You imagined freedom. You dreamed of long walks, midday yoga, catching up on books, or just being. But when the time came, guilt snuck in. That nagging voice in your head whispering:

“Shouldn’t you be doing something?”

“Everyone else is working—why aren’t you?”

“You’re wasting time.”

You are not alone.

I hear this constantly from clients—especially women—who’ve worked hard to create space in their lives only to discover that rest doesn’t feel like relief. It feels like failure.

They go part-time, switch to an in-house role, or finally take the sabbatical they’ve been craving—expecting to feel peace, freedom, maybe even joy.

But instead?

They feel uneasy. On edge. Restless.
They say things like, “I thought this would feel better.”
Or, “I’m still exhausted, but I feel guilty just sitting here.”

Here’s what I want you to know:

The problem isn’t that you’re resting wrong.
The problem is that rest bumps up against old beliefs—deep ones.

Beliefs like:

• “My worth is tied to what I produce.”
• “Other people’s needs matter more than mine.”
• “If I stop, I’ll fall behind.”

These beliefs don’t disappear when your calendar clears.
In fact, space amplifies them.
And so, we fill the space again—not out of desire, but out of guilt.

I see this pattern all the time: women who have technically slowed down, but emotionally and energetically? They’re still in fifth gear.

They overwork on their “off” days.
They sign up for new projects even though they promised themselves margin.
They clean the kitchen instead of taking the nap they’ve earned.
Not because they want to.
But because slowing down doesn’t feel safe.

Because in the stillness, what rises to the surface isn’t peace.
It’s the inner critic.
The conditioning.
The voice that says, “You’re not doing enough.”

And so we get back to work—not because we’re inspired, but because it helps us avoid the discomfort of being alone with those thoughts.

But here’s the truth:

You don’t need to fix how you rest.
You need to heal the story that says you only matter when you’re doing.

And that kind of healing doesn’t come from more productivity.
It comes from learning to sit with the discomfort of being enough—just as you are.
It comes from noticing the guilt and choosing not to obey it.
It comes from practicing rest not as a reward, but as a right.

So if rest feels hard, you’re not broken.
You’re brave.

You’re learning to untangle your worth from your work.
And that’s one of the most radical things you can do.

This month, I’m sharing a few gentle practices to help you explore your relationship with rest and self-worth. I invite you to give them a try and notice what surfaces. If old patterns start to rise, know that you don’t have to work through them alone—I would love to coach you through this process.

You don’t need to deserve rest.

You don’t need to fill your time to prove your value.

The discomfort you feel isn’t failure—it’s growth.

You’re unlearning the myth that your worth is measured in output.

And that, my friend, is powerful, rebellious, beautiful work.

***

Journal Prompts: Exploring Guilt, Stillness & Self-Worth

Take 5–10 minutes with one of these prompts. Be honest, unfiltered, and curious:

1. When I imagine doing “nothing,” I feel ______ because ______.
2. I feel most guilty about resting when ______.
3. Productivity makes me feel ______. Without it, I worry that I’m ______.
4. What do I believe others would think of me if I slowed down?
5. What would it look like to rest without earning it first?

Try This: Scheduling Intentional Stillness

Start small. One block of time—maybe 30 minutes to an hour—per week. Put it on your calendar with a label like:

• “Unstructured Time”
• “Sanctuary Hour”
• “Rest, Without Rules”
• “Just Because I Can”

Here’s the rule: You don’t plan what you’ll do ahead of time. No pressure to check something off or be productive. You’re not forbidden from doing things—you’re just forbidden from deciding in advance what’s “worthy” of that time.

This is not lazy. It’s training your nervous system to tolerate ease.

Take a Reset Moment

Need a moment to reset? My guided meditations on YouTube and short podcast episodes are always there to help you pause, breathe, and come back to yourself.

A Short Reflection Practice: “Permission to Pause”

Find a quiet space. Sit or lie down. Close your eyes or soften your gaze.

Take a slow breath in. Let your body fill.

Exhale gently. Let your shoulders drop.

Say (out loud or silently):

“I don’t have to earn this moment.

I am allowed to rest.

I am safe when I am still.

I am worthy, even when I am not doing.”

Stay here for 1–3 minutes. Notice any resistance—and let it be.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

(Never! ) We’ve all been there, twiddling our thumbs while the to-do list mocks us from across the room. But fear not, fellow dawdlers! With a sprinkle of self-awareness and a dash of humor, we can navigate the murky waters of procrastination. Buckle up as we dive into the wild rationale behind our delightful delays.

Why do we procrastinate? Research suggests it boils down to some of the following factors:

1. Fear of Failure: Some delay tasks to avoid the potential of making mistakes or facing criticism, especially when they feel the work must be perfect.
2. Task Overwhelm: Large or complex tasks can feel daunting, leading people to avoid starting altogether.
3. Lack of Motivation: When tasks feel tedious or lack personal significance, people tend to put them off.
4. Reward Delay: If the rewards of completing a task are distant or unclear, people may prioritize instant gratification over long-term gains.
5. Indecisiveness: Difficulty making decisions or clarifying steps can also contribute, as people avoid starting without a clear plan.

