You imagined freedom. You dreamed of long walks, midday yoga, catching up on books, or just being. But when the time came, guilt snuck in. That nagging voice in your head whispering:

“Shouldn’t you be doing something?”

“Everyone else is working—why aren’t you?”

“You’re wasting time.”

You are not alone.

I hear this constantly from clients—especially women—who’ve worked hard to create space in their lives only to discover that rest doesn’t feel like relief. It feels like failure.

They go part-time, switch to an in-house role, or finally take the sabbatical they’ve been craving—expecting to feel peace, freedom, maybe even joy.

But instead?

They feel uneasy. On edge. Restless.
They say things like, “I thought this would feel better.”
Or, “I’m still exhausted, but I feel guilty just sitting here.”

Here’s what I want you to know:

The problem isn’t that you’re resting wrong.
The problem is that rest bumps up against old beliefs—deep ones.

Beliefs like:

• “My worth is tied to what I produce.”
• “Other people’s needs matter more than mine.”
• “If I stop, I’ll fall behind.”

These beliefs don’t disappear when your calendar clears.
In fact, space amplifies them.
And so, we fill the space again—not out of desire, but out of guilt.

I see this pattern all the time: women who have technically slowed down, but emotionally and energetically? They’re still in fifth gear.

They overwork on their “off” days.
They sign up for new projects even though they promised themselves margin.
They clean the kitchen instead of taking the nap they’ve earned.
Not because they want to.
But because slowing down doesn’t feel safe.

Because in the stillness, what rises to the surface isn’t peace.
It’s the inner critic.
The conditioning.
The voice that says, “You’re not doing enough.”

And so we get back to work—not because we’re inspired, but because it helps us avoid the discomfort of being alone with those thoughts.

But here’s the truth:

You don’t need to fix how you rest.
You need to heal the story that says you only matter when you’re doing.

And that kind of healing doesn’t come from more productivity.
It comes from learning to sit with the discomfort of being enough—just as you are.
It comes from noticing the guilt and choosing not to obey it.
It comes from practicing rest not as a reward, but as a right.

So if rest feels hard, you’re not broken.
You’re brave.

You’re learning to untangle your worth from your work.
And that’s one of the most radical things you can do.

This month, I’m sharing a few gentle practices to help you explore your relationship with rest and self-worth. I invite you to give them a try and notice what surfaces. If old patterns start to rise, know that you don’t have to work through them alone—I would love to coach you through this process.

You don’t need to deserve rest.

You don’t need to fill your time to prove your value.

The discomfort you feel isn’t failure—it’s growth.

You’re unlearning the myth that your worth is measured in output.

And that, my friend, is powerful, rebellious, beautiful work.

***

Journal Prompts: Exploring Guilt, Stillness & Self-Worth

Take 5–10 minutes with one of these prompts. Be honest, unfiltered, and curious:

1. When I imagine doing “nothing,” I feel ______ because ______.
2. I feel most guilty about resting when ______.
3. Productivity makes me feel ______. Without it, I worry that I’m ______.
4. What do I believe others would think of me if I slowed down?
5. What would it look like to rest without earning it first?

Try This: Scheduling Intentional Stillness

Start small. One block of time—maybe 30 minutes to an hour—per week. Put it on your calendar with a label like:

• “Unstructured Time”
• “Sanctuary Hour”
• “Rest, Without Rules”
• “Just Because I Can”

Here’s the rule: You don’t plan what you’ll do ahead of time. No pressure to check something off or be productive. You’re not forbidden from doing things—you’re just forbidden from deciding in advance what’s “worthy” of that time.

This is not lazy. It’s training your nervous system to tolerate ease.

Take a Reset Moment

Need a moment to reset? My guided meditations on YouTube and short podcast episodes are always there to help you pause, breathe, and come back to yourself.

A Short Reflection Practice: “Permission to Pause”

Find a quiet space. Sit or lie down. Close your eyes or soften your gaze.

Take a slow breath in. Let your body fill.

Exhale gently. Let your shoulders drop.

Say (out loud or silently):

“I don’t have to earn this moment.

I am allowed to rest.

I am safe when I am still.

I am worthy, even when I am not doing.”

Stay here for 1–3 minutes. Notice any resistance—and let it be.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

The way you think, feel, and act has a direct impact on the opportunities you create and the results you achieve. By adopting specific mental strategies, you can align your mind with your aspirations and unlock your potential. Here are three powerful mind hacks to help you get anything you want:

1. Live the Goal, NOW

One of the most effective ways to create the life you want is by visualizing your desired outcomes as though they’ve already happened. (Sound familiar? I started getting into this idea a few years ago, you can read about it here.) This strategy, often referred to as “pre-paving,” involves mentally rehearsing your future success, imagining every detail, and stepping into the version of yourself who has already achieved those goals. The key? FEELING yourself accomplishing that goal. Those feelings drive your actions and align your energy with the law of attraction. (Here’s a meditation to kickstart the process.)

Start by asking yourself:

• What does my life look like when I’ve achieved this?
• How do I feel?
• What steps did I take to get here?

When you visualize success vividly, your brain begins to interpret these thoughts as reality, motivating you to take the necessary actions to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.

