When you get that phone call late at night, you are choosing to value it more than your time at home with your family.  You are choosing to place greater value on not being yelled at than getting a full night sleep.

You are always making choices where to spend your energy.

Your job is not robbing you of the balance you seek. You are opening the doors and burning down all your guard towers. Why then are we so surprised when they keep doing it? You set the precedent by communicating where these types of interactions fall on your list of priorities: right at the top, above all else.

The only person you need to be mad at for constantly pushing your boundaries is you. Other people will not naturally violate our boundaries — they are taught what is acceptable. WE teach them what is acceptable by our actions. When they continually do so, it is only because they have become the monsters WE CREATED.

We’ve all seen those attorneys who just don’t give a F about not responding immediately to calls and emails. Everyone knows it, everyone gossips and gripes about it, and everyone is secretly jealous that they don’t have the guts to do the same. Not only do those attorneys still have a job but they also have all the balance we’ve been craving. People learned not to call them after 6 and deduced that they won’t respond to late night emails unless it’s truly an emergency.

They made a choice about what they valued more — not being gossiped about or having work life balance. For them, having more balance is worth so much more than being gossiped about for not be “responsive” all the time.

They made conscious decisions about their values and where the demands of the job fell with respect to those values. They clearly communicated their values and they stuck to their guns.

It can be as simple as that.

You do not have to respond to every email just because you saw it and just because someone else decided it was an emergency.  Develop the art of cultivating your mail and only responding after hours to true emergencies (here’s a hint: they never are, we’re not ER doctors) or when you REALLY want to.

Humans are creatures of habit. If we allow others to call on us at all hours of the night, they will continue to do so if it yields the result they want. And they will stop if it doesn’t get the result they want.

You are not a victim to others.

You are only a victim to your own choices and luckily for all of us, we can start making better choices. Choices more in tune with our values.

Sick of the constant barrage of emails and phone calls 24/7? Get support figuring out how to chart a new course at work by signing up for a free session.

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

You cannot simply “thought swap” your way to happiness.

However, when you know and understand that all the results you are creating in your life are anchored in your thoughts, you start to see the utility in viewing aspects of your life from a different perspective.

For instance, I had a free consult with a midlevel associate attorney who was stuck in anger. She explained to me that she had been discriminated against at her firm–her male cohorts were being paid more than her despite equivalent hours billed.

Unfortunately, this experience is not all uncommon in the corporate law firm environment. Recent studies have revealed that women at law firms earn less than their male counterparts even when they work longer hours and have more experience.

None of us want to be part of that statistic and I can certainly relate to the inclination to cast aspersions upon any perceived pay discrepancy.

As part of my work with this particular client, we first examined the facts of the situation. What did she know to be true about the situation?

Separating the facts from your opinions and perceptions is always the first required step whenever you are spinning in some negative emotion. Know what parts of your story are self-created drama and what parts of factual.

Force yourself to look at the facts and separate out the drama.

If you are going to take authentic action, you must have a clear picture of the facts. You cannot succeed in any action when you are operating from your own drama.

The Facts: A male associate told my client he was paid $10,000 more than her and that he billed 300 hours less than her.

The Drama: I am being discriminated against. This is unfair. I will never be treated fairly. I don’t trust the management. No one has my back. He doesn’t deserve to make more than me. There’s no point in working hard if I won’t get fairly compensated for it. I don’t want to do this anymore.

The sheer amount of drama outweighed the facts by a landslide. There wasn’t much that had actually happened. There seemed to be a lot of holes in the facts. Lots of opportunities for exploration.

Before we give any weight to the drama, we have to decide whether the facts WARRANT the dramatics.

Do you have the full story? Have you done your diligence? Are you settling for victimhood?

Once we examined the facts of the situation, we examined the thoughts behind all that anger.

Typically, when I have a client present with hot boiling rage and indignation, what I find is that the anger is a cover for some underlying hurt. It’s simply easier to be angry at someone else than it is to feel sad or disappointed; to own those negative emotions and examine the associated thoughts. When you are angry, it is directed at someone else or something else. Something outside of you made you a victim and you are just defending yourself.

There is no self-exploration to be done in anger. Anger is easy. It feels worthy.

