I don’t want to do this……I shouldn’t have to do this….this is stupid…..this is a waste of my time…

When our brain goes on this tirade it’s incredibly difficult not to jump on this whiny bandwagon, throw our hands in the air, stamp our feet on the ground and throw some middle fingers whatever grown-up obligation affronts us.

Not only is this resistance an incredible waste of our energy it ignores the essential nature of life.

All things are yin and yang and there are always going to be things that we simply don’t want to do. It is during those moments when we can rise up as fully grown humans and accept that even when there are things we don’t want to do, we must simply accept that part of life and proceed anyway.

Whether we have set a lofty goal that requires us to show up, get out of bed early, or do things that we wouldn’t otherwise normally do, or when we find ourselves realizing that there are parts of our jobs that we simply detest (hello, fake deadlines, anyone?), they are all experiences confronting us with a very basic fact of life: there are always going to be things, parts of our jobs, people, activities, etc. that we simply don’t like or that we simply don’t want to do.

I, personally, would like to exercise my veto authority over recurring meetings that do not involve a matter of life or death.

The more we give attention to our objections, the larger and louder they grow and with that, the tension within us increases and our resistance grows stronger. All of those components combine to make it more and more difficult to simply follow through and show up for the adult parts of our lives. Never mind the mental and emotional toll this takes on our bodies and spirits.

In those moments I find it helpful to simply acknowledge the resistance and take ownership of the fact that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do.

Rather than railing against ourselves and judging ourselves for not wanting to do it or making excuses to avoid doing it, what if we simply owned the fact that we don’t want to do it, that we don’t like doing it, and that we are struggling to follow through? In conjunction with that exploration what if we could simply ask ourselves to just do it despite the fact that we don’t want to?

In either case we are creating a habit — a habit of making excuses, guilting ourselves to action, showing up negatively, or giving up entirely OR a habit of following through despite our own resistance.

When we acknowledge that there are things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but that we are willing to do them for reasons that matter to us, it calms the waters of resistance. When we acknowledge that there are things that we simply don’t want to do and that it’s okay to not want to do them, we can allow judgment to pass us by and we can stay present with our own reality.

There are always going to be things in our lives that we simply don’t want to do but we can make peace by acknowledging why it’s important for us to do them anyway and taking stock of our willingness to do things even when we don’t want to because it aligns with our higher purpose and intentions.

There is no need to judge ourselves for experiencing the normal yin and yang of life.

Rather, we can honor this human experience including all its goods and bads and recognize what we like and what we don’t like. In doing so, we can resolve to take ownership of what we are willing to do in furtherance of our larger goals and in alignment with our true intentions even when we don’t want to do those things. That is complete power and ownership over our lives and allows us to slip out of the victim mentality that often comes when we stew in those I don’t want to lines of thinking.

Set a goal and when it comes down to executing and your brain cries, I don’t want to….recognize that is not a sign that you need to stop. That is simply your biological discomfort with doing hard things. Then, do it anyway because it is in furtherance of who you want to be, accepting that we rarely want to do the hard work. The question is whether you are willing to.

Not wanting to do something is irrelevant, the question is whether you are willing to do what is needed in furtherance of your goals. That is what distinguishes your dreams from your reality.

Photo by Stephen Andrews

Timelines to get married, timelines to have kids, timelines to make partner, timelines to build that book of business, timelines to remain marketable and find another job…..

These never ending timelines not only often conflict with one another but can make it nearly impossible to truly enjoy this journey through time. Recently, I have been inundated with clients overwhelmed with the idea that they are “running out of time” for one thing or another. While I fully understand the importance of setting goals and having something to work for, what does it mean when we say that we are running out of time? Does that fear drive us to soar even higher or are the results more nefarious?

