have what it takes and that none of them were going to work out. She resisted any feelings of hopefulness and excitement about her prospects and instead concluded that she was never going to get out of her firm. She was failing ahead of time, assuming the worst before it even happens.

So many of my clients are making career changes right now–both in and out of traditional legal roles. If that is you, grab a free consult and take advantage of my experience. Let’s craft a plan for your next step.

So many of us do this. Instead of allowing ourselves to be hopeful and believe in ourselves and our futures, we decide that it’s better to feel disappointed now and not get our hopes up so that we don’t have to deal with BIGGER disappointment later. We don’t want to be surprised by our own lack of success. So instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy feelings of hopefulness and to get excited for the future, we start feeling disappointed about the future. We fail ahead of time, anticipating the negative results and feeling terrible now, before we really have any evidence of failure or any real reason to feel terribly.

The whole process is long, drawn out, self-created misery without regard to the facts of the situation.

We beat ourselves up for getting excited. We beat ourselves up for getting distracted and thinking about the future. We tell ourselves that we’re stuck and that nothing is ever going to change.

What kind of a story is that?

If this were a movie and the main character was about to make a huge change in her life for the better, to fight for her happiness, and go after what she really wanted, would we want to watch her sit in misery and disappointment during that whole process? Or would we want to see her show up confidently, believing that she was going to make it happen regardless of the number of setbacks?

Making a change is never easy and our first “solution” rarely works out. We all know this to be true but for whatever reason we seem surprised and disappointed when our first attempts don’t pan out. We don’t want to experience disappointment over and over again so instead we sit in quiet disappointment and discontent the entire time.

This practice of trying and doing and assuming failure before it even happens is problematic for two reasons.

First, when we utilize this process over and over again in our lives, we do not become skilled at experiencing true disappointment. We withhold excitement and hopefulness from ourselves and instead wallow in a kind of a mild disappointment and failure anticipation. We never allow full on disappointment to meet us because we never allow ourselves to feel hopeful or excited. You can’t crash if you never allow yourself to soar. That lack of experience and lack of understanding of how to deal with and process REAL disappointment is part of the reason we’re so invested in this cycle. We don’t know how to experience disappointment so we just keep trying to prevent it by never giving room to hope.

We are avoiding the full spectrum of the human experience. Unless and until we learn how to experience and process real disappointment, this cycle will always be persuasive. It is a sign that we are trying to protect ourselves from feeling something negative. But the only way to make that negative feeling less scary and more accessible is to allow ourselves to actually experience it instead of trying to insulate ourselves from it. With that work we become less afraid of failure and more willing to live and breathe in hopefulness for the future. From that space, failure across-the-board becomes so much less scary because we know how to handle, experience, and process feelings of disappointment without allowing them to completely devastate us.

Second, the other problem with this cycle is that it still involves feelings of disappointment. While they may be less intense, they are certainly more drawn out. Rather than allowing ourselves to experience the positive emotions of hopefulness and excitement for a period of time and then experience full on disappointment if things don’t work out, we choose instead to live in mild disappointment for a longer period of time until we ascertain the facts to determine whether or not our disappointment is warranted. In other words we choose weeks of mild disappointment as opposed to weeks of happiness and excitement followed by a brief period of disappointment (but only if that worst case scenario actually happens!).

Why would we withhold positive feelings from ourselves and instead choose long and drawn out periods feeling hopeless and stuck? Are we really so wed to the avoidance of negative emotions that we want to withhold positive experiences and feelings from ourselves? What if things do pan out and you waste all of that time just feeling terrible for nothing? There are no rewards from failing ahead of time. It’s just self-flagellation.

I can’t imagine that anyone who has achieved anything noteworthy in this life did so assuming and expecting that it wasn’t going to work out.

Call it blind hope or delusional all you want, I know for certain that when I am living in hope and faith in my path, I show up more in alignment with who I want to be and I take actions in furtherance of my goals. If and when disappointment comes to the party, we can experience that part of our path as well and allow the ebbs and flows of life. In that way, we learn to understand disappointment so we no longer have to fail ahead of time to try and avoid it. We can embrace the yin and yang of life!