Procrastination often results from a blend of these factors, making it a challenging habit to break without addressing root causes. Taking all of these factors into account, here’s a peek at how this often plays out in the legal profession and how we can use this awareness to fix it:

Blame It on Biology, Baby!

First things first, let’s point the finger at the primary perpetrator—biology. Our motivational triad drives us to seek please (hello, Instagram!) and avoid pain (not today, massive project!) even to our own detriment. When faced with a daunting task, our brains whip out their best escape routes faster than you can say “deadline panic.”

In the case of daunting projects, demanding bosses, and frustrating clients, our brain screams, “Run for your life!” But instead of sprinting away, we end up binge-watching cat videos or obsessively scrolling through TikTok. (Because let’s be honest, sprinting really isn’t in my vocabulary these days…)

For my fellow lawyers, some partners and clients might as well be the literal hungry lions of our biological nightmares. When you’re avoiding a project, it’s not just laziness—it’s your inner survival instincts kicking into overdrive. Here’s what that might sound like:

• I’m not going to get this right and she’s going to flip out.
• I don’t know how to figure this out, and he’s probably going to fire me when I mess up.
• I can’t stand working for this client; I can’t trust anything they tell me.
• I’m so nervous, I cannot botch this project.
• Why bother with this project, he always redoes my work anyway because it’s never right.
• I hate working for this partner; I really don’t want to do this.
• This is going to be miserable.

These thoughts set the stage for a fear-fueled procrastination parade.

And just as we start to spiral into the abyss of avoidance, the Procrastination Fairy swoops in with shiny distractions:

• Starbucks has a new latte you need to try!
• Have you checked out your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page lately?
• You really need to order a dress for new year’s eve to kick off your new year properly!

Ah, yes, the classic lure of instant gratification. Instead of tackling the task at hand, we’re off indulging in endorphin-guzzling activities that make our brains do a happy dance. It’s the ultimate form of self-sabotage—pleasant on the surface, but oh-so-detrimental in the long run.

Deadline Panic

 
Just when you’ve bought THE BEST dress for NYE and you think you’ve fully mastered the art of procrastination, the deadline looms ominously on the horizon and crashes the party. Suddenly, all those little fears about failing the project morph into one gigantic fear of not finishing on time and our brains conjure images of:

• SHOUTY CAPS emails raining down like angry meteorites.
• Missed deadlines turn into a career dumpster fire and you sleeping on your parents’ couch for the foreseeable future.

And there you are, scrambling like a headless chicken, trying to finish the project at lightning speed. The result? A chaotic, slapshod, final product that likely misses the mark – or at least partially. Instead of showcasing your brilliance, you end up creating more proof that maybe you aren’t cut out for this, even more reasons for those around you to doubt your abilities, and more reasons for you to fear the next project.

Fear: The Master Puppeteer

All this chaos boils down to one tiny, pesky emotion: fear. We procrastinate to dodge negative feelings, only to let bigger fears kick us into high gear later on. It’s like avoiding a fender bender only to drive off a cliff later on. Not the best strategy for success.

So, how do we break free from this fear-driven procrastination loop? Here are a few tips to try out:

1. Treat Your Ears: Listen to my latest podcast exploring perfectionism which, as you can see, is at the heart of our procrastinating ways!
2. Embrace B- Work: Accept that sometimes “good enough” is just fine and perhaps DONE really is better than PERFECT in most instances.
3. Visualize Success: Picture yourself acing the project and rewarding yourself for your success.
4. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Large tasks can feel overwhelming. Divide them into smaller, manageable parts to make starting easier.
5. Set Short Deadlines: Create immediate, achievable deadlines instead of waiting until the last minute.
6. Use the “Two-Minute Rule”: Start a task for just two minutes. Often, this small action reduces resistance to completing it.
7. Identify the Root Cause: Recognize if fear of failure, lack of clarity, or motivation is holding you back and address it directly.
8. Reward Yourself: Set rewards for completing tasks to boost motivation and create a positive association with getting things done. “I’ll spend 30 minutes checking out this horrible project and then I’ll creep on my ex’s Facebook for a hot minute.” Motivation, entertainment, and positive reinforcement? Yes, please!
9. Use Tools for Focus: Apps or techniques like the Pomodoro Technique can help you stay focused and track your time efficiently.

Making gradual changes with these techniques can help build consistency and reduce procrastination.

Fear Not!

At the end of the day, procrastination is just fear in a cute outfit. By recognizing the biological and psychological dance that leads us astray, we can start taking back control.

