First, Let’s Expect the Unexpected (or Expected)

You might already be bracing for certain moments: your aunt asking you—again—why you’re still single, your cousin pressing you for divorce advice even though you’re a tax attorney, or your mom making a subtle comment about skipping the bread pudding. Rather than hoping that this year will be different, expect these things to happen. It sounds counterintuitive, but stay with me.

These family members are who they are, and rarely will they morph into the people we want them to be. By expecting them to show up exactly as they always do, you can release the hope that this time will be different—and in doing so, you’ll reduce disappointment and preempt a lot of drama.

Doing so will also allow you the time and space to do your own work–accepting the person as they are and mourning any ideas you may be harboring about who the person or relationship could have been or should have been. Anger is the first stage of the grieving process and the sooner we stop being angry when the people we love aren’t “better” than they are, we can get on to emotionally processing that those relationships may never be what we want them to be. To do so, we have to stop expecting them to be different, stop being angry when they aren’t different, and move on to the next stage of processing/grieving.

Check Your Mood Elevator

The Mood Elevator is a concept developed by business consultant and author Larry Senn, designed to help individuals understand and manage their emotions. It is often represented as a metaphorical “elevator” that moves up and down, depending on your mood and emotional state. At the top of the Mood Elevator, you have positive, high-energy emotions like:

• Love
• Gratitude
• Creativity
• Humor
• Patience
• Curiosity

As the elevator descends, you encounter lower-energy, more negative emotions like:

• Irritation
• Impatience
• Worry
• Frustration
• Anger
• Depression
• Hopelessness

The idea behind the Mood Elevator is that, by recognizing which “floor” you’re on at any given moment, you can become more aware of your emotional state. This awareness helps you make better decisions, communicate more effectively, and improve your overall well-being. The goal isn’t necessarily to stay at the top of the elevator all the time but to recognize when you’re descending and develop strategies to move back up into more productive emotional states. It encourages self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional thinking.

Understanding your position on the Mood Elevator can improve how you navigate stressful situations, communicate with others, and handle decision-making.

Before you engage with that challenging family member, ask yourself: Where am I on my Mood Elevator? If you’re already feeling annoyed or defensive, you’re operating from a low level, which only fuels conflict. But if you can move yourself higher up the elevator—toward curiosity, for instance—you’ll approach those inevitable family triggers with a different mindset. If curiosity isn’t accessible to you, consider taking a break and removing yourself from the situation (more on this later).

Curiosity Over Judgment

For many of us, curiosity is the fulcrum emotion that can help us transition from the lower level energies to a higher level frequency. For instance, can you access curiosity about why they’re acting that way, rather than just being irritated by it? When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to slip into judgment—Why can’t they just let me live my life? But what if, instead, you approached those moments with genuine curiosity? Instead of resenting your aunt’s question about your love life, wonder about her thought process. Why does she think this is so important? What might she be worried about?

Curiosity is a game-changer. It helps you step out of your own bubble and consider someone else’s perspective. And when we engage with curiosity, we move up the Mood Elevator—out of frustration and into empathy. This simple shift can open the door to deeper understanding and kinder conversations.

Consider How You Want Others to Change

Here’s another reality: just as your family members have opinions about how you should be, you probably have ideas about how they should be too. Maybe your grandmother wishes you were married, your brother wants you to be friendlier to his wife, or your mom wishes you’d stop getting tattoos. It bothers you when they judge you, but we also we have all sorts of ideas about how they should be different. Imagine how much more peaceful things would be if everyone could just be themselves—including you. You don’t want to be judged, so why judge them? This holiday season, you have the power to be the love and compassion you seek. When your mom makes that bread pudding comment, instead of rolling your eyes or getting defensive, you could think, She’s coming from a place of concern, even if it doesn’t land that way for me.

Managing Emotions: Take a Step Back

Let’s be honest: family gatherings can stir up a lot of emotions, and when you’re riding low on the Mood Elevator, it’s easy to overreact. Recognizing when you need a break is crucial. If you feel yourself getting triggered, step outside, take a deep breath, or even excuse yourself for a few minutes. This small pause can help you manage your emotions before they spiral out of control.

Mindfulness practices—such as focusing on your breath or taking a few minutes to ground yourself—can help you stay present and avoid letting emotions dictate your responses.

Setting Expectations and Boundaries

Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting your own emotional well-being. If you know that certain conversations or situations will stress you out, it’s okay to set clear boundaries. For instance, if your cousin always brings up sensitive topics, you can kindly say, “I’d rather not talk about that today, let’s focus on catching up.”

At the same time, give yourself permission to disengage from topics that lead to frustration. Boundaries help prevent unnecessary tension and keep you in a healthier emotional state.

Letting Go of Control

Ultimately, people will be who they are, and we can’t control that. What we can control is how we choose to respond. As humans, we’re naturally wired to want things to go a certain way—especially during the holidays when emotions are heightened. But what would it be like if, instead of trying to make everyone behave the way you want, you let go of that control?

