The answer lies in a mix of biology, psychology, and societal influence. By understanding the roots of our inner critic, we can begin to quiet that voice and replace it with one that empowers us instead.

The Biological Roots of Self-Criticism

Our tendency to be hard on ourselves is partly due to evolutionary survival mechanisms. Early humans needed to be hyper-aware of threats and mistakes to survive. This vigilance extended inward: by analyzing what went wrong, they could learn and adapt to avoid future danger.

This is where the brain’s negativity bias comes into play. Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Negative memories and criticisms stick because they are processed more deeply, helping us stay alert to potential threats.

However, in today’s world, most of us aren’t navigating life-or-death situations. Yet, our brain’s hardwiring remains the same, leading us to dwell excessively on our perceived failures and flaws.

The Psychology of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is also shaped by psychological factors like self-esteem, upbringing, and personality traits.

• Social Comparison
  Psychologist Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory suggests that we evaluate ourselves based on comparisons to others. While this can motivate us to improve, it often backfires in a world dominated by social media. We compare our messy, behind-the-scenes lives to the highlight reels others post, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

• Perfectionism
  Perfectionists are especially hard on themselves because they equate their worth with their achievements. Research by Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett has shown that perfectionism is linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. When perfectionists fall short of their impossible standards, they berate themselves mercilessly.

• Internalized Voices
  Our inner critic often mimics the voices we heard growing up. If parents, teachers, or peers frequently pointed out flaws or emphasized achievement, we may internalize those expectations. This doesn’t mean those individuals intended harm—it’s simply how our brain learns to self-regulate by mirroring external feedback.

Societal Pressure and the Culture of “More”

Modern society plays a significant role in why we’re so hard on ourselves.

• The Hustle Mentality: There’s an unspoken expectation to be constantly productive, successful, and improving. This leaves little room for rest or imperfection.
• Achievement as Identity: In cultures where worth is tied to accomplishments, falling short can feel like a personal failure rather than a natural part of life.
• Beauty and Success Standards: Unrealistic standards perpetuated by media and advertising fuel feelings of “never being enough.”

The Cost of Being Hard on Ourselves

While some self-criticism can be constructive, excessive self-criticism takes a toll on mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

• Mental Health: Chronic self-criticism is linked to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Studies from Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, show that self-criticism activates the brain’s fight-or-flight response, creating unnecessary stress.
• Relationships: Being overly hard on ourselves can lead to strained relationships. We might project our insecurities onto others, withdraw, or struggle with trust and vulnerability.
• Performance: Ironically, while we may believe self-criticism pushes us to do better, it often has the opposite effect. Dr. Neff’s research found that self-compassion—not self-criticism—is a better predictor of resilience, motivation, and performance.

How to Break Free from Self-Criticism

The good news is that we can rewire our brains and shift our relationship with ourselves. Here’s how:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   Dr. Neff suggests treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. When you notice your inner critic, pause and ask: “Would I say this to someone I care about?” If not, reframe the thought in a more compassionate way.
2. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
   Instead of seeing mistakes as evidence of inadequacy, view them as valuable feedback. Neuroscience shows that adopting a growth mindset, as championed by Dr. Carol Dweck, helps us embrace challenges and persist despite setbacks.
3. Limit Social Comparisons
   Be mindful of how often you compare yourself to others. If social media triggers feelings of inadequacy, consider curating your feed to follow accounts that inspire rather than drain you.
4. Focus on Process, Not Perfection
   Shift your focus from outcomes to effort. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge progress, even if it’s imperfect.
5. Seek Support
   Sometimes, breaking free from self-criticism requires outside help. Therapy or coaching can provide tools to understand and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

A New Way Forward

Being hard on ourselves may feel like second nature, but it’s not inevitable. By understanding the roots of self-criticism and actively practicing self-compassion, we can quiet our inner critic and make room for self-acceptance.

Remember, you are not your mistakes or shortcomings. You are a work in progress, deserving of kindness and grace.

Let’s leave the harsh judgments behind and step into a new year of self-love, growth, and possibility.

Get Support!

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to reframe your inner narrative, let’s connect. Schedule a free consultation or explore my on-demand resources designed to help you cultivate self-compassion and live authentically.

Because you deserve to thrive—inside and out.

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com

(Never! ) We’ve all been there, twiddling our thumbs while the to-do list mocks us from across the room. But fear not, fellow dawdlers! With a sprinkle of self-awareness and a dash of humor, we can navigate the murky waters of procrastination. Buckle up as we dive into the wild rationale behind our delightful delays.

Why do we procrastinate? Research suggests it boils down to some of the following factors:

1. Fear of Failure: Some delay tasks to avoid the potential of making mistakes or facing criticism, especially when they feel the work must be perfect.
2. Task Overwhelm: Large or complex tasks can feel daunting, leading people to avoid starting altogether.
3. Lack of Motivation: When tasks feel tedious or lack personal significance, people tend to put them off.
4. Reward Delay: If the rewards of completing a task are distant or unclear, people may prioritize instant gratification over long-term gains.
5. Indecisiveness: Difficulty making decisions or clarifying steps can also contribute, as people avoid starting without a clear plan.

