Now that we are adults everything seems to have changed. Not only are our lives and personalities more complicated than they were as children we start to care a lot more about the type of people we want to spend our personal time with. Now also for whatever reason that fear of rejection seems to be a bit more painful than it was when we were children or perhaps that part of us just never really grows up (?!).

As most of us are pressed for time it seems a lot easier to simply lament the fact that we don’t have a large friend group any longer than to expend the effort in time it makes to create new friendships. But in reality there are a lot of simple ways to make friends that will not only further that goal but will likely fulfill other interests that make us well-rounded, happier humans.

For whatever reason, March has declared itself the month of relationships. If that doesn’t make sense to you it’s probably because you’re not following along on the podcast, in which case, what are you feeding your ear balls?! This month, in the Lawyer Life Podcast we are not only exploring how to deal with difficult relationships but those episodes will be followed by episodes addressing how to know when a relationship has run its course and how to transform any relationship. Since I have been spending so much time thinking about relationships, it has gotten me thinking about one interesting recurring relationship theme I often coach on: how to establish and create new friendships as an adult professional woman.

For me personally, my legal career started in a city where I knew no one and had no ties whatsoever. Overtime, this introvert of yours has tried a variety of tactics to establish and create meaningful friendships as an adult. The following are my tried and tested tactics for finding and maintaining adult friendships.

Join Professional Groups or Organizations

This goes beyond your local and state bar associations — trust me, we already have enough lawyer friends. For me, this consisted of Junior League and a city-sponsored leadership program. While joining these programs harkened back to my days joining a sorority in college when I didn’t know anyone there either the results were worth every excruciating formality of the process. I found like-minded professional friends that have lasted long beyond the close of the event calendar. Time consuming? Yes. Overly structured? Yes. Both things that pushed me outside my comfort zone and forced me to learn and experience things I would otherwise have missed.

Attend Networking Events (other than bar/firm events)

After getting plugged into my local Chamber of Commerce via the city-sponsored leadership program, I signed up for one of their ongoing networking events and, despite my discomfort, attended a morning networking event. While there, I was able to connect with the lone attendee who appeared just as uncomfortable as I was in the room full of men in suits. Our discomfort quickly led to connection and our friendship followed from there.

Take Initiative at Work

This goes beyond taking on new projects but instead asks that we initiate conversations with colleagues and participating in work-related events or outings to expand our work networks. Some of the most important work-related friendships that I formed occurred with women outside of my practice group with whom I actively pursued a social relationship. They provided invaluable perspective on my working group and my team and could also relate to the challenges of practicing law in general. If there are women in your organization that you admire but that you don’t know socially, those are the ones to experiment with. Invite one of these women out on a coffee run and come prepared to talk about anything other than work. Try out: What do you do for fun when you’re not at work…if you weren’t a lawyer, what would you be doing for a career?…Tell me about how you landed in law… Bonus: those relationships will become essential for lateral moves as everyone starts bouncing around among firms and in-house jobs.

Join a Social Group or Club

One of the easiest topics of conversation when you were uncomfortable is that of your interests outside of work and your hobbies (if you don’t have any or don’t have time for that, let’s develop a plan to change that). I was recently at a holiday party where I didn’t know anybody and I struck up a conversation with an older woman at my table who mentioned that she was in a stand-up paddleboard  and kayak club. As someone who loves paddle boarding and kayaking, after the party I reached out to the host to get the woman’s contact information and contacted her to see if I could tag along to her group’s next outing (a very uncomfortable outreach for me!). She obliged and it has opened my world to a whole new group of interesting people that I would never have met otherwise as well as an opportunity to enjoy my hobbies which were being neglected. Bonus: groups like this open the possibilities to all sorts of potential client opportunities as well!

Volunteer for Causes You Care About

Years ago after my divorce, I reached out to the statewide domestic violence and sexual assault organizations to see if I could support them in any way (might as well put my traumas to good use, eh?). I quickly became a board member for a DV/SA organization and years later became the chair of the statewide coalition. That simple e-mail has connected me with so many interesting people with so many amazing backgrounds and great connections across my state. Again, amazing client opportunities as well as friendships.