This holiday, let’s make a conscious effort to show up as we are, and let others do the same—warts and all.

Embrace Empathy and Compassion

Imagine if you chose not to make their comments mean anything about you and you didn’t let their judgments—spoken or unspoken—define you or impact your mood. You decided, instead, to focus on your own emotional well-being and let the small stuff slide.

When you shift your perspective, when you rise up on the Mood Elevator by choosing curiosity, empathy, and compassion, you open the door to better connection. You can choose to see your mom’s bread pudding comment as her love language, even if it’s a little misplaced. You can see your cousin’s incessant questions as his way of seeking connection, even if it annoys you.

The more you lean into curiosity and empathy, the easier it becomes to navigate family dynamics without losing yourself in frustration or resentment.

Cheers to a Peaceful Holiday Season

This holiday season, I challenge you to shift your approach. Expect your family members to be who they are, use curiosity to understand them, and let go of the need for them to change. Ride higher on the Mood Elevator toward understanding, compassion, and connection. And, most importantly, give yourself and others the gift of acceptance.

Cheers, my friends—I’m thankful for all of you, and wishing you a Thanksgiving season filled with peace, joy, and a little extra curiosity!

If you are struggling with difficult humans in your orbit, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free coaching consultation and get some free support today!

Photo by fauxels

Where is the line between self-protection and compassion in our relationships?

In thinking about people who are on my life orbit chopping block, I realized that my motivations for cutting people out fall into one of two camps: dislike and avoidance.

Dislike.

Yesterday, I was driving to meet a girlfriend for happy hour. I hadn’t seen her in a few months and I was excited to catch up. Never at any point during the day did I consider cancelling on her. Never at any point did I dread the meeting. As I was driving to meet her, this realization struck me: there are people on my happy hour rotation that I actually dread seeing. People whose meetings I am always tempted to cancel. Why? Because I simply don’t enjoy spending time with them. They are too negative, too dramatic, too harsh, or whatever the issue, I simply do not enjoy spending time with them and I don’t look forward to being around them. I usually spend most of those days dreading the get together and debating whether to cancel.

That was when I realized that there is some benefit to cutting people out. There are some relationships that chronically take more than they give and that require so much energy just to show up for. Relationships that simply don’t feel good. Those relationships are no longer authentic for me — it is unrequited affection and I am perpetuating a falsehood. It’s time for those relationships to conclude. It doesn’t have to mean anything about the other person, we have simply outgrown the enjoyment of the relationship and it’s time to move on.

Avoidance.

In the other camp of people on my chopping block, were those I was wanting to cut out because of something that had happened. Not because I didn’t still love a part of them but because I was stuck in anger about something and the chopping block offered me the easy exit.

The relationships in this camp weren’t people I could necessarily deem toxic or obsessively negative. They were people who had “wronged” me or someone else I cared about and those perceived slights had never been remedied. Rather than preserve any opportunity to bridge the gap by maintaining the relationship, I was tempted to simply bow out. Doing so would be avoiding hard conversations and painful discourse.

These weren’t irredeemable relationships, they were simply relationships that had gotten hard and I was reaching for the easy button.

For those relationships, it simply felt easier to cut them out. It’s easier to avoid seeing these challenging humans than it is to show up and play nicely. Shutting those doors completely is clean and simple and requires very little of me.

For the people in that group, I realized that I can show up in love and compassion without forgiving or condoning what they had done in the past. I can honor the history of the relationship that was worthy and choose instead to see their humanity. To recognize that they may be broken in their own ways that they may be struggling in ways that I don’t understand.

In this camp, writing people off indicates that we are good and they are bad. It implies that we’re better than them. That we would have done things differently, that we would have never acted that way, done those things, or said those things. But this ignores our own humanity! We act in hateful and spiteful ways all the day. We lash out at those around us. And we hurt those who are already hurting. My own impulse was a very human demonstration of that capacity. In reaching for hurt and anger, I wasn’t showing up any better than those people I was wanting to write off. I was perpetuating a cycle of hateful acts.

The greatest blessing our loved ones can bestow upon us is compassion — who are we to withhold the very thing we want others to give freely to us?

For this group, I can instead acknowledge their humanity, I can acknowledge that they have their own challenges and their own path to walk. And that maybe, just maybe, by showing up and offering love and compassion to everyone despite their own shortcomings, I could be an example of what’s possible. That maybe I could demonstrate for them how real relationships are supposed to work — they are yin and yang, good and bad.

Love and compassion do not mean forgiveness. Love and compassion rather mean that we see a bigger picture. That we see more at work than the superficial actions and words of those around us. Love and compassion acknowledge that there is always more below the surface and that in everyone of us there is some good. There is also some hurt. And every day we show up and try to act as best we can and not let hurt and anger steer the course.

“Let our hearts be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

We all struggle with the humans in our lives. If you are grappling with a challenging relationship, I would love to support you and develop a plan of action. Schedule a free consultation now.

