Well over a decade ago, I was playing an in an adult softball league and I hit an infield ball and took off towards first base. In this particular league, we did not wear helmets which the shortsightedness of suddenly came into full view when the third baseman, in an attempt to throw me out at first base, hit me in the head with the softball promptly knocking me out cold. Nothing like a good faceplant and sliding into home unconscious to really stoke one’s ego.

As I came to and I was escorted back to the dugout, I was overcome with all of these emotions bubbling beneath me wanting to come out. I was embarrassed, I was in shock, I had adrenaline rushing through me, and yes, my head was a bit sore. The only thing I wanted to do at that moment, was burst into tears and let all of the emotions out. I wasn’t in pain so much as I was just overcome with all these warring emotions that wanted to burst out of me in an hurricane of tears. But the junior high little girl in me that had been told not to cry and that everything was OK held back those tears and pushed all of the energy back down into my body.

I remember that moment so distinctly because the desire to burst into tears were so palpable but also the desire not to cry was also incredibly persuasive. I didn’t want people to judge me. I didn’t want to embarrass myself. I didn’t want people to think I was a baby.

I think about that experience a lot and wonder: when did it become so wrong for us to experience emotions?

I see the origins of my own experience and watching other children participate in sporting activities. When someone falls and hurts themselves or skins a knee, one of the first things people around them say is, “You’re OK. It’s fine. Everything, is fine. Don’t cry.”

Why do we do that?
Does it make us a lesser human being to experience those emotions? Why are negative emotions “embarrassing”?

There are a lot of reasons why we feel like we need to hide our emotions. Sometimes, just to get through the day, we tell ourselves that we can deal with our emotions later, or that those feelings aren’t worth exploring, or we hide them because we think it will make the relationship easier – I don’t want to tell this person I’m mad at them because it will upset our dynamic and cause more trouble than it’s worth. When we bottle up those emotions, it feels safer than experiencing them. What’s more, it allows us to “maintain” a façade of perfection and unflappability.

Implicitly, we prefer to show up as unfeeling Stepfords as opposed to humans with a full range
of emotions.

But simply because we don’t let the tears fall or let our anger escape, it doesn’t change the fact that those emotions are there raging below the surface. Wouldn’t it be better for our physical and energetic bodies just to simply release the energy in tears?

Is it really good for our bodies to lock down all of that energy and keep it stifled within ourselves and to not honor what we’re actually experiencing? A good cry can be cathartic and letting that energy escape and honoring our experience can be incredibly empowering. Unfortunately, the embarrassment that often accompanies emotional expression, even in private, is a social construct and something that we were taught over time.

It’s not just about whether we show emotions in the middle of a difficult work confrontation, but more importantly are we aware that those emotions NEED to be released and honored at some point? That choosing to hide them while at work is one thing but choosing to ignore them in your own solitude is another.

Many of the professionals I work with have a lot of discomfort around showing emotion and processing negative emotions. In honor of that discomfort they gravitate toward perfectionism and people pleasing — because if we are perfect, and keep everyone happy, we never have to experience the pain that comes from failing or disappointing others, or the discomfort of vulnerability. Overtime, this can be incredibly isolating and lead to the belief that others just don’t “get” you (after all, how can anyone truly understand you if you continually hide your truth?) and that breeds anger and resentment which only further isolates us.

Not only is this ultimately detrimental to our relationships — because we end up hiding who we really are, walking on egg shells so as not to upset anyone — but it is also detrimental to our bodies. There is evidence that bottling up emotions can manifest in physical
stress and even disease. If we can think about emotions simply as energy bouncing around in side of our bodies, it can be easier to understand why it’s essential to honor that energy and allow it to move through us as opposed to bottling it up. If our emotions are simply energy, when we bottle them up, aren’t we simply putting a lid on an already boiling pot of water? Aren’t we further ensuring that the pot WILL boil over at some point and likely cause even more damage to its surroundings? Wouldn’t it be better to remove the pot from the stove and let that energy run its course? When we think of emotions as energy, it becomes easier to imagine the damage that energy can do it left to continually build pressure within our bodies. In that context, we can understand why bottling up those emotions never resolves them, it simply forces them to build more energy until we completely boil over. Consider what impact that bottled energy has on your body and nervous system.