Host Social Gatherings

We currently live in my husband’s hometown, albeit a metro of one million people, he seems to know or be related to most of them (Irish Catholics!). Because of this, I often found myself in groups where everyone knew everyone else and I was the outsider. To remedy this, my husband and I decided to make a regular practice or hosting a Sunday dinner for couples in our friend group. It was an easy way for me to get one-on-one time with the wives of his friends and build meaningful connections with previously casual acquaintances.

A few things to keep in mind…

Take the initiative. So many of us are waiting for someone else to initiate contact/conversation with us, but according to one study, when people viewed friendship as happening without effort, they were lonelier years later. When they viewed friendship as taking effort, they were less lonely.  Whether you use any of the tactics above, I recommend going into the situation believing that everybody there wants to be your friend and wants to get to know you but they’re just waiting for you to initiate it. Don’t wait for friendships or new connections to happen organically. Make it happen for yourself. Both you and the other party will thank you.

Seasons change and so do friendships. Not every friendship is meant to go the distance and that is OK. (Read that again.) If you find yourself struggling to maintain existing friendships because you feel like you should it’s possible that the friendship has simply run its course. That is not an indictment of you or the individual but simply an acknowledgement that our life is comprised of different seasons with different needs and different individuals willing to join us for those seasons. If a friendship feels forced let it go with love and move on (and listen to the upcoming podcast on that topic!).

Being vulnerable and authentic is the easiest way to forge connection. If you are at a networking event and you’re uncomfortable, say it to whomever you are talking to. If you have met someone that you want to become a closer friend with, say it. One of the most memorable adult friendship experiences I ever had was when a woman that I have known casually for years asked me to lunch saying I just don’t have a lot of friends and I would like to connect with you on that level. Her vulnerability blew my mind and opened my heart to invest more in that relationship. I won’t ever forget it.

Organization is important. Life is messy and busy and it’s easy to lose sight of these essential relationships. We must not forget that friendships require nurturing and attention to some degree. Every week when I sit down with my calendar I make sure that I have time scheduled to catch up with friends. At times, I have even developed a list of individuals that I want to maintain a relationship with or develop a relationship with and I used that list to guide my weekly calendar reviews to ensure that I was making time for everybody on that list at some point over the upcoming weeks. As an added bonus, whenever I had a bout of the “woe is mes” I was able to look at that list and remember all the amazing friendships I had in my life. Yes, it sounds overly structured and impersonal but it is the best way I have found to hold myself accountable to be a good friend and show up to nurture my existing relationships and those I am developing.  In my world getting together with friends is no different than scheduling time to go to the gym – if it’s important to me it gets a spot on my calendar.

Check out the full Newsletter and related topics here.

Photo by Belle Co

Today, I want pass along some of the interesting and surprising things I learned during my time building and leading my own practice group.

Everybody answers to somebody (and that includes you).

I thought having my own practice would free me from the incessant demands and pseudo emergencies attendant to being an associate attorney. I was woefully misinformed. No matter where you are in the lawyering ladder, you answer to somebody. I had to answer not only to my clients and my team but also the firm’s Board of Directors, the firm President and various other partners who had much more political clout than I had.

I won’t have to deal with any more ridiculous emergencies! Hooray!  Wrong. Emergencies continued to harass me but they just came from different places–that partner down the hall who was always disorganized and making promises on my behalf to his horrible clients, the Board who wanted an update on my financial projections for next year, the associate who was having a meltdown in my office, the client who forgot about an important IRS deadline, the paralegal that always seemed to show up at the wrong time to have a long chat about a menial project. There will always be random, unforeseen emergencies. Being in charge and paving your own way will never change that because when you deal with humans, you get drama, poor planning, and frustrating people, no matter what you do for a living.

Getting clients is about relationships not about your skills.