Photo by ELEVATE

When I was in my early 20s, I moved to Washington, DC to work for a boutique law firm. While there, my direct supervisors were from New York City. A farm girl from Iowa was quite the novelty in my little office and I was often chided for my “Mid-west Nice” attitude. After that excursion, my next legal job took me to national law firm in the Midwest. There my supervisor was another New Yorker and once again my Midwest Nice was met with ire. At first their criticism of my midwestern attitude bothered me–after all, I was just being polite and what was wrong with that?! Over time, I realized that what they were criticizing wasn’t midwestern civility. What they saw instead was an insecure young attorney who was afraid to make waves: who was afraid to be honest for fear of upsetting others. What they saw was people-pleasing disguised as good manners.

People pleasing tendencies. We’ve all got them. It may seem like simple Midwest Nice but at it’s core, people-pleasing is rooted in deception. When we put the needs and feelings of others before our own, we relegate our truth. We relegate our voices and we implicitly acknowledge that we are less important that those we are desperately trying to please.

My own lady lawyer coach recently blew my mind.

She said, “Frustration is often a sign of an unfulfilled intention.”

Whenever we are feeling frustrated it’s usually because we have stifled our truths and we aren’t showing up authentically or in the ways that we truly want to show up. We are frustrated because, for whatever reason, we feel like we are being inhibited in our ability to be honest.

For instance, when we are frustrated that we have more work than we want, at it’s core is frustration with ourselves for not protecting our capacity and being honest — because we really wanted to say, Absolutely not, I cannot do that project, I have more work than I need right now. We ignore our genuine intention of standing up for ourselves and being honest and that drives our frustration.

When we are frustrated with the people in our lives, the reason that frustration flourishes is because we aren’t taking authentic action to overcome it — instead of having a real conversation with the source of our frustration, we just rant and rave. We ignore our intention to have open, honest relationships with the people in our lives. When we stifle that true intention, if fuels the fires of frustration.

When we are frustrated after conversations with our supervisors, it’s often because there are things we wanted to say but didn’t. Truths we left hidden because we were afraid to bare them.

When we get frustrated with our parents, it’s easy to spin in anger over years of unspoken exasperations from the past. All the things we have wanted to say, all the hurts we wanted to address but never did. All those intentions left unanswered.

Frustration is often a sign that we are people pleasing: that we are not living in alignment with our intentions. It’s uncomfortable to be open and honest and give air to our true intentions.

But it’s also uncomfortable to live inauthentically — to live in frustration. It’s exhausting!

Besides, the truth always makes itself known.

When we people please, we trade our truths for immediate but temporary gratification. That frustrated, unlived intention will fester below the surface and eventually make itself known–except usually by that point the frustration has evolved from a rumble to a cataclysmic event. Enter the rage quit/breakup/meltdown/epic battle where all those past hurts and unspoken intentions come tumbling out.

In order to have real, lasting relationships we must invest in authenticity and allow those around us to know the real us.

If you are frustrated with your job, your career, or your relationships, or if you are challenged to overcome your own people-pleasing tendencies, you are not alone! I would love the opportunity to support you in the same way I support my clients. Schedule a free consultation today.

When you feel yourself being tempted to please others in a manner that is not consistent with your truth, choose instead to have your own back. To honor your deepest intentions.

Choose instead to have real, authentic relationships with everyone in your life. Like everything else, relationships are yin and yang — the other person can’t always have all the power, it will shift. Relationships can’t always be calm waters. When we people please to try and avoid the 50/50 of life, we only delay the inevitable. In doing so we diminish our own value and degrade our own truths.

Real relationships will require you to use your voice and have your own back when it comes to your own wants and needs. Anything else is a just a pretty dictatorship and you are playing the court jester.

Photo by Brett Jordan

It must be the month for difficult conversations. Lately, many of my clients have been working with me to navigate challenging discussions–how to ask for a raise, how to negotiate for a new position, how to set boundaries with family. As we navigate those difficult discussions, a common theme often occurs: these conversations are painful because we are worried about what the other person is going to think about us.

In difficult conversations, we are being vulnerable and expressing our truth and we want the other person to receive it as such, which an open mind and an open heart.

We don’t want to be judged for our truths.

This gets further complicated because we know we cannot control what other person thinks about us but yet we strive to craft a conversation that will perfectly impress upon the other person our position. We agonize over our story, trying to perfectly prepare the discussion. This is an exercise in futility. You have no control over how they will receive you (or if they will even listen to you!). So what can we do to alleviate those worries?

We own our worries and allow them to become part of our truth.

For example, when asking for a raise, one of the concerns is that we are going to be seen as greedy, ungrateful, or threatening to leave. Our minds become filled with those worries and judgments so much so that we sometimes talk ourselves out of the conversation entirely. What if instead of allowing those worries to drive us away from the conversation, those worries became part of the conversation? Instead of letting that frantic energy run amok during the discussion, we simply own those thoughts and air them out:

In thinking about this conversation, I want to make sure that you understand how grateful I am for the opportunities you have given me, I think it’s really important for women to negotiate their pay and I just want to explore this with you to see where there is room to move. I’m not planning to leave but I just want to better understand the rationale behind my current compensation.

