With my clients, I most often see this happen when we start envisioning changes they want to make in their life.

Making commitments is easy. Following through on them is what distinguishes successful people from the rest.

Many of my clients have similar items on their wish lists —

I want to make time to workout

I want to spend time playing with my kids

I want to have a date night with my partner

I want to leave work at a reasonable hour every day

When it comes down to implementing and executing on those wish lists there are a mountain of reasons why it never happens–I’m just so tired at the end of the day, I just don’t have enough time, it’s just not a priority, something always comes up.

Any of those sound familiar?

You have the freedom to make your life whatever you want it to be.

If you don’t want to workout everyday, want work late every night, and want to rarely have one-on-one time with your family, that is absolutely your right. But let’s get one thing very clear: you are CHOOSING do to do those things. You are CHOOSING not to play with your kid when you get home, you are CHOOSING not to go to the gym, you are CHOOSING not to make your self-care a priority.

In order to get serious about creating the lives we want, we have to start getting honest with ourselves.

This life is not just happening to you–you are creating it.

You have to take ownership for the choices you are making every day.

Being tired at the end of the day is not a universal justification for not going to they gym. You are choosing not to go to the gym. People do all sorts of things every day when they are tired. YOU are doing all sorts of things every day even though you are tired. You are simply choosing not to make the gym one of those things.

When it comes to work, it is no different. You are choosing to answer that phone call right before you were supposed to head to your kid’s soccer game. You are choosing to work late and honor that last minute deadline.

You do not have to honor any deadlines.

Seriously.

You do NOT have to honor any deadlines.

Ever.

You are CHOOSING to do so. Maybe you believe that if you don’t you will get fired or you will lose the client, whatever your justification may be, there is likely a reason you are doing it.  A reason that you believe you HAVE to do it. But the truth is, you are simply making a choice. People blow off clients and deadlines and bosses and phone calls every day. You are choosing not to and that is your right. Own it and stop blaming your choices on everything else. Take ownership of the decisions you make in every moment.

Recognize the reasons for your choices and own them for what they are–choices you are making for whatever justifications you decide are important.

I pay my taxes every year not because I “have to” but because I choose to. I choose not to commit tax fraud. I choose not to violate the law. That’s my choice. Many others in this world do not make that same choice.

Sometimes, I choose to disregard my schedule completely and make something else a priority. Whenever I get a call from my family during business hours, I answer immediately and drop everything else. That is my choice. In that moment, I remind myself “You are choosing to do this, you do not have to do this.” I don’t let myself be a victim to circumstances outside of my control. I choose to blow up my schedule and best laid plans if I want to. Because that is my choice. It’s as simple as that.

When we stop telling ourselves we “have” to do things or when we make excuses for not acting, we are ignoring the simple truth of it all–we are choosing to do or not do those things.

When we take ownership of the choices we are making in every moment of every day, it allows us to hit the reset button. It allows us to ask whether that is a decision we WANT to make. A decision we would make again.

In every moment of ever day, you are making choices. Do you like the choices you are making? Are you blaming someone else for your decisions?

When you look at your life and your days as a series of choices, you take back all of your power.

You reclaim your ability to decide how you want your day and your life to play out. Don’t allow yourself to believe that your life is at the mercy of anyone other than you. Live on purpose and choose consciously how you want to spend your time.

We struggle to make ourselves a priority. We are really good at not choosing to put ourselves first. Make an investment in yourself and your life. It all starts with a free consult.

What do you have to lose?

Photo by Robin Glauser on Unsplash

I don’t like New Year’s resolutions because they usually have such a negative flavor:

This year, I’m going to lose weight.

This year, I’m going to finish my college degree.

This year, I’m going to find a boyfriend.

This year, I’m going to find a new job.

These resolutions all smell of lack and unhappiness for our present state. They suggest that there is something wrong with where we currently are—that we need to find something better.

This year, I’m going to lose weight because I hate my body.

This year, I’m going to finish my college degree because I’m not good enough without it.

This year, I’m going to find a boyfriend because I’m tired of being alone.

This year, I’m going to find a new job because then I will be happy.

So often, we set resolutions because we are fed-up and throwing in the towel. We are sick of where we currently stand and tell ourselves, this is the year we “fix” things. It’s a resolution because you are resolved to do better, be better, find better.

This is one of the reasons people avoid setting goals—it reminds them that they are not happy with their current state.

It reminds them of what their life is currently lacking.

That is not the way to set goals.

The other reason people avoid goal-setting is because it creates discomfort. Setting a goal positions your brain to start lecturing you about how this goal will never work. Why you won’t attain it or can’t attain it. Those thoughts create tremendous discomfort and, if unobserved, will create tremendous inertia. (Resolution: go nowhere fast!)

The end result is broken resolutions and more proof that you simply aren’t good enough.

It’s no wonder that less than 10% of New Year’s resolutions are fulfilled! We are approaching it all wrong.

In coaching, we approach goal-setting from a place of abundance. We start from a place of gratitude for what you have achieved. In between thinking about what we want, we remind ourselves of what we used to want so badly but now have.

I want to become an accomplished partner and lead a practice group.

I want to spend a month living in Thailand.

I want to spend a summer in China.

I want to work from home.

I want to have a house that is warm and inviting and demonstrates my personality and love for antiques, life, and all things hippie.

I want to have 10 cats and dogs!

I want to teach in a collegiate setting.