It’s also helpful to align your daily habits with your vision. Take small, consistent steps every day that move you closer to your goal. Whether it’s making a phone call, sending an email, learning a new skill, or affirming your intentions, every action reinforces your commitment. Over time, this process helps you build momentum and confidence. For instance, if you’re working on manifesting a keynote speaking gig at a regional women’s conference (too specific?), you can start writing that keynote TODAY. And when that’s done, start writing your NEXT keynote.

It’s all about asking yourself:

• If I had already achieved the goal, what would I be doing right now?
• If I knew my goal was inevitable, what would I do today to further it?

2. Stay Present, Be Mindful of Your Energy

As you work toward your goals, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and forget to check in with yourself. However, one of the most underrated keys to success is mindfulness—the practice of staying present and fully aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

When life starts moving quickly, pause regularly to reflect on your progress. Ask yourself:

• How am I feeling right now?
• Are my actions aligned with my values and goals?

Practicing mindfulness helps you remain in tune with your emotions and ensures that you’re staying on track. This self-awareness allows you to make adjustments when necessary and avoid burnout. (Psst, this is one of the reasons why my approach to calendaring your life is essential—not just for your sanity but for creating your dreams. Check out my on-demand Time Mastery Workshop — unless you’re a client, in which case, check your coaching library .)

Mindfulness also keeps you grounded in the present moment. While planning for the future is important, obsessing over what’s ahead can lead to unnecessary stress. Instead, focus on what you can do today to bring you closer to your goal. Celebrate small wins, appreciate your efforts, and trust the process.

3. Let it Go

Your past experiences, while valuable for learning and growth, can sometimes become roadblocks to your future success. Holding onto regrets, failures, or grievances can weigh you down and prevent you from fully embracing new opportunities.

To move forward, practice the art of letting go. This doesn’t mean ignoring your past but reframing it in a way that empowers you. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, see them as lessons that have shaped your resilience and character. (Check out how to rewrite your past to transform your future in last month’s podcast.)

If certain memories or emotions still trigger negative feelings, consider journaling or meditating to process them. Ask yourself:

• What have I learned from this experience?
• How has it helped me grow?

By focusing on the lessons and releasing the pain, you create mental and emotional space for positive energy and new possibilities.

Letting go also applies to outdated beliefs about yourself. If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed,” recognize that these are just thoughts—not truths. Challenge those limiting beliefs by replacing them with affirmations that resonate with you. Consider: “I am capable, worthy, and deserving of success.” Over time, this shift in mindset will help you step into your power and unlock your potential.

Putting It All Together

The key to achieving anything you want in life lies in mastering your mind. By visualizing your success, practicing mindfulness, and releasing limiting beliefs, you align your thoughts and actions with your deepest desires. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a process that requires patience, consistency, and self-compassion.

Start small. Commit to one of these mind hacks today and see how it transforms your mindset and approach to life. Over time, you’ll not only achieve your goals but also grow into the best version of yourself. You have the power to create the life you want—one thought, one action, and one step at a time.

Photo by meo

The answer lies in a mix of biology, psychology, and societal influence. By understanding the roots of our inner critic, we can begin to quiet that voice and replace it with one that empowers us instead.

The Biological Roots of Self-Criticism

Our tendency to be hard on ourselves is partly due to evolutionary survival mechanisms. Early humans needed to be hyper-aware of threats and mistakes to survive. This vigilance extended inward: by analyzing what went wrong, they could learn and adapt to avoid future danger.

This is where the brain’s negativity bias comes into play. Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Negative memories and criticisms stick because they are processed more deeply, helping us stay alert to potential threats.

However, in today’s world, most of us aren’t navigating life-or-death situations. Yet, our brain’s hardwiring remains the same, leading us to dwell excessively on our perceived failures and flaws.

The Psychology of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is also shaped by psychological factors like self-esteem, upbringing, and personality traits.

• Social Comparison
  Psychologist Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory suggests that we evaluate ourselves based on comparisons to others. While this can motivate us to improve, it often backfires in a world dominated by social media. We compare our messy, behind-the-scenes lives to the highlight reels others post, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

• Perfectionism
  Perfectionists are especially hard on themselves because they equate their worth with their achievements. Research by Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett has shown that perfectionism is linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. When perfectionists fall short of their impossible standards, they berate themselves mercilessly.

• Internalized Voices
  Our inner critic often mimics the voices we heard growing up. If parents, teachers, or peers frequently pointed out flaws or emphasized achievement, we may internalize those expectations. This doesn’t mean those individuals intended harm—it’s simply how our brain learns to self-regulate by mirroring external feedback.

Societal Pressure and the Culture of “More”

Modern society plays a significant role in why we’re so hard on ourselves.

• The Hustle Mentality: There’s an unspoken expectation to be constantly productive, successful, and improving. This leaves little room for rest or imperfection.
• Achievement as Identity: In cultures where worth is tied to accomplishments, falling short can feel like a personal failure rather than a natural part of life.
• Beauty and Success Standards: Unrealistic standards perpetuated by media and advertising fuel feelings of “never being enough.”

The Cost of Being Hard on Ourselves

While some self-criticism can be constructive, excessive self-criticism takes a toll on mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

• Mental Health: Chronic self-criticism is linked to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Studies from Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, show that self-criticism activates the brain’s fight-or-flight response, creating unnecessary stress.
• Relationships: Being overly hard on ourselves can lead to strained relationships. We might project our insecurities onto others, withdraw, or struggle with trust and vulnerability.
• Performance: Ironically, while we may believe self-criticism pushes us to do better, it often has the opposite effect. Dr. Neff’s research found that self-compassion—not self-criticism—is a better predictor of resilience, motivation, and performance.

