The way you think, feel, and act has a direct impact on the opportunities you create and the results you achieve. By adopting specific mental strategies, you can align your mind with your aspirations and unlock your potential. Here are three powerful mind hacks to help you get anything you want:

1. Live the Goal, NOW

One of the most effective ways to create the life you want is by visualizing your desired outcomes as though they’ve already happened. (Sound familiar? I started getting into this idea a few years ago, you can read about it here.) This strategy, often referred to as “pre-paving,” involves mentally rehearsing your future success, imagining every detail, and stepping into the version of yourself who has already achieved those goals. The key? FEELING yourself accomplishing that goal. Those feelings drive your actions and align your energy with the law of attraction. (Here’s a meditation to kickstart the process.)

Start by asking yourself:

• What does my life look like when I’ve achieved this?
• How do I feel?
• What steps did I take to get here?

When you visualize success vividly, your brain begins to interpret these thoughts as reality, motivating you to take the necessary actions to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.

It’s also helpful to align your daily habits with your vision. Take small, consistent steps every day that move you closer to your goal. Whether it’s making a phone call, sending an email, learning a new skill, or affirming your intentions, every action reinforces your commitment. Over time, this process helps you build momentum and confidence. For instance, if you’re working on manifesting a keynote speaking gig at a regional women’s conference (too specific?), you can start writing that keynote TODAY. And when that’s done, start writing your NEXT keynote.

It’s all about asking yourself:

• If I had already achieved the goal, what would I be doing right now?
• If I knew my goal was inevitable, what would I do today to further it?

2. Stay Present, Be Mindful of Your Energy

As you work toward your goals, it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and forget to check in with yourself. However, one of the most underrated keys to success is mindfulness—the practice of staying present and fully aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions.

When life starts moving quickly, pause regularly to reflect on your progress. Ask yourself:

• How am I feeling right now?
• Are my actions aligned with my values and goals?

Practicing mindfulness helps you remain in tune with your emotions and ensures that you’re staying on track. This self-awareness allows you to make adjustments when necessary and avoid burnout. (Psst, this is one of the reasons why my approach to calendaring your life is essential—not just for your sanity but for creating your dreams. Check out my on-demand Time Mastery Workshop — unless you’re a client, in which case, check your coaching library .)

Mindfulness also keeps you grounded in the present moment. While planning for the future is important, obsessing over what’s ahead can lead to unnecessary stress. Instead, focus on what you can do today to bring you closer to your goal. Celebrate small wins, appreciate your efforts, and trust the process.

3. Let it Go

Your past experiences, while valuable for learning and growth, can sometimes become roadblocks to your future success. Holding onto regrets, failures, or grievances can weigh you down and prevent you from fully embracing new opportunities.

To move forward, practice the art of letting go. This doesn’t mean ignoring your past but reframing it in a way that empowers you. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, see them as lessons that have shaped your resilience and character. (Check out how to rewrite your past to transform your future in last month’s podcast.)

If certain memories or emotions still trigger negative feelings, consider journaling or meditating to process them. Ask yourself:

• What have I learned from this experience?
• How has it helped me grow?

By focusing on the lessons and releasing the pain, you create mental and emotional space for positive energy and new possibilities.

Letting go also applies to outdated beliefs about yourself. If you’ve ever told yourself, “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never succeed,” recognize that these are just thoughts—not truths. Challenge those limiting beliefs by replacing them with affirmations that resonate with you. Consider: “I am capable, worthy, and deserving of success.” Over time, this shift in mindset will help you step into your power and unlock your potential.

Putting It All Together

The key to achieving anything you want in life lies in mastering your mind. By visualizing your success, practicing mindfulness, and releasing limiting beliefs, you align your thoughts and actions with your deepest desires. Remember, change doesn’t happen overnight—it’s a process that requires patience, consistency, and self-compassion.

Start small. Commit to one of these mind hacks today and see how it transforms your mindset and approach to life. Over time, you’ll not only achieve your goals but also grow into the best version of yourself. You have the power to create the life you want—one thought, one action, and one step at a time.

Photo by meo

This month we are talking about life alignment and specifically evaluating whether or not our lives and our careers reflect our deepest intentions and align with the people that we want to be at our core.

But how do you know if you’re on the right path or if some adjustments need to be made?

There is something about that exploration that is so primal and so awesome that our immediate response is often to ignore the very weight of it. That’s when you know you’re asking the right questions and it’s time to look deeper.

With so many options and societal pressures, it’s easy to get lost or end up pursuing a path that doesn’t truly resonate with you. But what if you could tap into your inner guidance to uncover a career that aligns with who you truly are? Here’s a guide to help you discover what you really want to do with your career, using one simple tool in the process.

New me, who dis?

Before you can figure out what you truly want to do, you need to understand who you are. This involves digging deep into your passions, values, strengths, and interests. Consider the following questions as a starting point:

• What activities make you lose track of time or put you into a “flow” state?
• What topics could you talk about for hours without getting bored?
• What do people often come to you for advice about?

Reflecting on these questions helps you tap into your innate interests and strengths, which are essential clues to your ideal career.

Document your journey!

When my first marriage started to slowly crumble around me and I was tap dancing on the edge of a dark depression, journaling was one of the tools that helped me get my head back on straight and see true north again. Journaling is one of the most powerful tools for self-discovery because it allows you to explore your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental space, uncovering insights that might otherwise remain hidden.

By regularly journaling, we become more in tune with our intuition and inner voice. Writing allows us to access insights and guidance that might otherwise remain buried in our subconscious. It’s a way of listening to ourselves and discovering truths that can guide our decisions and actions.