As a coach, I’m a firm believer in setting goals and having something to work toward but unfortunately the side effect of having too many trophies on the horizon is that, if left unchecked, it can diminish our current experience. When we are constantly casting our gaze off into the horizon, we overlook everything around us. Suddenly everything we are currently experiencing and the life that is currently happening to us and around us pales in comparison to that ultimate goal and whatever it is we are trying to achieve before we run out of time. We are driven by some notion that once we accomplish everything on our list, life will finally make sense and our existence will matter.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Schedule a free consult and let go of this notion of “running out of time” for good.

While we think that this push to action and achievement is benefiting us what effect does it have on the remainder of our lives? If that goal itself comprises something in the distance, a mere fraction of our lifetime, that means that the remaining 99% of our lives are spent with that singular focus — the majority of our lives are spent disconnected from our current, lesser, existence and focusing on something we believe is bigger and brighter in the future.

Whenever I allow myself to think I’m running out of time, I feel this tightness in my chest and anxiety rising within my body. As if something bad is going to happen if I don’t get to work and start executing on some lofty goal. It’s this idea that I’m wasting my life that I should be doing more. That absent some future accomplishment my current existence is unworthy and my life will be a waste. From that space, I act franticly and quickly, trying to cram it all in. Nothing good comes from operating in that space other than a total meltdown burnout, in which case,

I REALLY do lose all that time I was worrying about, creating the exact result I was trying to avoid!

We talk a lot in coaching about being worthy and how that worthiness fits into context with our goals. Ultimately, the goal is never the point of the exercise but rather who we become in pursuit of those goals is the point. That ultimate goal, that accomplishment or achievement is never going to suddenly swoop in and make us experience all the worthiness that we’ve been chasing.

Rather, as many of us experience, once we achieve that goal those feelings of unworthiness and needing something more simply continue. That is the pattern that we practice when we let the ultimate goal have more value than it should — when we value the goal more than the journey. In that space, we are in essence doing exactly what we were trying to avoid: we are running out of time to enjoy the journey of life, we are running out of time to look around and witness our own evolution; sacrificing 99% of life in exchange for those blips of accomplishment.

Whatever we are striving for and worrying that we’re running out of time to accomplish, that thing will never bring us the happiness, peace, and feelings of worthiness that we think it will. Instead we must cultivate feelings of gratitude, worthiness, and success now so that when we achieve that one thing we are already skilled at appreciating it and understanding our worthiness already. From that space, the accomplishment loses its power and we are able to live in our value every step of the way and be thankful for all the gifts that we have in every moment.

If you don’t cultivate your belief in your worthiness along every step of your journey, no accomplishment will suddenly change that.

Whenever you find yourself thinking and worrying “I’m running out of time,” see it as a red flag that you are chasing some type of emotion or some external thing to make you feel a certain way. It is a sign that you are not truly living your life in the moment but rather casting your life forward to some unseen hands of fate. (Besides no one ever achieves their goals from a space of unworthiness, fear, and lack.) Whatever goal you’re seeking, pursue it for the sake of the pursuit. Pursue it so that you can practice believing in your own value every step of the way, in the face of every challenge. THAT is the only way to truly succeed. Achieving from any other place will only leave you feeling empty.

Yesterday, I woke up to a series of surprises waiting for me inside my lawyer inbox. Several hours worth of “important” meetings and phone calls had been abruptly canceled or rescheduled. Suddenly my schedule was blissfully wide open for the majority of the day. My heart soared with excitement! What was I going to do with all of this free time on a Friday?!!!!

My mind raced with possibilities!

I could take the day off!

Lounge around and catch up on all of those Netflix series I have been dreaming about!

I could relax and read a book!

Wahoo, the world was my oyster!!

Then I took a peek at my calendar to see all the items that still remained on my schedule that day. First thing in the morning I had scheduled time for yoga and meditation, followed by the gym, and a quick walk with the pups. But on that particular morning, I was already feeling the pull of a lounge-y and lazy day, dripping in margaritas and Netflix. I didn’t want to do the things I had planned for myself. I wanted to erase my schedule and live a day of luxurious freedom and laziness! At that point I started to feel the tension between what I desperately wanted to do and all the adult-y things I had already planned on doing. It was in that moment I realized the difference between wanting something and committing to it.

