First, Let’s Expect the Unexpected (or Expected)

You might already be bracing for certain moments: your aunt asking you—again—why you’re still single, your cousin pressing you for divorce advice even though you’re a tax attorney, or your mom making a subtle comment about skipping the bread pudding. Rather than hoping that this year will be different, expect these things to happen. It sounds counterintuitive, but stay with me.

These family members are who they are, and rarely will they morph into the people we want them to be. By expecting them to show up exactly as they always do, you can release the hope that this time will be different—and in doing so, you’ll reduce disappointment and preempt a lot of drama.

Doing so will also allow you the time and space to do your own work–accepting the person as they are and mourning any ideas you may be harboring about who the person or relationship could have been or should have been. Anger is the first stage of the grieving process and the sooner we stop being angry when the people we love aren’t “better” than they are, we can get on to emotionally processing that those relationships may never be what we want them to be. To do so, we have to stop expecting them to be different, stop being angry when they aren’t different, and move on to the next stage of processing/grieving.

Check Your Mood Elevator

The Mood Elevator is a concept developed by business consultant and author Larry Senn, designed to help individuals understand and manage their emotions. It is often represented as a metaphorical “elevator” that moves up and down, depending on your mood and emotional state. At the top of the Mood Elevator, you have positive, high-energy emotions like:

• Love
• Gratitude
• Creativity
• Humor
• Patience
• Curiosity

As the elevator descends, you encounter lower-energy, more negative emotions like:

• Irritation
• Impatience
• Worry
• Frustration
• Anger
• Depression
• Hopelessness

The idea behind the Mood Elevator is that, by recognizing which “floor” you’re on at any given moment, you can become more aware of your emotional state. This awareness helps you make better decisions, communicate more effectively, and improve your overall well-being. The goal isn’t necessarily to stay at the top of the elevator all the time but to recognize when you’re descending and develop strategies to move back up into more productive emotional states. It encourages self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional thinking.

Understanding your position on the Mood Elevator can improve how you navigate stressful situations, communicate with others, and handle decision-making.

Before you engage with that challenging family member, ask yourself: Where am I on my Mood Elevator? If you’re already feeling annoyed or defensive, you’re operating from a low level, which only fuels conflict. But if you can move yourself higher up the elevator—toward curiosity, for instance—you’ll approach those inevitable family triggers with a different mindset. If curiosity isn’t accessible to you, consider taking a break and removing yourself from the situation (more on this later).

Curiosity Over Judgment

For many of us, curiosity is the fulcrum emotion that can help us transition from the lower level energies to a higher level frequency. For instance, can you access curiosity about why they’re acting that way, rather than just being irritated by it? When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to slip into judgment—Why can’t they just let me live my life? But what if, instead, you approached those moments with genuine curiosity? Instead of resenting your aunt’s question about your love life, wonder about her thought process. Why does she think this is so important? What might she be worried about?

Curiosity is a game-changer. It helps you step out of your own bubble and consider someone else’s perspective. And when we engage with curiosity, we move up the Mood Elevator—out of frustration and into empathy. This simple shift can open the door to deeper understanding and kinder conversations.

Consider How You Want Others to Change

Here’s another reality: just as your family members have opinions about how you should be, you probably have ideas about how they should be too. Maybe your grandmother wishes you were married, your brother wants you to be friendlier to his wife, or your mom wishes you’d stop getting tattoos. It bothers you when they judge you, but we also we have all sorts of ideas about how they should be different. Imagine how much more peaceful things would be if everyone could just be themselves—including you. You don’t want to be judged, so why judge them? This holiday season, you have the power to be the love and compassion you seek. When your mom makes that bread pudding comment, instead of rolling your eyes or getting defensive, you could think, She’s coming from a place of concern, even if it doesn’t land that way for me.

Managing Emotions: Take a Step Back

Let’s be honest: family gatherings can stir up a lot of emotions, and when you’re riding low on the Mood Elevator, it’s easy to overreact. Recognizing when you need a break is crucial. If you feel yourself getting triggered, step outside, take a deep breath, or even excuse yourself for a few minutes. This small pause can help you manage your emotions before they spiral out of control.