Try out the questions above or these journaling prompts to get started:

• What does my ideal day look like?
  Write in detail about your ideal workday. Where are you working? What tasks are you performing? How do you feel throughout the day? This exercise can reveal aspects of your ideal career environment and tasks that bring you joy.

• What did I love doing as a child?
  Children naturally gravitate toward activities that excite them. Reconnecting with these early passions can guide you toward a career that feels authentic and fulfilling. (Psst, did you hear my revelation on the podcast about my childhood forays with telekinesis?! I was (am?) a weird kid, simple as that.)

What do I really care about?

Your core values are the guiding principles that shape your decisions and behavior. When your career aligns with your values, you’re more likely to feel satisfied and motivated. Spend time journaling about what truly matters to you. Is it creativity, helping others, financial security, freedom, or something else? Use a journal to identify your top five core values. Once you’ve identified them, reflect on how these values can be integrated into your career. For instance, if “helping others” is a top value, you might thrive in a career centered on service or support.

Be open and flexible

So often we get caught up in the “hows” of life. We want to know exactly what our path forward will look like before we decide whether we want to embark on it. But that’s just not how life works! Often times, the only way to discover your true career path is through continued faith and experimentation. The beauty of this approach is that you don’t have to flip a switch and become a new person overnight. Instead, you can take on small projects, freelance work, or volunteer opportunities in the areas that interest you and see where those take you. This hands-on experience can provide clarity about what you enjoy and where your strengths lie. You might even use your newfound journaling skills to unpack the experiments and see what you liked or didn’t like about it…

Use your resources!

Talking to others who are already in fields you’re interested in can provide valuable insights. Reach out to professionals for informational interviews, join relevant networking groups, or find a mentor who can guide you through the process. Sometimes, an external perspective can illuminate aspects of yourself or your career path that you hadn’t considered. (It’s me, I’m a resource!)

Take a good look at it.

Visualization is a powerful technique to connect with your future self and your desired career. Spend time imagining your life five or ten years from now. Picture your career, your lifestyle, and how you feel in this future scenario. In your journal, write a detailed description of your future self, including your career, accomplishments, and daily life. This exercise helps you clarify your goals and align your actions with your desired future. Don’t skip this step! You don’t need to know your exact path forward but you do need to have a sense of the direction you want to be heading and visualization will help you clarify that direction.

Trust the Process

Figuring out what you truly want to do with your career is a journey, not a destination. It’s okay to change directions, make mistakes, and take time to explore. Trust that each step you take is bringing you closer to a career that resonates with your true self. With your ideal future in mind, ask yourself what simple steps you could take today to move toward that idea. Progress is made through consistent, intentional steps.

Conclusion

Finding your true career path is a deeply personal journey that requires introspection, exploration, and patience. By embracing self-discovery and using journaling as a tool, you can uncover a career that not only fulfills you but also aligns with your authentic self. Remember, the answers are within you; it’s just a matter of giving yourself the time and space to discover them.

When I was reeling from the impact of my divorce and trying to navigate the trauma following a decade of abuse, I went home to visit my parents. I noticed that my mom had picked up a new piece of art — some Banksy knockoff that included a quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald. She never said anything to me about the art or its meaning but I always felt like it was directed at me–I was, after all, the only child that was presently burning down her entire life only to begin anew, despite the very responsible lives my brothers were leading. I always felt like it was her silent confirmation that I was doing the right thing and that I had made the right choice. It made me feel seen. It made me feel brave. To this day, I love this quote so much and offer it to you all here in hopes that it will similarly inspire you as well.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

― Francis Scott Fitzgerald

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok

Now that we are adults everything seems to have changed. Not only are our lives and personalities more complicated than they were as children we start to care a lot more about the type of people we want to spend our personal time with. Now also for whatever reason that fear of rejection seems to be a bit more painful than it was when we were children or perhaps that part of us just never really grows up (?!).

As most of us are pressed for time it seems a lot easier to simply lament the fact that we don’t have a large friend group any longer than to expend the effort in time it makes to create new friendships. But in reality there are a lot of simple ways to make friends that will not only further that goal but will likely fulfill other interests that make us well-rounded, happier humans.

For whatever reason, March has declared itself the month of relationships. If that doesn’t make sense to you it’s probably because you’re not following along on the podcast, in which case, what are you feeding your ear balls?! This month, in the Lawyer Life Podcast we are not only exploring how to deal with difficult relationships but those episodes will be followed by episodes addressing how to know when a relationship has run its course and how to transform any relationship. Since I have been spending so much time thinking about relationships, it has gotten me thinking about one interesting recurring relationship theme I often coach on: how to establish and create new friendships as an adult professional woman.

For me personally, my legal career started in a city where I knew no one and had no ties whatsoever. Overtime, this introvert of yours has tried a variety of tactics to establish and create meaningful friendships as an adult. The following are my tried and tested tactics for finding and maintaining adult friendships.

Join Professional Groups or Organizations

This goes beyond your local and state bar associations — trust me, we already have enough lawyer friends. For me, this consisted of Junior League and a city-sponsored leadership program. While joining these programs harkened back to my days joining a sorority in college when I didn’t know anyone there either the results were worth every excruciating formality of the process. I found like-minded professional friends that have lasted long beyond the close of the event calendar. Time consuming? Yes. Overly structured? Yes. Both things that pushed me outside my comfort zone and forced me to learn and experience things I would otherwise have missed.