I have always wanted to have a regular yoga and meditation routine and I want to go to the gym five times every week. In furtherance of these goals, they are always on my calendar and, at that moment, they were staring back at me.

I didn’t want to go to the gym and I most certainly did not want to contemplate my life in deep meditation. I wanted to Netflix and chill and bliss out like a real grownup!

Not every day are we going to want to execute on the goals we have set for ourselves. But that’s the difference that distinguishes our ability to achieve our goals from everyone else that never does.

It’s not about wanting it, the question is whether or not you’re committed to it enough to push through and do it even when you don’t want to.

There will always be days when you don’t want to do the things on your list. In those moments we have to honor our goals by showing up in commitment to them. Only when that commitment drives us can we truly succeed. Only when we allow commitment to propel us forward will we be able to show up consistently and follow through on our goals.

There is no room for “wanting” to do it; it’s only a question of whether you will or won’t.

If you have a goal or a dream you want to make a reality, don’t hesitate to schedule some time with me to explore how we can work together to make it your reality. There is no time like the present.

So yesterday, even though I wanted to ignore my best laid plans, I sat down and started following through on my calendar and the plans I had set for myself. As I started to move through each item, I felt a calmness wash over me and a small sense of pride as I realized I was showing up for myself. I was showing up for my dreams and showing up to be the person that I truly wanted to be. I took that free time I had been gifted, gave my primitive brain the middle finger, and instead did something more in alignment with the person I want to be–I went for a hike with my dogs.

So often we think that when we get to a certain point in our life we will finally be able to do all the things we’ve been wanting. I recently caught myself thinking the same thing.

Once we retire I’ll have time to luxuriate and read all day. Once we move to Colorado I’ll be able to hike with my dogs regularly.

But the reality of it is on days like yesterday when my schedule magically opened up, it was an opportunity for me to execute on those dreams now: to fully commit to those dreams. Those dreams are not things that have to wait for me in the future once certain circumstances in my life change. There are plenty of amazing hikes and trails near my home. Days like yesterday are an opportunity for me to stop dreaming and start being committed to making those dreams happen today. Rather than demolishing my schedule, yesterday I chose to follow through all my plans and utilize that free time to turn some of those hopes and wishes into actuality. Yesterday, life gifted me with the time to not only show up for myself but explore some of those “future” hopes and dreams and make them my present reality.

The next time you find yourself with extra space in your calendar, explore how you can use that time to further your goals and connect with your dream life.

Take 30 minutes to start writing that book, spend those 15 minutes in the DMV line digging into one of those books you’ve been dreaming about, take 30 minutes to do a yoga class, walk the dogs, go for a hike, take a long bath, WHATEVER. The point is that we must not wait for some future time to start creating the life of our dreams. Your life is happening now; we just have to commit to making it the life that we truly want and ignore the Netflix easy button.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto

They want more time or more balance, they want a new career, they want a different relationship with others, etc. but they JUST. DON’T. KNOW. HOW. to get there.

It doesn’t take much coaching for us both to realize that they do, in fact, know how to take action toward those goals but they are simply afraid to act.  They have allowed themselves to replace I know what to do but it doesn’t feel good, with I don’t know how. One is true and one is a lie we tell ourselves; one will keep you moving forward and one will keep you stuck.

There is a difference between not knowing what to do and knowing what to do but being afraid to do it.

What is so interesting about the phrase I don’t know is that every time I push a client to explain to me what they would do if they did know, they ALWAYS come up with a laundry list of solutions. In truth, knowing has always been within them. The issue has never been in the not knowing, the issue rest solely with the discomfort of executing on those solutions. That is where evolution resides.

Have a goal that you want to act on but need support developing a plan and committing? That is where the support of a trusted coach can truly be a game changer. Schedule a consultation now and invest in your ability to make it happen.

At that point of awareness, we have two options:

We accept that we are going to let fear ruin all the fun and that we are choosing not to act despite the fear.