How to Break Free from Self-Criticism

The good news is that we can rewire our brains and shift our relationship with ourselves. Here’s how:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   Dr. Neff suggests treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. When you notice your inner critic, pause and ask: “Would I say this to someone I care about?” If not, reframe the thought in a more compassionate way.
2. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
   Instead of seeing mistakes as evidence of inadequacy, view them as valuable feedback. Neuroscience shows that adopting a growth mindset, as championed by Dr. Carol Dweck, helps us embrace challenges and persist despite setbacks.
3. Limit Social Comparisons
   Be mindful of how often you compare yourself to others. If social media triggers feelings of inadequacy, consider curating your feed to follow accounts that inspire rather than drain you.
4. Focus on Process, Not Perfection
   Shift your focus from outcomes to effort. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge progress, even if it’s imperfect.
5. Seek Support
   Sometimes, breaking free from self-criticism requires outside help. Therapy or coaching can provide tools to understand and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

A New Way Forward

Being hard on ourselves may feel like second nature, but it’s not inevitable. By understanding the roots of self-criticism and actively practicing self-compassion, we can quiet our inner critic and make room for self-acceptance.

Remember, you are not your mistakes or shortcomings. You are a work in progress, deserving of kindness and grace.

Let’s leave the harsh judgments behind and step into a new year of self-love, growth, and possibility.

Get Support!

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to reframe your inner narrative, let’s connect. Schedule a free consultation or explore my on-demand resources designed to help you cultivate self-compassion and live authentically.

Because you deserve to thrive—inside and out.

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com

(Never! ) We’ve all been there, twiddling our thumbs while the to-do list mocks us from across the room. But fear not, fellow dawdlers! With a sprinkle of self-awareness and a dash of humor, we can navigate the murky waters of procrastination. Buckle up as we dive into the wild rationale behind our delightful delays.

Why do we procrastinate? Research suggests it boils down to some of the following factors:

1. Fear of Failure: Some delay tasks to avoid the potential of making mistakes or facing criticism, especially when they feel the work must be perfect.
2. Task Overwhelm: Large or complex tasks can feel daunting, leading people to avoid starting altogether.
3. Lack of Motivation: When tasks feel tedious or lack personal significance, people tend to put them off.
4. Reward Delay: If the rewards of completing a task are distant or unclear, people may prioritize instant gratification over long-term gains.
5. Indecisiveness: Difficulty making decisions or clarifying steps can also contribute, as people avoid starting without a clear plan.

Procrastination often results from a blend of these factors, making it a challenging habit to break without addressing root causes. Taking all of these factors into account, here’s a peek at how this often plays out in the legal profession and how we can use this awareness to fix it:

Blame It on Biology, Baby!

First things first, let’s point the finger at the primary perpetrator—biology. Our motivational triad drives us to seek please (hello, Instagram!) and avoid pain (not today, massive project!) even to our own detriment. When faced with a daunting task, our brains whip out their best escape routes faster than you can say “deadline panic.”

In the case of daunting projects, demanding bosses, and frustrating clients, our brain screams, “Run for your life!” But instead of sprinting away, we end up binge-watching cat videos or obsessively scrolling through TikTok. (Because let’s be honest, sprinting really isn’t in my vocabulary these days…)

For my fellow lawyers, some partners and clients might as well be the literal hungry lions of our biological nightmares. When you’re avoiding a project, it’s not just laziness—it’s your inner survival instincts kicking into overdrive. Here’s what that might sound like:

• I’m not going to get this right and she’s going to flip out.
• I don’t know how to figure this out, and he’s probably going to fire me when I mess up.
• I can’t stand working for this client; I can’t trust anything they tell me.
• I’m so nervous, I cannot botch this project.
• Why bother with this project, he always redoes my work anyway because it’s never right.
• I hate working for this partner; I really don’t want to do this.
• This is going to be miserable.

These thoughts set the stage for a fear-fueled procrastination parade.

And just as we start to spiral into the abyss of avoidance, the Procrastination Fairy swoops in with shiny distractions:

• Starbucks has a new latte you need to try!
• Have you checked out your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page lately?
• You really need to order a dress for new year’s eve to kick off your new year properly!

Ah, yes, the classic lure of instant gratification. Instead of tackling the task at hand, we’re off indulging in endorphin-guzzling activities that make our brains do a happy dance. It’s the ultimate form of self-sabotage—pleasant on the surface, but oh-so-detrimental in the long run.

Deadline Panic

 
Just when you’ve bought THE BEST dress for NYE and you think you’ve fully mastered the art of procrastination, the deadline looms ominously on the horizon and crashes the party. Suddenly, all those little fears about failing the project morph into one gigantic fear of not finishing on time and our brains conjure images of:

• SHOUTY CAPS emails raining down like angry meteorites.
• Missed deadlines turn into a career dumpster fire and you sleeping on your parents’ couch for the foreseeable future.

And there you are, scrambling like a headless chicken, trying to finish the project at lightning speed. The result? A chaotic, slapshod, final product that likely misses the mark – or at least partially. Instead of showcasing your brilliance, you end up creating more proof that maybe you aren’t cut out for this, even more reasons for those around you to doubt your abilities, and more reasons for you to fear the next project.