We have to start getting honest with ourselves about why we are procrastinating to begin with. Once we get to the root of fear, we can ask whether we like that reasoning. Furthermore, we can acknowledge how this story will end if we choose to invest in that fear and go down the Facebook rabbit-hole instead. All of the above tools to combat procrastination only require one thing from you: honesty. Honesty with yourself about your actions and your justifications. From there, all you have to do is ask yourself whether you like your reasons for acting or not acting and make a new, informed, honest choice about your next steps. Those are the choices that will determine the type of person you become — one who procrastinates or one who doesn’t. The choice is ultimately yours and all that matters is whether you are comfortable with your reasoning.

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things.” – Gene Hayden

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

Over the years, I’ve published countless articles on decision making and the process for making decisions. Stated simplistically, the only way to make a decision is to ask yourself why would I do The Thing or why would I not do The Thing. That analysis will provide us with two lists of justifications and rationales. From there, we only have to examine those lists and identify which list resonates most closely with who we are and who we want to be and execute. (Obviously, lots of work to be done on that bit but you get the gist of it).

Recently, I have discovered that some of us struggle to get to the list of justifications and rationales because the decision itself is fraught with so much judgment. Some decisions simply cannot be hidden from the world — job changes, career changes, divorce, podcasts(!) — and because of that, they expose us to the judgment of others. For that reason, we sometimes feel like we can’t move forward at all because we treat one avenue (e.g., divorce, leaving your firm) as an admission of “failure.”

As a result we feel utterly STUCK.

When making those types of decisions it is often difficult for us to get to the part of the process where we weigh our justifications because we are stuck in fear at the possibility that one decision will expose us to some public shame and potentially be judged as a failure (and part of us agrees with that judgment which is a whole other discussion!). In those types of scenarios, it’s difficult for us to connect with any of the justifications because the decision feels so monumental and potentially leaves us exposed and therefore, it doesn’t really seem like a decision at all, it feels like social/career suicide.

For example, consider a decision to leave your current position. You may have a lot of great reasons to stay and various reasons to go. In coaching we would work through all of those reasons (hello, free coaching consult, anyone?) and identify those that are most in alignment with your core values and goals. But consider a situation where the idea of leaving your firm and switching to another is raw with the fear of public judgment and all of the attendant shame. For some of us, we are unable to even explore our personal justifications for staying or going because, in our minds, we make only one decision viable and we equate the alternative decision with failure and public shaming.

It’s nearly impossible to dig into our options available to us when emotionally we firmly believe that one option is an admission of failure and will subject us to shame and ridicule by those around us.

It’s not unusual for the women that I encounter in my practice to feel that very way. They feel like there are no options available to them and that the only choice they have is to stay where they are regardless of their reasons for ever considering an exit. They believe that to leave is a failure and that everyone around them will also see it in the same light. That if they were to leave, even for reasons that made sense to them, they would be judged and found wanting:

They couldn’t hack it…they gave up…they weren’t cut out for it anyway…they didn’t have what it takes…

Some decisions like leaving a job or getting a divorce cannot be hidden from the outside world for long. Because of that, many of us refrain from making any changes to those aspects of our lives because we see the decision itself as an admission of failure. Even when a divorce or leaving a job may be the best decision for us and the path most in alignment with who we want to be, we are hesitant to take the leap because we believe that leaving a job or getting a divorce is a shameful public failure. That in making those decisions we will become outsiders disconnected from the rest of our circle.

Admittedly, I felt the same way each time I have dramatically adjusted my career or my life. Leaving one firm for another, going in-house, starting my own firm, getting a divorce…every time, I could hear the judgments of others echoing through my mind. None of those decisions were of the kind that I could hide from everyone else around me including those who would happily judge me. There are just certain decisions that will always be part of your lifetime highlight reel.

Getting a divorce, changing jobs, changing careers are some of those decisions. But for that reason, I believe that it is those very types of decisions that forge us into the people we are meant to be.

Those are the types of decisions that, because they cannot be hidden, we will be open and available for public scrutiny and judgment. And we often allow that potential judgment of others to bring us shame and create fear and paralysis around the decision. We can allow that potential for judgment to keep us from doing the things that we know are right for ourselves.

Or, we can use the knowledge that others may judge the decision to make us stronger. To recognize that as humans, judging others and judging our surroundings, is simply part of what we do. To acknowledge that others’ judgments are beyond our control and simply a part of life that cannot dictate our path. There is something incredibly empowering about making these huge momentous decisions knowing that everybody around you is going to see them and likely judge them but forging ahead anyway.

It is these types of decisions that really call us to stand in our truth to be vulnerable and to commit to being wholly and truly ourselves.

These decisions provide us an opportunity to develop self-confidence in the face of others’ judgment and in the face of our own personal self-doubt. It is that very kind of vulnerability that brings us closer to our people. When we allow fear and shame to set our course it actually divides us from everyone around us because we commit to living inauthentically and never letting anyone see our real desires.