For this particular client, it was easier to be angry at the firm for mistreating her than explore how painful it was for her to be treated unfairly. To come all this way and work so hard for her law degree only to find that she would be mistreated by her employer because of her gender. She was shocked and saddened by this possibility and it de-valued her perception of the legal industry. She had glossed over these hurt feelings and jumped right into anger.

When we ignore our negative emotions and bury them under anger, we ignore what is really going on. We deny ourselves our own truth. Without experiencing those negative emotions and those associated thoughts, we can never shift away from anger to something more productive.

We will never shift the landscape of corporate law firms from a place of anger. To make lasting change, we must find a better way to approach our experiences. This does not mean making them prettier.

What it requires of us is to see each perceived slight as an opportunity to bridge the gap. To have honest and courageous conversations. To speak our truth. You can only access that clarity and takes those actions if you remove the anger, allow the hurt and disappointment, and start developing a different strategy.

As women in corporate law firms, there will be experiences that you are not going to want to “feel good” about.

There will be events and circumstances that will challenge you and wake you up to some ugly realities. Don’t reach for anger right away; allow yourself to be hurt and disappointed. Take a good look at these events and find a way to use them as a stepping stone on this journey. To create lasting change.

Need support? Sign up for one of my free consultations–I offer three each week. Sign up before they are gone!

Don’t allow anger to run the course of your career. No lasting social change ever came on the back of anger. We have to find another way.

Is this sustainable?

Do I want to live like this forever?

They dream of a practice with better culture, fewer hours, a place that is more women-friendly, family-friendly. A place where the co-workers and clients act like civilized humans rather than tantrum-y children and junior high bullies.

Early on, many of us realize that working 70 hours/week does not create a happy life, no matter the paycheck. It is not exactly the life you dreamt of. We hate that having a family is often seen as a detriment to our career. We struggle with the notion that our personal lives must be planned taking consideration where we want our career to go. We stew and we ponder:

How can I make practicing law more live-able?

For many women, these thoughts eventually get drowned out by the rest of life. They continue their precarious balance, never truly happy or comfortable with the life they have chosen but willing to just keep going. They are good at it. They know that life. It is familiar. And it pays well. Leave it alone. Some weeks it’s okay, some weeks it’s hard to get out of bed. So be it.

We are not wired to voice our needs or ask for something better.

Our brains are designed to seek pleasure, avoid pain, and maintain efficiency. This means that whenever we begin to wonder and question why things can’t be different, what can I do to make this work for me? We are forcing our brain to take a pit stop and examine these matters. Our brains promptly remind us that

We make plenty of money.

We are well-respected.

This is just how it is.

You aren’t going to change it.

Don’t rock the boat.

Don’t be a trouble maker.

Your brain reminds you why those worries and thoughts and dreams aren’t important. Your brain wants you back on the hamster wheel, running the same routine we are so good at. This is your brain playing it safe. Keeping you in the cave. The very notion of rocking the boat triggers two of your biological responses–stay safe and be efficient. Don’t challenge authority and keep doing what you know. Stick to the plan, kiddo.

When we decide to do something new or scary, our brain’s survival mechanisms kick in.

While we may be saying to ourselves, I’m going to start leaving the office at 4:30 everyday, our brains start screaming

RETREAT! Stay with the herd! Don’t challenge the norms! Don’t rock the boat! You’re going to get in trouble. They will cut your pay. The Board will hear about it. You’re going to have to explain this!

I recently had a mini-session with an attorney and her big dream was to start her own firm. In response to her ambition, her brain was telling her

You can’t do this. You haven’t practiced long enough. No one will hire me. You won’t figure it out.

Those thoughts were her brain’s version of “Retreat! Stay in the cave.” None of those thoughts were true. None of them were factual. They were optional sentences her freaked out brain was offering her.

This is normal. This is biology.

This does not mean you are doing it wrong. In fact ,when you experience fear or anxiety while you are taking action toward your dream, you can rest assured you are doing it right. That discomfort is proof that you are forcing your brain to run a new pattern–no more of this lemming crap, forge your own path. No more of the old thoughts and routines.

This is not how is has to be. You can stimulate change and ask for what you want.

If you want to start leaving a 4:30 every day. Ask for it. If you want to be allowed to run your own cases. Ask for it. If you want to take the big deposition on your own. Ask for it.