Procrastination often results from a blend of these factors, making it a challenging habit to break without addressing root causes. Taking all of these factors into account, here’s a peek at how this often plays out in the legal profession and how we can use this awareness to fix it:

Blame It on Biology, Baby!

First things first, let’s point the finger at the primary perpetrator—biology. Our motivational triad drives us to seek please (hello, Instagram!) and avoid pain (not today, massive project!) even to our own detriment. When faced with a daunting task, our brains whip out their best escape routes faster than you can say “deadline panic.”

In the case of daunting projects, demanding bosses, and frustrating clients, our brain screams, “Run for your life!” But instead of sprinting away, we end up binge-watching cat videos or obsessively scrolling through TikTok. (Because let’s be honest, sprinting really isn’t in my vocabulary these days…)

For my fellow lawyers, some partners and clients might as well be the literal hungry lions of our biological nightmares. When you’re avoiding a project, it’s not just laziness—it’s your inner survival instincts kicking into overdrive. Here’s what that might sound like:

• I’m not going to get this right and she’s going to flip out.
• I don’t know how to figure this out, and he’s probably going to fire me when I mess up.
• I can’t stand working for this client; I can’t trust anything they tell me.
• I’m so nervous, I cannot botch this project.
• Why bother with this project, he always redoes my work anyway because it’s never right.
• I hate working for this partner; I really don’t want to do this.
• This is going to be miserable.

These thoughts set the stage for a fear-fueled procrastination parade.

And just as we start to spiral into the abyss of avoidance, the Procrastination Fairy swoops in with shiny distractions:

• Starbucks has a new latte you need to try!
• Have you checked out your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page lately?
• You really need to order a dress for new year’s eve to kick off your new year properly!

Ah, yes, the classic lure of instant gratification. Instead of tackling the task at hand, we’re off indulging in endorphin-guzzling activities that make our brains do a happy dance. It’s the ultimate form of self-sabotage—pleasant on the surface, but oh-so-detrimental in the long run.

Deadline Panic

 
Just when you’ve bought THE BEST dress for NYE and you think you’ve fully mastered the art of procrastination, the deadline looms ominously on the horizon and crashes the party. Suddenly, all those little fears about failing the project morph into one gigantic fear of not finishing on time and our brains conjure images of:

• SHOUTY CAPS emails raining down like angry meteorites.
• Missed deadlines turn into a career dumpster fire and you sleeping on your parents’ couch for the foreseeable future.

And there you are, scrambling like a headless chicken, trying to finish the project at lightning speed. The result? A chaotic, slapshod, final product that likely misses the mark – or at least partially. Instead of showcasing your brilliance, you end up creating more proof that maybe you aren’t cut out for this, even more reasons for those around you to doubt your abilities, and more reasons for you to fear the next project.

Fear: The Master Puppeteer

All this chaos boils down to one tiny, pesky emotion: fear. We procrastinate to dodge negative feelings, only to let bigger fears kick us into high gear later on. It’s like avoiding a fender bender only to drive off a cliff later on. Not the best strategy for success.

So, how do we break free from this fear-driven procrastination loop? Here are a few tips to try out:

1. Treat Your Ears: Listen to my latest podcast exploring perfectionism which, as you can see, is at the heart of our procrastinating ways!
2. Embrace B- Work: Accept that sometimes “good enough” is just fine and perhaps DONE really is better than PERFECT in most instances.
3. Visualize Success: Picture yourself acing the project and rewarding yourself for your success.
4. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Large tasks can feel overwhelming. Divide them into smaller, manageable parts to make starting easier.
5. Set Short Deadlines: Create immediate, achievable deadlines instead of waiting until the last minute.
6. Use the “Two-Minute Rule”: Start a task for just two minutes. Often, this small action reduces resistance to completing it.
7. Identify the Root Cause: Recognize if fear of failure, lack of clarity, or motivation is holding you back and address it directly.
8. Reward Yourself: Set rewards for completing tasks to boost motivation and create a positive association with getting things done. “I’ll spend 30 minutes checking out this horrible project and then I’ll creep on my ex’s Facebook for a hot minute.” Motivation, entertainment, and positive reinforcement? Yes, please!
9. Use Tools for Focus: Apps or techniques like the Pomodoro Technique can help you stay focused and track your time efficiently.

Making gradual changes with these techniques can help build consistency and reduce procrastination.

Fear Not!

At the end of the day, procrastination is just fear in a cute outfit. By recognizing the biological and psychological dance that leads us astray, we can start taking back control.

We have to start getting honest with ourselves about why we are procrastinating to begin with. Once we get to the root of fear, we can ask whether we like that reasoning. Furthermore, we can acknowledge how this story will end if we choose to invest in that fear and go down the Facebook rabbit-hole instead. All of the above tools to combat procrastination only require one thing from you: honesty. Honesty with yourself about your actions and your justifications. From there, all you have to do is ask yourself whether you like your reasons for acting or not acting and make a new, informed, honest choice about your next steps. Those are the choices that will determine the type of person you become — one who procrastinates or one who doesn’t. The choice is ultimately yours and all that matters is whether you are comfortable with your reasoning.

