The answer lies in a mix of biology, psychology, and societal influence. By understanding the roots of our inner critic, we can begin to quiet that voice and replace it with one that empowers us instead.

The Biological Roots of Self-Criticism

Our tendency to be hard on ourselves is partly due to evolutionary survival mechanisms. Early humans needed to be hyper-aware of threats and mistakes to survive. This vigilance extended inward: by analyzing what went wrong, they could learn and adapt to avoid future danger.

This is where the brain’s negativity bias comes into play. Neuroscientist Dr. Rick Hanson explains that our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. Negative memories and criticisms stick because they are processed more deeply, helping us stay alert to potential threats.

However, in today’s world, most of us aren’t navigating life-or-death situations. Yet, our brain’s hardwiring remains the same, leading us to dwell excessively on our perceived failures and flaws.

The Psychology of Self-Criticism

Self-criticism is also shaped by psychological factors like self-esteem, upbringing, and personality traits.

• Social Comparison
  Psychologist Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory suggests that we evaluate ourselves based on comparisons to others. While this can motivate us to improve, it often backfires in a world dominated by social media. We compare our messy, behind-the-scenes lives to the highlight reels others post, leading to feelings of inadequacy.

• Perfectionism
  Perfectionists are especially hard on themselves because they equate their worth with their achievements. Research by Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett has shown that perfectionism is linked to higher levels of anxiety, depression, and self-criticism. When perfectionists fall short of their impossible standards, they berate themselves mercilessly.

• Internalized Voices
  Our inner critic often mimics the voices we heard growing up. If parents, teachers, or peers frequently pointed out flaws or emphasized achievement, we may internalize those expectations. This doesn’t mean those individuals intended harm—it’s simply how our brain learns to self-regulate by mirroring external feedback.

Societal Pressure and the Culture of “More”

Modern society plays a significant role in why we’re so hard on ourselves.

• The Hustle Mentality: There’s an unspoken expectation to be constantly productive, successful, and improving. This leaves little room for rest or imperfection.
• Achievement as Identity: In cultures where worth is tied to accomplishments, falling short can feel like a personal failure rather than a natural part of life.
• Beauty and Success Standards: Unrealistic standards perpetuated by media and advertising fuel feelings of “never being enough.”

The Cost of Being Hard on Ourselves

While some self-criticism can be constructive, excessive self-criticism takes a toll on mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.

• Mental Health: Chronic self-criticism is linked to anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Studies from Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, show that self-criticism activates the brain’s fight-or-flight response, creating unnecessary stress.
• Relationships: Being overly hard on ourselves can lead to strained relationships. We might project our insecurities onto others, withdraw, or struggle with trust and vulnerability.
• Performance: Ironically, while we may believe self-criticism pushes us to do better, it often has the opposite effect. Dr. Neff’s research found that self-compassion—not self-criticism—is a better predictor of resilience, motivation, and performance.

How to Break Free from Self-Criticism

The good news is that we can rewire our brains and shift our relationship with ourselves. Here’s how:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
   Dr. Neff suggests treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend. When you notice your inner critic, pause and ask: “Would I say this to someone I care about?” If not, reframe the thought in a more compassionate way.
2. Reframe Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
   Instead of seeing mistakes as evidence of inadequacy, view them as valuable feedback. Neuroscience shows that adopting a growth mindset, as championed by Dr. Carol Dweck, helps us embrace challenges and persist despite setbacks.
3. Limit Social Comparisons
   Be mindful of how often you compare yourself to others. If social media triggers feelings of inadequacy, consider curating your feed to follow accounts that inspire rather than drain you.
4. Focus on Process, Not Perfection
   Shift your focus from outcomes to effort. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge progress, even if it’s imperfect.
5. Seek Support
   Sometimes, breaking free from self-criticism requires outside help. Therapy or coaching can provide tools to understand and challenge unhelpful thought patterns.

A New Way Forward

Being hard on ourselves may feel like second nature, but it’s not inevitable. By understanding the roots of self-criticism and actively practicing self-compassion, we can quiet our inner critic and make room for self-acceptance.

Remember, you are not your mistakes or shortcomings. You are a work in progress, deserving of kindness and grace.

Let’s leave the harsh judgments behind and step into a new year of self-love, growth, and possibility.

Get Support!

If this resonates with you and you’re ready to reframe your inner narrative, let’s connect. Schedule a free consultation or explore my on-demand resources designed to help you cultivate self-compassion and live authentically.

Because you deserve to thrive—inside and out.

Photo by Photo By: Kaboompics.com

(Never! ) We’ve all been there, twiddling our thumbs while the to-do list mocks us from across the room. But fear not, fellow dawdlers! With a sprinkle of self-awareness and a dash of humor, we can navigate the murky waters of procrastination. Buckle up as we dive into the wild rationale behind our delightful delays.

Why do we procrastinate? Research suggests it boils down to some of the following factors:

1. Fear of Failure: Some delay tasks to avoid the potential of making mistakes or facing criticism, especially when they feel the work must be perfect.
2. Task Overwhelm: Large or complex tasks can feel daunting, leading people to avoid starting altogether.
3. Lack of Motivation: When tasks feel tedious or lack personal significance, people tend to put them off.
4. Reward Delay: If the rewards of completing a task are distant or unclear, people may prioritize instant gratification over long-term gains.
5. Indecisiveness: Difficulty making decisions or clarifying steps can also contribute, as people avoid starting without a clear plan.

Procrastination often results from a blend of these factors, making it a challenging habit to break without addressing root causes. Taking all of these factors into account, here’s a peek at how this often plays out in the legal profession and how we can use this awareness to fix it:

Blame It on Biology, Baby!