OR

We give fear the middle finger and get to work.

What would your life be like if instead of allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” and closing a door, we instead acknowledged “I do know what to do but I’m afraid to act?” Would you still allow yourself to stay stuck?

Recognizing when we are afraid to act is the first step to creating the life of your dreams. Allowing yourself to say “I don’t know,” is a choice to remain where you are. It is a choice not to pursue whatever it is you’re wanting in your life. Once we can get past “I don’t know,” and realize that we do, in fact, know what to do next, that is where we make a true choice. That is where we must confront the fear associated with acting and decide whether we are willing to act despite the fear or if we would simply prefer to stay put. There is no right or wrong answer but the beauty in this process is that regardless of what you choose to do, it will be your conscious choice.

You will choose to execute on the first step that you know is available to you or you will choose not to.

And to be clear, it’s not about knowing every step of the process. It’s about knowing the next right step and trusting that once you get there, you will then determine the next next right step. And on and on you will trudge ahead, the path becoming clearer as you go.

In contrast, when we live in “I don’t know,” it relegates our life to some unknown fate; it reeks of victimhood. It relinquishes control for action because it suggests that we simply haven’t been gifted with the knowledge we need to create the life of our dreams. In that space, our life and our dreams are outside of our control and there’s nothing that we can do about it because we have not been gifted with knowing.

It is a fallacy we tell ourselves because it sounds so much prettier than, “I know what to do but I’m afraid to do it.” Being afraid to act is not a bad thing. There is honesty in that. There is no truth when we live in “I don’t know.” Most of us are unwilling to live in a space of “I’m not willing to act because I’m afraid.” Therefore, when we relinquish “I don’t know,” it is often the first step to action because refusal to forge ahead in the face of fear is not something that many of us are willing to accept for our lives.

Today, when you find yourself saying “I don’t know,” as it relates to something you want for your life or in your future, I urge you to challenge yourself to explore what you would do if you did know or how you could find out the next right step. With that information you have a choice to make: whether to act upon that knowing or not. Regardless of which path you take, there is beauty in being honest with yourself. Do you want it enough to act despite the fear or don’t you? Because simply wanting it, without more, is never enough.

It’s surprising how often I hear this during my sessions with attorneys. Logically, they know that long-term big law life is not for them. They know that they don’t want to be a slave to billable hours forever and they do not see anyone above them who has a lifestyle they want to emulate. They have all sorts of concrete, realistic reasons why they don’t want to stay where they are. But it is rare that I encounter a client who is “ready” to leave.

Why do they stay? The answers usually some of the following:

I don’t know enough yet

There is so much more I need to learn

People will judge me

What if it’s worse somewhere else?

Within that head space are the fears that if they leave, no one will hire them because they don’t “know enough” or that they won’t be able to get a job because they left “too early” in their career as well as the fear that everyone at the firm will judge them as someone who couldn’t hack it or wasn’t a good fit anyway. Lastly, the most important fear of them all–what if it’s a mistake to leave and it’s just worse elsewhere?!

So they stay. They stay and they hate it.

They stay and they are bitter and conflicted about it. They stay and they hate the fact that they don’t know where they want to be in five years.

When you make the decision to head to law school the long pursuit lays itself out before you. So many steps become very clear. You take the LSAT, research law schools, prepare applications, go through the motions of law school, apply to write for journals, do on campus interviewing, get a good summer associate position, and on and on it goes. Then you land the job and 2 years into it, you come up for air and wonder what you are supposed to do next.

It is jarring! Understandably, so! You have just spent close to a decade learning and taking all the right steps and now those steps are exhausted and you haven’t given any thought to the next series of steps.

At this point, the majority of my clients have concluded that they don’t want to make partner but that is the extent of it. Should they go in-house, go to a smaller firm, start their own firm, leave law for good? The possibilities of what can be done with a law degree are endless.

The possibilities of what can be done with your life are also endless.

There is no right or wrong answer.