Mindfulness practices—such as focusing on your breath or taking a few minutes to ground yourself—can help you stay present and avoid letting emotions dictate your responses.

Setting Expectations and Boundaries

Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting your own emotional well-being. If you know that certain conversations or situations will stress you out, it’s okay to set clear boundaries. For instance, if your cousin always brings up sensitive topics, you can kindly say, “I’d rather not talk about that today, let’s focus on catching up.”

At the same time, give yourself permission to disengage from topics that lead to frustration. Boundaries help prevent unnecessary tension and keep you in a healthier emotional state.

Letting Go of Control

Ultimately, people will be who they are, and we can’t control that. What we can control is how we choose to respond. As humans, we’re naturally wired to want things to go a certain way—especially during the holidays when emotions are heightened. But what would it be like if, instead of trying to make everyone behave the way you want, you let go of that control?

This holiday, let’s make a conscious effort to show up as we are, and let others do the same—warts and all.

Embrace Empathy and Compassion

Imagine if you chose not to make their comments mean anything about you and you didn’t let their judgments—spoken or unspoken—define you or impact your mood. You decided, instead, to focus on your own emotional well-being and let the small stuff slide.

When you shift your perspective, when you rise up on the Mood Elevator by choosing curiosity, empathy, and compassion, you open the door to better connection. You can choose to see your mom’s bread pudding comment as her love language, even if it’s a little misplaced. You can see your cousin’s incessant questions as his way of seeking connection, even if it annoys you.

The more you lean into curiosity and empathy, the easier it becomes to navigate family dynamics without losing yourself in frustration or resentment.

Cheers to a Peaceful Holiday Season

This holiday season, I challenge you to shift your approach. Expect your family members to be who they are, use curiosity to understand them, and let go of the need for them to change. Ride higher on the Mood Elevator toward understanding, compassion, and connection. And, most importantly, give yourself and others the gift of acceptance.

Cheers, my friends—I’m thankful for all of you, and wishing you a Thanksgiving season filled with peace, joy, and a little extra curiosity!

If you are struggling with difficult humans in your orbit, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free coaching consultation and get some free support today!

Photo by fauxels

First, expect the worst. Okay, that sounds terrible but stay with me here…think about whatever it is you fear will happen at your next family gathering–that aunt will ask you for the 10,000th time, why you can’t find a husband, your cousin will ask you a million questions about his DUI even though you have told him you are a tax attorney, your mom will gently suggest that you skip that second helping of bread pudding (we all know what that means), or your brother will peacock around the house spouting off about how he is raking in the dough. All of those things that make your skin crawl; all those things that make you say “If they do this one more time, I’m going to lose my freaking mind…” Assume they will all happen. Why?

Because that is who these people are and people will rarely morph into the people you want them to be.

They have the absolute right to be whomever they want to be and when we show up hoping they will be different, we set ourselves up for a huge disappointment and drama. Instead, we just expect them to show up as they are, doing all the little things that they always do that drive us bananas.

Second, think about all the ways that those people want YOU to be different. Perhaps your grandmother wants you and your partner to get married, maybe your mom wants you to stop working and start breeding, your dad wishes you would stop getting tattoos, or your brother wishes you would be friendlier to his wife (whom you dislike). All of the humans in your life have ideas about how they want you to change. You are not exempt from this little game. Now, think about how much it bothers you when you feel those people judging you for all those things. Think about how much you would love it if these people would just let you be who you are and love you regardless, without all the judgment.

Third, decide to be the love and compassion that you want to receive. You can have a loving and accepting relationship with all of the humans that drive you crazy. You just have to decide to live in that space instead of playing the game. When your mom tells you to skip that second helping of bread pudding, you can choose to believe She is worried about my health and she thinks I eat like this all the time. She thinks I won’t find a partner if I’m overweight.

We can theorize and maybe even empathize with why these people are doing these things.

