First, Let’s Expect the Unexpected (or Expected)

You might already be bracing for certain moments: your aunt asking you—again—why you’re still single, your cousin pressing you for divorce advice even though you’re a tax attorney, or your mom making a subtle comment about skipping the bread pudding. Rather than hoping that this year will be different, expect these things to happen. It sounds counterintuitive, but stay with me.

These family members are who they are, and rarely will they morph into the people we want them to be. By expecting them to show up exactly as they always do, you can release the hope that this time will be different—and in doing so, you’ll reduce disappointment and preempt a lot of drama.

Doing so will also allow you the time and space to do your own work–accepting the person as they are and mourning any ideas you may be harboring about who the person or relationship could have been or should have been. Anger is the first stage of the grieving process and the sooner we stop being angry when the people we love aren’t “better” than they are, we can get on to emotionally processing that those relationships may never be what we want them to be. To do so, we have to stop expecting them to be different, stop being angry when they aren’t different, and move on to the next stage of processing/grieving.

Check Your Mood Elevator

The Mood Elevator is a concept developed by business consultant and author Larry Senn, designed to help individuals understand and manage their emotions. It is often represented as a metaphorical “elevator” that moves up and down, depending on your mood and emotional state. At the top of the Mood Elevator, you have positive, high-energy emotions like:

• Love
• Gratitude
• Creativity
• Humor
• Patience
• Curiosity

As the elevator descends, you encounter lower-energy, more negative emotions like:

• Irritation
• Impatience
• Worry
• Frustration
• Anger
• Depression
• Hopelessness

The idea behind the Mood Elevator is that, by recognizing which “floor” you’re on at any given moment, you can become more aware of your emotional state. This awareness helps you make better decisions, communicate more effectively, and improve your overall well-being. The goal isn’t necessarily to stay at the top of the elevator all the time but to recognize when you’re descending and develop strategies to move back up into more productive emotional states. It encourages self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional thinking.

Understanding your position on the Mood Elevator can improve how you navigate stressful situations, communicate with others, and handle decision-making.

Before you engage with that challenging family member, ask yourself: Where am I on my Mood Elevator? If you’re already feeling annoyed or defensive, you’re operating from a low level, which only fuels conflict. But if you can move yourself higher up the elevator—toward curiosity, for instance—you’ll approach those inevitable family triggers with a different mindset. If curiosity isn’t accessible to you, consider taking a break and removing yourself from the situation (more on this later).

Curiosity Over Judgment

For many of us, curiosity is the fulcrum emotion that can help us transition from the lower level energies to a higher level frequency. For instance, can you access curiosity about why they’re acting that way, rather than just being irritated by it? When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to slip into judgment—Why can’t they just let me live my life? But what if, instead, you approached those moments with genuine curiosity? Instead of resenting your aunt’s question about your love life, wonder about her thought process. Why does she think this is so important? What might she be worried about?

Curiosity is a game-changer. It helps you step out of your own bubble and consider someone else’s perspective. And when we engage with curiosity, we move up the Mood Elevator—out of frustration and into empathy. This simple shift can open the door to deeper understanding and kinder conversations.

Consider How You Want Others to Change

Here’s another reality: just as your family members have opinions about how you should be, you probably have ideas about how they should be too. Maybe your grandmother wishes you were married, your brother wants you to be friendlier to his wife, or your mom wishes you’d stop getting tattoos. It bothers you when they judge you, but we also we have all sorts of ideas about how they should be different. Imagine how much more peaceful things would be if everyone could just be themselves—including you. You don’t want to be judged, so why judge them? This holiday season, you have the power to be the love and compassion you seek. When your mom makes that bread pudding comment, instead of rolling your eyes or getting defensive, you could think, She’s coming from a place of concern, even if it doesn’t land that way for me.

