Well over a decade ago, I was playing an in an adult softball league and I hit an infield ball and took off towards first base. In this particular league, we did not wear helmets which the shortsightedness of suddenly came into full view when the third baseman, in an attempt to throw me out at first base, hit me in the head with the softball promptly knocking me out cold. Nothing like a good faceplant and sliding into home unconscious to really stoke one’s ego.

As I came to and I was escorted back to the dugout, I was overcome with all of these emotions bubbling beneath me wanting to come out. I was embarrassed, I was in shock, I had adrenaline rushing through me, and yes, my head was a bit sore. The only thing I wanted to do at that moment, was burst into tears and let all of the emotions out. I wasn’t in pain so much as I was just overcome with all these warring emotions that wanted to burst out of me in an hurricane of tears. But the junior high little girl in me that had been told not to cry and that everything was OK held back those tears and pushed all of the energy back down into my body.

I remember that moment so distinctly because the desire to burst into tears were so palpable but also the desire not to cry was also incredibly persuasive. I didn’t want people to judge me. I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I didn’t want people to think I was a baby.

I think about that experience a lot and wonder: when did it become so wrong for us to experience emotions?

I see the origins of my own experience and watching other children participate in sporting activities. When someone falls and hurts themselves or skins a knee, one of the first things people around them say is, “You’re OK. It’s fine. Everything, is fine. Don’t cry.”

Why do we do that?
Does it make us a lesser human being to experience those emotions? Why are negative emotions “embarrassing”?

There are a lot of reasons why we feel like we need to hide our emotions. Sometimes, just to get through the day, we tell ourselves that we can deal with our emotions later, or that those feelings aren’t worth exploring, or we hide them because we think it will make the relationship easier – I don’t want to tell this person I’m mad at them because it will upset our dynamic and cause more trouble than it’s worth. When we bottle up those emotions, it feels safer than experiencing them. What’s more, it allows us to “maintain” a façade of perfection and unflappability.

Implicitly, we prefer to show up as unfeeling Stepfords as opposed to humans with a full range
of emotions.

But simply because we don’t let the tears fall or let our anger escape, it doesn’t change the fact that those emotions are there raging below the surface. Wouldn’t it be better for our physical and energetic bodies just to simply release the energy in tears?

Is it really good for our bodies to lock down all of that energy and keep it stifled within ourselves and to not honor what we’re actually experiencing? A good cry can be cathartic and letting that energy escape and honoring our experience can be incredibly empowering. Unfortunately, the embarrassment that often accompanies emotional expression, even in private, is a social construct and something that we were taught over time.

It’s not just about whether we show emotions in the middle of a difficult work confrontation, but more importantly are we aware that those emotions NEED to be released and honored at some point? That choosing to hide them while at work is one thing but choosing to ignore them in your own solitude is another.

Many of the professionals I work with have a lot of discomfort around showing emotion and processing negative emotions. In honor of that discomfort they gravitate toward perfectionism and people pleasing — because if we are perfect, and keep everyone happy, we never have to experience the pain that comes from failing or disappointing others, or the discomfort of vulnerability. Overtime, this can be incredibly isolating and lead to the belief that others just don’t “get” you (after all, how can anyone truly understand you if you continually hide your truth?) and that breeds anger and resentment which only further isolates us.

Not only is this ultimately detrimental to our relationships — because we end up hiding who we really are, walking on egg shells so as not to upset anyone — but it is also detrimental to our bodies. There is evidence that bottling up emotions can manifest in physical
stress and even disease. If we can think about emotions simply as energy bouncing around in side of our bodies, it can be easier to understand why it’s essential to honor that energy and allow it to move through us as opposed to bottling it up. If our emotions are simply energy, when we bottle them up, aren’t we simply putting a lid on an already boiling pot of water? Aren’t we further ensuring that the pot WILL boil over at some point and likely cause even more damage to its surroundings? Wouldn’t it be better to remove the pot from the stove and let that energy run its course? When we think of emotions as energy, it becomes easier to imagine the damage that energy can do it left to continually build pressure within our bodies. In that context, we can understand why bottling up those emotions never resolves them, it simply forces them to build more energy until we completely boil over. Consider what impact that bottled energy has on your body and nervous system.

Our emotions are a signpost to what is happening in our lives. They are the purest means to find your true north and connect with what you are really thinking about the events in your life. It’s not about being “emotional,” it’s about letting those emotions plug you in to your deepest thoughts. If we could see those negative emotions that pop up during the day as signposts for life, would we continue to bury them and their roots?  Would we strive so hard to be perfectionist and to please others if we were perfectly comfortable experiencing the full range of emotions?