But rather, when we invest in our truth, make those momentous decisions and be vulnerable, it actually brings us closer to the people in our lives because we invite them to really SEE us.

It’s not about making decisions that are free from judgment by others. It’s about making decisions knowing that not everybody’s going to agree with them but doing it anyway because they are the right decisions for you and you are willing to choose yourself and your path over the thoughts and criticisms of others.

If you find yourself paralyzed and unable to take action on a decision, consider whether you are making the decision itself an admission of a failure or whether you are afraid to expose yourself to judgment. Why would you allow yourself to see your true path as a failure? Instead, consider whether embracing this public “failure” and all the potential judgment that goes with it, might be your greatest and most beautiful evolution opportunity.

The biggest and scariest decisions I have ever made in my life were the kinds that opened me up to public ridicule and judgment. Those decisions have also been my greatest accomplishments.

Photo by Andres Ayrton

Timelines to get married, timelines to have kids, timelines to make partner, timelines to build that book of business, timelines to remain marketable and find another job…..

These never ending timelines not only often conflict with one another but can make it nearly impossible to truly enjoy this journey through time. Recently, I have been inundated with clients overwhelmed with the idea that they are “running out of time” for one thing or another. While I fully understand the importance of setting goals and having something to work for, what does it mean when we say that we are running out of time? Does that fear drive us to soar even higher or are the results more nefarious?

As a coach, I’m a firm believer in setting goals and having something to work toward but unfortunately the side effect of having too many trophies on the horizon is that, if left unchecked, it can diminish our current experience. When we are constantly casting our gaze off into the horizon, we overlook everything around us. Suddenly everything we are currently experiencing and the life that is currently happening to us and around us pales in comparison to that ultimate goal and whatever it is we are trying to achieve before we run out of time. We are driven by some notion that once we accomplish everything on our list, life will finally make sense and our existence will matter.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Schedule a free consult and let go of this notion of “running out of time” for good.

While we think that this push to action and achievement is benefiting us what effect does it have on the remainder of our lives? If that goal itself comprises something in the distance, a mere fraction of our lifetime, that means that the remaining 99% of our lives are spent with that singular focus — the majority of our lives are spent disconnected from our current, lesser, existence and focusing on something we believe is bigger and brighter in the future.

Whenever I allow myself to think I’m running out of time, I feel this tightness in my chest and anxiety rising within my body. As if something bad is going to happen if I don’t get to work and start executing on some lofty goal. It’s this idea that I’m wasting my life that I should be doing more. That absent some future accomplishment my current existence is unworthy and my life will be a waste. From that space, I act franticly and quickly, trying to cram it all in. Nothing good comes from operating in that space other than a total meltdown burnout, in which case,

I REALLY do lose all that time I was worrying about, creating the exact result I was trying to avoid!

We talk a lot in coaching about being worthy and how that worthiness fits into context with our goals. Ultimately, the goal is never the point of the exercise but rather who we become in pursuit of those goals is the point. That ultimate goal, that accomplishment or achievement is never going to suddenly swoop in and make us experience all the worthiness that we’ve been chasing.

Rather, as many of us experience, once we achieve that goal those feelings of unworthiness and needing something more simply continue. That is the pattern that we practice when we let the ultimate goal have more value than it should — when we value the goal more than the journey. In that space, we are in essence doing exactly what we were trying to avoid: we are running out of time to enjoy the journey of life, we are running out of time to look around and witness our own evolution; sacrificing 99% of life in exchange for those blips of accomplishment.

Whatever we are striving for and worrying that we’re running out of time to accomplish, that thing will never bring us the happiness, peace, and feelings of worthiness that we think it will. Instead we must cultivate feelings of gratitude, worthiness, and success now so that when we achieve that one thing we are already skilled at appreciating it and understanding our worthiness already. From that space, the accomplishment loses its power and we are able to live in our value every step of the way and be thankful for all the gifts that we have in every moment.

If you don’t cultivate your belief in your worthiness along every step of your journey, no accomplishment will suddenly change that.

Whenever you find yourself thinking and worrying “I’m running out of time,” see it as a red flag that you are chasing some type of emotion or some external thing to make you feel a certain way. It is a sign that you are not truly living your life in the moment but rather casting your life forward to some unseen hands of fate. (Besides no one ever achieves their goals from a space of unworthiness, fear, and lack.) Whatever goal you’re seeking, pursue it for the sake of the pursuit. Pursue it so that you can practice believing in your own value every step of the way, in the face of every challenge. THAT is the only way to truly succeed. Achieving from any other place will only leave you feeling empty.

I recently had a client that was going through the process of finding another job. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go in-house or if she wanted to go to a smaller firm but she did know one thing for certain: she wanted out of her current firm. As she was moving along through various parallel interviewing processes, she was struggling and feeling hopeless. On its face, she had secured some pretty amazing final round of interviews with some pretty amazing companies and pending offers. Despite all of this, she was convinced that she didn’t have what it takes and that none of them were going to work out. She resisted any feelings of hopefulness and excitement about her prospects and instead concluded that she was never going to get out of her firm. She was failing ahead of time, assuming the worst before it even happens.

