Why is it that we have such a hard time working with certain people?

What role do we play in this interpersonal tug-of-war?

I had a free mini-session earlier this week and my client was telling me that her boss often comes into her office unannounced and loudly explains to her what she has done wrong. He leaves her door open during these sessions so that her secretary, the associate next door, and anyone walking the hall can listen as he surmises her short-comings. These exchanges always left her mortified and angry and she wanted his behavior to stop.

Our challenges with other humans are usually founded upon some faulty beliefs:

There are basic principles and standards of how people should treat each other.

People don’t often act like they are supposed to.

Both of these lines of thinking are problematic. Both of these notions will cause you pain and suffering in your personal relationships.

How are people “supposed” to act?

Exactly as they do.

That is the nature of free will. That is every human’s right. When we tell ourselves people are supposed to act differently than they do, we are fighting against reality.

When you resist reality and argue that people should be different, you will lose (but only 100% of the time!).

There is no upside in thinking that others should act any differently than they do. Let it go. The way they act is exactly how they are supposed to act. Whatever they are saying and doing is not within your purview to judge or control. Just let it be.

The only thing you can control is how you decide to show up and respond to it.

For every relationship, many of us carry unspoken “manuals” about how the other person should act. The manual for our bosses states that they should be professional and collected. Sensitive to your needs and willing to guide your development and growth. They are not supposed to berate you or embarrass you.

They are not supposed to be horrible.

We believe that if they would just act how we want them to act, we would be happier and feel better about ourselves. That is a complete lost cause. That means that the only way we can feel more confident and secure with our practice is if the other person changes.

What are the odds of that working for you?!

We can’t control others. We’ve all tried at one time or other and discovered the impossibility of that task. So if we can’t control other humans and if other people dictate how we feel, we are all screwed.

We get to control how we receive the actions and words of our bosses. We get to decide what their actions mean about ourselves as attorneys and professionals.

When you spend all your energy ranting about how the other person “should” act and all the things they are doing wrong, you don’t give yourself the opportunity to decide how you want to show up in the that moment or what you want to think about their actions.

You are too busy being a victim of their actions.

Take your power back. Make CONSCIOUS decisions about what you want to think about that person and their actions. Be aware of how you interpret those actions to mean something negative about yourself.

There will always be “difficult people” in our lives but these people are not difficult because of how they “make us feel.”

They are difficult because they challenge us to examine our thoughts about ourselves and our judgments of others. That, my friends, is the real work of this life.

They are difficult because they challenge us to evolve.

Stop trying to change people and instead focus on evolving yourself. That, after all, is the only thing you can control (but only 100% of the time).

Practicing law is HARD. You will have more people who will challenge you than people who will build you up. Start learning how to deal today.

Stop letting them have the power over your happiness. Life is too damn short.

Photo by Atul Choudhary from Pexels

Every time she heard a knock at her door, she inwardly seethed: I swear to god if this is her again, I am going to lose my freaking mind! Can she not tell that this is irritating and disruptive for me?! Why can’t she just schedule a 30-minute meeting and address all of this at once!? Does she think I have nothing better to do?!

When she was relating this story to me, she was visibly irritated by the whole situation. She was angry at the intern and she repeatedly grumbled She is making me so irritated!

One of the things I am often charged with as a coach is teaching my clients to own their feelings. When we blame another person or the actions of another person for our feelings, we are living in emotional childhood. We are not taking ownership for how we feel. We are giving these other people and circumstances all of the power. We are believing that these other people have the ability to control how we feel. Like children, we are throwing (emotional) tantrums because we aren’t getting our way: these people aren’t acting the way we want them to act. We are allowing their actions toward us to dictate how we show up. We are not taking ownership of our power over ourselves. That is emotional childhood.

The reason my client felt irritated every time the intern darkened her door was because she was thinking thoughts that made her pissed! She was swimming in negative thoughts that created anger – Can’t she see that I’m busy? She was just her 10 minutes ago, why didn’t she ask me this then!? I cannot believe she isn’t getting this! Can’t she tell I’m frustrated?! I’m a partner, why isn’t she bothering associates these questions!?

The first step to addressing this situation was to get my client to recognize the true source of her feelings. The intern was not “making” my client crazy. She was making herself crazy. Her thoughts were making her crazy.

She first had to recognize all of the thoughts fueling her anger and frustrations. Once she recognized those patterns, she was able to evaluate whether those thoughts were serving her in the relationship. Clearly, showing up angry and frustrated and fuming about the intern all day long was not helping anyone and it wasn’t changing the situation!

Furthermore, it was not helping her demonstrate leadership. She was not acting like the leader and partner she wanted to be for that young law student. She was not showing up authentically and that was fueling her frustration.