It’s going to be awkward. It’s going to be uncomfortable. It’s going to force you to use muscles you haven’t used before. Decide what you need to do to grow your practice, to develop, to make your life more manageable and start thinking

How can I make this work for me? How can I ask the firm to support me in making this sustainable for me? What do I need to do to develop?

What is the alternative?

Waiting for someone to read your mind and offer you exactly what you want and need? When do you suppose that will happen? Why are you giving them all the control?

If there was a way for me to teach you how to get law firms to give us what we need, I would teach it to you but it doesn’t exist.

You are going to have to find your own voice.

If you have a big goal and your brain is not freaking out, your goal isn’t big enough. If you aren’t uncomfortable as you are building your practice and making your dreams a reality, you are not trying hard enough. You are not dreaming big enough. You are just a hamster on a wheel with a brain that is content in the cave.

Change is supposed to be hard. Change requires you to do things and think things you never have before. It requires you to evolve. It requires you to become a different version of yourself.

Are you choosing to be stuck?

Are you choosing a life of comfort and familiarity?

What is that costing you?

Is this what you want your story to be?

We must set big goals to grow. Doing this will make us uncomfortable. It will trigger our biological responses to run away. Anticipate that resistance and do it anyway. It doesn’t “have to be this way.” Let’s shake it up a bit.

Life is whatever you choose to make it.

What are you choosing? Do you like your reasons?

Photo by Semina Psichogiopoulou on Unsplash

I like to think of these as “opportunities” because, despite being an attorney, I am not a huge fan of confrontation and I really don’t like upsetting other people. These are an opportunity for me to flex muscles I don’t use very often and operate outside my comfort zone.

I find that one of the reasons people avoid having difficult conversations is because they want the other person to like them. They don’t want to be thought of as a bitch or as difficult. They are afraid the individual will bad mouth them to others and they don’t want those other people to judge them too or, worst of all, agree that they really are a bitch on a power trip.

These conversations are scary because it forces us to let go of what other people might think of us. If the conversation is important to you, you like your reasons for having the conversation, and you are in a good emotional space to have the conversation (read: not foaming at the mouth), then have the damn conversation.

Stop worrying about what the other person will think about you.

The beauty of this is that it is an investment in the authentic you. The more you live with authenticity and stay true to your values other people will see it and grow to respect it. That makes it a lot more difficult for bad gossip to find traction. But regardless, we can’t control what other people say, do, or think. The only thing we can control is how we show up.

So the choice really becomes: are you willing to live accordance with your truth or would you prefer to continue living a lie (i.e., ignoring the issue, avoiding the conversation, and pretending everything is “fine”?).

In my experience, any time we try to ignore what we really think and feel about a situation, it simply compounds itself and grows stronger until we blow up. That’s an even better way to maintain your spotless reputation, no?

Don’t ignore the feelings. They will come back. We’ve all had those fights where the other party pulls 1,000 old fights and gripes out of their back pocket leaving you dumbfounded. You can’t fight a battle on 1,000 fronts. If it is important to you, discuss it with the other person or forever relinquish your right to bring it up at a later date as part of another fight. Period.

In that sense, having those difficult conversations now and foreclosing a future explosion is a kindness to everyone involved. Shifting your mindset to this is going to be better for our relationship and everyone around us will allow you to approach the conversation from a much healthier mental space. Often times, we convince ourselves This is going to go terribly wrong; this is going to be a huge fight and we waste so much time and energy ramping up for some battle royale that never comes. Appreciate that this is a positive exercise and that your intentions are to improve the relationship. Stop expecting the worst.

Focus on the WHY.

Whenever I am gearing up for a difficult conversation, I ask myself, What is it that I want? Why am I having this discussion? I usually can find that the true intention is to be honest and my “why” is usually because this relationship is important to me and I want us to have a healthy relationship.  I focus my energy there instead of ruminating about how frustrated I am about XYZ.

From there I can go into the conversation seeing the big picture and understanding why the exchange is critical. It allows me to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and respect.

Stop worrying about what the other person is going to think about you or how they are going to feel if you are honest with them. You can’t control their thoughts or emotions so stop trying to.

Be in the moment with an open attitude and a sincere willingness to try and understand the other person’s point of view. Make a conscious effort to stop thinking of what you are going to say next and just absorb what is being said. Try to understand what is going on.

Just. Be. Curious.