Difficult conversations are essential to our growth and success. If you have a difficult conversation on the horizon, consider gifting yourself a coaching session so that we can fine tune your strategy and put you in the best position for that conversation. It all starts with a free consult.

For every nagging worry, every fearful thought about what they might be thinking about us in those moments, we just own them and air them. We call them out so that everyone has the opportunity to make their own decisions about those worries. Rather than letting a prospective employer think that you are asking for more money because you are greedy, you can own that in the moment and let them know your rationale for asking and confirm that you aren’t simply being greedy, you could even say that explicitly:

I find these conversations really difficult because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m greedy or over-reaching. It’s not about the money; it’s about being valued for my contributions and feeling like those contributions are recognized.

If the worry is bothering you and making the conversation more difficult, find a way to bring it into the discussion.

These conversations are intended to provide truth and clarity for all parties, don’t hold back on parts of your truth (psst, your worries and concerns are part of your truth too).

When we don’t own those worries outright as part of the discussion, they boil beneath the surface and our conversation becomes a chess match--what I can say so that they don’t think XYZ?…OMG, what if they think that means I don’t want the job?!–and we start trying to craft our responses and commentary to “control” their thinking. We end up acting weird and manipulative and can get disconnected from the moment.  Instead, when we simply air those worries, we provide ourselves the best opportunity to provide our side of the story. And, bonus, it alleviates some of that nervous energy because we release it!

In the end, you won’t ever control others’ thinking but you can at least endeavor to provide your full side of the story and attempt to address any perceived concerns (or judgements) they might have. Whatever they might make the conversation mean, you will at least be able to walk away knowing that you spoke your truth, your FULL truth.

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

As attorneys, we are hired to advocate for our clients–why do we struggle to advocate for ourselves?

During our lives…

We learn to walk.

We learn to ride bicycles.

We learn to cook for ourselves.

We learn how to navigate new cities.

Our lives contain so many examples of how we have overcome failure to learn new things. Babies fall repeatedly as they learn how to walk. We all had a few bumps and bruises as we learn how to ride a bike without training wheels. I conducted numerous pathetic and indigestible kitchen experiments whilst learning how to cook like my mom. I nearly died the first time I drove in a big city.

When I was in high school, I moved to the state capital to work as a page in the House of Representatives. It was the first time I had lived on my own and the first time I had to learn how to navigate a big city. I remember the first few times I made a wrong turn onto downtown one way streets. Where I came from, we didn’t have one way streets! We barely even had stoplights! I wasn’t used to paying attention to those things and I quickly learned all the new rules that come with inner city driving. I didn’t give up and decide living in the city wasn’t for me. I just did it. I kept trying and learning and not letting the fear about dying in a fiery car crash keep me stuck.

But isn’t everything else in life the same way?

I often find that my clients want to stand up for themselves and advocate for what they want–better balance, more flexibility, different work, a different supervisor, etc. They struggle to work up the courage to show up and ask for what they want because it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s because they’ve had bad experiences in the past where their honest requests were met with criticism. Whatever the case may be, they struggle with the discomfort of not being good at using their voice in an authentic and vulnerable way.

What we fail to see is that we are not going to be “good” at using our voices right out of the gate.

We are going to make some wrong turns and have some experiences that might feel like driving into oncoming traffic. But that doesn’t mean we have failed. It simply means we are learning something new.

Today, commit to using your voice in a way that is authentic to you–ask for what you want, say what you mean, say “no” when you want to.

It’s not going to feel good.

You’re going to be uncomfortable.

With practice, it will get easier.

Allow yourself opportunities to learn and fine tune that skill so that in the future, when it really matters, you won’t hesitate because it will be as natural as riding a bike (or navigating one way streets).

One of the things I do with my clients is develop a plan and strategize around asking for what they want. We experiment and practice with different methods until we find an approach that works best for them. If you struggle to say “no” or ask for what you really want, invest in developing that talent. Work with me and start living in your voice (schedule a free consultation now and reconnect with your voice and your power).

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

Our mind will analyze the data before us, we must decide what facts are unimportant and focus on the primary issues to maximize our efficiency. At the same time we must manage our emotional impulses associated with stress.

Practicing law is grueling. It challenges our self-worth, our values, and our ability to honor commitments both to ourselves and our clients but also to everyone around us. It is an emotional and mental boot camp of careers of sorts–it even comes with those fun “drill sergeant” type characters who seem to relish in screaming at you letting you know how pathetic you are.

Surviving these challenges not only requires a good amount of grit but a simple understanding of our basic impulses and how those impulses interact with our brains can be a complete game changer.

We are all familiar with “fight or flight” concepts but many of us are not attuned to our basic, biological instincts: the motivational triad. According to the motivational triad, we are wired to prioritize the following:

Seek pleasure.

Avoid pain.

Maintain efficiency.