Attend Networking Events (other than bar/firm events)

After getting plugged into my local Chamber of Commerce via the city-sponsored leadership program, I signed up for one of their ongoing networking events and, despite my discomfort, attended a morning networking event. While there, I was able to connect with the lone attendee who appeared just as uncomfortable as I was in the room full of men in suits. Our discomfort quickly led to connection and our friendship followed from there.

Take Initiative at Work

This goes beyond taking on new projects but instead asks that we initiate conversations with colleagues and participating in work-related events or outings to expand our work networks. Some of the most important work-related friendships that I formed occurred with women outside of my practice group with whom I actively pursued a social relationship. They provided invaluable perspective on my working group and my team and could also relate to the challenges of practicing law in general. If there are women in your organization that you admire but that you don’t know socially, those are the ones to experiment with. Invite one of these women out on a coffee run and come prepared to talk about anything other than work. Try out: What do you do for fun when you’re not at work…if you weren’t a lawyer, what would you be doing for a career?…Tell me about how you landed in law… Bonus: those relationships will become essential for lateral moves as everyone starts bouncing around among firms and in-house jobs.

Join a Social Group or Club

One of the easiest topics of conversation when you were uncomfortable is that of your interests outside of work and your hobbies (if you don’t have any or don’t have time for that, let’s develop a plan to change that). I was recently at a holiday party where I didn’t know anybody and I struck up a conversation with an older woman at my table who mentioned that she was in a stand-up paddleboard  and kayak club. As someone who loves paddle boarding and kayaking, after the party I reached out to the host to get the woman’s contact information and contacted her to see if I could tag along to her group’s next outing (a very uncomfortable outreach for me!). She obliged and it has opened my world to a whole new group of interesting people that I would never have met otherwise as well as an opportunity to enjoy my hobbies which were being neglected. Bonus: groups like this open the possibilities to all sorts of potential client opportunities as well!

Volunteer for Causes You Care About

Years ago after my divorce, I reached out to the statewide domestic violence and sexual assault organizations to see if I could support them in any way (might as well put my traumas to good use, eh?). I quickly became a board member for a DV/SA organization and years later became the chair of the statewide coalition. That simple e-mail has connected me with so many interesting people with so many amazing backgrounds and great connections across my state. Again, amazing client opportunities as well as friendships.

Host Social Gatherings

We currently live in my husband’s hometown, albeit a metro of one million people, he seems to know or be related to most of them (Irish Catholics!). Because of this, I often found myself in groups where everyone knew everyone else and I was the outsider. To remedy this, my husband and I decided to make a regular practice or hosting a Sunday dinner for couples in our friend group. It was an easy way for me to get one-on-one time with the wives of his friends and build meaningful connections with previously casual acquaintances.

A few things to keep in mind…

Take the initiative. So many of us are waiting for someone else to initiate contact/conversation with us, but according to one study, when people viewed friendship as happening without effort, they were lonelier years later. When they viewed friendship as taking effort, they were less lonely.  Whether you use any of the tactics above, I recommend going into the situation believing that everybody there wants to be your friend and wants to get to know you but they’re just waiting for you to initiate it. Don’t wait for friendships or new connections to happen organically. Make it happen for yourself. Both you and the other party will thank you.

Seasons change and so do friendships. Not every friendship is meant to go the distance and that is OK. (Read that again.) If you find yourself struggling to maintain existing friendships because you feel like you should it’s possible that the friendship has simply run its course. That is not an indictment of you or the individual but simply an acknowledgement that our life is comprised of different seasons with different needs and different individuals willing to join us for those seasons. If a friendship feels forced let it go with love and move on (and listen to the upcoming podcast on that topic!).

Being vulnerable and authentic is the easiest way to forge connection. If you are at a networking event and you’re uncomfortable, say it to whomever you are talking to. If you have met someone that you want to become a closer friend with, say it. One of the most memorable adult friendship experiences I ever had was when a woman that I have known casually for years asked me to lunch saying I just don’t have a lot of friends and I would like to connect with you on that level. Her vulnerability blew my mind and opened my heart to invest more in that relationship. I won’t ever forget it.

Organization is important. Life is messy and busy and it’s easy to lose sight of these essential relationships. We must not forget that friendships require nurturing and attention to some degree. Every week when I sit down with my calendar I make sure that I have time scheduled to catch up with friends. At times, I have even developed a list of individuals that I want to maintain a relationship with or develop a relationship with and I used that list to guide my weekly calendar reviews to ensure that I was making time for everybody on that list at some point over the upcoming weeks. As an added bonus, whenever I had a bout of the “woe is mes” I was able to look at that list and remember all the amazing friendships I had in my life. Yes, it sounds overly structured and impersonal but it is the best way I have found to hold myself accountable to be a good friend and show up to nurture my existing relationships and those I am developing.  In my world getting together with friends is no different than scheduling time to go to the gym – if it’s important to me it gets a spot on my calendar.

Check out the full Newsletter and related topics here.

Photo by Belle Co

Clarity first.

First and foremost, when we embark on this journey, we have to get very clear on what you want. I discuss this topic at length in various other articles but the point is worth repeating here: make sure that you are not running away from a problem that is simply going to follow you wherever you take your career. To do this, we ask why you want to leave your practice and then consider:

• Is that reason strong enough to push you through the highs and lows that will inevitably come when you strike out on your own?