First things first, let’s point the finger at the primary perpetrator—biology. Our motivational triad drives us to seek please (hello, Instagram!) and avoid pain (not today, massive project!) even to our own detriment. When faced with a daunting task, our brains whip out their best escape routes faster than you can say “deadline panic.”

In the case of daunting projects, demanding bosses, and frustrating clients, our brain screams, “Run for your life!” But instead of sprinting away, we end up binge-watching cat videos or obsessively scrolling through TikTok. (Because let’s be honest, sprinting really isn’t in my vocabulary these days…)

For my fellow lawyers, some partners and clients might as well be the literal hungry lions of our biological nightmares. When you’re avoiding a project, it’s not just laziness—it’s your inner survival instincts kicking into overdrive. Here’s what that might sound like:

• I’m not going to get this right and she’s going to flip out.
• I don’t know how to figure this out, and he’s probably going to fire me when I mess up.
• I can’t stand working for this client; I can’t trust anything they tell me.
• I’m so nervous, I cannot botch this project.
• Why bother with this project, he always redoes my work anyway because it’s never right.
• I hate working for this partner; I really don’t want to do this.
• This is going to be miserable.

These thoughts set the stage for a fear-fueled procrastination parade.

And just as we start to spiral into the abyss of avoidance, the Procrastination Fairy swoops in with shiny distractions:

• Starbucks has a new latte you need to try!
• Have you checked out your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook page lately?
• You really need to order a dress for new year’s eve to kick off your new year properly!

Ah, yes, the classic lure of instant gratification. Instead of tackling the task at hand, we’re off indulging in endorphin-guzzling activities that make our brains do a happy dance. It’s the ultimate form of self-sabotage—pleasant on the surface, but oh-so-detrimental in the long run.

Deadline Panic

 
Just when you’ve bought THE BEST dress for NYE and you think you’ve fully mastered the art of procrastination, the deadline looms ominously on the horizon and crashes the party. Suddenly, all those little fears about failing the project morph into one gigantic fear of not finishing on time and our brains conjure images of:

• SHOUTY CAPS emails raining down like angry meteorites.
• Missed deadlines turn into a career dumpster fire and you sleeping on your parents’ couch for the foreseeable future.

And there you are, scrambling like a headless chicken, trying to finish the project at lightning speed. The result? A chaotic, slapshod, final product that likely misses the mark – or at least partially. Instead of showcasing your brilliance, you end up creating more proof that maybe you aren’t cut out for this, even more reasons for those around you to doubt your abilities, and more reasons for you to fear the next project.

Fear: The Master Puppeteer

All this chaos boils down to one tiny, pesky emotion: fear. We procrastinate to dodge negative feelings, only to let bigger fears kick us into high gear later on. It’s like avoiding a fender bender only to drive off a cliff later on. Not the best strategy for success.

So, how do we break free from this fear-driven procrastination loop? Here are a few tips to try out:

1. Treat Your Ears: Listen to my latest podcast exploring perfectionism which, as you can see, is at the heart of our procrastinating ways!
2. Embrace B- Work: Accept that sometimes “good enough” is just fine and perhaps DONE really is better than PERFECT in most instances.
3. Visualize Success: Picture yourself acing the project and rewarding yourself for your success.
4. Break Tasks into Smaller Steps: Large tasks can feel overwhelming. Divide them into smaller, manageable parts to make starting easier.
5. Set Short Deadlines: Create immediate, achievable deadlines instead of waiting until the last minute.
6. Use the “Two-Minute Rule”: Start a task for just two minutes. Often, this small action reduces resistance to completing it.
7. Identify the Root Cause: Recognize if fear of failure, lack of clarity, or motivation is holding you back and address it directly.
8. Reward Yourself: Set rewards for completing tasks to boost motivation and create a positive association with getting things done. “I’ll spend 30 minutes checking out this horrible project and then I’ll creep on my ex’s Facebook for a hot minute.” Motivation, entertainment, and positive reinforcement? Yes, please!
9. Use Tools for Focus: Apps or techniques like the Pomodoro Technique can help you stay focused and track your time efficiently.

Making gradual changes with these techniques can help build consistency and reduce procrastination.

Fear Not!

At the end of the day, procrastination is just fear in a cute outfit. By recognizing the biological and psychological dance that leads us astray, we can start taking back control.

We have to start getting honest with ourselves about why we are procrastinating to begin with. Once we get to the root of fear, we can ask whether we like that reasoning. Furthermore, we can acknowledge how this story will end if we choose to invest in that fear and go down the Facebook rabbit-hole instead. All of the above tools to combat procrastination only require one thing from you: honesty. Honesty with yourself about your actions and your justifications. From there, all you have to do is ask yourself whether you like your reasons for acting or not acting and make a new, informed, honest choice about your next steps. Those are the choices that will determine the type of person you become — one who procrastinates or one who doesn’t. The choice is ultimately yours and all that matters is whether you are comfortable with your reasoning.

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things.” – Gene Hayden

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

As lawyers, we’re no strangers to stress, it is an inevitable (required?) part of life. But learning how to manage it effectively can significantly improve your mental and physical well-being. In today’s post, I’m sharing some simple yet powerful strategies to help you calm down when feeling stressed — these strategies are tested and proven to work for all busy women but especially attorneys. (We’re keeping it REAL simple around here!)

Trying not to cry? Fighting off a rage quit? These tools are available to you with minimal effort:

Deep Breathing

Deep breathing exercises help you center yourself and reduce the physiological effects of stress. Try one of these popular methods:

Try the 4-7-8 breathing technique:

Inhale for 4 seconds through your nose,

Hold your breath for 7 seconds,

Exhale slowly for 8 seconds through your mouth.

Try Square Breathing:

Also known as box breathing, this is equally simple and effective. It involves structured breathing in a rhythmic pattern that calms the nervous system.