Within the realm of a law firm environment, the triad can be found in the following tendencies:

Try every way imaginable to squeeze a compliment out of the difficult partner (seek pleasure) even if it means being on call at all hours of every day…

Do not stand up for myself when I am being thrown under the bus to the client by a partner that dropped the ball (avoid pain) because I don’t want to get his wrath…

Stay at the firm that I hate because this is what I know and I don’t want to rock the boat (maintain efficiency)…

Understanding our basic instincts will help you sift through the BS your brain offers you at times. When you desperately want to leave your job and your brain offers you 1,000,000 reasons why that’s a terrible idea, we can recognize that your brain is responding as it was designed. It is trying to keep you safe. It is trying to keep you in the cave, lest you be eaten by cannibal litigators.

When you want to engage leadership in discussions about your work environment but you decide that it won’t be worth it and won’t make a difference. Those. Thoughts. Are. NOT. True. Those are biologically driven responses. Fear-driven, flight responses. Your brain is trying to keep you safe. On the hamster wheel.

When you are contemplating doing something uncomfortable, your brain will flood itself with all sorts of reasons not to act. They will seem reasonable. They will seem perfectly logical. But we mustn’t be persuaded by these biological responses. In those moments we foreclose our own innate knowing. We put blinders on to the other possibilities. Our brains get to work compiling evidence to support those biological responses and will ignore any evidence to the contrary.

Knowing this will allow you to recognize those thoughts just as they are: thoughts. They are not facts. They are not truths. They are not more important than any other thought. They alone are not reasons to act or not act.

In a world where our brains are going to fight us to keep us safe and cozy in the cave, we must become practiced at asking the right questions and evaluating all the options. We cannot allow our motivational triad to push us to act from fear. To seek safety and avoid challenges.

“He who is not everyday conquering some fear has not learned the secret of life.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some of the work I do with my clients supports them to examine their beliefs and the source of those beliefs. We analyze beliefs and thoughts to ensure that in anything that we do, or don’t do, we aren’t acting from a place of fear and safety-seeking unless that is our CONSCIOUS decision. I love helping my clients observe the motivational triad at work in their lives, then dismantle it! Sign up today, to start your own journey and see where you biological brain is holding you back.

Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

It’s surprising how often I hear this during my sessions with attorneys. Logically, they know that long-term big law life is not for them. They know that they don’t want to be a slave to billable hours forever and they do not see anyone above them who has a lifestyle they want to emulate. They have all sorts of concrete, realistic reasons why they don’t want to stay where they are. But it is rare that I encounter a client who is “ready” to leave.

Why do they stay? The answers usually some of the following:

I don’t know enough yet

There is so much more I need to learn

People will judge me

What if it’s worse somewhere else?

Within that head space are the fears that if they leave, no one will hire them because they don’t “know enough” or that they won’t be able to get a job because they left “too early” in their career as well as the fear that everyone at the firm will judge them as someone who couldn’t hack it or wasn’t a good fit anyway. Lastly, the most important fear of them all–what if it’s a mistake to leave and it’s just worse elsewhere?!

So they stay. They stay and they hate it.

They stay and they are bitter and conflicted about it. They stay and they hate the fact that they don’t know where they want to be in five years.

When you make the decision to head to law school the long pursuit lays itself out before you. So many steps become very clear. You take the LSAT, research law schools, prepare applications, go through the motions of law school, apply to write for journals, do on campus interviewing, get a good summer associate position, and on and on it goes. Then you land the job and 2 years into it, you come up for air and wonder what you are supposed to do next.

It is jarring! Understandably, so! You have just spent close to a decade learning and taking all the right steps and now those steps are exhausted and you haven’t given any thought to the next series of steps.

At this point, the majority of my clients have concluded that they don’t want to make partner but that is the extent of it. Should they go in-house, go to a smaller firm, start their own firm, leave law for good? The possibilities of what can be done with a law degree are endless.

The possibilities of what can be done with your life are also endless.

There is no right or wrong answer.

One of the biggest mistakes I see my clients making is that they wait for clarity to come to them. They continue to go through the motions hoping that some day the path will become clear. Maybe they will get a call from a headhunter with the perfect opportunity for them. Maybe they will get fired! Maybe they will wake up one day and LOVE their job. So they wait. They make good money, they don’t hate everything about their job, so they just stick it out. That type of passivity is why so many people stay in jobs they hate forever.

It’s easier to just wait for something to “feel right” than it is to take control and start making things happen.

The only way to truly get clarity about what you want in life is to start taking ownership for your path and experimenting with what you want. We can’t wait for the opportunities to come to us. We can’t wait for the firm or some partner to dictate our future. We have to take our power back.

First, we have to get clear about what we want for ourselves. What are your goals at your firm? What are the things that you still want to learn or think that you need to learn? There will always be more things to learn, that is simply the human experience. Stop allowing yourself to believe that there is some attainable point at which you will “know enough” and be ready to move on. It’s an empty, shifting target that is rooted in fear.

You will never know it all and no matter what you do next, there will be things you don’t know. 