People want to work with someone that they know, like, and trust; it’s that simple. You don’t need some fancy pitch prepared, you don’t have to sell them on the services that you specifically offer. At it’s core, a potential client first wants to know that you will meet them on their level. That you will talk to them like a human, be available to support them, and be willing to support them to resolve any problems they may be having. From there, it helps to be able to provide details about how you might help them but until you have gotten to know them as a person, don’t go there. It’s not hard to find lawyers who can do the job. People hire attorneys not because they can do the job but because they like them as a person, the fact that they can do the job is just an added bonus. When I moved in-house with a Fortune 300 company, the lawyers that I gave work to were the ones that treated me like a colleague and spoke to me plainly and simply. The lawyers I stopped working with were the ones that buried me with their credentials and posturing and refused to give me straight answers on anything. It was simply junior high politics–some attorneys made me feel good and others annoyed me. I couldn’t tell you where any of them went to law school or what credentials they held. They got the work if I liked them and connected with them. That’s it.

It’s never just about you.

When you work in a big firm, it is likely that you will be in some type of a niche practice area. One of the hesitations we often have with selling our services is that not every client needs our specific skills. That doesn’t matter. When you’re selling your services, you are really selling the firm. You’re selling a package of technicians that together can solve any problem the client can throw at them. That is what it’s about. People want the easy button. They want one person they can go to with all their problems who will line up the right people to solve it. They want someone they can direct all of their colleagues to when they have problems. They want a multipurpose tool — that’s the firm. You just have to sell them on your ability to operate that tool on their behalf to make their lives easier. Sell them on the breadth of the firm’s skills and leave your niche elevator pitch at the door unless it is specifically requested.

Act like you mean it.

No matter what type of pitch or informal meeting you have on the docket, make sure that you come prepared. Bring marketing materials. Never let the client leave empty handed. Bring business cards, bring pertinent firm overviews and bios of key players. Show them that you want it but you aren’t going to bury them in formalities and sales pitches unless they ask for it. Give them something they can take with them to show others what you have available. Give them the tools they will need if they ever find themselves asking: Who should I call for questions on this issue?

Everyone has potential.

Get out there, meet people, tell them you’re an attorney and offer to support their business and the business of anyone they know. This means scheduling breakfast, lunch, dinner, coffee, drinks, etc. with every person that you know. Literally. You never know whether their friend, or their friend’s friend, or their spouse, their spouse’s friend or family members may need support. The more people you meet, tell them what you do, and offer to help them, the more likely you are to find clients. Spread that word far and wide and reap the benefits. It’s like planting a garden. You aren’t going to just put one single seed for each vegetable you want into the ground and expect a bountiful harvest. You have to plant multiple seeds for each vegetable and see how things play out.

Practicing law is a business after all.

When building your firm or your practice group, there will always be administrative tasks. Practicing law and being the boss is about so much more than actually doing the legal work. Make a decision early and firmly about how much you want to work and how much you’re willing to spend running the business. You cannot do both 100%. (Read that again.) Start making decisions about how much time you want to practice, what that practice will look like, and how that fits within your obligations of running the business.

Many of my clients start their own firms because they want balance and more freedom to do the things they want–spend time with family, travel, etc. But what they overlook is that when they run the show, they cannot continue to practice at the same pace they would if they didn’t have administrative and operational duties. You must get very clear about what kinds of work you are willing to keep on your plate and what you are willing to let go of in favor of running the business (and having a life). With that vision is mind, the evolution of your practice will occur seamlessly, always guided by your ideal future state.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko

But it’s not just about the clients. The same thing holds true for my relationship with fellow attorneys and bosses.

Rules for playing well with other lawyers and co-workers:

Be someone that others can count on.

If you make a promise to someone else, keep it. If you say you can help on a project—show up and be committed. This also goes for promises that you make to yourself. Honoring your word not only shows others that they are important to you, but it demonstrates your values—you value others’ time and you value your word.

Be honest about mistakes.

If you forget about a deadline or forget to confirm that a case remains “good law,” own it. Be honest about it and don’t make excuses. You are human. You are not a robot. Owning your mistakes demonstrates humility and honesty. People trust others who are honest and willing to make mistakes and own them. People are also much more forgiving if they don’t suspect they are being lied to.

Take confidentiality seriously.

We are lawyers, after all, and part of the gig is keeping secrets. Why is it so hard to apply that to your co-workers and relationships? If someone is confiding in you, it means that they see you as a trustworthy person. Why would you then go and erode that trust by splashing their secrets all over the firm? Do not get a reputation for being the office gossip. Build a reputation of being a person that others can trust.

Stop judging.