Steps for Square Breathing:

Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of 4.

Hold your breath for a count of 4.

Exhale slowly through your mouth for 4.

Hold for 4 seconds before repeating.

Visualization: While doing square breathing, imagine tracing the sides of a square in your mind. This can help you stay focused and relaxed.

You can repeat the process as many times as necessary, typically for 3-5 minutes, until you feel more relaxed. It’s especially useful in moments of acute stress or anxiety.

Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques connect you with the present moment, pulling your focus away from stressful thoughts and physical sensations. There are two main kinds of grounding:

Earthing Grounding Based in Physics: This method is a therapeutic technique that involves doing activities that “ground” or electrically reconnect you to the earth. This practice relies on earthing science and grounding physics to explain how electrical charges from the earth can have positive effects on your body.

Try out Earth Grounding:

This can be as simple as walking barefoot on grass, lying down outdoors, or using grounding tools like grounding mats, sheets, blankets, socks, bands.

Psychological Grounding: Engage your senses to bring yourself back to the present. These techniques work by grounding you in the present moment and pulling you away from intrusive thoughts or feelings. In this way, you not only have your “feet on the ground” but also your “mind on the ground.” By turning our attention away from racing thoughts or worries, refocus on the present moment.

Try out Psychological Grounding:

The 5-4-3-2-1 technique:

Name 5 things you can see.

Name 4 things you can touch.

Name 3 things you can hear.

Name 2 things you can smell.

Name 1 thing you can taste.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR)

PMR is an effective way to reduce physical tension and psychological stress by alternately tensing and relaxing muscle groups throughout your body, from your toes to your head. When we tense our muscles before relaxing them, you enable yourself to relax them more thoroughly after you release them. This helps to more effectively release pent-up physical stress and leaves you feeling more relaxed overall.

Try out PMR:

Tense each muscle group for 5-10 seconds.

Release and relax that muscle group for 20-30 seconds before moving to the next.

Mindful Meditation

(You knew this coming!) Mindfulness meditation involves training your mind to focus on the present moment. This can help reduce racing thoughts and create a sense of calm. If you are new to meditation techniques, check out my podcast episode Meditation 101: Benefits and Basics to learn more about starting your own meditation practice.

Try out Mindful Meditation:

Sit quietly and focus on your breathing.

When your mind wanders, gently guide it back to your breath or a point of focus. Even a few minutes of mindful meditation can lower stress levels and promote relaxation.

Need help? Check out the Lawyer Life Podcast’s 5-minute meditation series, released every other Wednesday!

Move Your Legs!

Go for a walk. Taking a short walk, especially in nature, can reduce anxiety, depression, and even boost creativity. Studies have shown that just 10 minutes of walking can improve focus and elevate your mood. Try incorporating walking into your daily routine to manage stress more effectively.

Write it Out

Journaling allows you to process and express your emotions in a healthy way. In fact, 2018 research shows that writing down our deepest feelings and thoughts can improve our physical and psychological well-being. Writing down your thoughts can help you gain clarity, identify stress triggers, and manage your feelings.

Benefits of Journaling:

Identify fears and worried thinking that is causing stress or anxiety

Recognize triggers that exacerbate feelings of stress

Practice positive self-talk to build your confidence

Identify and reduce unhelpful thoughts and behaviors

Improves overall mental health by recognizing and addressing unhelpful thoughts.

Try out Journaling:

Write down your thoughts and feelings at this moment. Getting them out of your head and onto paper can provide relief and clarity.

Visualization

Visualization is a very simple relaxation technique that involves using your imagination to access positive feelings such as peacefulness, confidence, or motivation. Visualization can also help reduce feelings of nervousness.

Visualization involves creating a mental image of a peaceful or positive scenario, such as a tranquil beach, a personal goal, or a feeling of self-compassion.

Try out Visualization:

Close your eyes and imagine a serene scene that makes you feel calm and relaxed.

Focus on sensory details: sights, sounds, smells, and feelings.

Visualization can reduce the flight-or-fight response and ease nervousness, bringing a sense of peace.

Stretching

Stretching helps release muscle tension and improves your range of motion, posture, and overall relaxation. Incorporating stretches into your daily routine, especially at work, can reduce pain by up to 72%.

Try out Stretching:

Simple stretches for the neck, shoulders, and back can have immediate calming effects. A simple search on YouTube can help you find an office stretch routine that suits your needs and/or areas of pain.

Music or Sound Therapy

Confession: I have meditation or targeted hertz level music playing for at least 8 hours every day: my husband hates tolerates it, but I’m obsessed. Did you know that listening to calming music, nature sounds, or binaural beats can soothe your nervous system and reduce stress?!

But let’s take this even farter: Solfeggio frequencies, which range from 174 Hz to 963 Hz, have been found to generate vibrations in the body that promote relaxation, balance, and emotional well-being.

Interesting Fact: Ancient theories suggest that certain frequencies have the power to heal and even affect DNA positively. You can experiment with different frequencies and music styles to find what relaxes you the most.

Try it out:

You can easily search for healing/Solfeggio frequency playlists on Spotify and other music providers. My favorites: Pineal Glad Activation 963 Hz for your third eye chakra & healing + cleansing frequencies.

Hydrate and Nourish

Dehydration can intensify stress and anxiety. Basically, when you’re dehydrated, your body is stressed, and when you’re stressed your brain releases stress hormones, setting off a chain reaction of the stress response in your body.

Drinking water or eating a small, healthy snack can calm your physical stress responses. Staying hydrated helps your body stay balanced and less reactive to stress triggers.

These simple tools can help you manage daily stress and bring you back into a state of balance. Whether it’s deep breathing, grounding, stretching, or simply listening to relaxing sounds, incorporating these practices into your routine can make a significant difference in your overall well-being.