There are all these rules about how we are supposed to live and how things are supposed to work out and many of us wholeheartedly believe these rules and it is stagnating us.

I recently had a client who was struggling to figure out her next move and she was struggling to make a decision. She was examining certain career opportunities available to her and she was convinced that they were all mutually exclusive. She believed that she had to pursue her legal career or her passion for social change. She believed that she had to be an educator or an attorney. She felt that she was at a crossroads and the only way to move forward was to make a dramatic change one way or the other. She was paralyzed by the

tyranny of the or. 

During our session together, we were able to explore the possibility that maybe none of her dreams need to be mutually exclusive: it’s possible to have a legal career and do lobbying work. It’s possible to be an attorney and support nonprofits with their legislative work. It’s possible to be an attorney and an educator.

When we allow our ourselves to buy into either/or propositions, our brain is not able to see the solutions available to us. (Hello, confirmation bias, you old goat!)

When we feel like we are faced with mutually exclusive options, our duty as evolving humans is to challenge these prescribed rules and ask:

Why can’t we do both? What could that look like?

Does one choice really have to eclipse the other?

Is there some way we could make both options work?

How do we know that we can’t do both?

The only way you will ever know the answer to these questions is if you ditch the tyranny of the or and invest in both and thinking.

If you catch yourself feeling stuck and unsure what to do next ask yourself whether you are subscribing mutually exclusive thinking. Instead consider ways that you can make all options work for you in this moment.

I encounter all sorts of professionals whose lives are multifaceted and well-rounded. Women who are invested in both and thinking and committed to living a well-rounded life that incorporates everything they want. They don’t allow their lives to be a series of black and white options: they subscribe to both and  thinking.

If this is appealing to you, I would love to visit with you and see how we can get you closer to a balanced, both and kind of life. Grab a free consult and let’s get to work.

This doesn’t necessitate any large life changes but can be applied at the simplest and most basic levels. I can’t work out and get my work done. I can’t get enough sleep and finish these projects. I can’t have a social life and have a career.

The next time you catch yourself in one of these simplistic lines of thinking, ask yourself whether this is a middle ground. For instance, if you are stuck thinking I can’t work out and get my work done, what if you only tried to work out for 30 minutes instead of an hour? What if you identified projects that don’t need an A+ finish and used that extra time to workout?

When we allow ourselves to ditch the tyranny of the or, we are often amazed at the solutions that manifest just to being open to new possibilities.

Photo by DS stories

To illustrate this point, I’ve been thinking through accomplishments in history where it’s clear that the champions were able to challenge the thinking of the time in order to create something great.

One thing that most readily came to mind was the concept that our earth is flat. And yes, I have seen the Netflix documentary Flat Earth exploring those of us who continue to subscribe to the belief that our earth is, in fact, flat. Flat Earth people aside, let’s consider the thinking that led to the discovery that our earth is actually round. In order to take the actions that ultimately confirmed the earth’s spherical shape, early thinkers from Pythagoras, Eratosthenes, Aristotle, Plato, Columbus, etc. had to be open to the possibility that the current thinking about the earth was wrong. They had to consider the possibility that everything we had always thought might not be the absolute truth. At the time, these men might not have known how right they were but at least they were open to the possibility.

We cannot do great things while carrying with us opposing beliefs.

These historical figures could not have generated the confidence and curiosity to challenge the theory of the earth’s flatness while being equally invested in the belief that the earth was flat. They had to shake that belief loose and consider the possibility that it might not be absolute. They were open to challenging the predominant certainties.

While this may seem an obvious and unnecessary exploration of history, I point this out because so often my clients are unwilling to dive into the ugly parts of their own brains. They want to develop the pretty thoughts and motivating thoughts or the thoughts that will generate action for them. They don’t want to spend time rolling up their sleeves and looking at their negative thinking and challenging those beliefs.