If you’re not clear on this point, one simple experiment can help elucidate this. Spend a month carefully analyzing your every day experiences. Commit to devoting one month of your life to thoughtfully examining every high and every low — at work and out of work. The goal is to figure out what types of activities, environments, tasks, people, spark joy for you and which ones rob you of energy and motivation. Consider the following prompts:

• Were there parts of your day that filled you up and excited you? Why?
• Were there things that you were doing that sparked joy or put you in a flow state? Why?
• What parts of your day drained your energy? Why?
• What parts of your day energized you? Why?
• What parts of your day made it difficult for you to engage with the activity at hand? Why?
• What activities made it difficult for you to stay engaged? Why?

Working through this kind of an examination will help you get clear on the parts of your life/career that are sapping your energy or are no longer engaging. This kind of an examination may provide a simple road map for adjustments that can be made to find more happiness and fulfillment in your existing state. You might be surprised at the parts of your day that got you into a flow state. You might even start to notice patterns that could help you re-design your practice to include more of those things, no exit required.

In contrast, this experiment may provide a wake up call. If you find that your work life rarely provides activities that energize you, excite you, or put you into a flow state, it’s likely that small adjustments will not resolve the issue and a pivot may be in order.

When I conducted this analysis myself what I realized was a bit startling. I no longer felt energized by the area of law or the challenges presented to me on a daily basis. I felt disconnected from their import and found it difficult to drum up the energy to be engaged with the work. I was bogged down in meetings and interactions that no longer felt meaningful for me and took more energy than they gave. I had limited opportunities to participate in the type of activities that brought me into a flow state and energized me. In short 99% of my days were filled with projects, topics, and interactions that not only failed to engage my mind but left me feeling drained. I felt like I wasn’t working very hard but I was EXHAUSTED every day because every task was draining me (because it was a bad fit).  A further examination of the things outside of work that did put me into a flow state and energized me helped me to set the stage for my pivot.

Money second.

Second, get clear on your finances. This is the most significant impediment you will run into that will keep you from taking the leap. Spending time here will help you be brave and know how much runway you have to make it happen. Consider primarily, how much does it cost you to live for one month right now?

If you don’t know the answer to that question, making any dramatic change to your life where your income may suddenly be uncertain should be out of the question. In order to give space to what we want to build and the life that we want to create we have to allow that endeavor the freedom to breathe and grow absent the pressure that it also support you and replace your income on Day One. While it may seem obvious, many of the women that I talk to don’t know where their money goes on a daily basis. They don’t have clarity around their miscellaneous expenses that could be easily cut and they are not clear on the amount of pretax money that would be needed to support their after tax lifestyle.

Without this information, it is difficult to imagine that a pivot is possible and we relinquish our power to those lovely golden handcuffs. Once we know our bare minimum expenses and our cushion expenses we can get a sense of how much money we need to save to protect this Great Baby Dream that we are growing.

For me, I knew that not only did I have fixed expenses that I needed to save for but I also had a lifestyle that I was not willing to let go of while I was making the pivot. This meant that my savings projection for the pivot needed to include ample amounts of cash for travel and fun money. I wasn’t willing to make the pivot and live like an aesthete – I knew that would kill my spirit and make it more difficult for me to enjoy this time and embrace the journey.

Time to Plan.

Third, develop a detailed plan. This may seem obvious but it’s more subtle than you’d think. The most difficult part about leaving a formal job is that the options suddenly available to you are endless as well as the projects and tasks that you want to accomplish. Suddenly we are drowning in dreams, goals, to-dos, and possibilities. Develop a clear plan addressing the most important items first. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by all of the things that you want to do in this new creative space where you now have an abundance of time. But suddenly those distractions and fleeting desires and experiments can overrun you and make it difficult to make any real progress on the goal. We have to exercise restraint and constrain our focus to ensure that we give the dream the most ample opportunity to succeed. This may mean deciding which areas of your dream to focus on in the short term and planning to attend to the others later on and sticking to it.

When I started my pivot, two of the things I knew I wanted to tackle right out of the gate were to get my podcast up and running and finalize my book draft for a final round of editing. For the first several months after leaving my formal legal practice, I focused exclusively on those items and let everything else go. That’s not to say the moment I quit the job I wasn’t excited to start preparing online courses, start doing mail marketing, hone my video editing skills, hosting webinars, and start pursuing speaking engagements at law firms…I wanted to do all of those things and I wanted to do all of them yesterday! But I had to carefully choose where I would be focusing my time each week and to lean HEAVILY my calendar and daily schedule that reflected my bigger plan. It’s painful to constrain portions of your dream when you finally have the flexibility and ability to bring it out into the light but you must do this or risk sabotaging your dream before you’ve even gotten two steps out the door.

A New Me!

Fourth, embrace a new identity. This is a big one and it’s a painful one. I hear this all the time: I’m not sure who I am if I’m not a lawyer…can I still call myself a lawyer…are people going to judge me?

Who are we if we’re not practicing lawyers? How would we describe ourselves to other people? Can we still call ourselves lawyers? All of these questions are important to tackle because they will impact your ability to promote your new endeavor, to speak confidently about it, and believe in its efficacy.

If we don’t have a clear sense of our new identity and who we are in this space we will always be looking backwards to the identity that we left behind and wondering if that version of ourselves is the truer one. Perhaps this should be our first step in making the pivot but wherever you tackle it make sure that you give it the time and attention it deserves. Part of our job in building a new business is getting out there and meeting people, telling them who you are, what you do, and what problem you can solve for them. If we’re having those conversations and still believing that we should be attorneys and that that identity is more important than the identity that we are building, we have failed before we’ve even begun. We must find a place for our new identity and our new path to merge and coexist with our identity as attorneys. And that might just mean no longer sharing with people, I’m an attorney, but letting that be something that potentially comes out later, if at all, and being OK with that.