Try it out: Begin each day with a hydration plan — you do NOT need to carry a gallon jug around all day. Calculate your daily water intake goal and determine how many refills you need during your day to get there. Track your daily progress each day — habit tracker, anyone?

Be nice to yourself, mmmkay? When facing failure, it’s easy to be overly critical of ourselves. However, practicing self-compassion is essential for maintaining motivation. If we ever want to get back on the horse, we have to start being nicer to ourselves. As you know, failures and setbacks are a necessary part of life and are essential to building confidence and resilience. So instead of berating yourself for mistakes or setbacks, acknowledge your feelings with kindness and understanding. Recognize that everyone around you has experienced failure at some point, and it doesn’t define your worth or capabilities. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend facing a similar situation.

Check out the facts. In moments of self-doubt, it can be helpful to reflect on past successes. Remind yourself of challenges you’ve overcome and goals you’ve achieved in the past. Your negativity bias is going to overlook all of that data in the face of failure but we can’t let that be the whole story! Reflecting on these accomplishments can reignite your confidence and remind you of your resilience. Use these past successes as evidence of your ability to overcome obstacles and persevere in the face of adversity.

Let in support. Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or mentors for support during challenging times. Talking to someone you trust can provide a fresh perspective, valuable advice, or simply a listening ear. They might even share some of their own past failures with you to help you maintain perspective. Surround yourself with positive and supportive individuals (pick me!) who believe in your abilities and encourage you to keep going. Seeking support is a sign of strength, not weakness and allowing that kind of authenticity into your relationships will only make them stronger.

See every setback as simply a break. Instead of viewing failure as a final outcome, reframe it as a learning opportunity where you can take stock and chart a more informed course forward. Every setback invariably contains valuable lessons that can help you better tackle the path ahead. An honest post-mortem will allow you to reflect on what went wrong and identify areas for improvement. Use this newfound knowledge to adjust your approach and try again with renewed determination. Embracing failure as a natural part of the learning process can shift your perspective and motivate you to keep pushing forward. It’s not the end, it’s just a pause where you can take stock before started again, better informed.

Be present! When feeling overwhelmed by past failures or anxious about future outcomes, focus on the present moment. Practice mindfulness techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, or yoga to center yourself and quiet your mind. By bringing your attention to the here and now, you can cultivate a sense of calm and clarity. Being present will stop the catastrophizing and help you connect to the here and now through a different lens. This can help you break free from negative thought patterns and regain the motivation to take action in the present moment.

Remember your why. Understanding your underlying motivations is key to sustaining long-term action. Whatever your “failure” or misstep relates to, ask yourself why it’s important to you. What do you hope to achieve? How will achieving these goals improve your life or the lives of others? Connecting deeply with your underlying values and aspirations can fuel your drive and keep you focused during challenging times and setbacks.

Practice gratitude. Your mindset plays a crucial role in shaping your motivation levels. Cultivate a positive and optimistic outlook by focusing on what you can control rather than dwelling on setbacks or obstacles. Practice gratitude for the progress you’ve made and maintain a belief in your ability to overcome challenges. Surround yourself with positive influences, whether it’s supportive friends, inspirational books, or motivational quotes.

Keep going, incrementally. Large, intimidating goals can often lead to feelings of overwhelm that result in procrastination. Break down your goals into smaller, more manageable steps, and focus on taking consistent action each day. Celebrate your progress along the way, no matter how small, and use each small victory as momentum to propel you forward. By focusing on incremental progress, you’ll build confidence and momentum over time.

Focus on the future. Visualization is a powerful technique used by athletes, performers, and successful individuals across various fields. Take time each day to visualize yourself achieving your goals with vivid detail. Imagine how it feels, what it looks like, and the steps you took to get there. Visualizing success primes your mind for achievement and reinforces your motivation and commitment to your goals.

Feeling like a failure and frustrated is a common experience that everyone faces at some point in life. However, it’s important to remember that setbacks are not permanent roadblocks but rather opportunities for growth and learning. By practicing self-compassion, reflecting on past successes, breaking tasks into manageable steps, seeking support from others, embracing failure as a learning opportunity, and focusing on the present moment, you can reignite your motivation and continue moving forward on your journey toward success. Remember, it’s not about avoiding failure altogether but rather how you respond to it that ultimately determines your success. Need some support to regroup and chart a path forward? I got you. Let’s chat and see how we can get you re-motivated to begin again!

Find more on this topic in our latest newsletter available here or sign up to get future newsletters right to your in-box.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Sometimes it comes at the end of a killer workday but sometimes it’s after a relatively blah day. Like this exhaustion is just there hovering around you like a dark fog and despite getting enough sleep and not being overly stressed, you can’t seem to shake it?!

The cause behind that exhaustion may surprise you.

But first, a science lesson from our friend Albert Einstein. According to the Law of Conservation of Energy, which is the basic law of thermodynamics, energy cannot be created or destroyed.

Second, an observation. For better or worse, during our legal careers, we will have abundant opportunities to lose our shit. Every day, we encounter humans and circumstances that will test our resolve, our patience, and our ability to keep it all together. Anger. Frustration. Fear. Self-Doubt. Guilt. They are all a natural part of our daily lives, along with all their ugly relatives and friends.

All of those emotions are energy. The Latin derivative for the word emotion, ‘emotere’, literally means energy in motion.

But how many times a day do we feel that rise of white-hot rage energy in our chests and stifle it? How many times a week do we get so frustrated we could burst into tears BUT WE DON’T?

Every time we do that we are holding that energy inside our bodies. In all of those instances, we are bottling up the energy that is trying to move through us. It’s like continually adding boiling water (high energy emotions) to an already screaming tea kettle (our body). We just keep adding more and more energy (emotions) to the tea kettle (our body) and fighting to keep them all contained, despite the kettle screaming to be loosed.