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things.” – Gene Hayden

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

What is people-pleasing and why is it so damn hard to stop?

What Is a People-Pleaser?

In short, a people-pleaser is a person who puts others’ needs ahead of their own, and they do this not wholly from an altruistic place. Rather, people-pleasers are often driven by their own insecurities, and their actions rarely align with their true desires. While people-pleasers may be viewed by others as agreeable, helpful, and kind, people-pleasers often resent their overextended commitments and often feel taken advantage of.

Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

There are a number of characteristics that people-pleasers tend to share. Some common people-pleasing behaviors include:

You have a difficult time saying “No“

You are preoccupied with what other people might think.

You feel guilty when you do tell people “No”

You fear that turning people down will make them think you are lazy or selfish.

You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.

You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.

You’re always telling people you’re sorry.

You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.

You never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people.

You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.

You pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently.

Did you know that people-pleasers are also highly intuitive? They tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling and are generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. In part, this is what makes them so good at people-pleasing. But these positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, a need to take control, or a tendency to overachieve.

Why is it hard to stop?

Our natural survival tendencies are part of the reasons people-pleasing is hard to stop. The primary purpose of your brain is to keep you alive. Both humans and animals have brains that focus on three simple motivations to increase the odds of survival:

Focus #1: Avoid pain

Focus #2: Seek pleasure

Focus #3: Be efficient and conserve your energy

These three tendencies comprise our brain’s motivational triad. The net result is that we are always driving to do things that won’t hurt us, feel good, and require the least amount of effort. These primary motivations are how we have, historically, survived.

We were motivated to hunt, have sex, and seek warm shelter by our desire for pleasure. We stayed vigilant to avoid any potential danger/pain. We didn’t waste energy lifting weights or running just for the fun of it because we were motivated to conserve our energy. (This is why exercise can feel so daunting until you can start being motivated to pursue the resulting endorphins — it’s your brain’s fault, not yours!)

Now that we have evolved into modern society, the motivations of this primitive brain don’t necessarily “fit” into our society. In fact, those parts of our brains can stunt our development —

The desire to avoid pain will result in you avoiding new experiences or potential risks. This is what drives many of us to avoid conflict by people-pleasing. Furthermore, we often people-please because it’s easier and feels better (in the moment) than saying “No” and potentially damaging the relationship. People-pleasing also gives us that temporary endorphin rush that often arises when we feel needed. But as many of us know, those positive effects are short-lived and quickly spiral into overwhelm, frustration, and resentment.

While we are well aware of the negative effects of people-pleasing, why is it so hard to stop? That one is also attributable to your primitive brain and the drive to be efficient.

Given the chance, your brain will stay on autopilot rethinking the same old thoughts and beliefs you have relied on since childhood. All of those beliefs that formed the basis of people-pleasing — “I can’t say no, people will get mad at me, they will stop giving me work, they will think I’m not a team player, I might get fired, they will judge me, they won’t like me…” — will continue to run on autopilot in the background, driving you to continue to show up and act in the same way, continually recreating the same result. In other words, our brain’s desire to remain efficient will continually remind us why we can’t stop people-pleasing. Our brain’s efficient patterns will keep us sticking to those same old beliefs that created this problem from the outset.

Other Reasons We People-Please

In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it’s important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. So what else is driving this tendency? There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:

• Low self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don’t value their own desires and needs. This may be due to a lack of self-confidence which drives a need for external validation where we feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.

• Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won’t like them if they don’t go above and beyond to make them happy.

• Perfectionism: People-pleasers often want others to think and feel about them in a certain way — someone who can do it all seamlessly. That drive for perfection is at odds with setting healthy boundaries and saying “No,” so we fall into a people-pleasing pattern.

• Past experiences: Setting boundaries and using our voices isn’t always well received. If we have painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences around times when we tried to stand up for ourselves, it may also play a role. People who have experienced painful feedback in the past may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering that same behavior in others.

How You Know It’s A Problem

Being kind and altruistic is not necessarily a problem. However, if you are trying to win the approval of others in order to shore up weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being, you are creating a pattern that will only result in self-destruction.

Side effects of people-pleasing include:

• Anger and frustration. Excessive people-pleasing can often leave us feeling taken advantage of and unimportant. We feel like no one seems to care about our wants and needs, which breeds frustration and resentment.

• Depleted willpower. Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals. This tendency can also create a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect where the people-pleaser resists advocating for themselves.

• Lack of authenticity. People-pleasers often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. This makes us feel like we are living a lie — we become disconnected with our own true wants and needs and sometimes forget them entirely. This inauthenticity also breeds its own form of frustration.