Fear: The Master Puppeteer

All this chaos boils down to one tiny, pesky emotion: fear. We procrastinate to dodge negative feelings, only to let bigger fears kick us into high gear later on. It’s like avoiding a fender bender only to drive off a cliff later on. Not the best strategy for success.

So, how do we break free from this fear-driven procrastination loop? Here are a few tips to try out:

1. Treat Your Ears: Listen to my latest podcast exploring perfectionism which, as you can see, is at the heart of our procrastinating ways!
2. Embrace B- Work: Accept that sometimes “good enough” is just fine and perhaps DONE really is better than PERFECT in most instances.
3. Visualize Success: Picture yourself acing the project and rewarding yourself for your success.
4. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Large tasks can feel overwhelming. Divide them into smaller, manageable parts to make starting easier.
5. Set Short Deadlines: Create immediate, achievable deadlines instead of waiting until the last minute.
6. Use the “Two-Minute Rule”: Start a task for just two minutes. Often, this small action reduces resistance to completing it.
7. Identify the Root Cause: Recognize if fear of failure, lack of clarity, or motivation is holding you back and address it directly.
8. Reward Yourself: Set rewards for completing tasks to boost motivation and create a positive association with getting things done. “I’ll spend 30 minutes checking out this horrible project and then I’ll creep on my ex’s Facebook for a hot minute.” Motivation, entertainment, and positive reinforcement? Yes, please!
9. Use Tools for Focus: Apps or techniques like the Pomodoro Technique can help you stay focused and track your time efficiently.

Making gradual changes with these techniques can help build consistency and reduce procrastination.

Fear Not!

At the end of the day, procrastination is just fear in a cute outfit. By recognizing the biological and psychological dance that leads us astray, we can start taking back control.

We have to start getting honest with ourselves about why we are procrastinating to begin with. Once we get to the root of fear, we can ask whether we like that reasoning. Furthermore, we can acknowledge how this story will end if we choose to invest in that fear and go down the Facebook rabbit-hole instead. All of the above tools to combat procrastination only require one thing from you: honesty. Honesty with yourself about your actions and your justifications. From there, all you have to do is ask yourself whether you like your reasons for acting or not acting and make a new, informed, honest choice about your next steps. Those are the choices that will determine the type of person you become — one who procrastinates or one who doesn’t. The choice is ultimately yours and all that matters is whether you are comfortable with your reasoning.

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things.” – Gene Hayden

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

Now that we are adults everything seems to have changed. Not only are our lives and personalities more complicated than they were as children we start to care a lot more about the type of people we want to spend our personal time with. Now also for whatever reason that fear of rejection seems to be a bit more painful than it was when we were children or perhaps that part of us just never really grows up (?!).

As most of us are pressed for time it seems a lot easier to simply lament the fact that we don’t have a large friend group any longer than to expend the effort in time it makes to create new friendships. But in reality there are a lot of simple ways to make friends that will not only further that goal but will likely fulfill other interests that make us well-rounded, happier humans.

For whatever reason, March has declared itself the month of relationships. If that doesn’t make sense to you it’s probably because you’re not following along on the podcast, in which case, what are you feeding your ear balls?! This month, in the Lawyer Life Podcast we are not only exploring how to deal with difficult relationships but those episodes will be followed by episodes addressing how to know when a relationship has run its course and how to transform any relationship. Since I have been spending so much time thinking about relationships, it has gotten me thinking about one interesting recurring relationship theme I often coach on: how to establish and create new friendships as an adult professional woman.

For me personally, my legal career started in a city where I knew no one and had no ties whatsoever. Overtime, this introvert of yours has tried a variety of tactics to establish and create meaningful friendships as an adult. The following are my tried and tested tactics for finding and maintaining adult friendships.

Join Professional Groups or Organizations

This goes beyond your local and state bar associations — trust me, we already have enough lawyer friends. For me, this consisted of Junior League and a city-sponsored leadership program. While joining these programs harkened back to my days joining a sorority in college when I didn’t know anyone there either the results were worth every excruciating formality of the process. I found like-minded professional friends that have lasted long beyond the close of the event calendar. Time consuming? Yes. Overly structured? Yes. Both things that pushed me outside my comfort zone and forced me to learn and experience things I would otherwise have missed.

Attend Networking Events (other than bar/firm events)

After getting plugged into my local Chamber of Commerce via the city-sponsored leadership program, I signed up for one of their ongoing networking events and, despite my discomfort, attended a morning networking event. While there, I was able to connect with the lone attendee who appeared just as uncomfortable as I was in the room full of men in suits. Our discomfort quickly led to connection and our friendship followed from there.

Take Initiative at Work

This goes beyond taking on new projects but instead asks that we initiate conversations with colleagues and participating in work-related events or outings to expand our work networks. Some of the most important work-related friendships that I formed occurred with women outside of my practice group with whom I actively pursued a social relationship. They provided invaluable perspective on my working group and my team and could also relate to the challenges of practicing law in general. If there are women in your organization that you admire but that you don’t know socially, those are the ones to experiment with. Invite one of these women out on a coffee run and come prepared to talk about anything other than work. Try out: What do you do for fun when you’re not at work…if you weren’t a lawyer, what would you be doing for a career?…Tell me about how you landed in law… Bonus: those relationships will become essential for lateral moves as everyone starts bouncing around among firms and in-house jobs.