When we block the energy from moving through our body, we end up storing emotions in our cells and the power of those emotions is held there, boiling below the surface. Remember that energy can’t be destroyed per Mr. Einstein so now we just captured it and we’re fighting to contain it.

In other words, when we ignore those emotions that present themselves during the day, that energy remains in our bodies, fighting to get out. So we, in turn, express more energy to keep that energy hidden; to keep those emotions from leaking out.

We end up living our lives with an energetic timebomb just waiting to detonate and fighting to keep it under wraps.

Understanding that emotions are energy implies that they are fluid, moving resources meant to be felt and released vs. suppressed and ignored. The latter is the true culprit of burnout and exhaustion.

If you feel physically and emotionally exhausted at the end of every day and you aren’t sure why, it is likely that you are carrying around a lot of pend up energy that needs to be released.

How do we do this? A few ideas:

• Journal about it. Engage in a free write and let it all out. Let the tears come out as you write if that feels natural. Just engage with those feelings and write down all the thoughts that come with them. It’s like a mental and emotional exorcism — just get it out!

• Connect with the emotion. Where do you feel it in your body? What color is it? Does it have a name? What does it feel like when you touch it? What does it feel like when you let it move through you?

• Meditate. Meditate and connect with the emotion like in the prior example as a means to recognize and honor its presence before releasing it. Consider having a dialogue with the emotion. Can you name it? Where did it come from? What does it want? What is it trying to teach you?

• Get support. Talk to someone about it who won’t judge you or try to fix it. A verbal exorcism if you will – again, just get it out! It doesn’t have to make any sense. The goal is to release it not to fix it. (Ahem, I’m always available for that sort of thing!)

As you work through these options and release the pent up energy, your body will move from contraction (keeping the energy pushed down) to expansion (letting the energy pass through) and you will typically feel lighter, calmer and relieved. When you allow yourself to ride the emotional wave of these sensations you will regain homeostasis which allows your body to finally rest and heal itself.

Through these practices, you allow your body to feel the emotions it didn’t have the opportunity to release at the time of the triggering event. An added benefit of this work is that you can learn to understand these emotions and the thoughts that trigger them. When we understand our emotions on a deeper level, we no longer need to fear them and can instead learn to better manage them. We don’t need to rage at work or burst into tears when the emotion strikes us but we can, instead, commit to honoring those emotions and expressing them at an appropriate time.

They are part of our human experience and holding them in simply does more harm than good. So go on, pour yourself some wine and have a good ol’ cry about it!

Most senior attorneys have had that moment in the middle of a fire drill when the a junior attorney brings them work that is less than stellar. We can smell the all-nighter wafting from their work product and we can see the panic in their eyes. Having lived through it ourselves, we know how to spot the signs of young attorneys who are floundering on the verge of a complete meltdown. When this happens, our impulse is typically to take the crappy work product we just received and fix it ASAP so that we can continue to weather the storm.

We add to our plate for the sake of sanity and efficiency.

In those moments, our minds are filled with angry rantings and ravings aimed at those young attorneys, frustrated at the work they’ve given us. We know they are just skating by, counting on all of those above them to fix their mistakes! We get indignant and vow to never work with them again! We’re hesitant to give them work and we no longer trust them for the next project, mentally deleting them from the team roster. Never mind that every time their shining and hopeful faces darken our doors, we just want to scream at them.

Then, like anything in life, once the painful part is over, we don’t really want to spend time digging through the muck and thoughtfully considering our misery in any of kind of existential way. We just want to move on and try to enjoy some semblance of life before the next storm. But consider what we miss out on when we don’t force ourselves to go back through the experience and use its teachings to strategize the next nightmare.

It’s no wonder that there are so many senior attorneys who have a penchant for treating associates terribly. They are tired of “fixing” the mistakes of their juniors and then internally festering about it thereafter. After years and years of bottling up that frustration, it comes out in sharp language and harsh rebukes. But it doesn’t have to be this way; if we do our own work, we can be better and DO better for the next generation.

Besides, how can we expect young attorneys to ever get better at managing the chaos if we don’t eventually hold them accountable and help them to grow once the dust has settled?

In these situations, every attorney has a few options. They can fix the mistakes of their junior attorneys, cover them up, and stay silent in their anger, letting that frustration and bitterness grow and impact their relationships with young and developing attorneys. Most of us don’t even realize we are living in this camp. We see this more of an “out of sight, out of mind,” approach and I call that BS. It might be out of sight, out of mind in the euphoria that comes at the end of a chaotic week but those judgements and frustrations will inevitably resurface the next time we work with the person at issue and it will likely drive us to avoid recurrences. The end result? We take on too much and refuse to delegate because we “don’t trust” the junior attorneys to “do it right.” Fast forward to us getting burnt out and the junior attorneys not developing…and the cycle continues!

On the other hand, once that fire drill is over, leaders can have that uncomfortable conversation, give the feedback, and start setting some clear boundaries. When we let people know the impact their actions (or inactions) have on us, it builds accountability and awareness of the team dynamic. It provides an opportunity for them to do better the next time and helps them understand the importance of their role. It also provides an opportunity to provide clarity around future expectations–This is the only time I’m willing to re-do XYZ for you in the middle of a deal, the next time I’m going to make you re-do it even if it holds up everything else and I will let the rest of the team know of the issue.

Neither approach feels good. Neither approach is going to be fun. But in the approach where we give honest feedback, maybe those attorneys will stop making those same mistakes and perhaps we can develop an honest and open partnership where we can learn to trust and rely on each other. Maybe that approach will allow all of us to grow into senior attorneys and partners who not constantly fuming at young associates and the mistakes that they make. Perhaps we can get really good at providing the kind of feedback that we wish others had given to us when we were baby lawyers. Over time, we can become skilled at seeing these frustrating moments as providing a future opportunity to invest in the relationship and implement measures that might just prevent those things from happening again in the future.

