First, expect the worst. Okay, that sounds terrible but stay with me here…think about whatever it is you fear will happen at your next family gathering–that aunt will ask you for the 10,000th time, why you can’t find a husband, your cousin will ask you a million questions about his DUI even though you have told him you are a tax attorney, your mom will gently suggest that you skip that second helping of bread pudding (we all know what that means), or your brother will peacock around the house spouting off about how he is raking in the dough. All of those things that make your skin crawl; all those things that make you say “If they do this one more time, I’m going to lose my freaking mind…” Assume they will all happen. Why?

Because that is who these people are and people will rarely morph into the people you want them to be.

They have the absolute right to be whomever they want to be and when we show up hoping they will be different, we set ourselves up for a huge disappointment and drama. Instead, we just expect them to show up as they are, doing all the little things that they always do that drive us bananas.

Second, think about all the ways that those people want YOU to be different. Perhaps your grandmother wants you and your partner to get married, maybe your mom wants you to stop working and start breeding, your dad wishes you would stop getting tattoos, or your brother wishes you would be friendlier to his wife (whom you dislike). All of the humans in your life have ideas about how they want you to change. You are not exempt from this little game. Now, think about how much it bothers you when you feel those people judging you for all those things. Think about how much you would love it if these people would just let you be who you are and love you regardless, without all the judgment.

Third, decide to be the love and compassion that you want to receive. You can have a loving and accepting relationship with all of the humans that drive you crazy. You just have to decide to live in that space instead of playing the game. When your mom tells you to skip that second helping of bread pudding, you can choose to believe She is worried about my health and she thinks I eat like this all the time. She thinks I won’t find a partner if I’m overweight.

We can theorize and maybe even empathize with why these people are doing these things.

When she was my age, finding a husband was of prime importance and all women had to offer was their looks and their pedigree. She doesn’t understand how things work for women like me and that’s okay. We can accept that people don’t understand you and allow that to be okay–they might not understand your work, your values, your relationships to your body, your interest in tattoos or people of the same sex and that is okay. You don’t understand their confusion about all those things and that is also okay.

This holiday, what would it be like if we all just committed to showing up as we are and allowing others to do the same, warts and all?! We are all judging and, at times, confused by the lives of the people we love and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it could be what brings us all together–just a bunch of humans trying to figure things out and navigate their own paths while observing others on divergent journeys.

Cheers, my friends, I am thankful for all of you!

Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

I recently worked with a client who was hesitant to promote her new practice group. She had a marketing plan but wasn’t executing. She had marketing materials but she wasn’t distributing them. Why?

During our session, we discovered that she was afraid that people who received her marketing materials would judge her. That they wouldn’t like her. That they would think she wasn’t qualified.

We’ve all been there. That junior high fear of not being liked. We never seem to shake it!

The opposite side of that coin is the closely held belief that it’s important for other people to like you. It’s important not to be judged by others.

That belief keeps so many of us like my client paralyzed.

It is not possible to go through this life and have every human you encounter like you. Test this theory. Think of someone you think is unimpeachable. Run some Google searches to seek out their critics. You will be amazed. (I conducted this experiment with Mother Teresa. Yep, she had her haters too.)

You will always have people in your life who are going to judge you.

Get over it.

Move on.

When you cling to the belief that it’s important for other people to enjoy your lovely persona and appreciate everything you have to offer, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Every single person in your life is going to have a different notion of how you are supposed to act, what you are supposed to say,  and how you are supposed to spend your time. Those expectations will conflict. There is no way to meet everyone’s expectations of you.

Pleasing everyone is an impossibility; yet we secretly hope that everyone will like us.

The real question is my favorite: SO WHAT? So what if people don’t like you?

The “so what” in this story is really what is at the heart of this matter. When you ask yourself these questions, what you will likely discover is that it’s related to some thought about your worthiness.

We believe that if people don’t like you or if people judge you, it must be because something is wrong with you. It’s confirmation that you are doing it wrong.

There is part of you that wants to agree with them — they are right in their judgment and you are a failure.

When you place your worthiness in the hands of other people and the whims of their likes and dislikes, you are signing up for a course in misery. Why would you give those people all the power? I’m sure there are people in your life that you don’t really like and you don’t really trust but you are allowing their sentiment about you to dictate whether you believe there is something wrong with you.