One of the biggest mistakes I see my clients making is that they wait for clarity to come to them. They continue to go through the motions hoping that some day the path will become clear. Maybe they will get a call from a headhunter with the perfect opportunity for them. Maybe they will get fired! Maybe they will wake up one day and LOVE their job. So they wait. They make good money, they don’t hate everything about their job, so they just stick it out. That type of passivity is why so many people stay in jobs they hate forever.

It’s easier to just wait for something to “feel right” than it is to take control and start making things happen.

The only way to truly get clarity about what you want in life is to start taking ownership for your path and experimenting with what you want. We can’t wait for the opportunities to come to us. We can’t wait for the firm or some partner to dictate our future. We have to take our power back.

First, we have to get clear about what we want for ourselves. What are your goals at your firm? What are the things that you still want to learn or think that you need to learn? There will always be more things to learn, that is simply the human experience. Stop allowing yourself to believe that there is some attainable point at which you will “know enough” and be ready to move on. It’s an empty, shifting target that is rooted in fear.

You will never know it all and no matter what you do next, there will be things you don’t know. 

So instead of allowing for this unattainable point of omniscience, set clear goals that are important to you. Recognize that we are overachievers and have a tendency to want to do all the things and cut your list of items down to three actionable goals. Don’t let yourself create a “learning” ball and chain that keeps you stuck forever. Pick three things that will force you to grow and provide you will valuable skills and focus your energies there.

If you can’t think of three concrete things you want to learn from your current work experience, you are in the wrong place. (Psst, it’s time for a change.)

Second, start taking action on these goals. What will you have to do to make them a reality? This step will likely require you to have some discussions with your partners or your supervisors about the type of work you like or the things you want to accomplish. This alone will force you to flex some new muscles.

Asking for what you want and being clear about your vision for yourself is a lifelong skill. Start practicing now.

No one knows who you will be or what you will want to do with your life once you attain those goals. That is the point. The point is to challenge yourself to grow and develop. Law firms are businesses and so are you. Use every experience as an opportunity to grow the value and worth of your business. The firm is certainly using you for its purposes, start using it for your own. Decide what you want to get out of the experience and make it happen.

The last part of this process is just recognizing that your primitive brain is going to try its best to keep you safe. We are biologically programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So when we shake up our lives, start asking for what we want, or consider leaving the comfort of our current job, our brains lose it. Our brain goes into protection mode and starts offering all sorts of reasons why we can’t do that–you don’t know enough, you’re not ready, people will judge you, etc. Sound familiar?

Just because your brain offers you those thoughts, it doesn’t mean they are true. It doesn’t mean they are a message from the universe to stay where you are. It is biological pre-dispositioning.

As you evaluate where you want to be in life, KNOW that your brain is going to try and talk you out of it. Know that you are going to have doubts and fears. That is normal! The question is, are you going to allow that mind chatter to keep you stuck or are you going to do the hard thing and evolve? The choice is yours.

Unclear about your next move? Get some free support by signing up for a free coaching session. Sometimes all we need an unbiased perspective to see things more clearly.

Photo by Tonik on Unsplash

Starting a legal career is much like a mad dash toward a finish line. We spend years working and stretching and pushing to get there. But when we finally get there, we don’t stop. We just keep running. We don’t even realize we are doing it. We just keep going without asking: what’s next?

In order to truly own our power, we must, in every aspect of our lives, pause and allow ourselves to set our course — where are we going?

It’s jarring to wake up one day and realize that we don’t know what we want next. We have gotten so good at following the orders provided to us. We received a recipe for becoming an attorney and we executed. We have long forgotten how to sharpen our tools of agency. We have become disconnected from ourselves and our wants! We crossed that finish line and we just kept going without considering where we wanted to run to next.

It has been far too long since we stopped and asked–where to after this?

No one wants to run a race without knowing where they are going. We set a destination, plan a course, and run until we get there. When we go grocery shopping, we have a list based upon what we want to prepare. We don’t hop in our cars and just start driving aimlessly unless we are running away from something — are you running away from something by aimlessly allowing your career and life to run on autopilot without a destination?