Protect Your Identity

Last and this is one that I get a lot of challenge on but I maintain its importance: be thoughtful who you share your dream with. Not everyone in your orbit is responsible enough to be trusted with your dream in its infancy. It’s not about hiding your new identity and it’s not about being shameful for the path that you’ve chosen, it’s about putting yourself in the best position to believe that it’s possible. The people in your life that have known you all of this time will always think of you as that attorney. They have their preconceived notions about who you are and what you’re capable of based upon your prior path. It’s possible that this new identity and this new adventure will contradict everything they thought they knew about you and cause some dissonance for them that will ultimately come out of their mouth at you. That is not going to be helpful for you in this journey and embracing your new identity.

In time you can share this endeavor with everyone in your orbit but at its infancy, be thoughtful and careful who you let in on your dream in order to protect yourself and your dream as it grows. Once you have gotten comfortable with the new identity and it starts to feel like the real you, then you can wear in out into the public in front of everyone who might challenge it and it won’t matter as much because you will have fostered your own belief in its rightness. Their criticism will then only strengthen you instead of making you second guess yourself.

If you are looking to make a pivot in your career, I would love to meet you and hear about your plans. I know first hand how challenging and lonely it can be and I am so thankful for every opportunity that I have to lend support to other brave women making their own way!

I don’t want to do this……I shouldn’t have to do this….this is stupid…..this is a waste of my time…

When our brain goes on this tirade it’s incredibly difficult not to jump on this whiny bandwagon, throw our hands in the air, stamp our feet on the ground and throw some middle fingers whatever grown-up obligation affronts us.

Not only is this resistance an incredible waste of our energy it ignores the essential nature of life.

All things are yin and yang and there are always going to be things that we simply don’t want to do. It is during those moments when we can rise up as fully grown humans and accept that even when there are things we don’t want to do, we must simply accept that part of life and proceed anyway.

Whether we have set a lofty goal that requires us to show up, get out of bed early, or do things that we wouldn’t otherwise normally do, or when we find ourselves realizing that there are parts of our jobs that we simply detest (hello, fake deadlines, anyone?), they are all experiences confronting us with a very basic fact of life: there are always going to be things, parts of our jobs, people, activities, etc. that we simply don’t like or that we simply don’t want to do.

I, personally, would like to exercise my veto authority over recurring meetings that do not involve a matter of life or death.

The more we give attention to our objections, the larger and louder they grow and with that, the tension within us increases and our resistance grows stronger. All of those components combine to make it more and more difficult to simply follow through and show up for the adult parts of our lives. Never mind the mental and emotional toll this takes on our bodies and spirits.

In those moments I find it helpful to simply acknowledge the resistance and take ownership of the fact that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do.

Rather than railing against ourselves and judging ourselves for not wanting to do it or making excuses to avoid doing it, what if we simply owned the fact that we don’t want to do it, that we don’t like doing it, and that we are struggling to follow through? In conjunction with that exploration what if we could simply ask ourselves to just do it despite the fact that we don’t want to?

In either case we are creating a habit — a habit of making excuses, guilting ourselves to action, showing up negatively, or giving up entirely OR a habit of following through despite our own resistance.

When we acknowledge that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but that we are willing to do them for reasons that matter to us, it calms the waters of resistance. When we acknowledge that there are things that we simply don’t want to do and that it’s okay to not want to do them, we can allow judgment to pass us by and we can stay present with our own reality.

There are always going to be things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but we can make peace by acknowledging why it’s important for us to do them anyway and taking stock of our willingness to do things even when we don’t want to because it aligns with our higher purpose and intentions.

There is no need to judge ourselves for experiencing the normal yin and yang of life.

Rather, we can honor this human experience including all its goods and bads and recognize what we like and what we don’t like. In doing so, we can resolve to take ownership of what we are willing to do in furtherance of our larger goals and in alignment with our true intentions even when we don’t want to do those things. That is complete power and ownership over our lives and allows us to slip out of the victim mentality that often comes when we stew in those I don’t want to lines of thinking.

Set a goal and when it comes down to executing and your brain cries, I don’t want to….recognize that is not a sign that you need to stop. That is simply your biological discomfort with doing hard things. Then, do it anyway because it is in furtherance of who you want to be, accepting that we rarely want to do the hard work. The question is whether you are willing to.

Not wanting to do something is irrelevant, the question is whether you are willing to do what is needed in furtherance of your goals. That is what distinguishes your dreams from your reality.

Photo by Stephen Andrews

Timelines to get married, timelines to have kids, timelines to make partner, timelines to build that book of business, timelines to remain marketable and find another job…..

These never ending timelines not only often conflict with one another but can make it nearly impossible to truly enjoy this journey through time. Recently, I have been inundated with clients overwhelmed with the idea that they are “running out of time” for one thing or another. While I fully understand the importance of setting goals and having something to work for, what does it mean when we say that we are running out of time? Does that fear drive us to soar even higher or are the results more nefarious?

As a coach, I’m a firm believer in setting goals and having something to work toward but unfortunately the side effect of having too many trophies on the horizon is that, if left unchecked, it can diminish our current experience. When we are constantly casting our gaze off into the horizon, we overlook everything around us. Suddenly everything we are currently experiencing and the life that is currently happening to us and around us pales in comparison to that ultimate goal and whatever it is we are trying to achieve before we run out of time. We are driven by some notion that once we accomplish everything on our list, life will finally make sense and our existence will matter.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Schedule a free consult and let go of this notion of “running out of time” for good.