The next time, you feel challenged by negative emotions during your day — anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment — ask yourself what those emotions are trying to show you about your experience. Consider making time to explore them instead of ignoring them. What impact would that have on your relationships and even your physical health?

The only way to truly succeed in the legal industry is to develop a deeper understanding of your brain and your emotions. Through that work, we are able to understand and dismantle the cycle of meltdowns and fully take control over our success. Join us. It all starts with a free consult.

Photo by cottonbro studio

How we think about our past is 100% within our control.

The past does not exist today. The only thing that does exist is how we think about our past and characterize those experiences.

I recently had a coaching session where I had an epiphany about my past. I came to the session frustrated because I felt like my past was “haunting” me. Like every time I tried to move forward, I would have a nightmare or be overwhelmed by a tidal wave of anxious thoughts and feelings.

I spent a decade of my life in a very challenging relationship. There are so many experiences that I had that I would not wish on anyone. From that experience, I have come to understand and appreciate the mental and physical implications of trauma both long- and short-term.

However, in that session I realized that when I thought of my past, my predominant thought was this:

I am so done with that part of my life; I don’t want to spend any energy thinking about it anymore; I am not that person any longer

On its face, this looks like a strong, worthy thought for me to be carrying around. The problem was that this thought created feelings of frustration about my past. It created tremendously strong resistance to any thoughts about my past or any consideration of past events. I just kept telling myself I am so done with all of that. I was always trying to pivot away from those thoughts. To close the blinds, so to speak.

However, when I am frustrated about my past, I tend to stew and fester on it. I beat myself up every time I think about it and get so frustrated that my past just wouldn’t leave me alone. I beat myself up for my past actions and ranted at my younger self.

How could you get yourself into that situation? How could you do that to your family? How did you get so lost? I don’t even know who you are.

On and on and on it goes. The truth is that my thought I am so done created actions in me that only proved that I was not, in fact, done with that part of my life. That thought was creating the exact opposite result because it was my mental attempt to wipe it clean. To resist my feelings and resist my thoughts about my past.

As I was finding, my resistance would only last so long and eventually my emotions would come flooding back and I would snap or melt down at the slightest trigger. I kept asking myself Why do I keep thinking about this junk? Why does this keep coming up!?

Anytime you find yourself resisting a feeling or pretending that you are past it, the only result that can come of it is that it will boomerang back to you much stronger.

These are all signs that you are resisting the emotions that are trying to work themselves out.

When we resist our feelings, we are only drawing them back to us in a stronger way.

In working with my coach, I realized that my thought I am so done with that part of my life was creating a never-ending cycle of suffering. Unless and until I actually sat down and looked at my past, I would never be able to shift my perspective.

You can’t just close off the ugly rooms in your house and pretend that they don’t exist. You have to enter the room; looks at its cracks and clear away the grime. That is the only way to start thinking differently about that space.

I always tell my clients that this work is never-ending and truly, that is the case. I am always humbled and blessed by the things my coaches uncover in our sessions. This work truly changes lives.

What are you waiting for?

Sign up for a free consultation today and get started re-thinking your past experiences.

Most of us take this to mean the trifecta: What do you do? Are you married? Do you have kids?

The interesting thing about how we respond to these lines of questioning is that our responses almost invariably describe our pasts.

I am married (Read: 10 years ago, I took a vow to another person.)

I have 3 kids (Read: Over the past several years, I have given birth to three humans.)

I am an attorney (Read: I went to law school 15 years ago.)

I don’t know about you but who I am today is only a small fleck of the person I was 10 or 15 years ago. All of those responses describe our past actions. Our past selves. None of this is who we are today.

What if you had to answer that question but could not reference your past in doing so? What would your response be?

Hard, right?

What gets really interesting is when we take it one step further:

I like to read.

I am not good at basketball.

I am an introvert.

I don’t like to be in large crowds.

I am not a good dancer.

I like to snow ski.

All of these things we use to describe ourselves we treat as factual. As if they just are. But in reality, these things describe our past experiences. Our past likes and dislikes. Our past successes and failures.

I used to like to wear my brother’s clothing and I never wore makeup.

That is not the case anymore! I have changed, and my likes/dislikes and self-expression have changed as well.