I sometimes imagine myself as a behavioral specialist examining the other person and trying to understand what is going on with them. It allows me to remove myself from the situation and come to it from a different perspective.

Be quiet, be curious, and invest in the opportunity to be vulnerable and honest with another other person. You must flex the muscle to make it stronger!

Need support gearing up for a difficult conversation? Schedule a free consultation and clear out the mental chatter before you dive in. What do you have to lose?

So often our struggles with others in our lives boil down to something very simple: we want these humans to act differently. We want our mothers-in-law to be kind and loving, we want our siblings to be non-judgmental and friendly, we want our parents to be welcoming and proud of their kids and grandkids. We want our spouses to be outgoing and friendly to our families, our partners should help us cook and clean for the holiday party, we want our kids to be on their best behavior and for GOD’S SAKE, can grandma just have one nice thing to say this year?!

Whether it’s the holidays or just another Monday, my clients are often challenged and frustrated by the other humans in their lives. In my experience, most of these relationship struggles are driven by our desire for others to act how we want them to act. For example, most of us want our spouses to be responsible, organized, considerate, and loving.

There is nothing wrong with those expectations. Those expectations form your “manual” for other humans fulfilling certain roles in your life. We all have manuals. The people in our lives have manuals for us too. For example, my partner would love for me to be a night owl who is easy-going and more than happy to spend all night binging on Tarantino films. I, however, would like him to have “normal” sleeping habits and sleep in the same bed with me at night.

It’s human nature to want and expect certain things from the people in our lives.

The problem is that we want other people to change and live according to our manual. We believe our manuals have their best interest in mind. We believe our manuals are the “correct” way to be. So, when other people don’t subscribe to our manuals or change to fit our models we lose. our. freaking. minds.

Many of my clients are so angry with their partners because they aren’t cleaner, they don’t help with the cooking, they aren’t good with money. etc. They truly believe they are angry because of their partner’s actions or inactions. That could not be farther from the truth.

When we are angry or sad about the actions of the people in our lives, the reason we are upset is because of our thoughts about those actions (or inactions). If my partner doesn’t vacuum the house, that fact is neither good nor bad. I make it something positive or negative by my thinking. Of course he didn’t vacuum, he never does anything around the house. This relationship is completely out of balance. I have to do everything around here. Those thoughts make me feel angry and indignant. Those thoughts lead to a lot of silent treatments and passive aggressive stomping around. Those thoughts typically set the stage for a battle.

Usually that battle brings to light the other person’s manual for you:  I work more than you and when I’m on my days off, I just want to relax and I don’t want to do housework.

Now we have a war of conflicting expectations. These types of small spats plant the seed for dueling manuals and un-met expectations that can rot a relationship from the inside out. Usually, my clients will explain that from these small spats, they are now bogged down with new and more interesting thoughts: We are never going to see eye-to-eye, we have totally different values, this is never going to work, he will never respect me, etc. When each party equally subscribes to the validity of their own model, no one wins. The relationship crack simply grows into a chasm as each party reveals more about their manual and how the other party doesn’t meet its criteria.

How do you move forward? First, recognize that you each have manuals for each other. Second, THAT IS OKAY. It’s human. You will both have expectations of how this relationship should work and how the other should act.

Next, decide if you are willing to live according to other person’s manual. My guess is that the answer is no. Either way, it is your choice. There are thousands of couples in this world that spend their entire relationship pretending to be something they are not. Trying to mold themselves to fit the other person’s expectations. I am not advocating for that approach, I am simply stating that it is not uncommon for people to choose this option. The question is this: Is that how you want to live your life? Is that how you want the other person to live their life? Is it important to you that you both be honest with each other about the relationship and who you want to be in that relationship? Do you want this person to have a relationship with you or their “manual” version of you and vice versa?

The other alternative is that you spend your life trying to find someone who fits your manual 110% on their own accord. Good luck with that. Even if that were possible, would it be beneficial to you to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t challenge you? Who acts exactly as you would prescribe?

Assuming you still want a relationship with this human, ask yourself if you are willing to love this person as they are—not who you want them to be.

Do you like the relationship once you stop fighting about each other’s manuals?