While we think that this push to action and achievement is benefiting us what effect does it have on the remainder of our lives? If that goal itself comprises something in the distance, a mere fraction of our lifetime, that means that the remaining 99% of our lives are spent with that singular focus — the majority of our lives are spent disconnected from our current, lesser, existence and focusing on something we believe is bigger and brighter in the future.

Whenever I allow myself to think I’m running out of time, I feel this tightness in my chest and anxiety rising within my body. As if something bad is going to happen if I don’t get to work and start executing on some lofty goal. It’s this idea that I’m wasting my life that I should be doing more. That absent some future accomplishment my current existence is unworthy and my life will be a waste. From that space, I act franticly and quickly, trying to cram it all in. Nothing good comes from operating in that space other than a total meltdown burnout, in which case,

I REALLY do lose all that time I was worrying about, creating the exact result I was trying to avoid!

We talk a lot in coaching about being worthy and how that worthiness fits into context with our goals. Ultimately, the goal is never the point of the exercise but rather who we become in pursuit of those goals is the point. That ultimate goal, that accomplishment or achievement is never going to suddenly swoop in and make us experience all the worthiness that we’ve been chasing.

Rather, as many of us experience, once we achieve that goal those feelings of unworthiness and needing something more simply continue. That is the pattern that we practice when we let the ultimate goal have more value than it should — when we value the goal more than the journey. In that space, we are in essence doing exactly what we were trying to avoid: we are running out of time to enjoy the journey of life, we are running out of time to look around and witness our own evolution; sacrificing 99% of life in exchange for those blips of accomplishment.

Whatever we are striving for and worrying that we’re running out of time to accomplish, that thing will never bring us the happiness, peace, and feelings of worthiness that we think it will. Instead we must cultivate feelings of gratitude, worthiness, and success now so that when we achieve that one thing we are already skilled at appreciating it and understanding our worthiness already. From that space, the accomplishment loses its power and we are able to live in our value every step of the way and be thankful for all the gifts that we have in every moment.

If you don’t cultivate your belief in your worthiness along every step of your journey, no accomplishment will suddenly change that.

Whenever you find yourself thinking and worrying “I’m running out of time,” see it as a red flag that you are chasing some type of emotion or some external thing to make you feel a certain way. It is a sign that you are not truly living your life in the moment but rather casting your life forward to some unseen hands of fate. (Besides no one ever achieves their goals from a space of unworthiness, fear, and lack.) Whatever goal you’re seeking, pursue it for the sake of the pursuit. Pursue it so that you can practice believing in your own value every step of the way, in the face of every challenge. THAT is the only way to truly succeed. Achieving from any other place will only leave you feeling empty.

After so many years of working to become an attorney many of my clients find themselves in a position where they suddenly realize that being a lawyer is not everything that they thought it would be. They find themselves bristling against everything that their practice is asking of them. They don’t like the hours, they don’t like the demands, they’re not particularly interested in the work, and they can’t help but wonder:

Is there something wrong with me or is there something wrong with the job?

Today I want to explore a simple exploration you can undertake to get to the bottom of this critical and terrifying question.

(If this is a struggle you are going through, I strongly encourage you to sign up for a free coaching session. I would love to help you get clarity around your career and settle those feelings of discomfort.)

Early in my career, it was made abundantly clear to me that, with respect to my lawyering path, I only had one of two choices to make. I could provide advice and counsel or I could be a project attorney like a litigator or a deal lawyer.

Advice and counsel lawyers deal with the ongoing business side of their clients. This work involves day-to-day advice and support regarding contracts, business initiatives and general business operations. In contrast, “project” lawyers are those who ride the waves of cases and deals. Those attorneys may be staffed on a handful of deals or cases at any particular time but largely their work centers around one significant event in the life of their client’s business. At the close of that event, the parties typically go their merry ways or start another, similar transaction.

I knew well enough in law school that I did not want to be a litigator however I did not have a sense of what it meant to be a deal attorney or to provide advice and counsel. When I first started my practice I worked in a larger corporate finance group that housed not only employee benefits, ERISA, intellectual property work but also mergers and acquisitions. Given that my early years of practicing occurred during the recession of 2009 I was lucky enough to be cast as the one and only associate for the entire corporate finance group. As a result, I was exposed to both transactional and deal work. While I certainly enjoyed the thrill and excitement of a deal: the last minute fire drills and being able to come together as a team to succeed towards an overarching goal, I quickly came to realize that the lifestyle and demands of deal work was simply not for me.

In contrast, the advice and counsel work allowed me to develop more of an ongoing relationship and understanding of my clients and manage my workload in a manner that allowed me to have something closer to that ever elusive 9 to 5 job. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t like the deal work but rather I didn’t like the lifestyle of the deal work. The challenges were enjoyable on both fronts but I simply realized that the life I was wanting was not consistent with deal work. Fast forward years later, I had a conversation with the corporate finance practice group chair and was able to focus my work into one of the many subsets of corporate finance instead of bouncing around amongst all the groups. I was finally able to enjoy the advice/counsel side of things and get away from the deal work.

Through that experience I realized that I would be happy doing any kind of work that challenged me intellectually but what really filled my happiness bucket was stimulating work that also allowed me to have some predictability and stability in my life.