So instead of allowing for this unattainable point of omniscience, set clear goals that are important to you. Recognize that we are overachievers and have a tendency to want to do all the things and cut your list of items down to three actionable goals. Don’t let yourself create a “learning” ball and chain that keeps you stuck forever. Pick three things that will force you to grow and provide you will valuable skills and focus your energies there.

If you can’t think of three concrete things you want to learn from your current work experience, you are in the wrong place. (Psst, it’s time for a change.)

Second, start taking action on these goals. What will you have to do to make them a reality? This step will likely require you to have some discussions with your partners or your supervisors about the type of work you like or the things you want to accomplish. This alone will force you to flex some new muscles.

Asking for what you want and being clear about your vision for yourself is a lifelong skill. Start practicing now.

No one knows who you will be or what you will want to do with your life once you attain those goals. That is the point. The point is to challenge yourself to grow and develop. Law firms are businesses and so are you. Use every experience as an opportunity to grow the value and worth of your business. The firm is certainly using you for its purposes, start using it for your own. Decide what you want to get out of the experience and make it happen.

The last part of this process is just recognizing that your primitive brain is going to try its best to keep you safe. We are biologically programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. So when we shake up our lives, start asking for what we want, or consider leaving the comfort of our current job, our brains lose it. Our brain goes into protection mode and starts offering all sorts of reasons why we can’t do that–you don’t know enough, you’re not ready, people will judge you, etc. Sound familiar?

Just because your brain offers you those thoughts, it doesn’t mean they are true. It doesn’t mean they are a message from the universe to stay where you are. It is biological pre-dispositioning.

As you evaluate where you want to be in life, KNOW that your brain is going to try and talk you out of it. Know that you are going to have doubts and fears. That is normal! The question is, are you going to allow that mind chatter to keep you stuck or are you going to do the hard thing and evolve? The choice is yours.

Unclear about your next move? Get some free support by signing up for a free coaching session. Sometimes all we need an unbiased perspective to see things more clearly.

Photo by Tonik on Unsplash

Over the years, many firms have beefed up their periodic review process as a nod to HR that they do, in fact, need to actually address performance with their attorneys at SOME point. Even when those meetings occur, oftentimes the feedback is light and airy unless and until a decision has been made that you need to find the door. Then suddenly, the feedback shifts and years of evidence to support your shortcomings are lain before you  for the first time.

I have heard these stories so many times from my clients and I have witnessed them first hand with colleagues, associates, clerks, and friends. The legal industry is notoriously terrible at providing good feedback at the right times. Usually, when an associate is struggling they are left to twist in the wind. And when the powers that be have given up on an associate, they simply freeze them out. Suddenly there is no more work for them and the review discussions become focused on the lack of work and low hours. Eventually those performance metrics form the basis for the breakup.  A real discussion about the performance issues rarely occurs.

So what do you down when you sense that you are getting roped into this long goodbye?

Get very clear on what is happening.

Make a list of everyone you have asked for work and their responses (or lack of responses). At all times in your practice, you have to  be prepared to be your best advocate! That means you are going to need to document your efforts to fill your plate as well as evidence when all of those efforts have been rebuffed. This exercise will also help you get clear on whether your imagination is running wild or things are starting to get a bit chilly at the office.

Take a hard look at your performance.

Go back through each of your working relationships and examine projects that did and didn’t go well. Be honest with yourself. Take a look at those email strings where a project got off the rails — did you miss something critical that you shouldn’t have? Were the parameters of the project clearly communicated? Did you rush through the memo and forget to spell check? Take an inventory of your work and be sure to include your wins. Did you handle all the client interfacing on that last deal? Did you successfully apply what you learned in earlier projects?

Having a clear view of your performance will not only arm you for a performance discussion, it will help you see things from their point of view. You may have to ask yourself — am I not living up to my potential? Are they right? Do I need additional support?

Have the discussion.

Do the hard thing and have those conversations that are being withheld from you. For each key relationship, prepare a summary of your performance. Be sure to include both WINS and LOSSES. Remember that as humans, we have a bias toward the negative. Your attorneys might only be focused on the last mishap and might be forgetting all the other good things you have done. REMIND THEM! The goal of this meeting is threefold:

• Tell them what you have accomplished.

• Acknowledge where you have room for growth.

• Tell them where you would like to improve and present your plan for improvement (be sure to invite their support as well).

This is not a place to defend yourself or make excuses. This is a time to take ownership of where you are–what have you succeeded at and where is there room for growth. This is a space for you to re-communicate your investment in the work, in the team, and in your growth.

An example of how this conversation might go is this: I want to thank you for the opportunity to visit with you. I’ve been taking an inventory of my work and I wanted to get your input and support on how I can take my work to the next level. Over the past six months, I have really gained a better understanding of how a deal evolves from beginning to end. I was really able to take my experiences on Project Zero and apply them to our last deal which really streamlined the diligence process. I can see that sometimes I have a tendency to rush through things and respond too quickly without taking the time to fully understand the issues or ask follow-up questions. I am working to balance my desire to be responsive with my goal of gaining a deeper understanding of the big picture. I’ve only been doing this work for two years and I know I have so much more to learn. I would really like to focus on learning more about the structure of the deal and the parties involved so I can start getting a better understanding of how my work fits into the whole. I think if I could participate in the earlier project discussions with the client, that would help me see the big picture. I would appreciate any feedback you might have to help me improve my contribution to the team.