Why is it that in the most important aspects of our lives, we fail to set a course? We don’t try to see the bigger picture. We are running without a destination.

There is only one rule:

When asking yourself what you want and where you are going, don’t allow yourself to be confused. There are no right answers in life. There is no secret path you need to discover to find your way to happiness. When we indulge in confusion, we implicitly believe there is a right or wrong answer. That confusion keeps us stuck until we can know with certainty what’s next. It keeps us running blindly–why stop running if we’re confused about where to go next?

The name of the game is growing, evolving and challenging yourself to become the best version of yourself. You are not going to evolve or challenge yourself when you are operating automatically.

Identify your why — why are you in that relationship? Why do you stay in that job? Where does your current experience fit into your overall plan?

Nothing has to be set in stone and you can change your answers any time you want. The point is that we need to give ourselves some direction. Why? Because to do otherwise is to allow other people, events, and circumstances to run your life.

Failure to identify where you want to go next places your life at the feet of those around you — your boss, your spouse, your kids, your partner. When we don’t set our own course, others WILL step in and fill that void for us.

Do you really want them to determine where you are going?

Your free will and ability to make your life anything you want it to be is the greatest gift you have been given; don’t squander it by floating in the breeze. You are better than that. You are in the driver’s seat.

Every day, reconnect with your whys and wants. Get clear on what you want from life so that you can set your sights on your true north. To do it any other way is to surrender all of your power.

When I work with new clients, the first thing we do is set that intention–what do they want? What is their dream? From there, we start taking massive action to making that dream reality. Work with me and start creating your life from a place of intention.

Photo by Amanda Dalbjörn on Unsplash

The markets will never recover

I could lose my job

I will never be able to retire

Thousands of people are going to die

We haven’t seen the worst of it yet

We are swimming in it. (Drowning in it might be a more apt description.) There is something magnetic about the negative news these days. Why is it that so many of us are drawn to it?

As with all things, I consulted, the Google box on this one:

“Negativity bias” also known as the negativity effect, is the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one’s psychological state and processes than neutral or positive things.

When I think about our tendency to focus on the negative while giving lesser weight to equally significant positive data points, I can’t help but think about our motivational triad.

Our brains are designed to keep us alive. Historically, that meant one of three things: seek pleasure, avoid pain, expend the least amount of effort (be efficient!). What does that have to do with COVID and news-binging?

News-binging and catastrophizing fall into the category of avoiding pain (i.e., keeping us safe). Our brain believes that this information is keeping us safe. When we read about the latest coronavirus catastrophe, our brain is stimulated, our nervous system is excited. Our brain reacts more strongly and pays more attention to this stimuli. Why? Because our brains are wired to keep us safe; to avoid danger. Hence, negativity bias.

Ever noticed that when you read bad news you get this frenzied little buzz going on? You feel stimulated, compelled to consume more. Gather more data. Understand the situation better. Learn how to protect yourself better.

Why did that happen?

What would I do differently?

Am I similarly at risk?

We are biologically wired to scan the horizon for signs of crouching tigers. We are programmed to look for danger so that we can avoid it. Stay safe.

Our brains are looking at the news this same way. It is providing data that we need to understand to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe.

Does that mean it’s the best decision for you?

That’s for you to decide.

Is the amount of news you are consuming helping you?

How is it impacting you?

How is it negatively impacting you?

When you find yourself bogged down in negativity bias, I recommend that you acknowledge your biological efforts to keep yourself safe. I also recommend examining the positive inputs you might be overlooking.

Give both the positive and the negative equal air time.

Feel free to examine that worst case scenario swirling around your brain BUT also consider the best possible outcome. Aren’t they both equally possible? We don’t know what is going to happen or what these next few months will bring. What we do know is that our brains tend to focus on the worst possible outcome. Given that, shouldn’t we also give equal attention and energy to the best possible outcome?