• Relationships suffer. When we don’t share our true feelings and needs, it’s difficult for other people to get to know the real you. Vulnerable honesty is important in any close relationship, but it can feel impossible if the relationship is founded upon people-pleasing.

If you find yourself caught up in people-pleasing tendencies, check out the Lawyer Life Podcast episode on People Pleasing to learn how to deconstruct that pattern. If you are ready to dig in and do the work to stop people-pleasing for good, sign up for a free coaching consult to see what we can do together!

It’s not working.

I can’t stop the negative thinking.

This just the way that I am.

This isn’t worth the effort.

When those old negative patterns come back around and take the wind out of our new, intentional thinking, it can be incredibly frustrating. It starts to feel like it is never going to work; we’re never going to “fix” our brains.

Consider what it would be like to commit to writing with your non-dominant hand. There would be time when you would forget about the experiment — you might reach for your pen with your dominant hand, you might even write a few words before realizing your mistake. It would be frustrating. There would be times when it would feel like a fool’s errand and a waste of your energy.

Why not just forget it and go back to the way things were?

When we experience set backs on the path toward our goals, it can be demoralizing. It can feel like it’s never going to work. But, in our example, most of us wouldn’t be surprised when you automatically grabbed your pen with your dominant hand or when you simply forgot you were making efforts to change the practice. We wouldn’t be shocked when our automatic, unconscious impulses kicked in, of course they did!

This is the same thing that happens with our brains and goal-ing. Those old negative thoughts will come back. They will try to rain on your parade. They will creep in when you’re tired and out of gas at the end of a long day.

But what if those “slips” were part of the deal? What if those “mistakes” were there to teach you something?

Transitioning to new, more high vibrational thoughts will include some slippage and likely will never completely eradicate old patterns; however, the back and forth dance is an opportunity to embrace our own imperfections and challenge the concept of perfectionism. It’s an opportunity to recognize that change is never going to come easily and that it will require not only commitment but compassion for yourself and your imperfections. Practicing new beliefs and experiencing those challenges often forces my clients to come face to face with their own perfectionist tendencies. It forces them to accept their slips, have compassion, and keep going. It forces them to see that perfectionism is just a pretty excuse for treating themselves terribly and setting unrealistic expectations.

What if we could translate that practice to all aspects of our lives?

What if we were willing to embark on any task, knowing and even anticipating, that we were going to mess up along the way but committing to do it anyway?

Simple thought work often reveals a microcosm of my client’s relationships with themselves. It sheds light on all our self-deprecating tendencies and requires us to face them head on in order to make progress. Those small steps develop a skill that will last a lifetime and will allow you to do away with perfectionism and embrace your dreams.

Our minds can be adapted and renewed. Developments in neuroscience tell us that the brain is capable of establishing new neural pathways, healing and building new brain cells. To do this, the brain simply requires direction and repetition — it requires a commitment to change and push through the discomfort and the setbacks that will inevitably come.

Are you in?

Photo by Lisa from Pexels

So in a profession where the only feedback you typically get is negative feedback, how do you keep those experiences from making you paranoid?

In today’s blog we focus on getting clear on where negative feedback fits in your life and how to keep it from bogging down your best work.

You are practicing law. You are doing the hard thing. You might feel like you are operating blindly, unsure if that last email you sent made any sense or addressed the appropriate legal issues. Projects are submitted and become part of a vast cone of silence. It is often difficult to know whether that silence is an indication of your failure or a silent thank you for a job well done. In the midst of this silent treatment, you periodically receive some feedback. Negative feedback.

That shouldn’t have take that long.

This shouldn’t have been that hard.

You missed an important issue.

You clearly did not understand the scope of the project.

You completely missed the point.

When many of us receive that feedback and when that is the ONLY feedback we receive, it breeds an odd form of professional paranoia. We know that we didn’t do a good job in those particular instances but we don’t have any clarity on when we HAVE done a good job. It’s like being blindfolded and sent to navigate a minefield. It’s no wonder that this type of consistent negative feedback, without more, makes it difficult to get back on the horse. Usually the result is that we spend more and more time agonizing over every minute detail of every later project hoping that we are getting better at anticipating the mines. The delightful insecurity delay!

We take that negative feedback and camp out with our self-created paranoia.

While we would like some positive feedback, we would almost prefer the silence than the sudden, surprising criticism, like a slap in the face. When we live in that paranoia, projects take longer and our brain becomes filled with self-doubt and negative chatter. It’s hard to focus on the task at hand in between beating yourself up for your mistakes and worrying that you are about to mess up again. The natural result is that we spin in this insecurity, take longer to get simple tasks done, and start to cower in fear of any future mistakes. (The mistake spiral.)

When your work is greeted with silence punctuated only by negative feedback, it can be difficult to be confident. In order to dig out of this pit, you have to start pursuing additional facts and facing some new realities.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. No one else in your professional orbit is perfect.