Managing Emotions: Take a Step Back

Let’s be honest: family gatherings can stir up a lot of emotions, and when you’re riding low on the Mood Elevator, it’s easy to overreact. Recognizing when you need a break is crucial. If you feel yourself getting triggered, step outside, take a deep breath, or even excuse yourself for a few minutes. This small pause can help you manage your emotions before they spiral out of control.

Mindfulness practices—such as focusing on your breath or taking a few minutes to ground yourself—can help you stay present and avoid letting emotions dictate your responses.

Setting Expectations and Boundaries

Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting your own emotional well-being. If you know that certain conversations or situations will stress you out, it’s okay to set clear boundaries. For instance, if your cousin always brings up sensitive topics, you can kindly say, “I’d rather not talk about that today, let’s focus on catching up.”

At the same time, give yourself permission to disengage from topics that lead to frustration. Boundaries help prevent unnecessary tension and keep you in a healthier emotional state.

Letting Go of Control

Ultimately, people will be who they are, and we can’t control that. What we can control is how we choose to respond. As humans, we’re naturally wired to want things to go a certain way—especially during the holidays when emotions are heightened. But what would it be like if, instead of trying to make everyone behave the way you want, you let go of that control?

This holiday, let’s make a conscious effort to show up as we are, and let others do the same—warts and all.

Embrace Empathy and Compassion

Imagine if you chose not to make their comments mean anything about you and you didn’t let their judgments—spoken or unspoken—define you or impact your mood. You decided, instead, to focus on your own emotional well-being and let the small stuff slide.

When you shift your perspective, when you rise up on the Mood Elevator by choosing curiosity, empathy, and compassion, you open the door to better connection. You can choose to see your mom’s bread pudding comment as her love language, even if it’s a little misplaced. You can see your cousin’s incessant questions as his way of seeking connection, even if it annoys you.

The more you lean into curiosity and empathy, the easier it becomes to navigate family dynamics without losing yourself in frustration or resentment.

Cheers to a Peaceful Holiday Season

This holiday season, I challenge you to shift your approach. Expect your family members to be who they are, use curiosity to understand them, and let go of the need for them to change. Ride higher on the Mood Elevator toward understanding, compassion, and connection. And, most importantly, give yourself and others the gift of acceptance.

Cheers, my friends—I’m thankful for all of you, and wishing you a Thanksgiving season filled with peace, joy, and a little extra curiosity!

If you are struggling with difficult humans in your orbit, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free coaching consultation and get some free support today!

Photo by fauxels

First, expect the worst. Okay, that sounds terrible but stay with me here…think about whatever it is you fear will happen at your next family gathering–that aunt will ask you for the 10,000th time, why you can’t find a husband, your cousin will ask you a million questions about his DUI even though you have told him you are a tax attorney, your mom will gently suggest that you skip that second helping of bread pudding (we all know what that means), or your brother will peacock around the house spouting off about how he is raking in the dough. All of those things that make your skin crawl; all those things that make you say “If they do this one more time, I’m going to lose my freaking mind…” Assume they will all happen. Why?

Because that is who these people are and people will rarely morph into the people you want them to be.

They have the absolute right to be whomever they want to be and when we show up hoping they will be different, we set ourselves up for a huge disappointment and drama. Instead, we just expect them to show up as they are, doing all the little things that they always do that drive us bananas.

Second, think about all the ways that those people want YOU to be different. Perhaps your grandmother wants you and your partner to get married, maybe your mom wants you to stop working and start breeding, your dad wishes you would stop getting tattoos, or your brother wishes you would be friendlier to his wife (whom you dislike). All of the humans in your life have ideas about how they want you to change. You are not exempt from this little game. Now, think about how much it bothers you when you feel those people judging you for all those things. Think about how much you would love it if these people would just let you be who you are and love you regardless, without all the judgment.