It’s so easy to walk away from the chaos and just forget what happened and keep moving forward.

But the reality of it is that we don’t just forget.

When members of our team drop the ball in the middle of a project and we don’t eventually have that conversation, we don’t forget. We remember, we stew about it, and we develop a mistrust amongst our team members. If after every chaotic week, we were able to conduct a post-mortem and review the performance of those around us, looking for opportunities to mentor, develop, and provide authentic feedback to the rest of our team, imagine how much easier the next chaotic week just might be?

To be clear, I’m not making excuses for senior attorneys who lash out and treat associates terribly, but rather I can fully understand why they feel that way after years and years of being disappointed in the midst of chaos by those around them and having to swoop in and “save the day.” It’s difficult to not understand how lonely and frustrating it would feel to constantly mistrust everyone around you and feel like, if it weren’t for you, nothing would ever get done successfully. Bitter and angry? I get it. But there is a better way.

If you find yourself in leadership and mentorship roles and feeling angry and frustrated with those around you, let’s connect. I would love to spend a free consultation with you exploring ways to transform the way you lead and change the way you feel!

Photo by Anna Shvets

How am I going to get all this done?! Where do I even start?! Why is there a random meeting in the MIDDLE of my afternoon? How can I get anything done if I’m ALWAYS IN MEETINGS?!

As I was thinking through the items on my calendar, I realized that this particular meeting was one that I could potentially cancel. I realized that the issue at hand was one that had been resolved by another team over email several weeks prior. So I emailed the meeting attendees the prior correspondence and indicated that I did not believe our meeting would offer anything in addition to the items already discussed and resolved in the correspondence I re-shared with them.

Sweet relief rushed in — I have more time to actually accomplish something today! I stood up for myself and my time. Job. Well. Done!

I should note that one of the individual that called the meeting was known for being a little bit persnickety and had a reputation for being a bit of an overthinker. Regardless, I felt good about my reasoning and my plan of attack and felt strongly that the meeting was no longer necessary given that the impacted parties had already resolved the legal issue.

As most of you have probably already guessed it, shortly after my emancipation request, the meeting organizer responded confirming their desire to continue with the meeting. They felt that there were underlying business considerations they wanted to make a case for.

Immediately I felt my chest and face flush and my blood pressure rising. As legal counsel, there was no need for me to be involved in any rambling meetings about business rationale and business decisions!!

From my point of view I was simply the wrong party to play audience to these requests and I was busy, GDI! Stop wasting my time!

I found myself railing against them in my head and imagining how this meeting was going to play out — them making their case, me sitting there annoyed, arguing with them in my head and anxiously awaiting my opportunity to shut down the meeting and end it as early as possible. I could see myself politely informing them that I was not the proper party to be hearing these business concerns but rather it would make more sense to have other business team members in the discussion.

This all occurred in the first 10 minutes of my day… So there I was hoping for a productive day yet boiling in frustration before anything had began.

I realized in that moment that the reason I was dreading the meeting was because I knew how frustrated I was going to be as I sat there and endured the discussion. I was making this 30 minute meeting into something monstrous and unbearable. Thirty minutes of my life! That was all they were asking. The amount of energy I was wasting fuming over this innocuous exchange was almost laughable! If I had directed that energy to my real work, I could have checked everything off my to do list already!

Furthermore, whether or not that meeting drove me crazy or not was completely within my control. As I felt my blood pressure rising and spinning about WTH I do this job, I realized that I could let this exchange sour my entire day or I could take my power back. I could decide that I would attend the meeting that had become an inevitability and I could show up with curiosity and observe what they had to say and be prepared to have an open mind. I could decide not to let a 30-minute meeting that I could not reschedule ruin my day.

If this resonates with you and you find yourself vacillating between frustration and irritation all day long, schedule some time to visit with me and let’s see if we can get some tools in place to move away from frustration and start taking control of your emotions and your career. Life is so much more fun when you do!

The power to be annoyed and irritated with the meeting and its organizer was 100% within my control. I soon realized that there was no need to be frustrated and let this simple exchange turn a day full of opportunity into a day full of irritation.

I resolved that I would stop thinking about the meeting and view it as another opportunity to learn from those around me and be open to the possibility that just maybe there was something useful to the client that would come out of this discussion. If nothing more, it would afford me the opportunity to observe myself and take control of my mind and the drama that it was offering me. And that is always time well spent.

Besides, if an annoying 30-minute meeting was as “bad” as my day was going to get, I would take it. In the grand scheme of yin and yang, if this meeting was my “darkness,” life really wasn’t so bad after all.

Photo by Yan Krukau

Timelines to get married, timelines to have kids, timelines to make partner, timelines to build that book of business, timelines to remain marketable and find another job…..

These never ending timelines not only often conflict with one another but can make it nearly impossible to truly enjoy this journey through time. Recently, I have been inundated with clients overwhelmed with the idea that they are “running out of time” for one thing or another. While I fully understand the importance of setting goals and having something to work for, what does it mean when we say that we are running out of time? Does that fear drive us to soar even higher or are the results more nefarious?

As a coach, I’m a firm believer in setting goals and having something to work toward but unfortunately the side effect of having too many trophies on the horizon is that, if left unchecked, it can diminish our current experience. When we are constantly casting our gaze off into the horizon, we overlook everything around us. Suddenly everything we are currently experiencing and the life that is currently happening to us and around us pales in comparison to that ultimate goal and whatever it is we are trying to achieve before we run out of time. We are driven by some notion that once we accomplish everything on our list, life will finally make sense and our existence will matter.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Schedule a free consult and let go of this notion of “running out of time” for good.