The first step in getting through insecurity is to get your head out of your @$$ and get some perspective. You are not perfect and neither is anyone around you. We all make mistakes in our practice and we all especially make mistakes when we were just starting out. Do not allow yourself one F-ing moment to believe anything else. No one has it easier than you — what does that even mean?! — and everyone is learning. You are not a special snowflake. You will make mistakes just like everyone else. Get over it.

Seek and ye shall receive!

Recognize that lawyers are busy myopic beings. We focus on the dumpster fire at hand and leave little room for much else. That means that normal, professional courtesies go out the window. Providing constructive feedback is not likely at the top of their priority list so if you want more constructive feedback, you are going to have to ask for it. You are not at the mercy of your bosses or your work. Constructive feedback is not parade candy — you don’t have to sit back and hope that they throw some your way. Get out there and rip the candy out of their miserly little hands! When you receive negative feedback, it is perfectly acceptable to ask if there were other aspects of the project that DID go well that you can continue to improve upon.

Schedule periodic check-ins following/during large projects to see how you are doing.

Ask the questions — am I on par with where you would want me to be? Are there areas where I excel? What other areas can I improve upon?

If you don’t start taking ownership of your career and asking for the type of feedback that you want, you will be left in a vacuum of negative feedback and nothing more. You will be at the mercy of your bosses’ individual experiences–whatever is happening in their lives behind the scenes that may or may not play a role in the ass-chewing you just received. You have to seek out more information. You have to seek out both sides of the story. Remember that we all have a bias toward negativity so you are going to have to work to gather information on the other side of the story.

Any feedback is a sign of their investment in you

Focus on the fact that they are giving you feedback; it is a sign that they are invested in your growth and improvement. The only time I withheld feedback — negative or positive — was when I had concluded that the attorney was a lost cause, a bad fit. If they are giving you feedback it means they know you can improve. At some level they believe in you. Do not overlook that fact.

Be honest with yourself

When you find yourself reeling after some negative feedback and it is making it difficult to execute any task, start focusing on your internal self-talk. Listen to the things you are telling yourself. Ask yourself why you are having a hard time moving forward. Usually it sounds something like this: You can’t mess up again; he thinks you’re idiot; how did you miss that? What the hell happened?  You are never going to do a good job from that headspace. If your friend had received the same feedback, would you let them talk to themselves the same way?

If the reason you aren’t sending that email is because you are afraid of messing up again — send the damn email. Do not let your fear of more negative feedback impede your success. Accept that negative feedback is part of it and allow yourself to be open to the possibility that you are, in fact, good at your job — if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there. Recognize that the reason you aren’t sending the email, finishing the project, whatever is, is because you are afraid. Is that a good reason to delay? Do you feel good about letting some vibration in your body (fear) keep you from doing your best work?

Recognize your fear and your negative self-talk and start being honest with yourself about where your real work lies. When you allow negative feedback to paralyze you it’s because of what you are making that feedback mean about yourself. It means that you have more work to do.

Get support

Whether you sign up to work with me or not, the fact of the matter is that we all need support to do hard things. From professional athletes to CEOs, they all have a support team. Find yours. Whether it’s a mentor, an affinity group, or a close friend, find someone who will help you keep a clear perspective on things. Free support is available all around you. Find it and stop twisting in the wind.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

The truth underneath that notion is that when we allow ourselves to delay action until it can be done perfectly, we are really just trying to protect ourselves from failure.

But what I often see happening is that perfectionism morphs into complete inaction; permission to remain in place. I’m not ready to move forward yet so I’m just going to stay where I am.

It is not logical to believe that we can plan everything to such an extent that we can eliminate all risk of failure.

You are going to have to risk failure if you are ever going to act.

Those that work with me regularly know that I believe perfectionism is for scared people and I’m not the only one who objects to perfectionist tendencies. Perfectionism is a just a prettier word for self-protection.

While I agree that we must all act in a manner that protects ourselves in the highest sense, that self-protective impulse is not relevant when it comes to commonplace activities — applying for a new job, reaching out for support, finishing a large project, sending an email. So many of us apply that self-preservation impulse to those every day tasks and the net result is that we don’t apply for the job, we never reach out for support, and we agonize over the tiniest details of projects and simple emails. Our work takes longer and our emotional fortitude wanes.

When we allow ourselves to linger in preparation mode rather than simply acting, not only do we prolong our current state (assuming we will EVENTUALLY act, which is not always the case, some of us prepare indefinitely) but we rob ourselves of the opportunity to create self-confidence.

Self-confidence is not something we are born with; it is something we create for ourselves.

How do we build it? We take action and fail and develop the ability to move forward despite the failure. When we know we can survive failure, heartache, embarrassment, shame, humiliation and all the other fantastic emotions that accompany failure, we learn to trust ourselves. We realize that we can weather any storm, overcome all those negative emotions. In that experience we develop confidence in ourselves because we know we can do and survive anything that comes our way.

Naturally, that means that in order to become more confident, we must fail. We must take action and set ourselves up to experience failure. If we don’t ever experience failure and adversity, how can we learn to trust in our ability to do and survive anything?

