So in a profession where the only feedback you typically get is negative feedback, how do you keep those experiences from making you paranoid?

In today’s blog we focus on getting clear on where negative feedback fits in your life and how to keep it from bogging down your best work.

You are practicing law. You are doing the hard thing. You might feel like you are operating blindly, unsure if that last email you sent made any sense or addressed the appropriate legal issues. Projects are submitted and become part of a vast cone of silence. It is often difficult to know whether that silence is an indication of your failure or a silent thank you for a job well done. In the midst of this silent treatment, you periodically receive some feedback. Negative feedback.

That shouldn’t have take that long.

This shouldn’t have been that hard.

You missed an important issue.

You clearly did not understand the scope of the project.

You completely missed the point.

When many of us receive that feedback and when that is the ONLY feedback we receive, it breeds an odd form of professional paranoia. We know that we didn’t do a good job in those particular instances but we don’t have any clarity on when we HAVE done a good job. It’s like being blindfolded and sent to navigate a minefield. It’s no wonder that this type of consistent negative feedback, without more, makes it difficult to get back on the horse. Usually the result is that we spend more and more time agonizing over every minute detail of every later project hoping that we are getting better at anticipating the mines. The delightful insecurity delay!

We take that negative feedback and camp out with our self-created paranoia.

While we would like some positive feedback, we would almost prefer the silence than the sudden, surprising criticism, like a slap in the face. When we live in that paranoia, projects take longer and our brain becomes filled with self-doubt and negative chatter. It’s hard to focus on the task at hand in between beating yourself up for your mistakes and worrying that you are about to mess up again. The natural result is that we spin in this insecurity, take longer to get simple tasks done, and start to cower in fear of any future mistakes. (The mistake spiral.)

When your work is greeted with silence punctuated only by negative feedback, it can be difficult to be confident. In order to dig out of this pit, you have to start pursuing additional facts and facing some new realities.

You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. No one else in your professional orbit is perfect.

The first step in getting through insecurity is to get your head out of your @$$ and get some perspective. You are not perfect and neither is anyone around you. We all make mistakes in our practice and we all especially make mistakes when we were just starting out. Do not allow yourself one F-ing moment to believe anything else. No one has it easier than you — what does that even mean?! — and everyone is learning. You are not a special snowflake. You will make mistakes just like everyone else. Get over it.

Seek and ye shall receive!

Recognize that lawyers are busy myopic beings. We focus on the dumpster fire at hand and leave little room for much else. That means that normal, professional courtesies go out the window. Providing constructive feedback is not likely at the top of their priority list so if you want more constructive feedback, you are going to have to ask for it. You are not at the mercy of your bosses or your work. Constructive feedback is not parade candy — you don’t have to sit back and hope that they throw some your way. Get out there and rip the candy out of their miserly little hands! When you receive negative feedback, it is perfectly acceptable to ask if there were other aspects of the project that DID go well that you can continue to improve upon.

Schedule periodic check-ins following/during large projects to see how you are doing.

Ask the questions — am I on par with where you would want me to be? Are there areas where I excel? What other areas can I improve upon?

If you don’t start taking ownership of your career and asking for the type of feedback that you want, you will be left in a vacuum of negative feedback and nothing more. You will be at the mercy of your bosses’ individual experiences–whatever is happening in their lives behind the scenes that may or may not play a role in the ass-chewing you just received. You have to seek out more information. You have to seek out both sides of the story. Remember that we all have a bias toward negativity so you are going to have to work to gather information on the other side of the story.

Any feedback is a sign of their investment in you

Focus on the fact that they are giving you feedback; it is a sign that they are invested in your growth and improvement. The only time I withheld feedback — negative or positive — was when I had concluded that the attorney was a lost cause, a bad fit. If they are giving you feedback it means they know you can improve. At some level they believe in you. Do not overlook that fact.

Be honest with yourself

When you find yourself reeling after some negative feedback and it is making it difficult to execute any task, start focusing on your internal self-talk. Listen to the things you are telling yourself. Ask yourself why you are having a hard time moving forward. Usually it sounds something like this: You can’t mess up again; he thinks you’re idiot; how did you miss that? What the hell happened?  You are never going to do a good job from that headspace. If your friend had received the same feedback, would you let them talk to themselves the same way?

If the reason you aren’t sending that email is because you are afraid of messing up again — send the damn email. Do not let your fear of more negative feedback impede your success. Accept that negative feedback is part of it and allow yourself to be open to the possibility that you are, in fact, good at your job — if you weren’t, you wouldn’t be there. Recognize that the reason you aren’t sending the email, finishing the project, whatever is, is because you are afraid. Is that a good reason to delay? Do you feel good about letting some vibration in your body (fear) keep you from doing your best work?

Recognize your fear and your negative self-talk and start being honest with yourself about where your real work lies. When you allow negative feedback to paralyze you it’s because of what you are making that feedback mean about yourself. It means that you have more work to do.

Get support

Whether you sign up to work with me or not, the fact of the matter is that we all need support to do hard things. From professional athletes to CEOs, they all have a support team. Find yours. Whether it’s a mentor, an affinity group, or a close friend, find someone who will help you keep a clear perspective on things. Free support is available all around you. Find it and stop twisting in the wind.

Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

The following are my ramblings for building a thriving practice. Take them as you will. Everyone’s experience will be different.

Network with everyone you know. Everyone.

You never know where these people will end up. From personal experience, I will tell you that once a person finds themselves in a position where they could actually send you legal work (e.g., in-house counsel at a Fortune 500 company), they are not amused when you suddenly call to buddy up to them after all these years. We all know what that call is really about.

Maintain true relationships with people so that when they do find themselves in a position to hire you, you are already top of their mind. Don’t try to force relationships to better your business position. People will sense it and shut. you. out.