Lawyers are busy. We focus on what is in front of us and that is typically it. Scheduling time for this discussion will force them to focus on YOU. It’s easy to be annoyed with an associate when you are in the heat of deal. It’s easy to be dismissive when you are stressed. When an associate proactively schedules time to discuss their performance and their career, it forces us to all take a hard look at how we have been treating you and how we have been (not) supporting you.

Be sure to schedule the discussion during a time when things are low stress (as much as possible). You want your attorneys to have space from those challenging projects to see clearly their role in the relationship as well.

Remind them of how long you have been doing the work and recognize that you have room to grow. As partners, we often forget how long you have been working as an attorney and it can be jarring to be reminded what level you are at. I often overestimated how long associates had been doing the work and realized I had been setting way too high of standards for newly minted attorneys. We forget how hard the work is and we forget how little we knew coming out of law school. Sometimes, it was helpful to be reminded of that by my associates and clerks.

This conversation might yield a significant change in your relationship or it might fall flat. Either way, this is a fact-finding mission. This is your best opportunity to figure out whether you are being frozen out; to ask for the feedback they are withholding from you. If the conversation is an utterly waste of time, simply document it and continue on with your other discussions. If you are asking for feedback and support and guidance and it is not being given to you, that is an important fact to discuss with others in your circle. Difficult conversations are the key to a successful career. Use this as an opportunity to start honing that skill.

Whether they like it or not, law firms need associates to function and associates want feedback and guidance. Law firms cannot afford to have mid-level and senior attorneys freezing out their associates and driving turnover. Force these conversations and document your results. Use those exercises as more evidence of your commitment in later conversations with other attorneys.

This is your career. You are not a victim. If they are freezing you out, take active steps to understand what is going on. The worst thing you can do is allow them to force you out without gathering all possible learnings from the experience. Work to gather information about your performance so that you can use that information to continue to improve and develop, whether it’s at that firm of the next.

Taking ownership and control of your career is at the foundation of my work. If you are concerned about your future at your firm, sign up for a free session so we can strategize and get you back in the driver’s seat.

Photo by Caspar Camille Rubin on Unsplash

Yet, despite our ability to clearly articulate ourselves and zealously defend others, so many of my clients and colleagues shy away from defending themselves.

Why is that? 

Many of my clients relate stories to me about their work environment that remind me of my experiences in an abusive relationship. It is difficult to deny that sometimes our work relationships are not all that much different than controlling and toxic romantic relationships.

What is also similar about the two is that in both instances, we have the opportunity to stand up for ourselves, set boundaries, and re-write our story but many of us decline to do so.

If you are living in a work environment that you believe is “toxic”, now is the time to take back your agency. Erase the victim mindset and start taking control of your life. This will likely require you to have some uncomfortable conversations, it might require boundaries, and it most certainly will require you to start re-thinking your life.

We cannot overcome challenging relationships if we believe the relationship is happening to us and we just have to accept it.

When it comes to unhealthy romantic relationships, we are often quick to judge those women who stay too long or “put up with” too much. But how is staying in an abusive and toxic working environment any different?

Whether it is our personal life or our professional life, we have the power to make choices.

We get to decide what is acceptable for us. We get to decide whether to stay in the relationship or not. If you believe that your boss treats you poorly or you feel taken advantage of, silence in that aspect of your life is akin to tacit approval of such mistreatment in your personal life. So why is it that we are so quick to accept things professionally that we would never accept personally?

Because we are wed to faulty beliefs:

This is just the way it is

I can’t change it, why make a fuss?

I have to take it, he gives me all my work

If I say something, they will think I’m being emotional or a complainer

These thoughts are riddled with problems.

First, they are neither true nor factual. They are simply opinions. Opinions that form the basis for resignation and silence. We treat them as absolute facts but they are not. They are things we have chosen to believe.

Second, those beliefs justify our willingness to accept treatment that is not consistent with who we are. We end up pretending to be someone we are not, accepting things we are not actually okay with. We end up lying to all those around us; giving them a false impression of what’s important to us.

Third, you are sacrificing your values and dignity in an attempt to control how others think of you.

I’m not going to say anything because I don’t want to be seen as a complainer.

You are being silent because you are trying to manipulate how others see and think of you. This never works. What I often see happening is that eventually the façade becomes too heavy to bear and women abruptly quit their jobs with little to no explanation given. The firms are either shocked or completely confused by the result and any opportunity for positive change and honesty is eclipsed.

Make a commitment to be authentic in all or your relationships.

If we continue to believe that the legal environment is “just not for us”, we will continue to drop out of the fight without putting on our boxing gloves. If you believe you have been mistreated or you believe that there is room for improvement in your working relationships, commit to having those uncomfortable conversations. You never know, you might foster change for the next generation of women in your position.