If we play it safe forever, allowing ourselves to linger in preparation so that when we do act, we can act perfectly (as if that ever really works) we prevent ourselves from simply acting and taking the chance that we might fail.

At the same time, we rob ourselves of the possibility that we might act and do it perfectly the first time. It just might work out! All those details you wants to distress over and sift through might never even matter. But you won’t know until you take the risk.

When we linger in preparation we imply that it is possible to know exactly what is needed for success and what is necessary to prevent failure. That is ridiculous.  If that were true, our lives would be very different. The truth is that we never know what will work or won’t work until we start acting and learning all the things that didn’t work.

When my clients explain to me why they aren’t taking action on things or why they are taking so long to complete their work, I challenge them to experiment with the concept of B- work. What if you allowed yourself to present B- work where it was warranted? What if you allowed yourself to recognize that sometimes done is actually better than perfect? What if you accepted that all the minutia, all those nagging second-guessing thoughts might not actually be important to the overall project? What if a client wants a B- answer and doesn’t want to pay for a A+ dissertation-worthy response?

What is the worst that could happen if you just committed to acting and stopped second-guessing?

Embarrassment…shame,…guilt…?

Those are all just vibrations in your body, caused by your thoughts. YOU and how you talk to yourself when things don’t go as planned, THAT is what causes those emotions.

The beauty of it all is that you control those thoughts and you can decide what you want to make it mean when your commitment to action is met with failure. 

It doesn’t have to mean that you are a failure or that you aren’t cut out for your job. It could simply mean that you learned how to not do something; you can add that learning to your arsenal, practice experiencing the feelings of embarrassment of guilt and just keep moving.

Without acceptance of failure, you will never create meaningful success. The price for success is repetitious failure. The process of repetitious failure creates self-confidence. What do you have to lose?

Are you wanting to take action but can’t figure out how to get moving? One session can make all the difference. Sign up for free session and get started creating the life you really want.

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As attorneys, we can become so paranoid about making a mistake that we put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves. Our minds are filled with nonstop nasty chatter:

Don’t make another mistake

You have to get this right

This has to be perfect this time

You can’t miss anything this time

They all think you are an idiot

Maybe you shouldn’t have become a lawyer

You don’t have what it takes

Not only are you frustrated over the last mistake but now all that noise makes it even more difficult to focus and do a good job.

As a partner, I always knew when an associate was spinning in this fear. They were taking longer to do everything. They were agonizing over the smallest details. The result of all their mental berating was that they usually ended up missing the big picture and billing a ton of time in the process. What’s more, those associates rarely reached out for help before they got too deep. It was incredibility frustrating.

When you spin in self-doubt, self-judgment and pressure to do everything perfectly, you are demonstrating to those around you that you have some doubts about your ability to do it right. When you allow one mistake to send you into a tailspin, it makes it difficult for those around you to have confidence that you believe in your abilities; that you can handle feedback or that you can operate under pressure.

What’s more, that self-doubt spiral convinces you that you can’t reach out and ask questions for fear that it will affirm to others that you DON’T know what you are doing. You end up going down rabbit holes and over-analyzing the wrong details. Ultimately, everyone’s time is wasted and the project drags on.

How’s that working out for your work relationships or your confidence?

It is a never-ending death spiral of self-fulfilling prophecies.

What’s so interesting to me is that below the surface of all these thoughts and pressure is the belief that this path was easier for everyone else. That others didn’t struggle as much as you are.

Why are you choosing to believe that your struggles are special?

Why are you allowing your growth and development to be a sign that you are broken?

Consider the possibility that those around you similarly struggled. You don’t know that they didn’t yet you are CHOOSING to believe that is the case.

At this point in your career, I think we can ALL agree that law school doesn’t teach you how to be a lawyer. Your legal education was no different than anyone else’s. All attorneys wander the morass and confusion fog for YEARS before it clicks. You are not special in this regard!

The root of all those self-doubts and mistake spirals is the ultimate fear of failure. Below each overworked project and overly analyzed email is the fear of what it means when you make a mistake. And further, what it means if you keep making mistakes:

You can’t hack it.

You weren’t meant to be an attorney.

You made a mistake.

You shouldn’t be here.

That sneaky little worry is bubbling below the surface of all of those self conscious acts. You are afraid that those mistakes, when taken in total, are an indication that you can’t do this. From there, you build up these crazy expectations of perfection and try to think clearly and rationally from a place of frenzied panic and tremendous pressure.

It’s no wonder you keep making mistakes! How the hell are you supposed to do a good job when all you are thinking about is how you aren’t doing a good job? It’s madness!

Perfectionism is for scared people.

Repeat that phrase. Live it. Breathe it. Believe it.

When you try to mold yourself into some perfect “out-of-the-box” ready to perform, legal wizard you are setting yourself up for failure.

Law school does not prepare you to practice law. Welcome to the first phase of your life where there are no clear guidelines, metrics are fuzzy, and you have to just start trusting that you are doing it right.