While we think that this push to action and achievement is benefiting us what effect does it have on the remainder of our lives? If that goal itself comprises something in the distance, a mere fraction of our lifetime, that means that the remaining 99% of our lives are spent with that singular focus — the majority of our lives are spent disconnected from our current, lesser, existence and focusing on something we believe is bigger and brighter in the future.

Whenever I allow myself to think I’m running out of time, I feel this tightness in my chest and anxiety rising within my body. As if something bad is going to happen if I don’t get to work and start executing on some lofty goal. It’s this idea that I’m wasting my life that I should be doing more. That absent some future accomplishment my current existence is unworthy and my life will be a waste. From that space, I act franticly and quickly, trying to cram it all in. Nothing good comes from operating in that space other than a total meltdown burnout, in which case,

I REALLY do lose all that time I was worrying about, creating the exact result I was trying to avoid!

We talk a lot in coaching about being worthy and how that worthiness fits into context with our goals. Ultimately, the goal is never the point of the exercise but rather who we become in pursuit of those goals is the point. That ultimate goal, that accomplishment or achievement is never going to suddenly swoop in and make us experience all the worthiness that we’ve been chasing.

Rather, as many of us experience, once we achieve that goal those feelings of unworthiness and needing something more simply continue. That is the pattern that we practice when we let the ultimate goal have more value than it should — when we value the goal more than the journey. In that space, we are in essence doing exactly what we were trying to avoid: we are running out of time to enjoy the journey of life, we are running out of time to look around and witness our own evolution; sacrificing 99% of life in exchange for those blips of accomplishment.

Whatever we are striving for and worrying that we’re running out of time to accomplish, that thing will never bring us the happiness, peace, and feelings of worthiness that we think it will. Instead we must cultivate feelings of gratitude, worthiness, and success now so that when we achieve that one thing we are already skilled at appreciating it and understanding our worthiness already. From that space, the accomplishment loses its power and we are able to live in our value every step of the way and be thankful for all the gifts that we have in every moment.

If you don’t cultivate your belief in your worthiness along every step of your journey, no accomplishment will suddenly change that.

Whenever you find yourself thinking and worrying “I’m running out of time,” see it as a red flag that you are chasing some type of emotion or some external thing to make you feel a certain way. It is a sign that you are not truly living your life in the moment but rather casting your life forward to some unseen hands of fate. (Besides no one ever achieves their goals from a space of unworthiness, fear, and lack.) Whatever goal you’re seeking, pursue it for the sake of the pursuit. Pursue it so that you can practice believing in your own value every step of the way, in the face of every challenge. THAT is the only way to truly succeed. Achieving from any other place will only leave you feeling empty.

Prior to the pandemic, most of my clients admit to feeling like chickens running around with their heads cut off half of the time going from soccer games to PTA meetings to client board meetings to practice group meetings to being screamed at on the phone by angry clients and partners….They were constantly running around juggling 10,000 different things but there was some semblance disconnection. By “disconnection” I mean the time and energy it took to actually get from one of these places to the next. Even though it felt like we were running around like mad women most of the time, there were periods of space between those emergencies — time wasted in the kitchenette talking up a colleague, hopping onto the elevator to grab a quick lunch or coffee, actually walking (or even driving!) from meeting to meeting. There was a transitional moment or moments (if we were lucky)…not that we appreciated them at the time.

What I’m seeing now with my clients is that the time it took to transition from one of those things to the next whether it was the five minutes you spent in the car or the five minutes you spent walking from meeting to meeting, there was breathing space available to us.

Little did we know how valuable that time actually was.

For many of us who have been working from home for the past 30+ months, we are finding that those transition periods have completely disappeared. There is no opportunity to clear our heads or return text messages walking from meeting to meeting. There are no 15-minute breaks to walk outside (READ: breathe fresh air) and go pick up something for lunch. No more chit chatting with your girlfriend at the coffee bar. Instead, we click from meeting to meeting without breaks and without a moment to catch our breaths.

In this remote work environment, we have conditioned ourselves to be 100% connected with our work and our clients 100% of the time.

Keeping office hours seems unusual given that our office is now our homes where we spend 100% of our time.

In a pre-pandemic world, many of my clients struggled to disconnect when they were home. They had that nagging itch to check their email every time they sat down with their partners to watch a movie. While they were waiting for the pasta to boil and cooking dinner, they would absentmindedly scroll through their emails to see what was happening. We did these things automatically and without thinking. But now it seems the desire to check in and remain connected has become even more extreme as expectations around our availability have changed.

How, in a world where our homes are now our offices, do we find space to breathe?

I recently had a client who was struggling with this very same thing and wanted to spend some time learning how to disconnect. She wanted to be able to step away from her computer for periods of time to have lunch, go for a walk, turn over the laundry, or simply take a break. She was craving those small pleasures that we all overlooked when life was in person. Who knew that the 20-minute commute into the office would now be seen as a luxurious moment of peace?!

In a digital world, boundaries have become essential.

The primary struggle as I see it is how to best communicate those boundaries when people are not actually seeing whether you are in your office or away. While we can implement certain strategies like setting clear office hours and communicating those to your team, over utilizing out-of-office messaging (no matter who it annoys!), and updating your status on digital messaging platforms, the real work to disconnect is internal. I can give my clients all sorts of tools to implement better boundaries at work and to seek some separation from their professional lives, but if they’re not doing their own inner work, none of the tools that I offer will work.