Third, decide to be the love and compassion that you want to receive. You can have a loving and accepting relationship with all of the humans that drive you crazy. You just have to decide to live in that space instead of playing the game. When your mom tells you to skip that second helping of bread pudding, you can choose to believe She is worried about my health and she thinks I eat like this all the time. She thinks I won’t find a partner if I’m overweight.

We can theorize and maybe even empathize with why these people are doing these things.

When she was my age, finding a husband was of prime importance and all women had to offer was their looks and their pedigree. She doesn’t understand how things work for women like me and that’s okay. We can accept that people don’t understand you and allow that to be okay–they might not understand your work, your values, your relationships to your body, your interest in tattoos or people of the same sex and that is okay. You don’t understand their confusion about all those things and that is also okay.

This holiday, what would it be like if we all just committed to showing up as we are and allowing others to do the same, warts and all?! We are all judging and, at times, confused by the lives of the people we love and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it could be what brings us all together–just a bunch of humans trying to figure things out and navigate their own paths while observing others on divergent journeys.

Cheers, my friends, I am thankful for all of you!

Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

So often our struggles with others in our lives boil down to something very simple: we want these humans to act differently. We want our mothers-in-law to be kind and loving, we want our siblings to be non-judgmental and friendly, we want our parents to be welcoming and proud of their kids and grandkids. We want our spouses to be outgoing and friendly to our families, our partners should help us cook and clean for the holiday party, we want our kids to be on their best behavior and for GOD’S SAKE, can grandma just have one nice thing to say this year?!

Whether it’s the holidays or just another Monday, my clients are often challenged and frustrated by the other humans in their lives. In my experience, most of these relationship struggles are driven by our desire for others to act how we want them to act. For example, most of us want our spouses to be responsible, organized, considerate, and loving.

There is nothing wrong with those expectations. Those expectations form your “manual” for other humans fulfilling certain roles in your life. We all have manuals. The people in our lives have manuals for us too. For example, my partner would love for me to be a night owl who is easy-going and more than happy to spend all night binging on Tarantino films. I, however, would like him to have “normal” sleeping habits and sleep in the same bed with me at night.

It’s human nature to want and expect certain things from the people in our lives.

The problem is that we want other people to change and live according to our manual. We believe our manuals have their best interest in mind. We believe our manuals are the “correct” way to be. So, when other people don’t subscribe to our manuals or change to fit our models we lose. our. freaking. minds.

Many of my clients are so angry with their partners because they aren’t cleaner, they don’t help with the cooking, they aren’t good with money. etc. They truly believe they are angry because of their partner’s actions or inactions. That could not be farther from the truth.

When we are angry or sad about the actions of the people in our lives, the reason we are upset is because of our thoughts about those actions (or inactions). If my partner doesn’t vacuum the house, that fact is neither good nor bad. I make it something positive or negative by my thinking. Of course he didn’t vacuum, he never does anything around the house. This relationship is completely out of balance. I have to do everything around here. Those thoughts make me feel angry and indignant. Those thoughts lead to a lot of silent treatments and passive aggressive stomping around. Those thoughts typically set the stage for a battle.

Usually that battle brings to light the other person’s manual for you:  I work more than you and when I’m on my days off, I just want to relax and I don’t want to do housework.

Now we have a war of conflicting expectations. These types of small spats plant the seed for dueling manuals and un-met expectations that can rot a relationship from the inside out. Usually, my clients will explain that from these small spats, they are now bogged down with new and more interesting thoughts: We are never going to see eye-to-eye, we have totally different values, this is never going to work, he will never respect me, etc. When each party equally subscribes to the validity of their own model, no one wins. The relationship crack simply grows into a chasm as each party reveals more about their manual and how the other party doesn’t meet its criteria.

How do you move forward? First, recognize that you each have manuals for each other. Second, THAT IS OKAY. It’s human. You will both have expectations of how this relationship should work and how the other should act.