So many of my clients are making career changes right now–both in and out of traditional legal roles. If that is you, grab a free consult and take advantage of my experience. Let’s craft a plan for your next step.

So many of us do this. Instead of allowing ourselves to be hopeful and believe in ourselves and our futures, we decide that it’s better to feel disappointed now and not get our hopes up so that we don’t have to deal with BIGGER disappointment later. We don’t want to be surprised by our own lack of success. So instead of allowing ourselves to enjoy feelings of hopefulness and to get excited for the future, we start feeling disappointed about the future. We fail ahead of time, anticipating the negative results and feeling terrible now, before we really have any evidence of failure or any real reason to feel terribly.

The whole process is long, drawn out, self-created misery without regard to the facts of the situation.

We beat ourselves up for getting excited. We beat ourselves up for getting distracted and thinking about the future. We tell ourselves that we’re stuck and that nothing is ever going to change.

What kind of a story is that?

If this were a movie and the main character was about to make a huge change in her life for the better, to fight for her happiness, and go after what she really wanted, would we want to watch her sit in misery and disappointment during that whole process? Or would we want to see her show up confidently, believing that she was going to make it happen regardless of the number of setbacks?

Making a change is never easy and our first “solution” rarely works out. We all know this to be true but for whatever reason we seem surprised and disappointed when our first attempts don’t pan out. We don’t want to experience disappointment over and over again so instead we sit in quiet disappointment and discontent the entire time.

This practice of trying and doing and assuming failure before it even happens is problematic for two reasons.

First, when we utilize this process over and over again in our lives, we do not become skilled at experiencing true disappointment. We withhold excitement and hopefulness from ourselves and instead wallow in a kind of a mild disappointment and failure anticipation. We never allow full on disappointment to meet us because we never allow ourselves to feel hopeful or excited. You can’t crash if you never allow yourself to soar. That lack of experience and lack of understanding of how to deal with and process REAL disappointment is part of the reason we’re so invested in this cycle. We don’t know how to experience disappointment so we just keep trying to prevent it by never giving room to hope.

We are avoiding the full spectrum of the human experience. Unless and until we learn how to experience and process real disappointment, this cycle will always be persuasive. It is a sign that we are trying to protect ourselves from feeling something negative. But the only way to make that negative feeling less scary and more accessible is to allow ourselves to actually experience it instead of trying to insulate ourselves from it. With that work we become less afraid of failure and more willing to live and breathe in hopefulness for the future. From that space, failure across-the-board becomes so much less scary because we know how to handle, experience, and process feelings of disappointment without allowing them to completely devastate us.

Second, the other problem with this cycle is that it still involves feelings of disappointment. While they may be less intense, they are certainly more drawn out. Rather than allowing ourselves to experience the positive emotions of hopefulness and excitement for a period of time and then experience full on disappointment if things don’t work out, we choose instead to live in mild disappointment for a longer period of time until we ascertain the facts to determine whether or not our disappointment is warranted. In other words we choose weeks of mild disappointment as opposed to weeks of happiness and excitement followed by a brief period of disappointment (but only if that worst case scenario actually happens!).

Why would we withhold positive feelings from ourselves and instead choose long and drawn out periods feeling hopeless and stuck? Are we really so wed to the avoidance of negative emotions that we want to withhold positive experiences and feelings from ourselves? What if things do pan out and you waste all of that time just feeling terrible for nothing? There are no rewards from failing ahead of time. It’s just self-flagellation.

I can’t imagine that anyone who has achieved anything noteworthy in this life did so assuming and expecting that it wasn’t going to work out.

Call it blind hope or delusional all you want, I know for certain that when I am living in hope and faith in my path, I show up more in alignment with who I want to be and I take actions in furtherance of my goals. If and when disappointment comes to the party, we can experience that part of our path as well and allow the ebbs and flows of life. In that way, we learn to understand disappointment so we no longer have to fail ahead of time to try and avoid it. We can embrace the yin and yang of life!

They want more time or more balance, they want a new career, they want a different relationship with others, etc. but they JUST. DON’T. KNOW. HOW. to get there.

It doesn’t take much coaching for us both to realize that they do, in fact, know how to take action toward those goals but they are simply afraid to act.  They have allowed themselves to replace I know what to do but it doesn’t feel good, with I don’t know how. One is true and one is a lie we tell ourselves; one will keep you moving forward and one will keep you stuck.

There is a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing what to do but being afraid to do it.

What is so interesting about the phrase I don’t know is that every time I push a client to explain to me what they would do if they did know, they ALWAYS come up with a laundry list of solutions. In truth, knowing has always been within them. The issue has never been in the not knowing, the issue rest solely with the discomfort of executing on those solutions. That is where evolution resides.