To illustrate this point, I asked my client to start conducting a simple experiment. First and foremost I asked her to set clear office hours that she would commit to honoring every day. When people called her outside of those office hours she wouldn’t answer — in the same way we didn’t answer our office phones after hours while driving the car pool. We also established a schedule for checking her email. We agreed upon using a timer on her phone to remind her every two hours to check her email. In between those time frames of checking her email, she was free to focus on research and actual projects on her plate. She was to close all email platforms during those two hours. Last, I asked her to start paying closer attention to how much this whole set up freaked her out. Specifically, I asked her to write down all of the nasty thoughts and worst case scenarios playing out in her head as we implemented this plan.

Someone is going to be mad at me. I’m going to miss something. Someone is looking for me. People are going to think I’m not available. I’m going to get reprimanded. If I remain unavailable I’m going to get fired.

While it’s certainly possible that some of those wild scenarios could have become reality, it was also equally possible that none of them would happen. Is it really unacceptable to be away from your email for two hours? We all go to the doctor. We all have continuing education requirements. When life was in person we would often attend 2-hour lunches or meetings. Why is it that our brains are OK with being absent for blocks of time in those scenarios but not OK with us doing it to actually do the job we are being paid for? Because we allow all of those nasty thoughts to carry such weight that it compels us to run to our emails every 30 seconds to confirm that the sky is not, in fact, falling.

If this sounds familiar. Do this. For your sanity and for the good of your long-term career.

The panic that this plan elicited in my client and the discomfort that she experienced as she stepped away from her email for short periods of time really brought to the forefront of her awareness what a critical problem this had become. How checking her email had almost become an obsessive addiction to confirm that she wasn’t messing up. To assuage her concerns that people were upset with her. Now that she had some space, she could see how toxic her relationship with connectedness had become. While she was making dinner she was thinking about her email. While she was talking to her husband, she was thinking about her email. While she was eating her lunch, she was worrying about her email. The anxiety was constant.

She saw those worries build and compound during her day as we conducted the experiment. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t comfortable for her but at the end of it all, she saw that none of her worst case scenarios happened by stepping away from her email for two hour blocks at a time. She was more productive. She was more present. The experience allowed her to foster the belief: I can step away to focus and do my job and nothing life-altering will happen in a span of two hours.

In a world where everyone is so connected and the lines between our home and our professional lives have become so blurred, the need to set boundaries and start paying attention to our automatic impulses to constantly check our email and be available are critically important.

How are those impulses serving you?

If this is to become our new normal, we need to start re-employing the small daily treasures that can make life so much more enjoyable. Taking breaks. Disconnecting. Stepping away. And honoring a set work schedule. Your professional world will not come crumbling down if you are away for two hours. I would even posit to say that your professional world will not come crumbling down if you step away from your email for as long as three or even four hours. What would you gain have if you were able to eradicate the thinking that is gluing you to your phone and your email all day long? More peace? More happiness? I encourage you to conduct your own experiment to find your own answer.

Photo by İsra Nilgün Özkan

I remember one afternoon, we were playing “tag” on the dirt bikes. My older brother was “it” and I was riding around the backside of the farm. As usual, our farm was filled with random equipment and machinery scattered around the barns, out-buildings and grain bins. As I was running (riding?!) away from my brothers on this motorcycle, I had my head on a swivel, constantly checking behind me to see whether or not they were closing in on me. At the time, my dad was putting new tin sheet metal on one of our barns which meant that there was a flatbed trailer on the backside of the farm that had stacks of incredibly sharp sheet metal on it. As I flew around the corner to the backside of the farm, looking all around, hoping that my brothers hadn’t seen me yet, I failed to notice the flatbed trailer sitting right in front of me. When I finally turned my attention back to my path, I realized that I was quickly closing in on this sheet metal death trap sitting right at the height of my neck. I also realized in that moment that the brakes on my motorcycle were pretty much non-existent from years of idiocy by my brothers and I. Instantly, I knew I had to dump the bike to avoid the sheet metal at my neck. As I went down, the sheet metal caught me across my upper chest as I dove to the ground and left a long slice across my upper body, leaving a scar I still have to this day.

I think about this experience every time I have the urge to burn it all down –

When is time to change course and abandon ship? How do you know if you should stay and work it out or just wipe the slate clean and start again?

Sometimes in life we don’t pay attention to all the warning signs and everything that’s happening in front of us. Instead we’re so focused on small distractions or we’re mentally lingering in the future or the past that we overlook all the warning signs right in front of us.

Logically, we know that our difficult experiences have a lot to teach us about our own inner work. It doesn’t mean that learning those lessons and putting in the work on ourselves needs to be done in the middle of a hurricane. Sometimes it’s admirable to walk away with your head still intact, start with a clean slate, and do the work from a new vantage point. Sometimes it’s okay to recognize that the space you are in is hurting you and that you need a fresh start.

It’s perfectly acceptable to just abandon ship and pull the plug if that’s what you need to survive. There’s nothing wrong with getting out when you have gotten in too far over your head.

Do I regret that scar? Absolutely not. I know that if I had continued on my path I would have been hurt much more significantly. I did what I had to do to get out. No regrets, no second-guessing. I can apply that same logic to various instances in my life when I simply threw in the towel and walked away — I did it for my own safety and no one else and that was enough for me.

Are you looking to make a fresh start? There’s no better time to let in support to ensure that when you start anew, you show up differently and create a better, brighter future.

Perhaps those experiences of chaos are intended to wake you up to the work that you actually need to do on yourself and that is all the learning you need to take from that place.

The point of the experience may not be to force you to do your own inner work in the middle of the hurricane. Perhaps it’s that you need to see that the hurricane always exists, at least partly, within you as well as around you. From that realization sometimes leaving and getting space is the only way to actually start doing the work on yourself.

Beethoven never wrote a beautiful sonata while he was drowning. You don’t have to “fix” your issues while you are burning alive. Sometimes it’s just okay to leave and start again because sometimes that is the only way you can do the work.

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you are not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Photo by cottonbro