Next, decide if you are willing to live according to other person’s manual. My guess is that the answer is no. Either way, it is your choice. There are thousands of couples in this world that spend their entire relationship pretending to be something they are not. Trying to mold themselves to fit the other person’s expectations. I am not advocating for that approach, I am simply stating that it is not uncommon for people to choose this option. The question is this: Is that how you want to live your life? Is that how you want the other person to live their life? Is it important to you that you both be honest with each other about the relationship and who you want to be in that relationship? Do you want this person to have a relationship with you or their “manual” version of you and vice versa?

The other alternative is that you spend your life trying to find someone who fits your manual 110% on their own accord. Good luck with that. Even if that were possible, would it be beneficial to you to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t challenge you? Who acts exactly as you would prescribe?

Assuming you still want a relationship with this human, ask yourself if you are willing to love this person as they are—not who you want them to be.

Do you like the relationship once you stop fighting about each other’s manuals?

How do you get there? You must recognize that the only reason you feel upset and frustrated with the relationship is because you want the other person to change. You want them to act in a different way. It is not their actions that make you feel terrible, it is your thought that they should be different. They shouldn’t talk down to me, they shouldn’t criticize my weight, they should be more considerate, they should be more loving. Those thoughts all indicate that a manual is at work. Stop blaming them for how you feel and take 100% ownership for your feelings. Your thoughts are creating your feelings, not the other person.

Ask yourself how you want to feel about that other person. Do you want to feel love and kindness toward the other person? Do you want to feel compassion? You have complete access to those emotions now. You just need to access thoughts that will generate those emotions. Seems like a stretch, I know, but bear with me.

When you approach the person or the situation from a place of sheer curiosity, you can typically work into some thoughts that general feelings of compassion or love. For example, if your partner is terrible with money and you are furious about it, thinking why can’t you be more responsible, I can’t be with something who is always living paycheck to paycheck, consider asking yourself why your partner acts that way. What could be making them spend money with abandon? Maybe they were never taught how to handle finances, maybe their heart is bigger than their finance-brain so they spend all their money on other people? Maybe they are deeply insecure and spend money trying to feel better about themselves?

Having done that experiment, can you imagine circumstances in your life where you were uneducated, gave others too much of yourself, or felt insecure? If so, maybe you can relate to and have more compassion for their actions because you can typically find ways in which you might have acted similarly.

If you can examine the other person with curiosity, you can usually generate some compassion for how they are acting, given your own humanness. When you approach that relationship from a place of compassion and curiosity, you can have a productive conversation about the issue at hand. You can approach it from a place of love and understanding rather than a place of judgment, frustration, and ultimatums.

The rationale for this approach is that the key to every human relationship is to see each other as perfectly loveable and worthy. There is nothing that can make that person more loveable. They already are good enough. And so are you. When you are able to put aside your manual and approach other humans with curiosity, you can access that place of love and compassion. Those contributions will always advance the relationship. It doesn’t mean the other person will change and it doesn’t mean you don’t place healthy boundaries where needed—

Dear mother-in-law, if you criticize my husband, we are going to leave and will re-evaluate whether we are coming to Thanksgiving next year. 

What it means is that you can flex that muscle of compassion and learn to love that person for who they are. You meet them where they are, warts and all. From that place you can examine the relationship from a neutral place. Only once you remove the manuals, can you really experience the relationship as it truly is and experience the other person as they truly are. From there you can determine whether you want to be a part of that relationship.

As part of that process, you must evaluate your manual from a place of honesty with yourself. Why are the elements of your manual important to you? What will be different if the people in your life acted exactly as you wanted? What will be the same? When you examine you manual you are able to consider the rationale behind the manual and ask–do you like your reasons? Those answers will support you examination of the relationship from a place of honesty and compassion both for the other person and yourself.

In reality, what’s the alternative? Do you want to spend the entirety of the relationship spinning in frustration because the other person isn’t acting how you want them to act? Or would you rather find a way to love them and have compassion for them as they are? The choice is entirely up to you.

Cheers and happy holidays!