This is counterproductive and will serve only to create greater cognitive dissonance for my clients as they try to move forward. It’s like stretching a rubber band until it snaps back together — sure, you can make progress in that direction but the progress is never permanent; you always end up right back where you started. You simply cannot generate new action and new results from the same set of beliefs — you have to start thinking and feeling differently.

This requires us to challenge our existing thinking. 

In order to take action in a new direction, we need to generate emotions that will drive new actions and new explorations in recognition that a different truth may exist. Where we have conflicting beliefs that we continue to invest in and give energy to we’re never going to be open to equally investing in a new belief that will generate the energy needed to create the action that we want in order to create a new result.

In sum, unless and until we dismantle pre-existing belief models we will never have the energetic capacity to create new actions and results.

The conflicting, outdated beliefs will act as a ball-and-chain keeping the new beliefs from gaining traction. We will only be partially invested in the new belief, thus the emotions and actions that belief can generate will be restrained. The result is that we will never fully create what we want because we have always hedged our bets by holding onto our existing beliefs.

When we try to breathe life into new beliefs without dismantling our old operating system, we stifle our efforts.

We cannot shift to prettier thoughts and create better feelings and results while at the same time equally investing in opposing beliefs. It’s like putting on a pair of shoes that are 10 sizes too big and trying to run a marathon. It just doesn’t work. Those aren’t your shoes!

The majority of the women I work with want to be more confident. They want to believe they can do it, that they are doing a good job, and that they are good enough. They want to live and act from that space. The problem is they aren’t facing the reality that parts of them are still persuaded by beliefs that they aren’t good enough and that they aren’t going to make it. They are still holding on to the possibility that what they want to believe is not true.

Unless and until they unpack that circus, they will never be able to act from a genuine place of confident beliefs.

We have to look at those existing beliefs and get to a place where we can see them as just that. Choices were making and things we’re choosing to believe. We limit ourselves because we are not coming to new beliefs from a place of investment; rather, we are coming to a new belief from a place of uncertainty and exploration because we’re still committed to believing something else. We cannot create the life we want if we show up every day believing that law firms are unfriendly places for women, places where women can’t succeed as easily as men. That belief is never going to stop sucking part of your energy away from the true intended goal of building a practice you are happy in. That belief will always creep in and reinvest your energy in hopelessness.

If you are truly seeking success in your law firm, we have to start thinking about the law firm life differently.

We have to be open to the possibility that what we have been believing all along is not necessarily true. It’s just our opinion. It’s not factual and it is not serving us. In other words, we cannot shift any beliefs until we find ourselves in a place where we can see the old beliefs as what they are: bad choices that you’re no longer going to make. Not facts and clearly not places we choose to our energy. Only from there can we shift our energy to something new and start creating something new. To do otherwise is to divide our efforts and divide our energy and handicap yourself from the very beginning.

So there it is my friends, get to work looking at your ugly thinking and work on yourself from a place where you can see that all your beliefs about the situation are optional perceptions. You can choose something else. You can be open to the possibility that your perceptions are not the only truth available to you.

Work with me; schedule a free consult and let’s start dismantling your “thought” balls and chains so you can start creating lasting change.

Photo by Joey Kyber from Pexels

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.

Voltaire

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how detrimental certainty can be in our lives. How certainty, if left to its own devices, would have kept us believing some pretty ridiculous stuff — tobacco enemas, changelings, icepick lobotomies. In order to progress, scientists (and the rest of us) had to let go of our closely held beliefs and be open to the possibility that those old beliefs weren’t serving us. One of the hallmarks of good science is constantly challenging our prior conclusions — to never truly be “fixed” in any given certainty.

Outside the world of science, our tendency to acquire certainties remains pervasive and, at times, limits our own innate abilities.

We are certain that no one is hiring during the pandemic.

We are convinced that it is harder to network with people virtually.

We believe that our neighbor is stealing our newspaper to spite us.

We believe that we have to respond to emails over the weekend.

Certainty is the enemy of growth. We can’t tell the future yet we parade around telling ourselves we can’t do XYZ because we know how it will pan out for us (the answer is always: badly). We soothsay away our options to justify our unwillingness to shake things up. We predict calamity and hellfire if we dare challenge the norms.