Our emotions are a signpost to what is happening in our lives. They are the purest means to find your true north and connect with what you are really thinking about the events in your life. It’s not about being “emotional,” it’s about letting those emotions plug you in to your deepest thoughts. If we could see those negative emotions that pop up during the day as signposts for life, would we continue to bury them and their roots?  Would we strive so hard to be perfectionist and to please others if we were perfectly comfortable experiencing the full range of emotions?

The next time, you feel challenged by negative emotions during your day — anger, resentment, sadness, disappointment — ask yourself what those emotions are trying to show you about your experience. Consider making time to explore them instead of ignoring them. What impact would that have on your relationships and even your physical health?

The only way to truly succeed in the legal industry is to develop a deeper understanding of your brain and your emotions. Through that work, we are able to understand and dismantle the cycle of meltdowns and fully take control over our success. Join us. It all starts with a free consult.

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I recently had a mini-session with an attorney who wanted to work through her over-eating tendencies. As part of the process we examined the circumstances that led to her overeating. Most days when she comes home, she changes clothes, cooks dinner, does the dishes, and picks up around the house. Finally around 8:30pm she sits down on her couch and turns on her favorite Bravo show from her DVR with a handful of cookies. At that point in the day, her predominant thought is That was a long day. I’m so ready to relax.

Habits are based upon patterns in our lives. We have certain cues that set us up for the pattern.

Over-eating is pattern that is predominantly driven by environmental patterns (e.g., sitting down alone at the end of the day and watching television) and thought patterns (Today was a rough day, I just want to relax).

Once you identify the pattern and the cues, you can get to work developing alternative habits and patterns. But before we can do that, we must determine why the pattern exists:

What “reward” are those cookies offering you.?

Sugary foods and alcohol provide our brains with a quick dopamine hit. When we engage in our pattern–sitting on the couch, turning on the tv–our brain gets excited because it knows a hit is coming. It is craving the hit not only because of our pattern but because the hit offers a reward.

The reward is dopamine. At these times during our days, my clients are feeling tired and worn out. Secretly, they are often a little sad. They are swimming in thoughts like I wish I had more time to do the things I enjoy or I really don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. Those thoughts feel terrible. Why feel terrible when we can bury that gross feeling with a rush of dopamine?

Now we add the thought, I’m worn out, it’s been a long day, I deserve a break and we create a recipe (a pattern) for disaster.

Rather than experience the emotions that come at the end of a long day when there is nothing left to do, we push away from it and bury it with a flood of dopamine from a sugary treat or alcohol.

Why do we do that? What is so terrible about experiencing the fatigue and those feelings at the end of the day?

When we avoid our emotions in this way and bury them with the rush we get from external things, we are trading our long-term happiness for momentary relief.

Ultimately, my client wanted to stop over-eating and she wanted to lose weight. That was going to require her to change this habit of buffering negative emotions.

At the end of a long and stressful day, we often experience a wide array of emotions. Some of us experience a bit of sadness or dread as we realize This is my life. This is how every day is going to be for the next 30 years. How can I maintain this pace forever? I don’t want to do this anymore.

Those thoughts feel terrible and they are posing some important questions that bear examination. That examination will never come if we spend our nights avoiding a true examination of our lives. In order to build a better and happier life for ourselves, we must be willing to examine those negative thoughts and to do so we must be willing to examine those negative emotions.

At the end of a “long day” what if we just experienced whatever came up?

What if we were willing to examine those feelings and accept them as part of the 50-50? Instead of burying them with a dopamine rush, we just sat with them and let them pass through our bodies?

Part of they reason my client was over-eating was because she was trying to cover up some negative emotions. First, we identified what those emotions were and what thoughts were causing them. Then we developed strategies to just accept those emotions as a part of life and perfectly normal. From there, she no longer needed to buffer because there was nothing to fix. Nothing had gone wrong.

She was just a human, having a human experience.

When you open up to the awareness that our lives are 50-50 and that negative emotion does not need to be “fixed” or covered up, you can start to shift away from your over-eating habits. You can develop new habits that accept what you are feeling.

The next time you find yourself saying I’ve had a long day, ask yourself

So what?

What kind of a “pass” are you giving yourself because you are feeling something negative? How are those choices impacting your life?

Ready to start some new habits? Get started today.

Photo by Adrienn from Pexels