Join a Social Group or Club

One of the easiest topics of conversation when you were uncomfortable is that of your interests outside of work and your hobbies (if you don’t have any or don’t have time for that, let’s develop a plan to change that). I was recently at a holiday party where I didn’t know anybody and I struck up a conversation with an older woman at my table who mentioned that she was in a stand-up paddleboard  and kayak club. As someone who loves paddle boarding and kayaking, after the party I reached out to the host to get the woman’s contact information and contacted her to see if I could tag along to her group’s next outing (a very uncomfortable outreach for me!). She obliged and it has opened my world to a whole new group of interesting people that I would never have met otherwise as well as an opportunity to enjoy my hobbies which were being neglected. Bonus: groups like this open the possibilities to all sorts of potential client opportunities as well!

Volunteer for Causes You Care About

Years ago after my divorce, I reached out to the statewide domestic violence and sexual assault organizations to see if I could support them in any way (might as well put my traumas to good use, eh?). I quickly became a board member for a DV/SA organization and years later became the chair of the statewide coalition. That simple e-mail has connected me with so many interesting people with so many amazing backgrounds and great connections across my state. Again, amazing client opportunities as well as friendships.

Host Social Gatherings

We currently live in my husband’s hometown, albeit a metro of one million people, he seems to know or be related to most of them (Irish Catholics!). Because of this, I often found myself in groups where everyone knew everyone else and I was the outsider. To remedy this, my husband and I decided to make a regular practice or hosting a Sunday dinner for couples in our friend group. It was an easy way for me to get one-on-one time with the wives of his friends and build meaningful connections with previously casual acquaintances.

A few things to keep in mind…

Take the initiative. So many of us are waiting for someone else to initiate contact/conversation with us, but according to one study, when people viewed friendship as happening without effort, they were lonelier years later. When they viewed friendship as taking effort, they were less lonely.  Whether you use any of the tactics above, I recommend going into the situation believing that everybody there wants to be your friend and wants to get to know you but they’re just waiting for you to initiate it. Don’t wait for friendships or new connections to happen organically. Make it happen for yourself. Both you and the other party will thank you.

Seasons change and so do friendships. Not every friendship is meant to go the distance and that is OK. (Read that again.) If you find yourself struggling to maintain existing friendships because you feel like you should it’s possible that the friendship has simply run its course. That is not an indictment of you or the individual but simply an acknowledgement that our life is comprised of different seasons with different needs and different individuals willing to join us for those seasons. If a friendship feels forced let it go with love and move on (and listen to the upcoming podcast on that topic!).

Being vulnerable and authentic is the easiest way to forge connection. If you are at a networking event and you’re uncomfortable, say it to whomever you are talking to. If you have met someone that you want to become a closer friend with, say it. One of the most memorable adult friendship experiences I ever had was when a woman that I have known casually for years asked me to lunch saying I just don’t have a lot of friends and I would like to connect with you on that level. Her vulnerability blew my mind and opened my heart to invest more in that relationship. I won’t ever forget it.

Organization is important. Life is messy and busy and it’s easy to lose sight of these essential relationships. We must not forget that friendships require nurturing and attention to some degree. Every week when I sit down with my calendar I make sure that I have time scheduled to catch up with friends. At times, I have even developed a list of individuals that I want to maintain a relationship with or develop a relationship with and I used that list to guide my weekly calendar reviews to ensure that I was making time for everybody on that list at some point over the upcoming weeks. As an added bonus, whenever I had a bout of the “woe is mes” I was able to look at that list and remember all the amazing friendships I had in my life. Yes, it sounds overly structured and impersonal but it is the best way I have found to hold myself accountable to be a good friend and show up to nurture my existing relationships and those I am developing.  In my world getting together with friends is no different than scheduling time to go to the gym – if it’s important to me it gets a spot on my calendar.

Check out the full Newsletter and related topics here.

Photo by Belle Co

But are they really others’ judgement or are they coming from somewhere closer to home?

We’ve all made some big decisions, the kind that can’t be easily unwound. Marriages, divorces, job changes, career changes, kids (or no kids!) etc. During our lives we will make loads of big decisions and with those decisions the same kinds of worries.

What will other people think?

I had this epiphany lately about people’s judgment and it came from a surprising place — my tattoos. Bear with me here, I promise this applies to the real world. I love tattoos. I’ve always loved tattoos and have slowly collected them over the years but within the past few years, I decided to dive headfirst into some big ones — life in my 40s has made me bolder, apparently. After 8 painful hours on the table my newest piece of art was complete. After a few weeks, it was completely healed and a few months later, it was summer and I could finally let it see the sun. Hallelujah!

But as I went through my summer wardrobe ready for my first sunny adventure, I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if I should wear clothing that would reveal it. Who was going to be there? Who would see? What would my in-laws think? Would I see someone from my company? I started to sweat uncomfortably as I contemplated going out in public baring my new skin and I was nervous to be in a bathing suit in front of my friends and family. After all the time (pain!) and money I spent on this, why was I suddenly wanting to hide it?

Because I was terrified that others were going to judge me.