So often in our lives we drag our pasts with us in ways that we don’t even recognize:

I’m not good with relationships (because I am divorced)

I am not good at public speaking (because I had a really bad experience at a conference 2 years ago)

I don’t really like to try new sports (because I broke my ankle snowboarding for the first time)

Whatever it is we are telling ourselves and others about ourselves is often past-focused. We look to our past to describe who we are. To define ourselves. We look to our past to forecast our future self:

In the past I had a bad relationship and so that means I am bad with relationships today and will be in the future. I’ve tried, and it didn’t work out so that’s just my lot.

When you do this, when you look to your past to describe who you are today, you are investing in your past failures and limitations. You are looking to those past experiences to create your future.

For instance, so often people identify themselves by what they do for a living. That characterizations can limit how we see ourselves today and in our future. Who cares if I became an attorney decades ago? That has no bearing whatsoever on who I am now and where my future is going! So what if you didn’t go to college?! That has nothing to do with whether you will go to college next week, so why bother bringing it up? What you wanted to do for a living when you were in your 20s is irrelevant today.

When crafting your future, do not limit your dreams to what you have accomplished in the past, it will only limit you. Your past is no indication of who and what you can be tomorrow, next week, next year.

We carry our pasts with us like the contrails from a plane. Stop doing that! That doesn’t exist anymore unless you let it. Don’t look to your past to define yourself today and envision your future. It is irrelevant data. The only thing that matters is what you want in your future; that has nothing to do with where you have been.

The next time someone says to you “Tell me about yourself,” I hope that you will pause and consider the question anew. Don’t limit who you are by what you did 5, 10, 15 years ago. Let your past rest and start creating the person you want to be today.

Every. Single. Day. Is an opportunity to create the life and the person you want to be.

I love helping my clients dream about their future and move away from their past limiting beliefs. I would be honored to support you as well.

The fear of failure, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of how we will feel if it all falls apart, is at the heart of it all. Here’s what our friend Merriam-Webster Google has to say about fear:

an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

Let’s break this down…

Fear is an “unpleasant emotion” caused by a “belief”. Beliefs are choices we make in our brains based upon thoughts we hold to be true. So fear is an uncomfortable emotion caused by our thoughts. That is all that is holding you back from taking action, from making that move, from leaving your soul-less job. You are letting your brain ruin all the fun.

If you want to lose 50 pounds, don’t let an unpleasant emotion hold you back, don’t be afraid to fail. So what if you fail? What’s the worst thing that could happen? Embarrassment? It’s just a feeling caused by what you are thinking. How you will feel after a failure is driven 100% by what you make that failure mean. We all do it. You set a lofty goal and then when you miss the mark you think “I’m never going to fit into those pants again” or “I’m never going to get promoted” or “Why do I even bother trying.” Ugh those thoughts are dream-killers. You are choosing to think that garbage and it is making you feel terrible.

If you have a lofty goal that you are not pursuing, ask yourself why. What is the worst that could happen? You don’t achieve it? So what? What is it about that failure that is so scary? 99% of the time we are afraid of how we will feel once we fail. We are afraid of feeling disappointed in ourselves. So instead, we put our little dream on the shelf and feel disappointed in ourselves for not trying. Don’t you see that we are already feeling those things we are trying to avoid!? Instead of trying, failing, and feeling disappointed. We are not trying, not failing, and feeling disappointed all the same. People, this is some kind of crazy.

I am challenging you to try and fail, despite the fear. Try and fail and feel those feelings having known that you actually tried. If you’re going to feel crappy you might as well do something first to feel crappy about. Don’t feel crappy about your inaction. You don’t deserve to feel crappy about your situation unless and until you have actually tried and failed.

But let me challenge you even more. I submit that, if you try and fail and continue to try and fail, despite those feelings, you will win every time. Every single time you try and fail, you will develop yourself. You will learn how not  to achieve your goal, you will learn alternative methods to try and achieve your goal. You will learn how to manage those feelings of shame, fear, embarrassment, etc. You may not even have the same goals on the other side of all the trying. I do not believe that someone can try and fail to achieve a goal repeatedly and gain nothing from the process. It’s impossible.

If you are not trying and failing on a regular basis, my guess is that you are already sitting with those ugly feelings you are trying to avoid by preventing failure. If you are not trying and failing at something all the time, I am begging you to examine what it is that is holding you back. Shame? Embarrassment? Those are all just feelings. Driven by your thoughts. Driven by what you are making your “failures” mean! Failure doesn’t have to mean you are hopeless and destined to be unhappy. Failure can mean that you are dedicated to learning and evolving. To challenging yourself and learning to manage your brain. Are your dreams really worth ignoring because you don’t have what it takes to experience uncomfortable emotions? Take that leap.

What is the worst that could happen?

Coach with me and learn the skills to fail forward.