Have a goal that you want to act on but need support developing a plan and committing? That is where the support of a trusted coach can truly be a game changer. Schedule a consultation now and invest in your ability to make it happen.

At that point of awareness, we have two options:

We accept that we are going to let fear ruin all the fun and that we are choosing not to act despite the fear.

OR

We give fear the middle finger and get to work.

What would your life be like if instead of allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” and closing a door, we instead acknowledged “I do know what to do but I’m afraid to act?” Would you still allow yourself to stay stuck?

Recognizing when we are afraid to act is the first step to creating the life of your dreams. Allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” is a choice to remain where you are. It is a choice not to pursue whatever it is you’re wanting in your life. Once we can get past “I don’t know,” and realize that we do, in fact, know what to do next, that is where we make a true choice. That is where we must confront the fear associated with acting and decide whether we are willing to act despite the fear or if we would simply prefer to stay put. There is no right or wrong answer but the beauty in this process is that regardless of what you choose to do, it will be your conscious choice.

You will choose to execute on the first step that you know is available to you or you will choose not to.

And to be clear, it’s not about knowing every step of the process. It’s about knowing the next right step and trusting that once you get there, you will then determine the next next right step. And on and on you will trudge ahead, the path becoming clearer as you go.

In contrast, when we live in “I don’t know,” it relegates our life to some unknown fate; it reeks of victimhood. It relinquishes control for action because it suggests that we simply haven’t been gifted with the knowledge we need to create the life of our dreams. In that space, our life and our dreams are outside of our control and there’s nothing that we can do about it because we have not been gifted with knowing.

It is a fallacy we tell ourselves because it sounds so much prettier than, “I know what to do but I’m afraid to do it.” Being afraid to act is not a bad thing. There is honesty in that. There is no truth when we live in “I don’t know.” Most of us are unwilling to live in a space of “I’m not willing to act because I’m afraid.” Therefore, when we relinquish “I don’t know,” it is often the first step to action because refusal to forge ahead in the face of fear is not something that many of us are willing to accept for our lives.

Today, when you find yourself saying “I don’t know,” as it relates to something you want for your life or in your future, I urge you to challenge yourself to explore what you would do if you did know or how you could find out the next right step. With that information you have a choice to make: whether to act upon that knowing or not. Regardless of which path you take, there is beauty in being honest with yourself. Do you want it enough to act despite the fear or don’t you? Because simply wanting it, without more, is never enough.

When we operate from our prefrontal cortex (the grown-up part of our brain that’s good at planning, strategizing, and anticipating challenges) it’s easy for us to see where change needs to happen. It’s easy for us to identify areas of our life where a new boundary would be helpful. We can look at our To Do List and the tasks that we take on and easily come up with things that we could take off our plates. Logically, this all makes sense but executing is where the battleground begins.

Once we’ve started something we have a hard time backing out. Once we’ve developed a pattern of saying “yes” we struggle to develop a new pattern. Even if we know intellectually that a new pattern will benefit everyone in the long run.

When we know that we need more “no” in our life, the only way we are going to get there is if we can deconstruct the rationale that got us to the place of overloaded to begin with. The next time someone asks you to take on an additional project or to sit on an extra board or help them through a problem, whatever it may be, we must pause in those moments and ask ourselves what rationale is driving us to accept these requests. It likely sounds something like this:

I should help

It’s the right thing to do (meaning, if I say “no” I’m not being a good person)

I don’t want to disappoint anyone

If I don’t say “yes” there will be a negative consequence (I won’t get anymore clients, I will lose out on work, people won’t trust me, people won’t like me, etc.)

All of these thoughts are incredibly persuasive in the moment. All of these thoughts are also rooted in fear. We worry that if we don’t help, others will judge us. We worry that others will think we’re not a good person or we’re not a team player. We worry that something bad will happen if we don’t follow through on all of these requests.

Sound familiar? Setting boundaries and time management is a huge part of my work with my clients. If you want to change the way you respond to requests and manage your time, grab a free consult and let’s get to work. You deserve better!

Those fear-based thoughts spring from our fight or flight brain that wants us to continue our usual routine of saying “yes” and chasing the endorphins of people pleasing. When we consider saying “no” and deviating from this pattern, our survival brain goes on the defensive. It starts offering to us all the reasons why this new approach will be catastrophic for our lives and our reputations. Knowing this, we must look at all of those fear-based thoughts and challenge them (using our prefrontal cortex).

I should help.

What does that even mean?! How do you know when you should help?! Who decides? Would everyone agree with that?

When we tell ourselves that we “should” help we often get ourselves into scenarios where we’re overloaded and we do a poor job in the end. In fact, it would be more of a service to the person making the request if we actually didn’t help because it’s possible they would find someone with more capacity who could do a better job. In other words, when you find your brain telling you that you should help the exact opposite is typically true: you should not help. Back away! Let them find someone else who will be more engaged and more available for the task.