That’s ugly. What a terrible idea. She’s going to regret that. That was dumb.

All of these anticipated judgments danced around in my head and I was hesitant to put myself in a position where others could say them. But I did this for ME, why did I care what anyone else thought?! Because their judgment echoed all the worries and concerns I held myself.

What if I did regret it some day?

What if I ended up hating it?

I had decided to push through those worries and do the damn thing anyway and while I felt resolved in my decision — obviously too late to back out now! — I didn’t want to hear those same things from other people. Those same judgments from others would only make me wonder

What if they’re right? What if I did make a mistake?

It was as if their criticisms would have the power to overwhlem my own resolve and convince me that I had, in fact, made a mistake.

Regardless of the big decision, the patterning is the same — we don’t want to tell people we got a divorce, changed jobs, quit practicing law, or got the tattoo because we don’t want to invite their judgment.

Furthermore, when we do receive those judgments, we allow them to erode our resolve. Their criticisms make us second-guess our own decisions.

Consider this common scenario that I see only about 100 times a week. When we tell someone that we don’t have capacity for more work or a new project and they respond by judging our hours or our workload — You only billed 50 hours last week…you’re not that busy… — we bristle because there is a part of us that wonders if that judgment is right. We allow their criticism to weaken our prior decision to reject more work. We take that criticism and start to wonder if perhaps we aren’t working enough and we should be working more. Their criticism hits a nerve because there is always a part of us that is judging ourselves for not taking on the work. There is a part of us that feels guilty for saying no and their criticism calls to that part of us.

And you know how we “fix” those feelings of guilt and self-judgment? We turn around and say yes to the project and take on more work. We backtrack on our own truth in order to feel better in the short term…and we all know how that one ends.

The foundation of our work in the Lawyer Life Collective is to live authentically. To honor the decisions we have made — good or bad — and to not judge ourselves for them. We commit to having our own back and to not being dissuaded by others and their judgments. Our motto is –

I am committing to being authentically me (AF)!

Any time we worry that we are being judged by others, it is a neon sign showing us our own work. The same goes for when we judge others but that’s a separate puzzle to sort out.

If your worries about others’ judgements are keeping you from honoring yourself, sign up for a free coaching consultation and start taking action to live more authentically!

When we take action, we will rarely feel 100% secure in our decision. Self-doubt is part of being human. Our work is to remain steadfast in our decisions and commit to following through even when others’ judgements echo our own self doubt.

Judgment from others and self-doubt is not a sign that you are doing it wrong, in fact, it may be a sign that you are evolving.

Today, commit to being authentically you even when others judge you. Recognize where others’ judgement bothers you because it echoes the judgments we hold for ourselves. Allow your own self-doubt to go with you on your journey of authenticity, it is part of your humanness and is not an indictment of your decisions. Stay the course!

I don’t want to do this……I shouldn’t have to do this….this is stupid…..this is a waste of my time…

When our brain goes on this tirade it’s incredibly difficult not to jump on this whiny bandwagon, throw our hands in the air, stamp our feet on the ground and throw some middle fingers whatever grown-up obligation affronts us.

Not only is this resistance an incredible waste of our energy it ignores the essential nature of life.

All things are yin and yang and there are always going to be things that we simply don’t want to do. It is during those moments when we can rise up as fully grown humans and accept that even when there are things we don’t want to do, we must simply accept that part of life and proceed anyway.

Whether we have set a lofty goal that requires us to show up, get out of bed early, or do things that we wouldn’t otherwise normally do, or when we find ourselves realizing that there are parts of our jobs that we simply detest (hello, fake deadlines, anyone?), they are all experiences confronting us with a very basic fact of life: there are always going to be things, parts of our jobs, people, activities, etc. that we simply don’t like or that we simply don’t want to do.

I, personally, would like to exercise my veto authority over recurring meetings that do not involve a matter of life or death.

The more we give attention to our objections, the larger and louder they grow and with that, the tension within us increases and our resistance grows stronger. All of those components combine to make it more and more difficult to simply follow through and show up for the adult parts of our lives. Never mind the mental and emotional toll this takes on our bodies and spirits.

In those moments I find it helpful to simply acknowledge the resistance and take ownership of the fact that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do.

Rather than railing against ourselves and judging ourselves for not wanting to do it or making excuses to avoid doing it, what if we simply owned the fact that we don’t want to do it, that we don’t like doing it, and that we are struggling to follow through? In conjunction with that exploration what if we could simply ask ourselves to just do it despite the fact that we don’t want to?

In either case we are creating a habit — a habit of making excuses, guilting ourselves to action, showing up negatively, or giving up entirely OR a habit of following through despite our own resistance.

When we acknowledge that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but that we are willing to do them for reasons that matter to us, it calms the waters of resistance. When we acknowledge that there are things that we simply don’t want to do and that it’s okay to not want to do them, we can allow judgment to pass us by and we can stay present with our own reality.

There are always going to be things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but we can make peace by acknowledging why it’s important for us to do them anyway and taking stock of our willingness to do things even when we don’t want to because it aligns with our higher purpose and intentions.

There is no need to judge ourselves for experiencing the normal yin and yang of life.

Rather, we can honor this human experience including all its goods and bads and recognize what we like and what we don’t like. In doing so, we can resolve to take ownership of what we are willing to do in furtherance of our larger goals and in alignment with our true intentions even when we don’t want to do those things. That is complete power and ownership over our lives and allows us to slip out of the victim mentality that often comes when we stew in those I don’t want to lines of thinking.