Who to keep in contact with? This list is endless but here are a few ideas:

• Schoolmates who live in your city.
• Law school class mates.
• Current and former coworkers.
• Friends of your family members.
• Relatives.
• People you meet at networking events.

You get the picture. Do not discard anyone because they aren’t currently in a position to hire you as an attorney. You will be amazed at where people end up. Develop the relationship. The business will follow.

Join something. Anything.

Don’t overthink it. Just do it. Expand your reach and you will be amazed at where it may land. Examples of where to look:

• Chamber of commerce.
• Legal associations.
• Alumni associations.
• Affinity groups—dogs, plants, baking.
• Leadership programs.
• Toastmasters.
• Women’s organizations.
• Nonprofit guilds or boards.

Not only will this make you a more well-rounded and likely happier human, you might meet some people who can introduce you to future clients. If nothing else, you have something to put on your resume or discuss during an interview when someone asks, “What do you do for fun?”

Don’t like this line of thinking? Read Bowling Alone or The Happiness Project to learn why social interaction is so essential to our communities and our wellbeing.

Play the long game and postpone the elevator speech.

Business development is all about relationships. Pure and simple. If someone knows you and likes you and trusts you, they will do what they can to support you and see you succeed. That being said, cramming your elevator speech down their throats is not going to get you business. It’s probably going to annoy them. Save that for a later opportunity, when your new friend tells you about a business challenge they are having or asks you about your firm or your practice. Wait until they want to hear about it or until they need your advice. That, my friends, is when you present it. Wait until you know what problem they need solved and then present them with how you intend to solve it for them.

Meet with as many of your coworkers as possible.

Print off the employee roster and start making the rounds. Tell them you want to hear more about their practice or would like some insights into their work, the firm, or a particular client. Whatever. Just get those meetings/coffees/lunches scheduled and make it happen.

The goal: Learn from them and about them and allow them to learn about you and your practice.

These people will not only have clients that they might want you to support but they might have clients that NEED your support and they just don’t know it yet. Furthermore, these people will have invaluable insights in the firm, its people, and its politics. Schedule the meetings and start taking notes.

Examples of things to talk about:

• What do you think sets our firm apart from the others?
• Where do you see the firm going in the next 10 years?
• How do you think the firm has changed since you joined?
• What brought you to the firm?
• Tell me more about your story and how you ended up in law school and this firm?
• What are some ways you have found success in getting clients and developing your business?
• Tell me about your work and what you offer to our clients?
• What is your ‘target client’ and how could I help you with those clients?
• Are there areas you think I should learn or develop some additional knowledge that might help you or your clients?
• Would you like to hear about my practice area and how I support our clients?

This rule also applies to your peers at the firm. Fast forward 10 years into your practice–who do you hope will be sending you referrals or collaborating with you? Those peers are just as important as the partners and the clients.

When I left my first firm, I kept in touch with a few of the other female attorneys and partners I liked and respected. Years later, one of these friends recommended me for my current position. That friendship and connection paved the way for opportunities several years down the road. Had I lost contact with her after she left the firm, who knows where I would have landed.

When I got to work drumming up clients for my new practice group, I met with every partner I could pin down. I asked them to introduce me to their clients and others in the firm who could support me. Those meetings are where I built my practice. Those relationships plugged me in with clients who didn’t even know they needed my specialty.

Do your homework.

When you meet with a client (or a partner) for the first time, do you legwork. You should know about the company and have a general sense of their business. Review any governmental filings you can get your hands on. Review the internal files. Show up to that meeting already invested in that person and that client. People like to feel important. They like to feel special. By doing your homework you equip yourself with all the tools to let that other person know they are important to you.

When I was helping my clients interview and hire new service providers, I can’t tell you how many times we cut providers simply because they clearly didn’t know anything about the company and didn’t take the time to study my clients’ needs. Don’t be that service provider. Do the work.

Similarly, have your elevator speech ready if the opportunity arises. And never, ever, go to a meeting without a notepad, business cards, and marketing materials about your practice or a copy of the recent article you wrote.

Fill your calendar.

When you are newly hired, you won’t likely be busy right out of the gate. So, make sure your calendar stays full doing CLEs, meet and greets, networking events, reading relevant articles, preparing marketing materials or file memos on relevant developments. Offer to support partners in their marketing efforts or to track new legislation. Your calendar should be full. Get creative and find ways to fill it that will develop you, support the firm, and ideally benefit a partner or client. Sign up for speaking engagements, offer to speak at bar association events –force yourself to learn a topic and go speak about it. Too much for you? Offer to write a speech/presentation for a partner. Contact trade journals and offer to write an article or offer to support your partners in doing the same. If you spend your time trying to make your partners look good and make their lives easier, they won’t forget it.

Make yourself available.

This doesn’t mean that you always have to be 100% available and it doesn’t mean that you have to be at the office all hours of the day. Establish regular hours so people know when to expect you and feel like they can rely on you to be available when they need you. At a minimum, your hours should loosely track the hours kept by the partners you intend to support. Get people in the mindset of thinking of you as a person who is responsive and hardworking. Once they have that perception of you, studies have shown they will not likely change it, even if you change. Put in the time early on and become someone that others can count on.

Have a positive attitude and be open to anything.

You never know what will happen to the firm, your practice group, your area of expertise, or your mentor. Hedge your bets and be willing to learn and try new things for the first few years. Make yourself an invaluable and irreplaceable utility player.

Have your own back.

Make sure to keep diligent track of your marketing and development efforts. These tasks often go unseen by compensation committees and management. Do the work to track your efforts and advocate for yourself. If you don’t have your own back, how can you expect others to?

Struggling to implement your own practice development plan? Coach with me and learn from my experiences and create your own successful practice.