Do you really want to give them all that power?

Or anyone for that matter?!

Besides, what does it even mean that “there’s something wrong” with you?

Who decides?

How do we know?

Who decides what is “right” about you?

You are subscribing to some undefinable standard and allowing other humans to decide whether you are worthy.

Those thoughts are not serving you. They keep you playing small.

When you transition your perspective to a belief that the only person who decides your worthiness is you, it becomes so much easier to start taking action.

Rip the worthiness metric out of the hands of your haters.

You are enough. Just as you are. How someone else perceives you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

You can’t control the humans; you have to stop living your life in a manner where you are trying to manipulate their thoughts about you.

You will not be everyone’s cup of tea. And. That. Is. Okay. That is how it works. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

In this life, people will judge you and criticize you. You always have a choice as to what you make that mean about yourself and your values. Stop making their words mean something negative about your abilities or value. That approach is never going to serve you or your career.

Your beliefs about yourself will either help you build the career of your dreams or they will help you crash and burn.

The choice is yours.

As part of my 6-week programs, I dedicate time specifically to the beliefs we carry about ourselves and how they impact our actions. Curious? Sign up for a free coaching consultation now before they are gone.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Why is it that we have such a hard time working with certain people?

What role do we play in this interpersonal tug-of-war?

I had a free mini-session earlier this week and my client was telling me that her boss often comes into her office unannounced and loudly explains to her what she has done wrong. He leaves her door open during these sessions so that her secretary, the associate next door, and anyone walking the hall can listen as he surmises her short-comings. These exchanges always left her mortified and angry and she wanted his behavior to stop.

Our challenges with other humans are usually founded upon some faulty beliefs:

There are basic principles and standards of how people should treat each other.

People don’t often act like they are supposed to.

Both of these lines of thinking are problematic. Both of these notions will cause you pain and suffering in your personal relationships.

How are people “supposed” to act?

Exactly as they do.

That is the nature of free will. That is every human’s right. When we tell ourselves people are supposed to act differently than they do, we are fighting against reality.

When you resist reality and argue that people should be different, you will lose (but only 100% of the time!).

There is no upside in thinking that others should act any differently than they do. Let it go. The way they act is exactly how they are supposed to act. Whatever they are saying and doing is not within your purview to judge or control. Just let it be.

The only thing you can control is how you decide to show up and respond to it.

For every relationship, many of us carry unspoken “manuals” about how the other person should act. The manual for our bosses states that they should be professional and collected. Sensitive to your needs and willing to guide your development and growth. They are not supposed to berate you or embarrass you.

They are not supposed to be horrible.

We believe that if they would just act how we want them to act, we would be happier and feel better about ourselves. That is a complete lost cause. That means that the only way we can feel more confident and secure with our practice is if the other person changes.

What are the odds of that working for you?!

We can’t control others. We’ve all tried at one time or other and discovered the impossibility of that task. So if we can’t control other humans and if other people dictate how we feel, we are all screwed.

We get to control how we receive the actions and words of our bosses. We get to decide what their actions mean about ourselves as attorneys and professionals.

When you spend all your energy ranting about how the other person “should” act and all the things they are doing wrong, you don’t give yourself the opportunity to decide how you want to show up in the that moment or what you want to think about their actions.

You are too busy being a victim of their actions.

Take your power back. Make CONSCIOUS decisions about what you want to think about that person and their actions. Be aware of how you interpret those actions to mean something negative about yourself.

There will always be “difficult people” in our lives but these people are not difficult because of how they “make us feel.”

They are difficult because they challenge us to examine our thoughts about ourselves and our judgments of others. That, my friends, is the real work of this life.

They are difficult because they challenge us to evolve.

Stop trying to change people and instead focus on evolving yourself. That, after all, is the only thing you can control (but only 100% of the time).

Practicing law is HARD. You will have more people who will challenge you than people who will build you up. Start learning how to deal today.

Stop letting them have the power over your happiness. Life is too damn short.