If you are able to examine both the best possible outcome as well as the worst possible outcome and accept that reality will likely end somewhere in the middle of that spectrum, you can approach the days and your life with more perspective.

If you can come to terms with both the worst possible outcome and the best possible outcome, you will be able to accept anything in between those two. You will be mentally and emotionally equipped to deal with the most likely outcome, somewhere in the middle.

Help your brain identify the balance of possibilities that it is overlooking. Help yourself find some balance between reality and the full range of possible outcomes. Recognize your natural tendency toward the negative.

For more support finding balance during times of chaos, schedule a free consultation. I am helping my clients find more peace and balance despite the world’s current uncertainties. I am helping my clients move forward despite the fear. Sign up and get your life back on track.

Too often we subscribe to the notion that there is a right way to “do life.”

I had a client named Grace who had a knack for setting and achieving huge goals. She had tremendous success in her life but periodically found herself spinning with indecision and inaction. When I asked her what was going on in her head she said that she was stuck in a “battle of shoulds”… “I should be focusing on my business but at the same time I should be focusing on my relationship and also making time to remodel and sell my house.”

When I pressed her to explain what the problem was, it wasn’t simply a matter of stress or feeling overwhelmed. Instead, her predominant feeling was guilt. She was swimming in shame and guilt and it was paralyzing her.

As we worked through her thoughts, we uncovered a deep-seated and oppressive set of expectations she had placed upon herself. In her manual for herself, she was not supposed to be stressed. She was supposed to be able to handle everything in stride without batting an eyelash. She was not supposed to be overwhelmed despite the convergence of some very monumental events in her life—she was moving and selling a home and creating a new business and starting a new relationship and starting a new job all at the same time. She was “supposed” to be able to compartmentalize her life and schedule everything out in an orderly fashion for maximum efficiencies. She was “supposed to” have enough time to focus on everything. And do it with a smile on her face.

As she was struggling to juggle it all and take it in stride, she was beating herself up for being exhausted and worn out. She was unwilling to recognize that her life was changing significantly and that it would be a challenge to keep it all in play. She was unwilling to cut herself some slack even just for a few weeks while everything else got sorted. She was vehemently resisting the chaos and pushing back against the stress she was feeling. She was so hard on herself and had put such incredible expectations on herself that she was just swimming in guilt and self-deprecation.

She should be doing better…handling this better…getting everything done…shouldn’t be feeling like this etc. She was truly invested in her belief that she should be able to handle it all without any problem at all and without taking anything off her ‘to do’ list. When I asked her why it bothered her so much to allow some things to go to the back burner for a few weeks while she carried out some of these transitions, she said doing so made her feel like a failure. Like she was a quitter. She felt guilty for giving up. She should be able to do it all.

Guilt is the flower that grows from self-judgment. Life is not always going to lend itself to perfect order. Sometimes it’s messy and chaotic. That is life.

By struggling against that reality, you invite yourself to judge yourself. To judge your ability to “handle it.” People get so stuck in the thoughts that It shouldn’t be like this, it should be easier. They blame themselves when things get hard and they struggle. Those self-judgments create ugly emotions that inhibit our ability to work through life’s challenges with grace and dignity. When we indulge in those emotions, we fail to grow from life’s challenges. This is the emotional equivalent of putting our heads in the sand.

Grace wanted to show up strong and compassionate and flexible—willing to ride the rollercoaster and do her best to keep everything moving. To accept that challenge and recognize that it might be stressful and tiring and that was okay. To bend but not break in the middle of the hurricane. To allow things to give where necessary.

That was far from her reality. Instead she was beating herself up for the struggle and challenges she was facing. She felt shameful and depressive because she believed It shouldn’t be this hard, I should be able to handle it. She was not riding the waves of change but instead she was drowning in them because her guilt and shame kept her from making any real progress.

By simply bringing awareness to the “manual” she was maintaining for herself, Grace was able to cultivate thoughts of compassion and love for herself. She approached herself gently and accepted that these next few weeks could not be reduced to a simple schedule. She opened herself up to the unknown and approached her life from a place of peace and love, accepting the challenges as they came.