Set a goal and when it comes down to executing and your brain cries, I don’t want to….recognize that is not a sign that you need to stop. That is simply your biological discomfort with doing hard things. Then, do it anyway because it is in furtherance of who you want to be, accepting that we rarely want to do the hard work. The question is whether you are willing to.

Not wanting to do something is irrelevant, the question is whether you are willing to do what is needed in furtherance of your goals. That is what distinguishes your dreams from your reality.

Photo by Stephen Andrews

After so many years of working to become an attorney many of my clients find themselves in a position where they suddenly realize that being a lawyer is not everything that they thought it would be. They find themselves bristling against everything that their practice is asking of them. They don’t like the hours, they don’t like the demands, they’re not particularly interested in the work, and they can’t help but wonder:

Is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with the job?

Today I want to explore a simple exploration you can undertake to get to the bottom of this critical and terrifying question.

(If this is a struggle you are going through, I strongly encourage you to sign up for a free coaching session. I would love to help you get clarity around your career and settle those feelings of discomfort.)

Early in my career, it was made abundantly clear to me that, with respect to my lawyering path, I only had one of two choices to make. I could provide advice and counsel or I could be a project attorney like a litigator or a deal lawyer.

Advice and counsel lawyers deal with the ongoing business side of their clients. This work involves day-to-day advice and support regarding contracts, business initiatives and general business operations. In contrast, “project” lawyers are those who ride the waves of cases and deals. Those attorneys may be staffed on a handful of deals or cases at any particular time but largely their work centers around one significant event in the life of their client’s business. At the close of that event, the parties typically go their merry ways or start another, similar transaction.

I knew well enough in law school that I did not want to be a litigator however I did not have a sense of what it meant to be a deal attorney or to provide advice and counsel. When I first started my practice I worked in a larger corporate finance group that housed not only employee benefits, ERISA, intellectual property work but also mergers and acquisitions. Given that my early years of practicing occurred during the recession of 2009 I was lucky enough to be cast as the one and only associate for the entire corporate finance group. As a result, I was exposed to both transactional and deal work. While I certainly enjoyed the thrill and excitement of a deal: the last minute fire drills and being able to come together as a team to succeed towards an overarching goal, I quickly came to realize that the lifestyle and demands of deal work was simply not for me.

In contrast, the advice and counsel work allowed me to develop more of an ongoing relationship and understanding of my clients and manage my workload in a manner that allowed me to have something closer to that ever elusive 9 to 5 job. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like the deal work but rather I didn’t like the lifestyle of the deal work. The challenges were enjoyable on both fronts but I simply realized that the life I was wanting was not consistent with deal work. Fast forward years later, I had a conversation with the corporate finance practice group chair and was able to focus my work into one of the many subsets of corporate finance instead of bouncing around amongst all the groups. I was finally able to enjoy the advice/counsel side of things and get away from the deal work.

Through that experience I realized that I would be happy doing any kind of work that challenged me intellectually but what really filled my happiness bucket was stimulating work that also allowed me to have some predictability and stability in my life.

As a coach, I work with attorneys of all different kinds of backgrounds and I have many clients who are deal attorneys and litigators who thrive on the life cycles of their deals and cases. They enjoy the excitement they enjoy the thrill on the rush that comes with working towards an overarching goal and they appreciate the ebbs and flows of that work. In contrast I also work with a variety of more transactional attorneys who thoroughly enjoy having a day that’s a little bit more predictable and being able to develop that long term relationship with their clients. Both types of work have their place in the legal industry and within law firms. Our challenge is discerning which type of work is more in alignment with who we are and what we want our lives to be. I firmly believe that as attorneys we enjoy intellectual stimulations stimulation and intellectual challenge. With that in mind, I also believe that we could practice in nearly any area of law and find happiness.

The question is what type of lifestyle do we want to have that accompanies that intellectual stimulation? That is where the ultimate decision between advice/counsel work and deal/case work comes into play.

If you find yourself lashing out against the realities of your particular practice area I encourage you to ask simply: am I just coming to realize which type of work I want to do?

It is not uncommon for attorneys that I work with to come to me completely certain that there is something wrong with them and that they’re simply not cut out for practicing law. When I push them on this conclusion what I often find is they’re struggling with the realities and the demands of the particular type of work that they find themselves in. For those clients, I encourage them to consider whether their experience is simply a realization of the type of work that they want to do rather than a condemnation of their skill sets and abilities.

Is it possible that nothing has gone wrong? Is it possible that you have simply learned through experience the type of work that you don’t want to do?

I have never met a client who is simply not cut out for practicing law. We must not forget how much work we put in to get here and how many opportunities we had to wash out and to be told that we are in the wrong place.

Now here we are doing the thing we’ve been working so hard for and finally we are the ones telling ourselves that we are not cut out for this. Why would we choose to do that? There is so much evidence to the contrary!

What if instead of making this about ourselves (as we humans are often prone to do) we instead saw our unhappiness as good information to inform our next career decision. We can use our experience to teach us more about the types of work we actually want to do. Then we can set out to find it.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich

There are all these rules about how we are supposed to live and how things are supposed to work out and many of us wholeheartedly believe these rules and it is stagnating us.