Law firms can be incredibly competitive but keep in mind that your day will come when others will have an opportunity to judge you too. Be accepting of others and approach them from a place of compassion and curiosity. Believe me, there are people out there who are confused by you too. Don’t be a jerk; you are all in this together. You are part of a firm, not a solo practice. Build each other up instead of breaking each other down.

Do not exaggerate.

This applies to both your skill sets and your billable hours. Everybody knows who pads the bills and everyone knows who is always pretending to be an expert in everything. If you claim to be an expert in something or claim to have invested significant time on a project, people will count on you to be that expert. One exaggeration can ruin your reputation with an important partner or client. People come in and out of law firms all the time and no one is going to hire you if you have a reputation for padding your hours or mis-stating your skill set.

If you can employ these rules, I promise you, your personal and professional life will flourish.

I’ve seen secretaries become vice presidents at Fortune 500 companies and I’ve seen slacker associates become innovative rainmakers. Never sell someone short or classify them as not worthy of your relationship-building efforts. You never know who will be in a position to support your practice in the future. Your relationship and interactions with others have ripple effects.

“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.”

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr

Besides, is it really so terrible to just show up and try to be a good human to everyone you encounter? If you are successful at that 50% of the time, people will be much more accepting of you when you are failing to be a good human.

It’s never too early to start building your network and your practice. Let me support you in building a powerful and rewarding legal practice. What do you have to lose?

The following are my ramblings for building a thriving practice. Take them as you will. Everyone’s experience will be different.

Network with everyone you know. Everyone.

You never know where these people will end up. From personal experience, I will tell you that once a person finds themselves in a position where they could actually send you legal work (e.g., in-house counsel at a Fortune 500 company), they are not amused when you suddenly call to buddy up to them after all these years. We all know what that call is really about.

Maintain true relationships with people so that when they do find themselves in a position to hire you, you are already top of their mind. Don’t try to force relationships to better your business position. People will sense it and shut. you. out.

Who to keep in contact with? This list is endless but here are a few ideas:

• Schoolmates who live in your city.
• Law school class mates.
• Current and former coworkers.
• Friends of your family members.
• Relatives.
• People you meet at networking events.

You get the picture. Do not discard anyone because they aren’t currently in a position to hire you as an attorney. You will be amazed at where people end up. Develop the relationship. The business will follow.

Join something. Anything.

Don’t overthink it. Just do it. Expand your reach and you will be amazed at where it may land. Examples of where to look:

• Chamber of commerce.
• Legal associations.
• Alumni associations.
• Affinity groups—dogs, plants, baking.
• Leadership programs.
• Toastmasters.
• Women’s organizations.
• Nonprofit guilds or boards.

Not only will this make you a more well-rounded and likely happier human, you might meet some people who can introduce you to future clients. If nothing else, you have something to put on your resume or discuss during an interview when someone asks, “What do you do for fun?”

Don’t like this line of thinking? Read Bowling Alone or The Happiness Project to learn why social interaction is so essential to our communities and our wellbeing.

Play the long game and postpone the elevator speech.

Business development is all about relationships. Pure and simple. If someone knows you and likes you and trusts you, they will do what they can to support you and see you succeed. That being said, cramming your elevator speech down their throats is not going to get you business. It’s probably going to annoy them. Save that for a later opportunity, when your new friend tells you about a business challenge they are having or asks you about your firm or your practice. Wait until they want to hear about it or until they need your advice. That, my friends, is when you present it. Wait until you know what problem they need solved and then present them with how you intend to solve it for them.

Meet with as many of your coworkers as possible.

Print off the employee roster and start making the rounds. Tell them you want to hear more about their practice or would like some insights into their work, the firm, or a particular client. Whatever. Just get those meetings/coffees/lunches scheduled and make it happen.

The goal: Learn from them and about them and allow them to learn about you and your practice.

These people will not only have clients that they might want you to support but they might have clients that NEED your support and they just don’t know it yet. Furthermore, these people will have invaluable insights in the firm, its people, and its politics. Schedule the meetings and start taking notes.