Stop beating yourself up for signing up for the “on site” education that is the practice of law. That is how it works. Allow yourself to experience the process of learning on the job just like every associate attorney on the planet.

One small mistake does not mean that you are not cut out to be a lawyer. Do not let that mistake stoke the fires of fear and propel you into a frenzy.

You are a human. You will mess up.

Welcome to the party.

You want to do a good job and you want to improve and that is commendable. But first, you must do a good job for yourself. Honor the process of on-the-job development. Recognize that you don’t know it all and THAT IS OKAY. No one does.

Second, ditch your ridiculous expectations for yourself and get to work learning how to trust yourself and your judgment despite some bumps in the road.

Besides, what’s the alternative?

Where is all this worrying and fear getting you? What does it hurt to loosen up a bit and just keep rolling with the punches and using each mistake as a learning opportunity? An opportunity to honor yourself, have your own back, and learn.

The only thing you are learning when you continually run the cycle of negative self-talk is how to treat yourself terribly.

There isn’t room for much more and there certainly isn’t room left for growth. Recognize where your current patterns are leading you and decide if that is what you want. The choice is yours.

I help my clients get more confidence, roll with the punches, and have some compassion for themselves. Sound like something your practice is missing? Get some free support now and see what we can do together.

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I recently had a mini-session where my client was telling me that she needed an entire day to complete one of the tasks on her action plan. When I challenged her to constrain herself and do it in half the time, we discovered that her reasoning for this conclusion was it would take an entire day to “do it right” and to make sure that it was “perfect.”

We do this all the time. We convince ourselves that we must complete something to perfection before we can move on to the next step.

We can’t ask for a raise until we are able to conduct our work with perfection. We aren’t going to offer to speak at a conference until we have a full mastery of the underlying material. We don’t want to take that expert deposition until we have done simpler depositions perfectly.

We carry around this faulty belief that there is no sense in doing something unless you can do it flawlessly.

Can you imagine where we would be if everyone followed that logic?! If everyone was afraid to massively fail on the way to success?

Consider Thomas Edison and his endeavors to create artificial light: “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”

The real motivation behind this perfectionism is the avoidance of failure.

If we believe we can’t act until we can do it perfectly, then we don’t have to do anything until we know we can do it without failure. We don’t have to face any criticism of our imperfections until we have a foolproof plan to avoid criticism. We can spend our entire lives building up to those perfect skills and never getting there: we never take any risks so we never fail.

“Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.”

Confucius

Perfectionism is a way to stay stuck. To convince yourself that your efforts are noble. You simply want to do it right and you can’t move forward until you do that. It seems valid. It seems reasonable. But this is simply fear masquerading in a more “honorable” outfit. The fear of failure, dressed as perfectionism.

Perfectionism is for scared people.

The truth is that you don’t want to face any criticism.

It’s easier to tell yourself you are only going to do it if you can “do it right” than it is to be honest with yourself and admit that you don’t want to experience failure or criticism. Most people avoid criticism because they have a practiced habit of endorsing the criticism. They agree with the criticism and interpret the feedback to mean that they are a failure.

When you allow criticism to mean that you can’t do it, of course you are going to try and avoid criticism!

Enter the myth of perfectionism to distract you from what’s really going on.

Don’t jump teams and join your critics by default. Don’t let failures mean anything about you. Don’t let the words of critics hold you back. Criticism from others has more to do with the other person than with you!

You can decide to receive criticism however you want. Consider allowing it to mean that you are learning and always improving (because you are a human and “to err is HUMAN”).

If you committed to doing everything 80% and moving on, how different would your life be? How much more could you accomplish?

People may criticize your B+ work. People may NOT criticize your B+ work. You won’t know until you stop trying to manufacture A+ work before putting anything out there. You can always go back and make something better but you won’t know what is “better” until you start trying and learning.

Besides, just because you conclude something is perfect, doesn’t mean no one will criticize it. Spinning on things until they are perfect, does not “save” you from criticism.

That is a lie you are telling yourself to keep you safe. To keep you stuck.

Don’t convince yourself that perfect is something to strive for. It’s all subjective.

Don’t allow the myth of perfection to keep you stuck.

Success only comes from trying and failing repeatedly. Not from sitting on the sidelines theorizing about how to best do something.

Strive for continuous improvement, instead of perfection. ― Kim Collins

Get out there are start failing. You can’t learn how to handle critics if you never do anything noteworthy.

Think your perfectionism is serving you? Let’s see what’s really going on. What are you afraid of?

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Too often we subscribe to the notion that there is a right way to “do life.”

I had a client named Grace who had a knack for setting and achieving huge goals. She had tremendous success in her life but periodically found herself spinning with indecision and inaction. When I asked her what was going on in her head she said that she was stuck in a “battle of shoulds”… “I should be focusing on my business but at the same time I should be focusing on my relationship and also making time to remodel and sell my house.”

When I pressed her to explain what the problem was, it wasn’t simply a matter of stress or feeling overwhelmed. Instead, her predominant feeling was guilt. She was swimming in shame and guilt and it was paralyzing her.