Half of the things on this list I have already accomplished. Half of them I haven’t.

When I read this list, I get excited. I remember how badly I wanted some of those things. I remember how I was able to accomplish them. I am filled with pride and hope and excitement, knowing that I can accomplish everything else on this list…I’m already half way there!

That is the space to “goal” from. That is the energy that will bring your dreams to light.

Stop criticizing “here” and dreaming that “there” will be better. It won’t! Life is 50-50, no matter how many goals you check off your list, there will always be good days and bad days.

In contrast, when I create a list comprised solely of things I want but don’t have, it makes my stomach turn in knots. It feels overwhelming and insurmountable. Intimidating. Pie in the sky, adorable little list of dreams that I can throw away in the month and get back to reality.

That is why I hate NYE resolutions.

I encourage all my clients to set “unattainable goals” because we all need something to strive for—a journey that will scare us and try us and mold us into something new. But setting goals must come from a place of grace and thankfulness—a place of abundance.

When setting goals, ask yourself: are you attracting abundance or are you attracting want? Whatever you are putting out into the universe when you set your goals will come back to you. Choose wisely.

Never make a list of goals or NYE resolutions, unless you surround those dreams with the abundance of your life that you have already achieved. Don’t let yourself ignore all the amazing goals you have already checked off your list. You owe it to yourself to recognize those accomplishments. Foster appreciation and recognize your abundance so that you can attract more.

Setting goals is just the first step process. Then the fun begins: fear, doubt, and uncertainty. How do you achieve any goal you set your mind to? Buckle up and start tackling fear, doubt, and uncertainty. That is where having a trusted coach to support the journey can make all the difference.

Need help setting your 2020 goals? Set up a free coaching consultation and let me support you as you plan your 2020 successes.

Too often we subscribe to the notion that there is a right way to “do life.”

I had a client named Grace who had a knack for setting and achieving huge goals. She had tremendous success in her life but periodically found herself spinning with indecision and inaction. When I asked her what was going on in her head she said that she was stuck in a “battle of shoulds”… “I should be focusing on my business but at the same time I should be focusing on my relationship and also making time to remodel and sell my house.”

When I pressed her to explain what the problem was, it wasn’t simply a matter of stress or feeling overwhelmed. Instead, her predominant feeling was guilt. She was swimming in shame and guilt and it was paralyzing her.

As we worked through her thoughts, we uncovered a deep-seated and oppressive set of expectations she had placed upon herself. In her manual for herself, she was not supposed to be stressed. She was supposed to be able to handle everything in stride without batting an eyelash. She was not supposed to be overwhelmed despite the convergence of some very monumental events in her life—she was moving and selling a home and creating a new business and starting a new relationship and starting a new job all at the same time. She was “supposed” to be able to compartmentalize her life and schedule everything out in an orderly fashion for maximum efficiencies. She was “supposed to” have enough time to focus on everything. And do it with a smile on her face.

As she was struggling to juggle it all and take it in stride, she was beating herself up for being exhausted and worn out. She was unwilling to recognize that her life was changing significantly and that it would be a challenge to keep it all in play. She was unwilling to cut herself some slack even just for a few weeks while everything else got sorted. She was vehemently resisting the chaos and pushing back against the stress she was feeling. She was so hard on herself and had put such incredible expectations on herself that she was just swimming in guilt and self-deprecation.

She should be doing better…handling this better…getting everything done…shouldn’t be feeling like this etc. She was truly invested in her belief that she should be able to handle it all without any problem at all and without taking anything off her ‘to do’ list. When I asked her why it bothered her so much to allow some things to go to the back burner for a few weeks while she carried out some of these transitions, she said doing so made her feel like a failure. Like she was a quitter. She felt guilty for giving up. She should be able to do it all.

Guilt is the flower that grows from self-judgment. Life is not always going to lend itself to perfect order. Sometimes it’s messy and chaotic. That is life.

By struggling against that reality, you invite yourself to judge yourself. To judge your ability to “handle it.” People get so stuck in the thoughts that It shouldn’t be like this, it should be easier. They blame themselves when things get hard and they struggle. Those self-judgments create ugly emotions that inhibit our ability to work through life’s challenges with grace and dignity. When we indulge in those emotions, we fail to grow from life’s challenges. This is the emotional equivalent of putting our heads in the sand.

Grace wanted to show up strong and compassionate and flexible—willing to ride the rollercoaster and do her best to keep everything moving. To accept that challenge and recognize that it might be stressful and tiring and that was okay. To bend but not break in the middle of the hurricane. To allow things to give where necessary.

That was far from her reality. Instead she was beating herself up for the struggle and challenges she was facing. She felt shameful and depressive because she believed It shouldn’t be this hard, I should be able to handle it. She was not riding the waves of change but instead she was drowning in them because her guilt and shame kept her from making any real progress.

By simply bringing awareness to the “manual” she was maintaining for herself, Grace was able to cultivate thoughts of compassion and love for herself. She approached herself gently and accepted that these next few weeks could not be reduced to a simple schedule. She opened herself up to the unknown and approached her life from a place of peace and love, accepting the challenges as they came.

Embrace uncertainty but do not take guilt and self-judgment along for the journey. Allow yourself to let go and loosen up and ride the waves. Life was never meant to be calm waters all the time.

This year, make a resolution to be kinder to yourself. To love yourself and have compassion for yourself, including your weaknesses. Choose to make an investment in you.

Cheers to a new year!