Photo by Atul Choudhary from Pexels

So often our struggles with others in our lives boil down to something very simple: we want these humans to act differently. We want our mothers-in-law to be kind and loving, we want our siblings to be non-judgmental and friendly, we want our parents to be welcoming and proud of their kids and grandkids. We want our spouses to be outgoing and friendly to our families, our partners should help us cook and clean for the holiday party, we want our kids to be on their best behavior and for GOD’S SAKE, can grandma just have one nice thing to say this year?!

Whether it’s the holidays or just another Monday, my clients are often challenged and frustrated by the other humans in their lives. In my experience, most of these relationship struggles are driven by our desire for others to act how we want them to act. For example, most of us want our spouses to be responsible, organized, considerate, and loving.

There is nothing wrong with those expectations. Those expectations form your “manual” for other humans fulfilling certain roles in your life. We all have manuals. The people in our lives have manuals for us too. For example, my partner would love for me to be a night owl who is easy-going and more than happy to spend all night binging on Tarantino films. I, however, would like him to have “normal” sleeping habits and sleep in the same bed with me at night.

It’s human nature to want and expect certain things from the people in our lives.

The problem is that we want other people to change and live according to our manual. We believe our manuals have their best interest in mind. We believe our manuals are the “correct” way to be. So, when other people don’t subscribe to our manuals or change to fit our models we lose. our. freaking. minds.

Many of my clients are so angry with their partners because they aren’t cleaner, they don’t help with the cooking, they aren’t good with money. etc. They truly believe they are angry because of their partner’s actions or inactions. That could not be farther from the truth.

When we are angry or sad about the actions of the people in our lives, the reason we are upset is because of our thoughts about those actions (or inactions). If my partner doesn’t vacuum the house, that fact is neither good nor bad. I make it something positive or negative by my thinking. Of course he didn’t vacuum, he never does anything around the house. This relationship is completely out of balance. I have to do everything around here. Those thoughts make me feel angry and indignant. Those thoughts lead to a lot of silent treatments and passive aggressive stomping around. Those thoughts typically set the stage for a battle.

Usually that battle brings to light the other person’s manual for you:  I work more than you and when I’m on my days off, I just want to relax and I don’t want to do housework.

Now we have a war of conflicting expectations. These types of small spats plant the seed for dueling manuals and un-met expectations that can rot a relationship from the inside out. Usually, my clients will explain that from these small spats, they are now bogged down with new and more interesting thoughts: We are never going to see eye-to-eye, we have totally different values, this is never going to work, he will never respect me, etc. When each party equally subscribes to the validity of their own model, no one wins. The relationship crack simply grows into a chasm as each party reveals more about their manual and how the other party doesn’t meet its criteria.

How do you move forward? First, recognize that you each have manuals for each other. Second, THAT IS OKAY. It’s human. You will both have expectations of how this relationship should work and how the other should act.

Next, decide if you are willing to live according to other person’s manual. My guess is that the answer is no. Either way, it is your choice. There are thousands of couples in this world that spend their entire relationship pretending to be something they are not. Trying to mold themselves to fit the other person’s expectations. I am not advocating for that approach, I am simply stating that it is not uncommon for people to choose this option. The question is this: Is that how you want to live your life? Is that how you want the other person to live their life? Is it important to you that you both be honest with each other about the relationship and who you want to be in that relationship? Do you want this person to have a relationship with you or their “manual” version of you and vice versa?

The other alternative is that you spend your life trying to find someone who fits your manual 110% on their own accord. Good luck with that. Even if that were possible, would it be beneficial to you to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t challenge you? Who acts exactly as you would prescribe?

Assuming you still want a relationship with this human, ask yourself if you are willing to love this person as they are—not who you want them to be.

Do you like the relationship once you stop fighting about each other’s manuals?

How do you get there? You must recognize that the only reason you feel upset and frustrated with the relationship is because you want the other person to change. You want them to act in a different way. It is not their actions that make you feel terrible, it is your thought that they should be different. They shouldn’t talk down to me, they shouldn’t criticize my weight, they should be more considerate, they should be more loving. Those thoughts all indicate that a manual is at work. Stop blaming them for how you feel and take 100% ownership for your feelings. Your thoughts are creating your feelings, not the other person.