To grow, we have to constantly question our beliefs about ourselves, others, and our reality. That is how we evolve.

The problem is that certainty feels nice. It feels easy and comfortable and requires nothing of us. It is easier to remain wed to your beliefs (certainties) than it is to test those beliefs and see whether they are true.

There was a time in my life when I believed that I could never have any balance while practicing law at a big firm. And then I went and I did it. I tested my belief and discovered that it wasn’t entirely true. I was CHOOSING to not have balance. I was choosing to say yes to every request. When I put that belief to the test, I discovered that I could have a practice where I came and went as I pleased and spent my time speaking, traveling, writing and networking.  Did it require me to challenge systems I had previously let alone? Yes. Did everyone like my new approach to practicing? No. Did people gossip about it and crab about it? Yes. But I got what I wanted because I was willing to accept that my closely held belief was wrong. I was willing to explore other approaches to practice and I was willing to let go of the need to be liked and safe from gossip. I released myself from face time obligations and I never looked back. 

(Now I help other women to do the same — sign up for a free coaching session to learn how.)

Wacky historical medical beliefs aside, our entire society is founded upon the value that emerges when we challenge norms. When we allow ourselves to become uncertain about things. When we question things and allow ourselves to see if there is a better way of doing things and thinking about things.

How would your life be different, if you started examining some of your closely held certainties?

Photo by Brendan Church on Unsplash

Put your big girl panties on and figure it out (a first year associate trying to ask questions to the assigning partner).

You are just sour you didn’t get appointed to the Board (regarding being underpaid in comparison to male counterparts).

Sometimes people say the wrong things to the wrong people (from a managing partner a female attorney who just raised a sexual harassment complaint).

If you were [a male partner] I would fire you for this (after questioning why a male co-worker was getting paid nearly twice what she was making).

The practice of law is challenging and, for better or worse, the practice of law usually requires interactions with some very *challenging* humans.

Part of my work is helping women get to a place of self-examination–thinking on purpose and recognizing how those thoughts impact the results we create in our life. That work typically requires a hard conversation with one’s self about whether a thought is serving you.

I hate my body becomes I’m learning to love my body.

My boss is a jerk becomes I have a boss.

I hate working at this firm becomes I have a job at a firm.

Those subtle shifts have tremendous impact how we feel, how we show up, and ultimately on our reality.

But what about circumstances that you don’t want to feel good about?

What about that day you are sitting in that office having the most difficult conversation of your life, challenging leadership for an explanation why your male counterpart gets paid so much more than you and instead of listening to you, he threatens to fire you for raising the issue?

That, dear readers, is not a situation any of us would want to feel good about.

When we encounter these types of challenges, we don’t want to shift to a better thought. In truth, sometimes these experiences feel more like an out of body experience. We slip out of our bodies to watch these dumpster fires from a distance.

After these experiences, we don’t want to have flowery thoughts about it. We want to be angry. We want to feel indignant. We want to truly own the experience of being treated unfairly. To being ignored and belittled. Treated like a child.

Where do you go from there?

For any experience in our life, we have the power to decide:

How do I want to feel about this? What do I want to think about this?

We have choices to make.

What would my future self tell me to do? How would she tell me to show up?

While we truly believe that we have been belittled and treated unfairly, it is not productive to set up camp with those thoughts. It didn’t matter whether it’s true. Those thoughts created a spiral of unproductive anger, bitterness, and resentment.

Those feelings drive off on indignant rants and whining, complaining, and passive aggression. Those thoughts truly drive us to act like a bratty child throwing a tantrum.

You must challenge your angry thoughts and examine the impact each one has one you — how you feel, how you act from that space and the result that it gets you. Find one that sparks progress instead of combustion.

You have to find a thought that propels you to that vision you want for yourself.

In these situations, my clients want to show up strong and confident. They want to be truthful and unbiased and not cover up the experience.

They don’t want to spew hatred about their firms or their leadership; they want to shine the light. They want to be cool, calm, collected and HONEST.