Promise yourself that when and if you leave your firm there will be no confusion about your rationale for leaving.

There will be no confusion because you will have voiced your concerns and thoughts openly and honestly during your tenure. The reasons for your departure will have all been clearly laid out for them already.

When we are silent about our struggles in the legal industry we handicap ourselves and we allow bad behavior to continue.

Find your voice and start living authentically, it’s so much more fun than the alternative.

Not sure how to have those difficult conversations? Get some free support today. The silence isn’t worth it.

Many of my clients struggle with being wrong because of what they make that mean about themselves. If they are wrong, it must mean they are not good enough, they aren’t cut out to be lawyers.

I recently had a mini-session with a young attorney who was telling me about her horrible work environment. When I asked her to give me an example of how her horrible boss had berated her, she said that he told her the memo she prepared for him was terrible and that she completely missed one of the most important legal issues. “What were you thinking?!” he had said to her. And. She. Was. Pissed.

How could he speak to me like that? I don’t deserve to be treated like that. He completely embarrassed me in front of all my colleagues.

As we talked about it, I asked her to answer this question: what exactly she was thinking when she turned in the memo? I just wanted it to be over with. I hate working for him. It as a terrible legal issue and I just wanted to be done with it. The more we discussed it, we discovered that the memo was not great, was not well thought out, and she had, in fact, missed an important legal issue. Everything this partner had said to her was true.

When we feel ourselves getting defensive, the most important question you can ask yourself before you explode on the other human is this:

Are they right?

Is it true?

If it is true, what am I making that mean about myself and why?

Whenever we are feeling defensive, it is because you believe that part of whatever criticism you just received is true. If it wasn’t true, at least in part, it wouldn’t bother you.

If someone were to say to me, That article you wrote for the paper last week was pretty terrible, it wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t care because I didn’t write an article for any paper. There is no truth in that statement for me. It doesn’t resonate with me at all.

However, if someone were to say to me, You and your partner should have kids, you’re going to regret it, my hair would practically start on fire. That hits a mark because it hits on thoughts and doubts that I have had about my life. It challenges decisions I have made and second-guessed. There is a possibility that, some day, I might regret our decision not to have kids. It hurts because I have grappled with and questioned the truth of that exact statement.

For many of us, when people hurl these types of comments at us, we ignite. We get defensive, we get angry and indignant.

The reason we are defensive is because we see that fleck of truth and we don’t like what that means: it reminds us that they might be right.

For my client, acknowledging the truth of what her partner said meant owning the fact that she didn’t do a good job. When she opened herself up to that possibility, what quickly followed was the conclusion that she was not cut out to be lawyer. She just wasn’t good enough. She was never going to make it. Those thoughts made her feel hopeless and scared.

Instead of working through those ugly thoughts resulting from the truth of the statement, we resist all of it.

We push it back onto the other person. We try to argue that what they said wasn’t true. It is always easier to be angry and defensive than admit our faults.

If we allow the other person to be right, at least, in part, we have to examine what that means for ourselves. What are you making it mean when you do a sub-par job at work? What are you making it mean when you regret a decision you made years ago?

Most of us make those mistakes mean something terrible about ourselves. We allow ourselves to conclude that we are bad people, less than, failures. Defensiveness and anger are a means to avoid those thoughts and feelings. It is a way to cover them up and distract from what you are really feeling and thinking about yourself.

Life is yin and yang, good and bad.

If you can take full ownership of the uncomfortable parts of life, acknowledge and accept when we mess up, how much easier would life be? What if we could mess up and not torture ourselves for it?

So how do you stop this cycle? First, whenever you feel yourself getting defensive, stop and recognize the parts of the criticism that you believe; recognize the critical thoughts you have had before.

Second, recognize that you are making your failures mean something terrible about yourself. You are beating yourself up every time you aren’t perfect. That is the root of your avoidance. It is why you are getting angry and defensive.

If you can allow yourself to fail gracefully and simply own it when you mess up and not make it mean something negative about yourself, there is nothing to avoid. There is no reason to be angry or defensive.

Could you imagine how my client’s relationship with that partner would change if she was able to respond, “You know what, you’re right, I can do better than this. I apologize and I will use this as a learning experience.”

Commit to believing that every failure is simply one more step on your path to figuring things out. Each time you mess up is another opportunity to learn and grow.

It’s what makes you human and being human means you are never going to be perfect.

How many relationships have we contaminated by being defensive when we knew, deep down, we were in the wrong but didn’t want to admit it?

How many times did we allow our mis-steps to be fodder for self-deprecation?

Stop doing that to yourself. You are a human and that means you come equipped with a certain level of imperfection. Instead of resisting your imperfections, own them, accept them as a part of life and love yourself regardless. Do not resist them and cover them up with anger and defensiveness. It’s not serving you and it’s not true.

Need support? Sign up for a free consultation and take the first step to cleaning up your relationship with yourself and those around you.

Photo by Vera Arsic from Pexels