Ask yourself how you want to feel about that other person. Do you want to feel love and kindness toward the other person? Do you want to feel compassion? You have complete access to those emotions now. You just need to access thoughts that will generate those emotions. Seems like a stretch, I know, but bear with me.

When you approach the person or the situation from a place of sheer curiosity, you can typically work into some thoughts that general feelings of compassion or love. For example, if your partner is terrible with money and you are furious about it, thinking why can’t you be more responsible, I can’t be with something who is always living paycheck to paycheck, consider asking yourself why your partner acts that way. What could be making them spend money with abandon? Maybe they were never taught how to handle finances, maybe their heart is bigger than their finance-brain so they spend all their money on other people? Maybe they are deeply insecure and spend money trying to feel better about themselves?

Having done that experiment, can you imagine circumstances in your life where you were uneducated, gave others too much of yourself, or felt insecure? If so, maybe you can relate to and have more compassion for their actions because you can typically find ways in which you might have acted similarly.

If you can examine the other person with curiosity, you can usually generate some compassion for how they are acting, given your own humanness. When you approach that relationship from a place of compassion and curiosity, you can have a productive conversation about the issue at hand. You can approach it from a place of love and understanding rather than a place of judgment, frustration, and ultimatums.

The rationale for this approach is that the key to every human relationship is to see each other as perfectly loveable and worthy. There is nothing that can make that person more loveable. They already are good enough. And so are you. When you are able to put aside your manual and approach other humans with curiosity, you can access that place of love and compassion. Those contributions will always advance the relationship. It doesn’t mean the other person will change and it doesn’t mean you don’t place healthy boundaries where needed—

Dear mother-in-law, if you criticize my husband, we are going to leave and will re-evaluate whether we are coming to Thanksgiving next year. 

What it means is that you can flex that muscle of compassion and learn to love that person for who they are. You meet them where they are, warts and all. From that place you can examine the relationship from a neutral place. Only once you remove the manuals, can you really experience the relationship as it truly is and experience the other person as they truly are. From there you can determine whether you want to be a part of that relationship.

As part of that process, you must evaluate your manual from a place of honesty with yourself. Why are the elements of your manual important to you? What will be different if the people in your life acted exactly as you wanted? What will be the same? When you examine you manual you are able to consider the rationale behind the manual and ask–do you like your reasons? Those answers will support you examination of the relationship from a place of honesty and compassion both for the other person and yourself.

In reality, what’s the alternative? Do you want to spend the entirety of the relationship spinning in frustration because the other person isn’t acting how you want them to act? Or would you rather find a way to love them and have compassion for them as they are? The choice is entirely up to you.

Cheers and happy holidays!

One of the most challenging things I bump into as a coach are clients who vehemently subscribe to beliefs about what is normal and what is not normal. They have so many strong beliefs about how things are supposed to be—whether it’s their partners, their jobs, or their homes.

Spouses are supposed to be responsible with their finances.

It’s normal to want a bigger house.

It’s normal to want to get married and have kids.

So who says what’s normal? More importantly, why do we care?

In thinking through this question, I went down the black hole that is The Google. It doesn’t take much digging to find all sorts of odd practices that were once considered “normal” that would now be considered bizarre or even illegal!

Have you ever caught yourself saying:

It’s weird that she doesn’t wear makeup.

It’s normal to want to make more money.

I make good money so I should drive a nicer car.

It’s normal to buy an expensive purse if I want to.

It’s normal to buy Starbucks every day.

It’s weird to ride your bike to work.

It’s weird when a woman doesn’t want to get married or have kids.

It’s normal to want a fancy engagement ring.

Have you ever asked yourself whether those thoughts are true?

One of the biggest challenges I see young attorneys face is how to handle their money once they land that first big job. So often I see them go out and buy an expensive car, huge house, or new wardrobe. Why? Because that was normal. That’s what you do when you get your first big job.

BUT WHY?!

Not only do we have these thoughts we aren’t questioning but we then go on to tell ourselves that it is “normal” so that we don’t need to question them. This is such a brain gimmick! There is no such thing as normal! You should always question your thoughts, beliefs, and actions. Why? So that you can like your reasons for the things you think, say, or do—so you can show up as an authentic human and not a robot!