Embrace uncertainty but do not take guilt and self-judgment along for the journey. Allow yourself to let go and loosen up and ride the waves. Life was never meant to be calm waters all the time.

This year, make a resolution to be kinder to yourself. To love yourself and have compassion for yourself, including your weaknesses. Choose to make an investment in you.

Cheers to a new year!

I recently had a client who is just getting started building her dream business. She has all the tools she needs for success, she is developing a following and she knows exactly how she wants the business to grow and progress. The problem? She still has a successful, prestigious full-time job that pays the bills. She is straddling both worlds and desperately trying to keep her “side gig” a secret. She is constantly worried that her current employer will discover her secret and she will get into trouble or get fired. So she keeps playing small. Keeping her side business under wraps and limiting its growth. She is not taking the actions she knows she would need to take to move things to the next level. She is consciously sabotaging herself.

When I work with clients in the space, I take a journey with them into their dream. When we project ourselves into our future self, into the person living the dream, we gain clarity for our present self. When you imagine yourself living your future best life, you can unwind that success and evaluate the steps that you would need to take at each point along the way. You can slip into the thoughts that created the confidence that moved you to that place of success.

That exercise allowed my client to see that her path to success would require her to be bold. To be afraid of the consequences but to take the actions anyway. Her future self would tell her to stop playing small. Her future self would tell her that she built her success by taking action toward her dream despite the risks and despite the fear.

We must approach every day as a page in our success story. When you look at you dream and your path to achieving that dream, where does today fit? Where does next week or next month fit? What steps were you taking at this stage of the journey?

We all have fears that are keeping us stuck—that convince us that we should play small. Consider the impact those choices are having on your ultimate dream?

Is your dream worth being afraid but experiencing the fear and doing it away?

Achieving our dreams is not easy. It is not without fear and personal risk. That is why so many of us relegate our lives to playing it small. If you could have a chat with your future dream self, what advice would you give yourself today? I suspect that advice would be simple:

Be. Brave.

Take the next steps in your adventure. Let me coach you toward your dream.

“There are two types of pains – one that hurts you and one that changes you.”

Jealousy is such an unpleasant emotion. It communicates to us that we are losing at this game of life. That someone is getting something better than we are getting. That the hand we were dealt is less than. It’s not fair.

All of those thoughts that drive the feeling of jealousy set us on a path of bitterness and anger. The actions that result from those types feelings serve only to confirm that we are, in fact, lacking in some way.

When you think I wish I had their life, why can’t I have their luck, why don’t those things ever happen to me, we lash out at the people around us, we show up to our jobs and relationships disappointed and wanting them to be different. We disconnect, we do the bare minimum, we don’t take actions that would generate success or create the life we wish we had and think we deserve. The net result is that we create a life that is not what we would like it to be. Simply by carrying those thoughts around, we set ourselves up to fail. We create a life that is less than.

The actions that will create the life we want, the type of life we are JEALOUS of, will not be created from a place of anger, jealousy, and bitterness about your current state. You must shift away from thoughts of jealousy if you truly want to create the life of your dreams.

Instead of looking to the lives of others and being jealous about their accomplishments or possessions, why not look to others as sources of inspiration. If they can do it, I can do it. I could do something like that. I am lucky to have someone like that in my life to inspire me and who can provide me with support to achieve the same thing. From those thoughts, we can generate feelings of hope, motivation and excitement about our future. From that space, we can create anything we want.

The people we encounter in our lives are there for a reason. Rather than seeing people as “more fortunate” that we are, consider what they are in your life to teach you. Maybe they are there to be an example of what’s possible. If so, you are missing a great opportunity and a potential teacher by choosing jealousy.

Clean up your thoughts. Stop being a victim of luck. Get inspired by others and stop indulging in jealousy—it is only delaying the creation of your dream.

Are you ready to take your life to the next level? Work with me and let’s create the life you have been dreaming about.