When she was my age, finding a husband was of prime importance and all women had to offer was their looks and their pedigree. She doesn’t understand how things work for women like me and that’s okay. We can accept that people don’t understand you and allow that to be okay–they might not understand your work, your values, your relationships to your body, your interest in tattoos or people of the same sex and that is okay. You don’t understand their confusion about all those things and that is also okay.

This holiday, what would it be like if we all just committed to showing up as we are and allowing others to do the same, warts and all?! We are all judging and, at times, confused by the lives of the people we love and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it could be what brings us all together–just a bunch of humans trying to figure things out and navigate their own paths while observing others on divergent journeys.

Cheers, my friends, I am thankful for all of you!

Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

I believe that our relationships with the people in our lives are based purely in our minds. Our relationship does not exist independently of each person; rather, the relationship is completely dependent upon each individual. Each person has their version of the relationship that they keep and create within themselves. Each person may see the relationship differently and they most certainly will see themselves differently within the relationship as compared to how the other person may see them.

Having reached that conclusion, it follows that:

 our relationships with others are simply a compilation of thoughts about the other person.

That’s it. Knowing that, we then have complete autonomy to make the relationships in our lives whatever we want them to be.

There is no such thing as “I have a terrible relationship with my sister.” That is only an opinion. That opinion is one that the holder inevitably has all sorts of support for: evidence culled from the parties’ history to *prove* that the parties have a terrible relationship. That interpretation of the past and that perception of the evidence is completely one-sided. It is all founded in opinions of the individual person. Those opinions, when taken together, do not create a fact.

When we decide to believe something–my boss is jerk–our brains will get to work finding all the evidence of that belief within our present and past existence. Our brain will not sort through the data in an unbiased manner and weigh the information to determine whether that belief is true. We have already concluded that it is true and now our brain will seek evidence to support it. This is confirmation bias, in its simplest state.

We must become aware that we make decisions in every moment about our relationships.

We have made conclusions about our relationship with each person we encounter. If we want better relationships or different relationships in our lives, we have to change the way we think about the people in our lives. If you want a better relationship with your sister, you have to stop believing that your sister is a selfish little brat. You have to stop telling yourself that the two of you will never see eye to eye.

When we treat our perceptions of relationships as factual, we foreclose the possibility of ever having a different relationship with the people around us. So often, we wish we had better relationships with others but we overlook our role in the relationship–the only reason a relationship is “good” or “bad” is because of where you are choosing to focus your interpretation of the relationship. You will never have a good relationships with someone when you are only focusing on the negative aspects of the relationship.

I find it easiest to put into context with people we love implicitly–whether that’s a parent, a child, a niece or nephew or even a pet. There are people in our lives that we love completely. They have faults and shortcomings that we overlook because we love them. We choose not to focus our energies on the facts that they always borrow your clothes and never return them, are always broke, or can’t help to stop peeing on the carpet.

We focus instead on all the positive aspects of the relationship–that is why it is so easy to think of them so fondly! It is not because the relationship is inherently good; we have simply chosen to perceive it that way. There could certainly be people in this world who would not be willing to overlook a partner’s messiness or irresponsibility with money, who can’t get over a pet who periodically has an accident. For those people, those relationships will not be characterized as good because they are not choosing to focus on any of the goodness.

This does NOT mean we have to think lovely thoughts about all the people in our lives.

What this does mean is that we have to start taking ownership of the relationships in our lives. We get to choose what kind of relationships we have. We get to choose how to think about the people we encounter. In that way, we are choosing the types of relationships we participate in. We have complete control over whether  a relationship is good or bad.

How we interpret and participate in our relationships is a focus of many sessions with my clients. Whenever you feel challenged by a difficult relationship, it is an opportunity for you to take control of your life and start making decisions about the types of relationships you want. It is an opportunity to do your own work and examine why you are choosing to focus on certain aspects of the relationship. If you have a relationship that is challenging you, there is no time like the present. Sign up for a free hour of coaching with me and let’s see what we can do!