Why does it matter that others think we are successful? Why does it matter that your purse cost $1,000? Why are those things important to you? Do you like your reasons?

People can spend their money however they choose but if people are not examining the underlying reasons for their spending, they are sleeping with the enemy. Shopping and spending money can be a buffer in the same way that overeating and overdrinking are. People splurge on things because they are looking for that momentary happiness—that endorphin rush that they get. They are spending money to try and make themselves feel better.

Feel better from what?

That is the true work. What feelings and thoughts are they trying to bury? When we tell ourselves that these types of activities are “normal” we are rationalizing our actions and trying to legitimize the buffer. We all know that once that high wears off from that splurge, you end up right back in the same place you started with those feelings you were trying to avoid. If you don’t confront those thoughts and feelings head-on, you will get really good at buffering and really terrible at emotional adulthood.

So, I ask you:

What are you doing in your life because you consider it “normal”?

Do you like your reasons?

As a coach I support my clients to uncover the hidden thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions that are preventing them from achieving their best life. We confront those feelings and discard the buffers and get to work on the real issues underneath it all. Give it a try, I’d be delighted to see what we can accomplish together!

Where do these “shoulds” come from?

Is there some universal guidebook out there that dictates how our family members, significant others, or friends should act? Is there some instruction manual that everyone else has but me? How does everyone know how they are supposed to act or what they should do in any given situation? Did someone forget to give me my copy?

The truth is that these shoulds are all just thoughts. There is no requirement that you must answer every call from your family member in order to be a good sister. There is also no requirement that your boss respect you or appreciate you or even give you credit for your work.

Every adult human being on the face of this planet has the absolute right to act any way that they want.

Their “shoulds” probably don’t match your shoulds. They are not going to act how you want them or expect them to act, no matter how hard you try.

Despite this truth, we spend so much time and effort being frustrated and irritated that our husband isn’t taking out the trash or that our friend never answers her phone when we call her. Modern therapists will often tell you that you need to communicate your needs to these people so that they can rise up and satisfy your needs. While I agree that communication is essential for any healthy relationship, I also believe there is something much more nefarious about this approach.

Let’s be honest. The real reason we are so frustrated is because these people are not acting how we want them to act.

And even when we tell them how we want them to act, they don’t do it and then we really get pissed and the relationship tension skyrockets. The problem is that when we tell someone these are my needs and I would like you to satisfy them so that I can be happier with our relationship, we are giving them all of our power. If the theory underlying that request is true, we are all screwed because the only way we can be happy based upon that theory is if the other person does what we ask.

How has that worked out for you?

I’m guessing not very well. Humans don’t want to be controlled or manipulated so that others can feel a certain way and no one should have that much power over your happiness. When we take this approach, we are basically saying The only way I can be happy with our relationship is if you will change your behavior to align with my needs. This sure looks like manipulation’s closely related cousin. We are trying to change others’ behavior; we are trying to control them in order to be happy. That does not seem like a recipe for a healthy relationship.

The only person who can influence and control your happiness is you.

What is really swirling around in the background and driving these relationship disputes are a whole lot of shoulds. He should be more affectionate . . . my boss should be nicer when she gives me feedback . . . she shouldn’t talk down to me . . . He should know the trash needs to go out, etc. These shoulds form a framework, we call a manual. The reason we think all of these things is because we have a manual of how a husband/boss/co-worker/friend is supposed to act. We have all these expectations about how these relationships are supposed to work. What’s more is that we rarely communicate these manuals to the people in our lives.

One of the first things I recommend in order to improve your relationships with other humans in your orbit is to first be aware of all the shoulds passing through your brain. Write them down. Don’t judge yourself for having them – that’s really just another should prancing around: You shouldn’t be so critical/judgmental, whatever. It’s just not productive. Be honest and write down all those expectations and thoughts. Once you have a clear sense of your secret manuals, you can start evaluating whether or not each element of the manual is important to you. Is it really important to you to believe that your husband should send you flowers on your birthday? Why? What are you making it mean when he doesn’t? Are those thoughts valid? Are they serving you and your relationship? Do you like your reasoning?

Now, we are not preparing instructions for a mail-order human here; at this point we just focus on what is really important to us because once we know that we can decide how to communicate that to the people in our lives. That is why it is so critical to evaluate the importance of each element in your manual – if you are too embarrassed to communicate that to the person at issue, then it’s probably not that important.