I recently had a client who was struggling to figure out her next move and she was struggling to make a decision. She was examining certain career opportunities available to her and she was convinced that they were all mutually exclusive. She believed that she had to pursue her legal career or her passion for social change. She believed that she had to be an educator or an attorney. She felt that she was at a crossroads and the only way to move forward was to make a dramatic change one way or the other. She was paralyzed by the

tyranny of the or. 

During our session together, we were able to explore the possibility that maybe none of her dreams need to be mutually exclusive: it’s possible to have a legal career and do lobbying work. It’s possible to be an attorney and support nonprofits with their legislative work. It’s possible to be an attorney and an educator.

When we allow our ourselves to buy into either/or propositions, our brain is not able to see the solutions available to us. (Hello, confirmation bias, you old goat!)

When we feel like we are faced with mutually exclusive options, our duty as evolving humans is to challenge these prescribed rules and ask:

Why can’t we do both? What could that look like?

Does one choice really have to eclipse the other?

Is there some way we could make both options work?

How do we know that we can’t do both?

The only way you will ever know the answer to these questions is if you ditch the tyranny of the or and invest in both and thinking.

If you catch yourself feeling stuck and unsure what to do next ask yourself whether you are subscribing mutually exclusive thinking. Instead consider ways that you can make all options work for you in this moment.

I encounter all sorts of professionals whose lives are multifaceted and well-rounded. Women who are invested in both and thinking and committed to living a well-rounded life that incorporates everything they want. They don’t allow their lives to be a series of black and white options: they subscribe to both and  thinking.

If this is appealing to you, I would love to visit with you and see how we can get you closer to a balanced, both and kind of life. Grab a free consult and let’s get to work.

This doesn’t necessitate any large life changes but can be applied at the simplest and most basic levels. I can’t work out and get my work done. I can’t get enough sleep and finish these projects. I can’t have a social life and have a career.

The next time you catch yourself in one of these simplistic lines of thinking, ask yourself whether this is a middle ground. For instance, if you are stuck thinking I can’t work out and get my work done, what if you only tried to work out for 30 minutes instead of an hour? What if you identified projects that don’t need an A+ finish and used that extra time to workout?

When we allow ourselves to ditch the tyranny of the or, we are often amazed at the solutions that manifest just to being open to new possibilities.

Photo by DS stories

Look, See, Tell the Truth, Take Authentic Action

LOOK & SEE

It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day demands of life. Our jobs, our families, our sanity peace of mind, our obligations, all scream for attention as we rush around putting out fires all the live long day. We get into a routine. We get used to the chaos. We know what must be done to keep everything moving forward.

But when was the last time you took at hard look at all those activities? Do you have a clear grasp of where all of your time goes everyday and what is drawing upon your energy?

When we operate on auto-pilot, we forego any opportunity for honest self-examination. Absent that, transformation is an impossibility. It is only when we take a hard look at our lives that we are able to ask–is this what I’m really wanting? What’s really going on here?

TELL THE TRUTH

This is where having an unbiased third party like a coach can be invaluable. It’s easy to tell yourself:

I just don’t have enough time, I can never lose weight, I just need to make more money, I just need to find a new job.

Those thoughts are incredibly persuasive. They ask nothing of us and they allow us to make others the villain–we are simply the victim to happenstance and bad luck. Making others the problem is easy because it asks nothing of us; we just have to continue being the victim.

Instead, when we commit to telling the truth, it means we have to start exploring possibilities beyond our powerless thinking. It requires us to seek out the facts. If you don’t have enough time, consider tracking your time for a week and trying to get a better understanding of where it’s all going. The same can be said for your spending and eating habits — What are you eating every day? Where are you spending your money?

Are we living consciously and aware of all the choices we make in every day or are we operating blinding and placing the blame outside of ourselves?

If we don’t have a clear handle on the facts underlying all the drama, it’s nearly impossible to craft workable, authentic, and lasting solutions.

In this part of the process, we take back our power. We recognize where we are losing time during the day, where we are indulging in that second glass of wine because we’ve had a long day, or where we are buying random garbage on impulse because we are trying to soothe some other unhappiness. This is the part where we own our truth and take control over our lives; where we stop letting ourselves be a victim to circumstances outside of ourselves.

TAKE AUTHENTIC ACTION

Then we decide. With all the newfound knowledge this exploration has given us, what do we want to do differently? The answer may be, “nothing.” But that nothing will be a clear and conscious choice. That answer will come from a place of power and ownership.

On the other hand, the answer might be, “I don’t want to keep spending money this way….losing time on social media…moving from job to job…eating all the things when I’m unhappy.” With those realizations, we can start taking authentic action and experimenting with solutions. That is power.

When we believe we have no control over our woes, the only solution that fixes those woes is one where all the triggers change. The boss stops being a jerk, your salary increases, your metabolism suddenly changes, etc.

When everything else is the problem, the only solution is for everything else to CHANGE.

(And we all know how unlikely that is to happen.)

When we look, see, tell the truth, and take authentic action, we take back our power and start making changes within our own realm of influence.

Today, when you catch yourself wanting to indulge in inaction from a place of powerlessness, consider what it would be like to take back your power: to look, see, tell the truth, and take authentic action.

It’s your life after all, you might as well pretend you’re in control.