Examples of things to talk about:

• What do you think sets our firm apart from the others?
• Where do you see the firm going in the next 10 years?
• How do you think the firm has changed since you joined?
• What brought you to the firm?
• Tell me more about your story and how you ended up in law school and this firm?
• What are some ways you have found success in getting clients and developing your business?
• Tell me about your work and what you offer to our clients?
• What is your ‘target client’ and how could I help you with those clients?
• Are there areas you think I should learn or develop some additional knowledge that might help you or your clients?
• Would you like to hear about my practice area and how I support our clients?

This rule also applies to your peers at the firm. Fast forward 10 years into your practice–who do you hope will be sending you referrals or collaborating with you? Those peers are just as important as the partners and the clients.

When I left my first firm, I kept in touch with a few of the other female attorneys and partners I liked and respected. Years later, one of these friends recommended me for my current position. That friendship and connection paved the way for opportunities several years down the road. Had I lost contact with her after she left the firm, who knows where I would have landed.

When I got to work drumming up clients for my new practice group, I met with every partner I could pin down. I asked them to introduce me to their clients and others in the firm who could support me. Those meetings are where I built my practice. Those relationships plugged me in with clients who didn’t even know they needed my specialty.

Do your homework.

When you meet with a client (or a partner) for the first time, do you legwork. You should know about the company and have a general sense of their business. Review any governmental filings you can get your hands on. Review the internal files. Show up to that meeting already invested in that person and that client. People like to feel important. They like to feel special. By doing your homework you equip yourself with all the tools to let that other person know they are important to you.

When I was helping my clients interview and hire new service providers, I can’t tell you how many times we cut providers simply because they clearly didn’t know anything about the company and didn’t take the time to study my clients’ needs. Don’t be that service provider. Do the work.

Similarly, have your elevator speech ready if the opportunity arises. And never, ever, go to a meeting without a notepad, business cards, and marketing materials about your practice or a copy of the recent article you wrote.

Fill your calendar.

When you are newly hired, you won’t likely be busy right out of the gate. So, make sure your calendar stays full doing CLEs, meet and greets, networking events, reading relevant articles, preparing marketing materials or file memos on relevant developments. Offer to support partners in their marketing efforts or to track new legislation. Your calendar should be full. Get creative and find ways to fill it that will develop you, support the firm, and ideally benefit a partner or client. Sign up for speaking engagements, offer to speak at bar association events –force yourself to learn a topic and go speak about it. Too much for you? Offer to write a speech/presentation for a partner. Contact trade journals and offer to write an article or offer to support your partners in doing the same. If you spend your time trying to make your partners look good and make their lives easier, they won’t forget it.

Make yourself available.

This doesn’t mean that you always have to be 100% available and it doesn’t mean that you have to be at the office all hours of the day. Establish regular hours so people know when to expect you and feel like they can rely on you to be available when they need you. At a minimum, your hours should loosely track the hours kept by the partners you intend to support. Get people in the mindset of thinking of you as a person who is responsive and hardworking. Once they have that perception of you, studies have shown they will not likely change it, even if you change. Put in the time early on and become someone that others can count on.

Have a positive attitude and be open to anything.

You never know what will happen to the firm, your practice group, your area of expertise, or your mentor. Hedge your bets and be willing to learn and try new things for the first few years. Make yourself an invaluable and irreplaceable utility player.

Have your own back.

Make sure to keep diligent track of your marketing and development efforts. These tasks often go unseen by compensation committees and management. Do the work to track your efforts and advocate for yourself. If you don’t have your own back, how can you expect others to?

Struggling to implement your own practice development plan? Coach with me and learn from my experiences and create your own successful practice.

How do you get your interviewer to pull back the curtain and tell you how things really work without all the sales-ey pitching?

Here are few suggestions from my own experience and from those candidates who successfully got me to “spill the beans”, so to speak.

Ask about diversity and exit rates

If diversity and inclusion are important to you, and they should be, that is something you need to sort out before you take the job. Law firms are notoriously terrible at diversity and inclusion. Law firms are also notorious for having plenty of smart people who will devote time and energy into dressing up their warts. Most firms can easily tout their diversity awards and achievements and minority representation and show you a long list of “diverse” organizations they support and how much D&I training they spent loads of money on. That means absolutely nothing. Do not be fooled by the smoke and mirrors. The only way you will truly know whether a firm is a dinosaur promoting only like-minded individuals from the same demographic group is to start asking questions. Here’s a few examples:

In the last 3 years, what percentage of your attorneys who left the firm were women or minorities?