YOU are the only human capable of making yourself crazy.

It’s a hard pill to swallow but once we can recognize that we are the source of our consternation through our thoughts, we can take a clearer look at how we are truly showing up in our lives. In this case, my client was not showing up how she wanted to; she wanted to be a good leader and example but she was letting her anger sidetrack her.

Through working with my client, we were able to set aside the anger and emotional blame and imagine how she could show up as the best version of herself. She took ownership of her emotions and thoughts and decided to create a different result. She shifted her thinking to I can use this as an opportunity to mentor this intern. I can set her up for future success by discussing some professional boundaries with her and helping her see a better way of interacting with her partners and supervisors.

My client was able to access positive mentorship experiences from her past and approach the situation with empathy and compassion and the willingness to support this intern on her professional path. All of this was possible because she was able to stop blaming the intern for her anger and frustration and identify the true cause – herself and her thoughts.

She evolved from emotional childhood and took ownership of how she wanted to show up and how she wanted to feel about the relationship. When her anger and frustration were quashed, she was in a much better space to address the situation in a professional and loving manner. She showed up as the leader she truly envisioned for herself to be.

The next time you catch yourself claiming that XYZ is “making you crazy/angry/frustrated/want to jump out of a tall building” ask yourself how that is even possible. If we had the ability to create emotions in others around us, how different this world would be!

I am a life and career coach for successful female attorneys. I help high-performing professional women take their careers and their relationships to the next level.

These skills are priceless and life changing. I have navigated the challenges of legal practice—from the mundane day-to-day challenges to career-molding discussions. Let me provide you with perspective and support to become the leader you were meant to be. You have nothing to lose and so much to gain; schedule a free consultation now.

As humans we often spend a significant amount of our time frustrated with those around us. We rant and rave at them in our heads. We boil beneath forced smiles. For so many of my clients, their most common emotions are anger and frustration.

I once had a client whose best friend was not a fan of her significant other. At one point, her friend had told her that she “could do so much better.” My client was furious. She was indignant that her friend would decide not to be supportive of her new relationship. She felt that her friend was being judgmental of her and her boyfriend. She was so angry with her friend that when we first met, she told me that she wanted support to determine whether this friendship was something she should continue to invest in. She was thinking she might not want this person in her life any more: “If she can’t be supportive my life and my choices, I don’t want her in my life at all.”

Any time we approach an issue from anger, our first objective is to shift away from the anger and move to a more neutral space. For most people, this neutral place is curiosity. Curiosity has a way of side-stepping anger, dulling its edge and allowing us to examine the situation from an alien-perspective.

Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why people do the ****** things they do or say?

Believe me, as a fellow human, I thoroughly enjoy a good rant and rave occasionally. While ranting and raving can be a good way to release some stuck energy, it is not on the same plane as rational behavior. Any time you are about to take some action out of anger, I recommend starting with a curious breath before deciding your next course of action.

In this case, I asked my client, Why do you think your friend said that? Why do you think she doesn’t like him? Why does she care who you date? What’s going on with her that would make her say something like that?

All of these questions de-escalated my client and carried her to a space of compassion. She believed that her friend was protective of her because she had been in some rotten past relationships and her friend carried her through. She knew that ultimately her friend was coming from a place of wanting the best for her. She knew that her friend had a hard time letting people in and needed time to get to know people. She wasn’t being malicious. Truly, she was acting from a place of love for her friend. It was just love dressed in a crappy outfit.

By the end of the session, my client was feeling badly for harshly judging her friend who was simply trying to love her and protect her.

It’s not always easy to love the humans in our lives but if you can take a break, make room for a curious breath, can you come back to these relationships from a better place. A place of compassion.

That’s not to say that relationships can’t eventually run their course, that can certainly be the case. People grow apart and need different things from those around them. However, you will never be able to discern whether a relationship has reached its expiration date if you make that decision from a place of anger or indignation. To make decisions you can trust and feel good about, you must do so from a place of love for others as well as yourself.

When relationships come to an end there should be peace and clarity that comes with that climax. Relationships that end in a blaze of glory are likely far from over. Those types of endings simply create baggage that will inevitable resurface. Lingering, strong emotions will only serve to draw that relationship (or another one just like it) back to you again in the future.

Evaluate the people in your life from a neutral space of curiosity and compassion. From there you can truly consider whether this relationship is something you want to continue to invest in.

“Curiosity is making the choice to look deeper into everyday things and seeing their true significance. Realizing that there is much to learn from everyone and everything you can encounter is the first step to living a fulfilling and happy life.”

I am a certified life and career coach and I support my clients in working through relationship challenges to find happier and more fulfilling lives. Take a leap into something new and see how we can create more happiness in your life.

What are you waiting for?