It’s the right thing to do.

Again, says who?! What does that even? Is it right to help people when you don’t really want to? Isn’t that just dishonesty in a prettier outfit? Besides, when it comes to the “right thing” to do, shouldn’t your wants, needs, and sanity be the primary driver of those decisions?!

I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

The only way we disappoint people is when we overcommit ourselves, overextend ourselves, and do not show up in the manner that the requestor knows we can provide. When we say “yes” even though we mean “no,” we set ourselves on a clear path to likely disappoint not only the requester but other people who have similar requests already sitting on our plates.

Similarly, when we tell ourselves something bad will happen if we don’t say “yes,” it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are likely to take on something that we don’t have capacity for and we do a bad job and create a negative consequence simply by doing a bad job and not being able to show up as our best selves. It’s a lose-lose scenario.

All of these thoughts are red flags that we are setting ourselves up to create the exact opposite result than what we’re wanting. More failure, disappointment, and chaos await us when we allow those thoughts to drive our actions.

Rather than allowing ourselves to be persuaded by these thoughts, we must remain rooted and grounded in our commitment to ourselves, our balance, and our happiness. We must reconnect with our prefrontal cortex that knows we already have enough on our plate, we’re already overextended, and some things just have to start coming off the list. Allow our prefrontal cortex to make those decisions ahead of time and go into the day knowing that any new request will be met with a simple “no”.

That is power.

That is having your own back.

That is putting yourself in a position to show up as your best self every time and ensuring that when people rely on you, you will have the time and energy to rise up and meet those expectations because you’re caring for yourself first.

Photo by Isaiah Rustad on Unsplash

This morning, an old man approached me on the street and started talking to me as I was unloading some donations from my car. His clothes were ragged, he was missing most of his teeth and he was wearing coveralls and a flower covered baseball cap. As I was unloading my things into a donation bin, he started to tell me about his life. He told me about how he had gotten hit by a car as a child and that he had been in a coma for weeks. Years later, he said, that accident impacted his mental capacity. He continued to chit chat while I was going from door to door, unloading bags and boxes of donations. When I finished, I was going back into my car to leave he said he wanted to share something with me. He looked at me and he said,

“Regret looks behind, trouble looks to the sides, and faith looks up.”

As I left I got to thinking about what he had said and the truth of it. Whenever we invite regret, guilt, frustration, or anger into our lives, our focus is on our pasts. Those emotions are often rooted in a judgment and examination of people and events that have come and gone (what people said, what they did, etc.).

When we feel troubled, our focus is on some unknowable future. We are continually looking around ourselves and off into the distance, expecting something to jump out of the bushes and sabotage our plans.

When we are living in belief in ourselves and have faith in the path, we can allow ourselves to be present and truly in the moment, giving thanks for the experience and trusting our ability to keep moving. We “look up” because we are present with gratitude and giving thanks to the god of our understanding for getting us to where we are.

If our life was like a race, looking behind us or frantically looking around ourselves would not be helpful. In fact, those actions would likely drain our energy and bog down our progress. While it might seem most useful to scan the horizon anticipating obstacles and indulging in some worry, that approach is only useful if your worries are accurate and help you avert a crisis–but how often does that happen?!

When we indulge in worry about the future, we imply that we have some capacity to foretell our futures; to know exactly how something is (or isn’t going to pan out). What’s more, when we indulge in worry, it removes us from the present moment and all that is available to us in that space. It’s like running a race, worrying that the road ahead is going to be flooded and washed away and you’re so focused on that possibility that you don’t realize that you are running right past a life raft that could safely carry you across the path, if needed.

When we are stuck in worry, we ignore the gifts and solutions at our feet.

Worry is such a tempting emotion because it feels so important to our primitive brains. The part of our brains that is designed to keep us safe latches on to those worries and expands upon them. Suddenly, our thoughts about a washed out path, morphs into a hurricane and fire breathing dragon up ahead. When we allow ourselves to put energy behind those worries, we are often persuaded to stop running altogether, to change course, or to take a break until you figure it out. But we forget that those worries are only half of the possibility of what lies ahead–what if there was no hurricane or dragon up ahead and the path ahead is smoother and flatter than the path behind? Indulgence in worry overlooks the fact that it is equally possible that our worries are completely unfounded.

If life was like a race, isn’t our best approach to remain in the present moment not only so that we can see all the gifts currently being offered to us but so that we can focus our energy on the task at hand? We must stop looking behind, around or far ahead of us and instead allow space for us to consider–where am I even running to? When worry or regret drive the bus, it distracts us from the reason we started running to begin with. We forget why we started and instead lose all our energy to fruitless wanderings.

What is the benefit of the race if we can’t find space to be grateful for what we have, what we have learned, and to consider what we want next?

Today, challenge yourself to stay present, stop worrying about the future and instead reconnect with your WHY. Why are you running this race and where are you going?