As we worked through her thoughts, we uncovered a deep-seated and oppressive set of expectations she had placed upon herself. In her manual for herself, she was not supposed to be stressed. She was supposed to be able to handle everything in stride without batting an eyelash. She was not supposed to be overwhelmed despite the convergence of some very monumental events in her life—she was moving and selling a home and creating a new business and starting a new relationship and starting a new job all at the same time. She was “supposed” to be able to compartmentalize her life and schedule everything out in an orderly fashion for maximum efficiencies. She was “supposed to” have enough time to focus on everything. And do it with a smile on her face.

As she was struggling to juggle it all and take it in stride, she was beating herself up for being exhausted and worn out. She was unwilling to recognize that her life was changing significantly and that it would be a challenge to keep it all in play. She was unwilling to cut herself some slack even just for a few weeks while everything else got sorted. She was vehemently resisting the chaos and pushing back against the stress she was feeling. She was so hard on herself and had put such incredible expectations on herself that she was just swimming in guilt and self-deprecation.

She should be doing better…handling this better…getting everything done…shouldn’t be feeling like this etc. She was truly invested in her belief that she should be able to handle it all without any problem at all and without taking anything off her ‘to do’ list. When I asked her why it bothered her so much to allow some things to go to the back burner for a few weeks while she carried out some of these transitions, she said doing so made her feel like a failure. Like she was a quitter. She felt guilty for giving up. She should be able to do it all.

Guilt is the flower that grows from self-judgment. Life is not always going to lend itself to perfect order. Sometimes it’s messy and chaotic. That is life.

By struggling against that reality, you invite yourself to judge yourself. To judge your ability to “handle it.” People get so stuck in the thoughts that It shouldn’t be like this, it should be easier. They blame themselves when things get hard and they struggle. Those self-judgments create ugly emotions that inhibit our ability to work through life’s challenges with grace and dignity. When we indulge in those emotions, we fail to grow from life’s challenges. This is the emotional equivalent of putting our heads in the sand.

Grace wanted to show up strong and compassionate and flexible—willing to ride the rollercoaster and do her best to keep everything moving. To accept that challenge and recognize that it might be stressful and tiring and that was okay. To bend but not break in the middle of the hurricane. To allow things to give where necessary.

That was far from her reality. Instead she was beating herself up for the struggle and challenges she was facing. She felt shameful and depressive because she believed It shouldn’t be this hard, I should be able to handle it. She was not riding the waves of change but instead she was drowning in them because her guilt and shame kept her from making any real progress.

By simply bringing awareness to the “manual” she was maintaining for herself, Grace was able to cultivate thoughts of compassion and love for herself. She approached herself gently and accepted that these next few weeks could not be reduced to a simple schedule. She opened herself up to the unknown and approached her life from a place of peace and love, accepting the challenges as they came.

Embrace uncertainty but do not take guilt and self-judgment along for the journey. Allow yourself to let go and loosen up and ride the waves. Life was never meant to be calm waters all the time.

This year, make a resolution to be kinder to yourself. To love yourself and have compassion for yourself, including your weaknesses. Choose to make an investment in you.

Cheers to a new year!

“There are two types of pains – one that hurts you and one that changes you.”

Jealousy is such an unpleasant emotion. It communicates to us that we are losing at this game of life. That someone is getting something better than we are getting. That the hand we were dealt is less than. It’s not fair.

All of those thoughts that drive the feeling of jealousy set us on a path of bitterness and anger. The actions that result from those types feelings serve only to confirm that we are, in fact, lacking in some way.

When you think I wish I had their life, why can’t I have their luck, why don’t those things ever happen to me, we lash out at the people around us, we show up to our jobs and relationships disappointed and wanting them to be different. We disconnect, we do the bare minimum, we don’t take actions that would generate success or create the life we wish we had and think we deserve. The net result is that we create a life that is not what we would like it to be. Simply by carrying those thoughts around, we set ourselves up to fail. We create a life that is less than.

The actions that will create the life we want, the type of life we are JEALOUS of, will not be created from a place of anger, jealousy, and bitterness about your current state. You must shift away from thoughts of jealousy if you truly want to create the life of your dreams.

Instead of looking to the lives of others and being jealous about their accomplishments or possessions, why not look to others as sources of inspiration. If they can do it, I can do it. I could do something like that. I am lucky to have someone like that in my life to inspire me and who can provide me with support to achieve the same thing. From those thoughts, we can generate feelings of hope, motivation and excitement about our future. From that space, we can create anything we want.

The people we encounter in our lives are there for a reason. Rather than seeing people as “more fortunate” that we are, consider what they are in your life to teach you. Maybe they are there to be an example of what’s possible. If so, you are missing a great opportunity and a potential teacher by choosing jealousy.

Clean up your thoughts. Stop being a victim of luck. Get inspired by others and stop indulging in jealousy—it is only delaying the creation of your dream.

Are you ready to take your life to the next level? Work with me and let’s create the life you have been dreaming about.