As a coach, I work with attorneys of all different kinds of backgrounds and I have many clients who are deal attorneys and litigators who thrive on the life cycles of their deals and cases. They enjoy the excitement they enjoy the thrill on the rush that comes with working towards an overarching goal and they appreciate the ebbs and flows of that work. In contrast I also work with a variety of more transactional attorneys who thoroughly enjoy having a day that’s a little bit more predictable and being able to develop that long term relationship with their clients. Both types of work have their place in the legal industry and within law firms. Our challenge is discerning which type of work is more in alignment with who we are and what we want our lives to be. I firmly believe that as attorneys we enjoy intellectual stimulations stimulation and intellectual challenge. With that in mind, I also believe that we could practice in nearly any area of law and find happiness.

The question is what type of lifestyle do we want to have that accompanies that intellectual stimulation? That is where the ultimate decision between advice/counsel work and deal/case work comes into play.

If you find yourself lashing out against the realities of your particular practice area I encourage you to ask simply: am I just coming to realize which type of work I want to do?

It is not uncommon for attorneys that I work with to come to me completely certain that there is something wrong with them and that they’re simply not cut out for practicing law. When I push them on this conclusion what I often find is they’re struggling with the realities and the demands of the particular type of work that they find themselves in. For those clients, I encourage them to consider whether their experience is simply a realization of the type of work that they want to do rather than a condemnation of their skill sets and abilities.

Is it possible that nothing has gone wrong? Is it possible that you have simply learned through experience the type of work that you don’t want to do?

I have never met a client who is simply not cut out for practicing law. We must not forget how much work we put in to get here and how many opportunities we had to wash out and to be told that we are in the wrong place.

Now here we are doing the thing we’ve been working so hard for and finally we are the ones telling ourselves that we are not cut out for this. Why would we choose to do that? There is so much evidence to the contrary!

What if instead of making this about ourselves (as we humans are often prone to do) we instead saw our unhappiness as good information to inform our next career decision. We can use our experience to teach us more about the types of work we actually want to do. Then we can set out to find it.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich

There are all these rules about how we are supposed to live and how things are supposed to work out and many of us wholeheartedly believe these rules and it is stagnating us.

I recently had a client who was struggling to figure out her next move and she was struggling to make a decision. She was examining certain career opportunities available to her and she was convinced that they were all mutually exclusive. She believed that she had to pursue her legal career or her passion for social change. She believed that she had to be an educator or an attorney. She felt that she was at a crossroads and the only way to move forward was to make a dramatic change one way or the other. She was paralyzed by the

tyranny of the or. 

During our session together, we were able to explore the possibility that maybe none of her dreams need to be mutually exclusive: it’s possible to have a legal career and do lobbying work. It’s possible to be an attorney and support nonprofits with their legislative work. It’s possible to be an attorney and an educator.

When we allow our ourselves to buy into either/or propositions, our brain is not able to see the solutions available to us. (Hello, confirmation bias, you old goat!)

When we feel like we are faced with mutually exclusive options, our duty as evolving humans is to challenge these prescribed rules and ask:

Why can’t we do both? What could that look like?

Does one choice really have to eclipse the other?

Is there some way we could make both options work?

How do we know that we can’t do both?

The only way you will ever know the answer to these questions is if you ditch the tyranny of the or and invest in both and thinking.

If you catch yourself feeling stuck and unsure what to do next ask yourself whether you are subscribing mutually exclusive thinking. Instead consider ways that you can make all options work for you in this moment.

I encounter all sorts of professionals whose lives are multifaceted and well-rounded. Women who are invested in both and thinking and committed to living a well-rounded life that incorporates everything they want. They don’t allow their lives to be a series of black and white options: they subscribe to both and  thinking.

If this is appealing to you, I would love to visit with you and see how we can get you closer to a balanced, both and kind of life. Grab a free consult and let’s get to work.

This doesn’t necessitate any large life changes but can be applied at the simplest and most basic levels. I can’t work out and get my work done. I can’t get enough sleep and finish these projects. I can’t have a social life and have a career.

The next time you catch yourself in one of these simplistic lines of thinking, ask yourself whether this is a middle ground. For instance, if you are stuck thinking I can’t work out and get my work done, what if you only tried to work out for 30 minutes instead of an hour? What if you identified projects that don’t need an A+ finish and used that extra time to workout?

When we allow ourselves to ditch the tyranny of the or, we are often amazed at the solutions that manifest just to being open to new possibilities.

Photo by DS stories

I felt very fortunate that throughout the entire pandemic my gym remained open. For many weeks, they only admitted 10 individuals and I happily sat on the curb outside waiting for my opportunity to get in and enjoy the limited 30 minute workout in the nearly empty gym. Over time, they adjusted to a limited capacity and eventually full capacity. About a year ago, I started working one-on-one with a personal trainer at my gym. Over several months, we started to set clearer and more challenging goals and increase the time we spent working together. With his help, I was able to check off my first round of goals: 225# squats and unassisted pullups. Having achieved that goal, we moved on to bigger and more challenging goals and started meeting three times each week for one hour with assignments to workout independently two additional days. Admittedly, the sessions are grueling and my body has been sore in new, unexpected ways and I’m starting to appreciate the “pains” of getting older (but that’s another story for another time).

When the virus finally reached our home, it was the first time during the pandemic that I legitimately quarantined and never left the house. This meant no personal training whatsoever. I found myself thoroughly enjoying my wide open calendar given that personal training was occupying more than 5 hours each week. Now that training was no longer an option, I was blissfully enjoying the added time in my calendar. I was able to stay up late without worrying about the next early morning workout, I was no longer concerned with my protein and carb intake, and my body was no longer sore everyday. It was heavenly and my primitive brain was loving it.