How do you get there? You must recognize that the only reason you feel upset and frustrated with the relationship is because you want the other person to change. You want them to act in a different way. It is not their actions that make you feel terrible, it is your thought that they should be different. They shouldn’t talk down to me, they shouldn’t criticize my weight, they should be more considerate, they should be more loving. Those thoughts all indicate that a manual is at work. Stop blaming them for how you feel and take 100% ownership for your feelings. Your thoughts are creating your feelings, not the other person.

Ask yourself how you want to feel about that other person. Do you want to feel love and kindness toward the other person? Do you want to feel compassion? You have complete access to those emotions now. You just need to access thoughts that will generate those emotions. Seems like a stretch, I know, but bear with me.

When you approach the person or the situation from a place of sheer curiosity, you can typically work into some thoughts that general feelings of compassion or love. For example, if your partner is terrible with money and you are furious about it, thinking why can’t you be more responsible, I can’t be with something who is always living paycheck to paycheck, consider asking yourself why your partner acts that way. What could be making them spend money with abandon? Maybe they were never taught how to handle finances, maybe their heart is bigger than their finance-brain so they spend all their money on other people? Maybe they are deeply insecure and spend money trying to feel better about themselves?

Having done that experiment, can you imagine circumstances in your life where you were uneducated, gave others too much of yourself, or felt insecure? If so, maybe you can relate to and have more compassion for their actions because you can typically find ways in which you might have acted similarly.

If you can examine the other person with curiosity, you can usually generate some compassion for how they are acting, given your own humanness. When you approach that relationship from a place of compassion and curiosity, you can have a productive conversation about the issue at hand. You can approach it from a place of love and understanding rather than a place of judgment, frustration, and ultimatums.

The rationale for this approach is that the key to every human relationship is to see each other as perfectly loveable and worthy. There is nothing that can make that person more loveable. They already are good enough. And so are you. When you are able to put aside your manual and approach other humans with curiosity, you can access that place of love and compassion. Those contributions will always advance the relationship. It doesn’t mean the other person will change and it doesn’t mean you don’t place healthy boundaries where needed—

Dear mother-in-law, if you criticize my husband, we are going to leave and will re-evaluate whether we are coming to Thanksgiving next year. 

What it means is that you can flex that muscle of compassion and learn to love that person for who they are. You meet them where they are, warts and all. From that place you can examine the relationship from a neutral place. Only once you remove the manuals, can you really experience the relationship as it truly is and experience the other person as they truly are. From there you can determine whether you want to be a part of that relationship.

As part of that process, you must evaluate your manual from a place of honesty with yourself. Why are the elements of your manual important to you? What will be different if the people in your life acted exactly as you wanted? What will be the same? When you examine you manual you are able to consider the rationale behind the manual and ask–do you like your reasons? Those answers will support you examination of the relationship from a place of honesty and compassion both for the other person and yourself.

In reality, what’s the alternative? Do you want to spend the entirety of the relationship spinning in frustration because the other person isn’t acting how you want them to act? Or would you rather find a way to love them and have compassion for them as they are? The choice is entirely up to you.

Cheers and happy holidays!

Compensation.

Partnership compensation and “points” and associate compensation, raises, and bonuses (oh my!).

While some years it was an exciting and happy time for me, in other years, it was fraught with frustration and anger, particularly after I made partner. As a partner, year-end meant the dreaded year-end partnership meeting where we would analyze our performance over the prior fiscal year, scrutinize our practice group projections, and learn about compensation structure for the next year. As a partner, I knew exactly how much my counterparts were receiving in compensation and I could see how many hours they billed the prior year. Whenever the performance and compensation charts were projected on the screen, the room would become hushed, faces carefully guarded and reactions withheld.

Everyone was making mental notes and judgments.

I hated those meetings. I told myself that I hated them because of the way they “made me feel.”

I once talked to a well-seasoned partner about the meetings and my frustrations with compensation—So and so doesn’t really bill that many hours, it’s all inflated….so and so gets additional points every year but does nothing to earn it…she only gets a raise every year because she brown noses to all the right people—and he told me that he stopped going to those meetings or reviewing the compensation sheets altogether. He told me that it wasn’t worth the mental anguish and frustration and it was better not to know.

Now there’s an idea. The good ‘ole ostrich approach.

Instead of anguish at year-end, I could opt of the whole charade in favor of blissful ignorance.  I could skip the meeting, burn the compensation sheet, and avoid weeks of stewing and mental judo. I could just keep moving forward, unmolested by irritation! Ta daaaa!