These numbers do not lie. If the rate is abnormally high, run. People leave firms for all sorts of reasons. In my experience, if there is a significant percentage of women leaving a firm, it is not because they all just “found the opportunity of a lifetime” or found an in-house opportunity they “just couldn’t pass up” or their partner found a job in another city. Those excuses and explanations are all break-up speak–“it’s not you, it’s me…” Those are things attorneys tell leadership when they are fed up and leave, because at that point, what good will it do to tell them the ugly truth? Besides, by the time you get to that point, you’ve probably already had the conversation 100 times and they ignored you each and every time. Why would they listen now?

Here are a few questions that might assist this evaluation:

Where do most of your candidates/new hires come from?

What law schools do you recruit at? Why or why not?

Where did most of your current attorneys attend law school?

See if you can find someone who used to work there.

You will have to lean on your network or your law school career center for this one. People who have left will be the only ones able to tell you if they truly took off because they found their “dream job.” Take them to lunch and explain your situation and any concerns you might have. If they know you are picking up on some of the firm’s true underlying issues, they will likely confirm or deny your impressions.

Meet separately with attorneys you can relate to

If you are still interested in considering the job, ask to take some of their female/minority associates to lunch or, ideally, drinks. Get them away from the firm and away from the partners/supervisors. Use this opportunity to see what their life is like, how the partners work, and how the firm operates. Ask them for recommendations as to who else you should meet with – other attorneys who have left or other attorneys currently at the firm. Get them talking. Questions to consider:

If you had the opportunity to work in (whatever practice group you are applying to), would you do it?

 Law firms are like small fiefdoms. Each practice group or office location likely operates pretty independently and according to its own norms. Most firms have a few practice groups that are notorious for destroying associates and churning through staff. Figure out which groups those are and ensure you don’t get stuck in one of those, unless you really want to learn some unnecessarily hard lessons.

Questions to consider:

In your experience, why have others chosen to leave the firm? Do you see any trends or common reasons?

What is one thing you think the firm needs to improve upon?

Have you found that people are willing to help you learn and guide your development?

Tell me about your typical day/month? When do you arrive at work and when do you leave? What about weeknights and weekends?

Do your diligence

Check online AND AROUND TOWN  for any reviews—social media or on other websites. Negative reviews of law firms likely signal a larger issue. Be sure to take all complaints with a grain of salt, but if your social media searches and casual inquiries reveal a barrage of negativity, be wary.

Check out the firm website. Is it up to date? Are the postings 3 months old? How about blog postings? How important is it to you to be part of a firm that has a sophisticated online presences? Not only will the website be your first introduction to your clients when you join the firm, but for now, it may indicate how much support you will get to market yourself and your business. Does the firm appear to have a strong marketing department and marketing presence? It may also indicate how much of your time you may be required to spend preparing blog posts for yourself or your partners (read: nonbillable time burdens).

Look at the attorney profiles. What is the attorney demographic like? Do they all look the same? Did most of them attend the same law schools? Do not be fooled by this. If the attorneys all seem to be the same person with only minor variations, and none of those attorneys are similar to you, take it as it is. No matter what they say they are doing on the D&I front, it is obviously not working. That indicates a MUCH bigger, underlying issue and that is likely a general lack of buy-in by the firm about D&I. Do not be persuaded otherwise and give some long and serious thought about whether you want to be the “other” and whether you believe this homogeneous group will truly be open to you (as a person) or your ideas (as an attorney).

In the end there is no perfect law firm and you will always find room for improvement. The key is being able to identify those shortcomings before you start so that you aren’t blindsided. The goal should be to find a firm whose shortcomings are ones you are willing to tolerate. In summary:

• Ask the hard questions
• See if you can find someone who worked there
• Isolate candidates that you can relate to
• Do your diligence:
• Check their reviews — online and around town
• Check out the firm website
• Do not seek perfection!

Are you looking for a new firm or your first legal position? Coach with me and lean on my years of experience working in and recruiting to large corporate law firms. Let my past mistakes benefit your future.