Now, here is the really critical piece of it . . . if and when you decide to express your “manual” to the other person, that person has the absolute right to choose to meet those expectations or to choose not to meet those standards. That person has no obligation to change to fit into your manual.

As a human, they can choose to act in any way that they want to. Period.

At this point, the work begins: you must accept that this person can choose to disregard your manual and that their choice is their choice and does not mean anything negative about you. You get to choose to be happy about the relationship, even where the other person doesn’t fit your manual. You can choose to think that you spoke your peace and feel resolution in that regard but you must release any and all expectation relating to their actions.

You are responsible for your happiness. Not them.

Most people choose to express their needs and get angry when the other person doesn’t change to satisfy them. That never works out. If you don’t want to live your life experiencing that result over and over again, you must choose to be happy with the relationship as it is and accept the other person for who they are – not what you are desperately trying to mold them into. Think about it. How do you YOU feel when someone tries to get you to act in a way that you don’t want to or when someone tries to make you do something you don’t want to?

These “shoulds” are arbitrary and capricious expectations that we have created with our thoughts and that we can change.

For example, if you think My boss should not need to yell at me in the hallway in front of everyone. You can decide whether your expectations of your boss are important enough for you to discuss with him/her directly. Whether you have the discussion or not, just know that he does not have to change to fit into your model of a “good boss” and he probably won’t. He is acting just as he should – we know because that is how he is acting! He can choose to act in any way that he wants and he doesn’t need to change for your to feel better about your worth or skills.

The reason you feel crappy isn’t because of him yelling at you in the hallway. You feel crappy because of what you are making it mean when he yells at you. Because of what you are thinking about it – I am so embarrassed, everyone is judging me, everyone thinks I’m an idiot, I can’t believe he did that to me, everyone saw and is probably talking about it. Those thoughts are what are making you feel miserable. He can yell at you and you can have completely different thoughts that aren’t going to make you feel like crap – You must be a really sad human to treat other people like that . . . when I leave this firm, I hope you see how this played a role in my decision . . . you are just really stressed about your big client that just left . . . I am good at my job and everyone knows it . . . you are just being dramatic. The point is, you don’t have to make it about you and you don’t have to make it something negative.

If you can clean up your thoughts around other people and stop thinking about how they should be acting, you will stop caring so much about that manual. It won’t matter as much because you will find that there is nothing the other person can do that will impact your happiness – that power rests with you and you alone.

Now, just to be clear, I am not saying that you should just be a doormat and let other people treat you like crap. What I’m saying is that we need to clear all the shoulds and BS from our heads before can we can clearly evaluate a relationship and make a decision about whether we want that relationship in our life. If our discomfort around another human is all being driven by unspoken expectations and manuals, we have some work to do. This work will help you examine what’s really going on without all the drama. What is really going on with this person and why does it bother you so much? It is really that important? What am I gaining from maintaining that manual for this person? Are those expectations serving me and this relationship?

I promise you, the work you will do with the manual and other humans can transform your life and your happiness. Besides, it will absolutely be easier than trying to change everyone around you, right? We all carry manuals for the people in our lives. Work with me and let me break down those shoulds so your relationships can blossom.

I recently spent some time at a work conference in NYC. As I sat there the first morning and looked around, I found myself in a foul mood. I couldn’t figure out what I was so irritated about. So I started writing down my thoughts… 

I hate stuff like this… I don’t want to meet new people… I don’t want to make small talk…this is dumb…I don’t want to be friends with these people…

And then when I started being curious and asking why I hated stuff “like this” and why I didn’t want to talk to anyone, my brain was more than happy to explain: 

We are all competitors, I don’t want to be friends…you all probably think I’m some country bumpkin who doesn’t know her way around the law…I’m sure you’re all thinking I look like an idiot and probably have no idea what I’m doing…you are all judging me and thinking you are better than me…

Clearly, I was on some defensive mission. I imagined that all these people were making judgments about me and criticizing me while pretending to be friendly. In turn, I was fuming and hating them for it. So, naturally, my brain opted to engage in its own bad behavior and started criticizing them. It was a pretty amazing spectacle to observe. I had convinced myself that they were judging me and I’d be damned if there were going to get through this day without me judging them right back. Ha! I was going to show THEM who was right and who was wrong. I wasn’t going to let them mentally bad mouth me without any recourse!  I was on to their game!