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Saying, “No, ” is always an option available to us to make more time for ourselves. To make time for the things that actually matter to us. So that we can find some space and happiness. We know, logically, that if we want more time, more balance, and more peace, boundaries are part of the deal but we are reluctant to flex those muscles because we fear the consequences.

There is a difference between not knowing how to resolve a problem and being afraid to implement solutions you know exist.

When my clients consider the possibility of not responding to an email at 8:30pm on a Wednesday night, it doesn’t seem like a real option. Their brains tell them that those kinds of boundaries will get them fired, demoted, judged, and “into trouble.”

Possibly.

We set boundaries because we know what is good for us; that doesn’t mean others are going to like it.

But let’s explore that. My clients that are learning to set boundaries and say “no” continue to meet their hourly obligations to the extent those obligations are clear. They continue to do good work, often times even better work. They continue to be a team player. And with these changes their attitude and energy change dramatically as well. Is it reasonable to believe that a firm is going to fire someone performing in this manner simply because they are not willing to be a doormat, on call 24/7? It’s possible. But it’s also possible that the firm will swallow that pill even though they don’t like it.

If this resonates with you, grab a free session and commit today to start living differently.

Furthermore, when we tell ourselves that setting these boundaries, pushing back and saying “no” is going to cause us to get fired, I don’t believe that result differs from the alternative. I work with attorneys all day long, every day. Attorneys who are burnt out and unhappy. Attorneys who have implemented the rage quit or attorneys who are tap dancing on the edge of it. What I submit is this:

If we continue the path that we have historically been on, where we ignore our boundaries and forget how to say “no,” the ultimate result is that we leave. We leave burnt out, unhappy, and disillusioned, believing that practicing law is just not right for us. That path may take several years to trek but ultimately the lack of boundaries ends with a sad exit.

In contrast, we can choose a path where we speak our truth. We’re honest about our availability, we set clear boundaries and make time for what’s really important to us. If that path were to result in us being terminated, we must also ask:

Is that so much worse than the alternative?

How long do you think you could flex those “no” muscles, set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and make more time for what’s really important to you before the firm steps in and decides that they no longer want to employ you? Six months? A year? What would that time be like for you? To have more time, more balance, to have the ability to workout and spend time with your family instead of constantly feeling on the edge and on call. Wouldn’t that six months or one year of balance and peace serve you in a much better manner than those years of burnt out frustration?

The ending is the same most certainly but the person at the end of either of those journeys is absolutely not the same person. And the sacrifices each of them would make during those journeys could not be more different. The choice is yours. What do you have to lose?

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We can’t ask for what we want because everyone will judge us.

They will pull work from us if we complain.

They will say we’re not partner material.

They will fire us.

It will never change.

There’s no point speaking up.

They’re never going to let me lighten my workload.

That’s just the way it is.

There is no fixing it.

While all of this thinking could certainly be true, when we are living in fight or flight mode, flitting from project to project just trying to make it through the day, we start to believe that all of those statements are factual. We start to believe that those are the only truths available to us.

When we are living in fight or flight, our brain operates from negativity bias.

It sees everything on the horizon as an animal that is ready to kill us and it sees any deviation from the norm as a high risk. For these reasons, it becomes very difficult for us to realize that all of those statements, while they could be true, the opposite could also be true. It becomes very difficult for us to see that we are only looking at one possible outcome.

This is why so many of us just. keep. going. hoping that someday it will change.

We forget that we cannot tell the future and that while the worst case scenario could certainly happen, the best case scenario is also equally possible. When we are in the middle of a crisis at work feeling overwhelmed and overloaded, it is very difficult to generate any feelings other than resignation and hopelessness. It’s no wonder it feels like an impossible task to make changes or to ask for what we want.

Our brain is not wired to look for positive potential outcomes when it is fighting to survive!

When we find ourselves overwhelmed by negativity and overcome by the challenges before us, the only thing we can do is watch our survival brain at work. Watch our brain convince us that the worst case scenario is the only possible outcome and recognize that our brain is not offering us any other alternatives but to just keep going. This awareness can be all it takes to raise us out of the negativity overwhelm back to a neutral state where we can make clear-headed and unbiased decisions. We have to recognize what our brain is doing and realize that what it is offering to us is only 1/2 of the possibilities before us.

Many of my clients put in the work to shift out of panicked, fight or flight practicing to create a strategic path toward balance and clarity. If you want to stop drinking from the fire hose and take back your own agency, join us. This work changes everything.

Once we start seeing that there is, in fact, more than one potential outcome, and more than one path forward, we take back our power. From that space we can start to see and evaluate clearly the options ahead of us. At the same time we move out of victim mentality and stop believing that everything is happening to us and recognize our own power in the moment. We can choose to believe that things just might work out, that we can use our voice, live authentically and just maybe everything will be okay.

(Because drinking from the firehouse day in and day out never ends well for anyone. )

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