A mantra we often discuss in our sessions is: This is my truth and this is what happened to me and I am not going to hide or sugarcoat it for anyone.

For most of us, those thoughts create confident, honesty, and strength. It makes us feel like a champion for women. When I have applied that mantra to some of my less than rosy experiences of my career, that thought made me feel a little bitter and indignant but not in a way that made me want to burn it all down. In a way that wanted me to open up about it.

Most of us ultimately walk way from toxic work environments. We do not transform them. We do not change their mindset. The firms rarely see any err in their ways.

So many of us have experiences like those above and we take it. We put our heads down and keep trucking. If we stop to ask ourselves – how do I want to feel about this? How do I want to show up in this moment? In 10 years, how will I wish I had shown up?

It’s easier to take the lumps as they come and just keep going.

It’s part of the job.

It’s just the way it is.

I will never change them.

Those thoughts keep us stuck in a world where things like this keep happening. Those thoughts are safe. They allow you to avoid the difficult conversation.

What would it be like if we all chose to speak our truth and be honest about our experiences? No matter what the cost. Would we be farther along than we are?

Don’t feel entitled to anything you didn’t sweat and struggle for.

Marian Wright Edelman

If you are angry with what you are seeing in your work environment, how about some FREE support? Reserve a free mini-session before they are all gone!

Photo by Александр Македонский from Pexels

As attorneys, it’s easy to look to our law school education as one of our greatest accomplishments. Have you ever thought back to that time and considered what you were thinking that got you through it? What were you believing about yourself that propelled you through those 5-hour finals?

Have you ever considered the opposite end of the spectrum? Consider some of your struggles in life. Times when you weren’t showing up in a way that you were proud of or times when you threw in the towel. What were you believing about yourself in those times?

Our beliefs about ourselves and our abilities bubble below the surface in everything that we do.

I can support you to identify your negative thinking patterns and shift to some prettier thinking but if the beliefs you have about yourself are toxic, none of our work will stick.

What we believe about ourselves and our abilities are often based upon our past experiences. What we were taught, what we have learned about ourselves from events 5, 10, 15 years ago. The truth is that none of that is relevant today. There is no reason our pasts have any bearing on our abilities today.

We can choose to believe anything we want to believe by ourselves.

We are not constrained by our pasts.

There is no universal truth about your ability to create the life you want to. It all depends upon whether or not you believe you can do it.

Many of my clients set big goals for themselves and whenever they are faced with challenge, their brain immediately offers them those deeply ingrained beliefs about themselves. I just don’t have what it takes. I’m not cut out for this. I’m not smart enough. I’m not good enough.

We have so many beliefs like these rolling around our brains, running automatically in the background like elevator music behind everything we do and everything positive thought we try to believe. We treat these words as if they are facts. There is a part of us that believes those statements about our abilities are true.

Unless and until you can identify and address your negative beliefs about yourself, you will never be able to achieve you dreams.

This is why so many of us achieve big things but those accomplishments never hit our radar. We finished law school, we landed that major clerkship, we got the job at prestigious firm but we still don’t feel fulfilled and we don’t feel happy. We barely pause for a moment to recognize the achievement because we still don’t believe we deserve it. We believe we aren’t worthy or good enough. We’re impostors and they will find us out! Those thoughts are playing in the background and drown out any positive interpretations of our accomplishments.

The accomplishments never make us feel better because our negative beliefs about ourselves jump in and remind us that it is never going to work. So many of us spend our lives caught in this cycle, constantly achieving and reaching goals but never feeling fulfilled.

The first step in learning to believe new things about yourself is to recognize the negative beliefs you are carrying around.

Take a look at them and see them for what they are: optional thoughts. Choices you are making.

Do you want to continue to believe those things?

Are those beliefs serving you?

How would your life be different if you chose to believe something different?

Second, allow yourself some grace for those thought errors.

You are human and your brain is really good and repeating those thought to keep you safe and cozy. There is nothing wrong with you. Recognizing that your brain has this thought pattern, is not a free pass to dive into another batch of negative self-talk about yourself. These negative thought patterns are normal; don’t beat yourself up for having them.