But I just couldn’t do it.

While I can certainly understand the sentiment Out of sight, out of mind, it just didn’t resonate with me, as a woman and significant minority in my role at the firm, to not know how I was being treated in comparison to others. What kind of advocate could I be if I wasn’t looking at the facts? As my coach had always told me: 

Look, See, Tell the Truth, Take Authentic Action. 

If I wasn’t looking and telling the truth about the circumstances, how could I take authentic action in my career?

So, I started examining my discomfort with those meetings and the thoughts driving those feelings.

It boiled down to all sorts of nasty thoughts that created feelings of anger and resentment—This isn’t fair…women will never be equally valued…no one values the work I am doing here…I’m not one of them so I don’t matter. All of those thoughts hammered my brain for weeks after those meetings. It wasn’t the meetings making me feel terrible, it was my thoughts about those meetings.

Once I made that connection, I was able to change my thoughts and shift how I was showing up. Instead of simmering in anger and resentment, I started to think—

This is a huge opportunity for me to be a voice for women…this is my chance to be honest and have difficult conversations with the Board…I can learn so much from this opportunity to ask for what I want and to be honest, no matter how difficult. 

Rather than stewing in the indulgent emotions of bitterness and resentment, I chose to look at the facts and take action. Sitting in my feelings of anger and resentment were getting me nowhere. They were making me withdraw from work, lash out, and spew bitterness to anyone who would listen. Those feelings were indulgent for me. They felt appropriate. They felt important. But they weren’t moving me forward. That was the problem. Instead, I told myself I could be angry and bitter for a few days and then I had to get to work managing my mind and shifting to thoughts that created authentic actions.

I’m not saying that when someone is feeling under compensated or mistreated, they should put on a happy face and “think positively” about it. What I am saying is that, often times, when we face challenges at work, we choose to wallow in indulgent emotions (bitterness, resentment, anger, jealousy) that don’t move us forward. We get stuck because we believe we are being wronged. We sit in those emotions because they feel so true. I’m not saying it is okay to be under compensated or mistreated. Rather, what is wrong is basking in those feelings for the sake of being a victim and indulging in those emotions so we don’t have to move forward.

After shifting my thoughts about the situation to ones that made me feel strong and confident, I was able to have the discussions that really mattered. I came into those discussions feeling confident in myself and I left the anger and resentment at the door. By shifting my thinking, I was able to show up in a more authentic and productive manner. I didn’t explode, I didn’t scream and yell or pull all sorts of dramatics. I used the situation as an opportunity to grow, an experience with a different kind of bravery and vulnerability.

I asked for the compensation that I wanted, and I spoke my truth.

I am a better person simply for having that difficult conversation.

As year-end meetings come upon us and we encounter year-end reviews or compensation discussions, be aware of your thinking and how it is making you feel. If you are upset or unhappy, allow yourself to feel upset and unhappy but don’t camp out there—don’t indulge in those feelings. Consider other ways to think about the situation. How is this situation pushing you to grow? Consider how you would handle the situation in the ‘perfect world’ and slip into that persona. Find thoughts that allow you to wear that persona for a day—what would you be thinking? What would you be feeling?

I can guarantee you the thoughts that are going to carry you forward are NOT the ones that cause you to feel angry and bitter.

If you are stuck in bitterness and resentment about your work or your compensation, I promise you that those feeling are never going to spur you into the types of actions that will get you the results you want. If I told you that road would never lead you to success, why would you choose to keep driving?

Coach with me and learn how your brain may be what is holding you back from taking authentic action and moving out of indulgent emotions.

Where do these “shoulds” come from?

Is there some universal guidebook out there that dictates how our family members, significant others, or friends should act? Is there some instruction manual that everyone else has but me? How does everyone know how they are supposed to act or what they should do in any given situation? Did someone forget to give me my copy?

The truth is that these shoulds are all just thoughts. There is no requirement that you must answer every call from your family member in order to be a good sister. There is also no requirement that your boss respect you or appreciate you or even give you credit for your work.

Every adult human being on the face of this planet has the absolute right to act any way that they want.

Their “shoulds” probably don’t match your shoulds. They are not going to act how you want them or expect them to act, no matter how hard you try.