Eventually, our quarantine ended and it was time for me to get back to work. I found myself resisting reaching out to my trainer to get our session scheduled again. I didn’t want to do it. I enjoyed the free time that I had. I enjoyed not being sore. I enjoyed having wide open mornings where I could do my yoga and meditation unrushed. I just didn’t want to do it anymore! I knew that we had goals and things that I wanted to achieve but I was really enjoying this nice cozy space I was finding myself in and I just didn’t want to change that. I told myself I just didn’t care anymore.

My primitive brain had taken over–it wanted to bask in the pleasure and avoid the pain that came with pushing toward my goals. That’s when I realized, it wasn’t about wanting to go to the gym or not. The question was whether or not I was still committed to my goal.

Did I still want it?

If the answer to that question was yes, then reconnecting with my trainer was the next right step and what I wanted to do was irrelevant. If I was truly committed to the goal, it meant being willing to do things I didn’t want to do. It meant going to the gym even when I didn’t want to because I had committed the goal.

Want had no place in the conversation. It was simply–are you committed or not? And what’s the first test of commitment?

Being willing to do things you don’t want to because they are in furtherance of your goal.

In the end, that is truly what distinguishes those of us that achieve our goals from those that don’t. It’s not about having more time than anyone else, it’s not about having a drive that others don’t have. It’s simply about your willingness to show up even when you don’t want to.

It’s about your commitment to the goal and how you react when your desire to stay in place challenges that commitment.

The reason people don’t achieve their dreams and fulfill all of their goals is simply a matter of commitment. How committed are you to the goal? Committed enough to do it because you said you would even when you don’t want to?

If this resonates with you and you are struggling to take action on your goals, you are not alone. All of us struggle sometimes to take the actions that we know are necessary. Schedule a free consult with me and let’s get you back on track to create the life of your dreams.

I reached out to my trainer and got our sessions back on the calendar. It felt good to show up for myself even when I know that I didn’t want to and even though I was dreading it. It felt good to follow through and to challenge that part of my brain that wanted to stay safe and cozy. I gave my primitive brain the finger and I will continue to move toward my goals and honor the commitment I made to myself.

Today when you find yourself saying I just don’t want to….I just don’t feel like it consider what it would be like to say So freaking what? That doesn’t matter. I’m going to do it anyway.

Photo by Markus Winkler

They want more time or more balance, they want a new career, they want a different relationship with others, etc. but they JUST. DON’T. KNOW. HOW. to get there.

It doesn’t take much coaching for us both to realize that they do, in fact, know how to take action toward those goals but they are simply afraid to act.  They have allowed themselves to replace I know what to do but it doesn’t feel good, with I don’t know how. One is true and one is a lie we tell ourselves; one will keep you moving forward and one will keep you stuck.

There is a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing what to do but being afraid to do it.

What is so interesting about the phrase I don’t know is that every time I push a client to explain to me what they would do if they did know, they ALWAYS come up with a laundry list of solutions. In truth, knowing has always been within them. The issue has never been in the not knowing, the issue rest solely with the discomfort of executing on those solutions. That is where evolution resides.

Have a goal that you want to act on but need support developing a plan and committing? That is where the support of a trusted coach can truly be a game changer. Schedule a consultation now and invest in your ability to make it happen.

At that point of awareness, we have two options:

We accept that we are going to let fear ruin all the fun and that we are choosing not to act despite the fear.

OR

We give fear the middle finger and get to work.

What would your life be like if instead of allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” and closing a door, we instead acknowledged “I do know what to do but I’m afraid to act?” Would you still allow yourself to stay stuck?

Recognizing when we are afraid to act is the first step to creating the life of your dreams. Allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” is a choice to remain where you are. It is a choice not to pursue whatever it is you’re wanting in your life. Once we can get past “I don’t know,” and realize that we do, in fact, know what to do next, that is where we make a true choice. That is where we must confront the fear associated with acting and decide whether we are willing to act despite the fear or if we would simply prefer to stay put. There is no right or wrong answer but the beauty in this process is that regardless of what you choose to do, it will be your conscious choice.

You will choose to execute on the first step that you know is available to you or you will choose not to.

And to be clear, it’s not about knowing every step of the process. It’s about knowing the next right step and trusting that once you get there, you will then determine the next next right step. And on and on you will trudge ahead, the path becoming clearer as you go.

In contrast, when we live in “I don’t know,” it relegates our life to some unknown fate; it reeks of victimhood. It relinquishes control for action because it suggests that we simply haven’t been gifted with the knowledge we need to create the life of our dreams. In that space, our life and our dreams are outside of our control and there’s nothing that we can do about it because we have not been gifted with knowing.

It is a fallacy we tell ourselves because it sounds so much prettier than, “I know what to do but I’m afraid to do it.” Being afraid to act is not a bad thing. There is honesty in that. There is no truth when we live in “I don’t know.” Most of us are unwilling to live in a space of “I’m not willing to act because I’m afraid.” Therefore, when we relinquish “I don’t know,” it is often the first step to action because refusal to forge ahead in the face of fear is not something that many of us are willing to accept for our lives.

Today, when you find yourself saying “I don’t know,” as it relates to something you want for your life or in your future, I urge you to challenge yourself to explore what you would do if you did know or how you could find out the next right step. With that information you have a choice to make: whether to act upon that knowing or not. Regardless of which path you take, there is beauty in being honest with yourself. Do you want it enough to act despite the fear or don’t you? Because simply wanting it, without more, is never enough.