Photo by Timon Studler on Unsplash

Lately, I have been finding myself barking back and asking “Why?”

Why do we often reach for a glass of wine or another piece of cake when we are feeling stressed or had a bad day? Why is it so ingrained in our culture that having a glass of wine at the end of the day is how to best find relief from the day’s stress? 

On the one hand, there are certainly some cultural pressures that have conditioned us to believe that this behavior is acceptable, even normal. But have you ever asked yourself why you pour a glass of wine at the end of a stressful day? I did. Here’s what I discovered.

Years ago, when I was again working in a not-so healthy environment, I found myself in the habit of pouring a glass of wine every night after work. Why? I asked myself.  Because it’s been a really long day and I’m tired. Because today was really stressful. Because I deserve it. I worked really hard today. But why? I kept asking because none of these answers really resonated with me.

The more I thought about it and dug into it, I realized that I was coming home at the end of the day utterly spent. Completely exhausted. Feeling a bit depressed. My job was hectic and stressful and at the end of every day I just felt completely out of gas. When I would get home, a new overwhelm would bring up all the things I needed to do at home but didn’t seem to have the energy for. It created a heavy, depressive feeling…like the stressors in my life were never ending.

Like I would simply ride this frantic treadmill until I died of old age or imploded.

So, I would pour a glass of wine. I would pour a glass of wine and sit down and relax and let the booze wash away all those stressors. The dopamine in my brain would skyrocket and I would find some peace and happiness. Finally.

We all do this. Whether it’s with food or alcohol, sex, drugs, shopping, Starbuck’s coffee, WHATEVER. Rather than sitting with our discomfort or accepting the fact that life is 50/50, that sometimes it just sucks, we look to artificial sources to boost those “feel good” hormones.

For me, it was a glass of wine. That glass of wine provided me with an artificial happiness that would vanish the next day. That glass of wine kept me from sitting with my discomfort, accepting the struggle and learning how to take care of myself in a way that didn’t create a deficit the next day. While I wasn’t drinking entire bottles of wine at night, that one glass created a deficit. It delayed the inevitable meltdown that would happen when I couldn’t keep it all together. It’s the equivalent to kicking the emotional can down the road…eventually that can hits an emotional landmine.

Avoiding and buffering negative emotions or discomfort only heightens those feelings. They will come screaming back.

You are avoiding your life and seeking “fake” feelings created by external sources. That is no way to live.

The holidays seem to make this phenomenon even worse. As if our lives aren’t stressful enough, we pile on awkward family dynamics and travel obligations as well. So many of my clients eat because they are uncomfortable around their family. Their families bring up all sorts of old resentments, grudges, and unspoken words and their brains swirl with all sorts of nasty thoughts and cruel self-talk. Eventually, most of us end up face diving into the carrot cake because we want that rush of endorphins, that temporary high to alleviate all our feelings of discomfort.

What would it be like to just sit with those feelings?

What would it be like to just monitor those feelings your body? To become aware of those thoughts that make you so uncomfortable so that maybe you can start to work on those thoughts? After all, feelings are just a vibration in your body. What’s so scary about that?

If we can’t learn to allow and process emotions, we will never learn to stop indulging in those urges and using external things (food, alcohol, etc.) to make us feel better.

This holiday season, I am challenging all my clients to sit with the negative thoughts and emotions that bubble up for them. Observe them. Recognize that life is not supposed to be sunshine and rainbows all the time. Maybe today was a bad day and you are feeling sad. Why is that so terrible? Sadness provides a basis to later experience happiness.

Instead of running from those feelings, I challenge you to do a brain download every time you start feeling negatively. Figure out what thoughts are causing you to feel that way. Are those thoughts factual? Why are you choosing those thoughts? Is that negative feeling really that terrible?

Trust me, if you can learn to experience and sit with negative emotions and stop being afraid of them—fear, anger, jealously, sadness—nothing will ever be scary ever again. Think of what you could accomplish and who you could be.

Coach with me and I will show you how.

Get. Uncomfortable.