Third, force yourself to argue with the thought.

What if I am good enough?

What if I can  do this?

What if I can figure it out?

Let those questions lead your brain to some better fodder.

Finally, choose an alternative belief about yourself that does serve you and your goals.

Consider these suggestions:

It’s not what we do—it’s who we are.

There is nothing wrong with you.

You are enough.

Sometimes I doubt myself and that’s okay, I am learning to be more confident.

Nothing has gone wrong here.

I’m responsible for everything I think and feel.

My purpose is the life I am living now.

If you don’t do this work of recognizing and addressing those closely held beliefs you have about yourself and your worthiness, you will always be striving toward your goals while dragging a ball and chain.

Stop fighting yourself and get on the same team.

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Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

I recently had a mini-session where my client was telling me that she needed an entire day to complete one of the tasks on her action plan. When I challenged her to constrain herself and do it in half the time, we discovered that her reasoning for this conclusion was it would take an entire day to “do it right” and to make sure that it was “perfect.”

We do this all the time. We convince ourselves that we must complete something to perfection before we can move on to the next step.

We can’t ask for a raise until we are able to conduct our work with perfection. We aren’t going to offer to speak at a conference until we have a full mastery of the underlying material. We don’t want to take that expert deposition until we have done simpler depositions perfectly.

We carry around this faulty belief that there is no sense in doing something unless you can do it flawlessly.

Can you imagine where we would be if everyone followed that logic?! If everyone was afraid to massively fail on the way to success?

Consider Thomas Edison and his endeavors to create artificial light: “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

The real motivation behind this perfectionism is the avoidance of failure.

If we believe we can’t act until we can do it perfectly, then we don’t have to do anything until we know we can do it without failure. We don’t have to face any criticism of our imperfections until we have a foolproof plan to avoid criticism. We can spend our entire lives building up to those perfect skills and never getting there: we never take any risks so we never fail.

“Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.”

Confucius

Perfectionism is a way to stay stuck. To convince yourself that your efforts are noble. You simply want to do it right and you can’t move forward until you do that. It seems valid. It seems reasonable. But this is simply fear masquerading in a more “honorable” outfit. The fear of failure, dressed as perfectionism.

Perfectionism is for scared people.

The truth is that you don’t want to face any criticism.

It’s easier to tell yourself you are only going to do it if you can “do it right” than it is to be honest with yourself and admit that you don’t want to experience failure or criticism. Most people avoid criticism because they have a practiced habit of endorsing the criticism. They agree with the criticism and interpret the feedback to mean that they are a failure.

When you allow criticism to mean that you can’t do it, of course you are going to try and avoid criticism!

Enter the myth of perfectionism to distract you from what’s really going on.

Don’t jump teams and join your critics by default. Don’t let failures mean anything about you. Don’t let the words of critics hold you back. Criticism from others has more to do with the other person than with you!

You can decide to receive criticism however you want. Consider allowing it to mean that you are learning and always improving (because you are a human and “to err is HUMAN”).

If you committed to doing everything 80% and moving on, how different would your life be? How much more could you accomplish?

People may criticize your B+ work. People may NOT criticize your B+ work. You won’t know until you stop trying to manufacture A+ work before putting anything out there. You can always go back and make something better but you won’t know what is “better” until you start trying and learning.

Besides, just because you conclude something is perfect, doesn’t mean no one will criticize it. Spinning on things until they are perfect, does not “save” you from criticism.

That is a lie you are telling yourself to keep you safe. To keep you stuck.

Don’t convince yourself that perfect is something to strive for. It’s all subjective.

Don’t allow the myth of perfection to keep you stuck.

Success only comes from trying and failing repeatedly. Not from sitting on the sidelines theorizing about how to best do something.

Strive for continuous improvement, instead of perfection. ― Kim Collins

Get out there are start failing. You can’t learn how to handle critics if you never do anything noteworthy.

Think your perfectionism is serving you? Let’s see what’s really going on. What are you afraid of?

Photo by George Becker from Pexels

Indecision has so much to teach us about ourselves and, particularly, our fears.