Alas, there was the cause of my misery and dark mood. It was almost humorous in its simplicity. My mind had taken off on its own and it was making me miserable. I was swimming in a pool of frustration and bitterness . . . I don’t even want to be here, this is dumb, they are all criticizing everything I say, they think I’m dumb but I already know all of this information, what a waste of time, etc. In reality, no one said anything unkind. In fact, at that point, no one had said anything to me! There was no indication of judgment what-so-ever. Everyone was incredibly friendly and welcoming and the conference was lovely. The only bad behavior was my own thoughts and I was in a rotten mood because of it until I got my thoughts under control.  

This happens so often and it brings to mind a few critical coaching lessons:  

If you spot it you got it – if you point a finger at one person, there are three fingers pointing right back at you – the things we disdain in others, are likely the things we disdain in ourselves – hurt people, hurt people  

I had convinced myself that these people were judging me unfairly, so in turn, I was judging them harshly and without merit. Judgmental people are one of my pet peeves – but isn’t that, in and of itself, a judgment?! More often than not when we find ourselves judging other people about a particular personality characteristic or action, it is often because we have that characteristic in ourselves and we don’t like it.  If we weren’t so intimately familiar with that characteristic, we probably wouldn’t be able to notice it in others, right?

For example, I had a client who came to me furious about her brother. She felt that he was always putting on airs and not being himself around the rest of the family.  

He just wouldn’t open up and was always being fake, she said. 

What do you do when you are around him and he acts like that, I asked. 

I clam up; it makes me so uncomfortable, I don’t even know what to say to him!  

So, when he’s around, would you say that you are not being yourself? Would you say that is because you are uncomfortable? Is it possible that he too, is uncomfortable and that is why he is acting that way? Do you see that you are frustrated because he is not being genuine so in turn, you are uncomfortable and not showing up authentically?

Do you see!?

Often times when we criticize someone for acting a certain way or doing a certain thing, we are likely doing the exact same thing we are condemning!

Furthermore, when we catch ourselves judging someone else about something they are doing, if we can evaluate how we too have shown those characteristics in our own lives, we can see that person with so much more compassion! Instead of judging that behavior we can relate to it, understand it, and perhaps let go of that judgment and replace it with empathy.  

The next time you catch yourself criticizing or judging, ask yourself if you have ever engaged in similar behavior or whether you can relate to what that person might be thinking that may be causing them to act that way. It’s a game changer! 

The second thing that came to me was this: when you find yourself judging others, take a look at your thoughts driving that judgment. Is there something about the situation that is bringing up insecurities or fears? Are you operating from ‘fight or flight’ mode?  What thoughts or feelings are you trying to avoid by mentally lashing out at others?  

In my case, I was trying to avoid feeling like an outsider. I was afraid of feeling like I was “less than” the others around me and I was afraid that I wouldn’t fit in. Instead of feeling those fears and proceeding anyway, my reptilian brain went into “fight or flight” mode and obviously, chose FIGHT. I was going to fight with everyone (in my head, of course) and let them know how worthy I was and how dare they think otherwise!!

Instead of being myself and being vulnerable, I shut down and closed off, lest I be measured and found lacking. I was scared and uncomfortable. My feelings were driven by all sorts of nasty thoughts about my worth and value and in the end, I was feeling terrible all by my own hand. The end result was that I wasn’t showing up as myself. I was closed off. I was making myself the outsider that I was so desperately trying NOT to be. Pure craziness! 

As a life coach, I don’t have it all figured out and I am just as human and fallible as the next person. What I do have is a good understanding of my brain and how my thoughts drive my feelings, actions, and results every moment of every day. I was able to get to the root of my sour mood and resolve it in a way that lead to greater clarity about myself and my fears.

Every bad mood and negative feeling is simply an opportunity to explore your mind and deepen your relationship with yourself.  This is the journey of life!

Interested in continuing this work? Sign up for a free coaching consultation with me!