How do we move out of indecision? Recognize the tunnel vision and get some perspective.

Many of us have struggled with decision paralysis from time to time because we put these decisions on a pedestal.

We allow them to loom ahead of us like giant crossroads in our lives. In order to move forward you have to separate from the facts from your primitive-brain-thinking.

In my client’s situation, the facts were that she was giving a presentation at a seminar in three weeks and she hadn’t yet picked a topic. Pretty non-threatening.

BUT, in light of those facts, her brain was explaining

You have to pick a good topic or people won’t want to work with you.

If you pick a topic you don’t know EVERYTHING about, you are going to get stumped in the Q&A and people will think you don’t know what you are talking about.

If you pick a topic that is too easy, no one will listen to you and they will think you don’t know anything useful.

All the important partners will be there and they will be measuring you up.

This is a huge opportunity for you to make a name for yourself.

None of those juicy dramas were factual. They were all totally optional choices. Sentences in her head. Sentences that were making her anxious, nervous, and scared.

In order to move out of indecision, you have to first recognize the thoughts you are choosing as just that: thoughts.

Focus on the facts of the situation and examine how else you could be thinking about them.

For this client, alternative thoughts included: This is a great opportunity for me. This is going to make me a better speaker. I can handle any question with grace even if I don’t know the answer. It’s okay to be nervous, this is not supposed to be easy.

While, pretty thoughts can be useful to shift your energy, they ONLY work if you if examine what’s really going on below the surface.

Indecision is fueled by the fear of making the wrong choice. You can’t move forward until you examine and address that worst case scenario.

Whenever, we are avoiding a decision it’s because we have convinced ourselves that there is a right and wrong path ahead of us and if we choose the wrong one, our world will fall apart. In my client’s case, she was worried that if she picked the wrong topic, the audience Q&A would stump her and everyone would think she was dumb.

Your worst case scenario fears are comprised of two things:

Obstacles that you can anticipate and negative self-talk.

When we are afraid of making the wrong decision, it is because of what we will make it mean about ourselves if things don’t pan out how we hoped.

We allow our brains to convince us that if we make the wrong decision it proves something negative about ourselves: we aren’t good enough, we aren’t smart enough, we can’t do this, this will never work out, etc.

Those thoughts feel terrible: shame, guilt, fear, worry, doubt, all come crashing down when we spin in those sentences.

But what if we decided that when things don’t go the way we hope, we won’t make it mean something negative about ourselves?

What if we decided to have our back in the future?

Recognize that when we make choices, we are doing our best in the moment and that sometimes things don’t work out the way you hoped. No big deal. It doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It could simply mean that you are figuring things out. That it was just another step on your path.

If we can commit to not beating ourselves up if our decisions don’t pan out the way we want to, then there is nothing to be afraid of.

If we make the wrong decision, we can keep moving. We don’t have to believe that the wrong decision means something bad about our ability.

Once you commit to having your own back in the future, the pressure and weight of these current decisions goes away. You can make a decision and know that whether it pans out or not, it has nothing to do with your skills. It’s just part of the process.

From that space, everything else is simply an obstacle to overcome.

For my client, we strategized how she could handle questions from the audience when she didn’t know the answer. We talked through how she could think about that kind of an experience from a place of humility and curiosity as opposed to perfection-seeking.

When you find yourself stuck in indecision, force yourself to examine the worst case scenario. What comes up for you? What negative self-talk do you indulge in when things don’t pan out?

If you can plan to treat yourself kindly if things don’t work out, indecision loses its foothold. It stops being scary because you remove the negative consequences.

Everything else is just planning. Identify potential obstacles that might come from the decision and develop strategies ahead of time.

Don’t let your brain tell you the sky is falling. Tell your brain to get to work figuring out how to handle the sky when it wants to fall.

Don’t allow indecision to take the wind out of your sails. Look at the indecision, it has so much to show you!

Need support making a big decision? I reserve three spots each week for FREE mini-sessions with me. Bring your big decision or latest struggle and let’s get you back on track. Sign up now before this week’s spots are gone.