Despite this truth, we spend so much time and effort being frustrated and irritated that our husband isn’t taking out the trash or that our friend never answers her phone when we call her. Modern therapists will often tell you that you need to communicate your needs to these people so that they can rise up and satisfy your needs. While I agree that communication is essential for any healthy relationship, I also believe there is something much more nefarious about this approach.

Let’s be honest. The real reason we are so frustrated is because these people are not acting how we want them to act.

And even when we tell them how we want them to act, they don’t do it and then we really get pissed and the relationship tension skyrockets. The problem is that when we tell someone these are my needs and I would like you to satisfy them so that I can be happier with our relationship, we are giving them all of our power. If the theory underlying that request is true, we are all screwed because the only way we can be happy based upon that theory is if the other person does what we ask.

How has that worked out for you?

I’m guessing not very well. Humans don’t want to be controlled or manipulated so that others can feel a certain way and no one should have that much power over your happiness. When we take this approach, we are basically saying The only way I can be happy with our relationship is if you will change your behavior to align with my needs. This sure looks like manipulation’s closely related cousin. We are trying to change others’ behavior; we are trying to control them in order to be happy. That does not seem like a recipe for a healthy relationship.

The only person who can influence and control your happiness is you.

What is really swirling around in the background and driving these relationship disputes are a whole lot of shoulds. He should be more affectionate . . . my boss should be nicer when she gives me feedback . . . she shouldn’t talk down to me . . . He should know the trash needs to go out, etc. These shoulds form a framework, we call a manual. The reason we think all of these things is because we have a manual of how a husband/boss/co-worker/friend is supposed to act. We have all these expectations about how these relationships are supposed to work. What’s more is that we rarely communicate these manuals to the people in our lives.

One of the first things I recommend in order to improve your relationships with other humans in your orbit is to first be aware of all the shoulds passing through your brain. Write them down. Don’t judge yourself for having them – that’s really just another should prancing around: You shouldn’t be so critical/judgmental, whatever. It’s just not productive. Be honest and write down all those expectations and thoughts. Once you have a clear sense of your secret manuals, you can start evaluating whether or not each element of the manual is important to you. Is it really important to you to believe that your husband should send you flowers on your birthday? Why? What are you making it mean when he doesn’t? Are those thoughts valid? Are they serving you and your relationship? Do you like your reasoning?

Now, we are not preparing instructions for a mail-order human here; at this point we just focus on what is really important to us because once we know that we can decide how to communicate that to the people in our lives. That is why it is so critical to evaluate the importance of each element in your manual – if you are too embarrassed to communicate that to the person at issue, then it’s probably not that important.

Now, here is the really critical piece of it . . . if and when you decide to express your “manual” to the other person, that person has the absolute right to choose to meet those expectations or to choose not to meet those standards. That person has no obligation to change to fit into your manual.

As a human, they can choose to act in any way that they want to. Period.

At this point, the work begins: you must accept that this person can choose to disregard your manual and that their choice is their choice and does not mean anything negative about you. You get to choose to be happy about the relationship, even where the other person doesn’t fit your manual. You can choose to think that you spoke your peace and feel resolution in that regard but you must release any and all expectation relating to their actions.

You are responsible for your happiness. Not them.

Most people choose to express their needs and get angry when the other person doesn’t change to satisfy them. That never works out. If you don’t want to live your life experiencing that result over and over again, you must choose to be happy with the relationship as it is and accept the other person for who they are – not what you are desperately trying to mold them into. Think about it. How do you YOU feel when someone tries to get you to act in a way that you don’t want to or when someone tries to make you do something you don’t want to?

These “shoulds” are arbitrary and capricious expectations that we have created with our thoughts and that we can change.

For example, if you think My boss should not need to yell at me in the hallway in front of everyone. You can decide whether your expectations of your boss are important enough for you to discuss with him/her directly. Whether you have the discussion or not, just know that he does not have to change to fit into your model of a “good boss” and he probably won’t. He is acting just as he should – we know because that is how he is acting! He can choose to act in any way that he wants and he doesn’t need to change for your to feel better about your worth or skills.

The reason you feel crappy isn’t because of him yelling at you in the hallway. You feel crappy because of what you are making it mean when he yells at you. Because of what you are thinking about it – I am so embarrassed, everyone is judging me, everyone thinks I’m an idiot, I can’t believe he did that to me, everyone saw and is probably talking about it. Those thoughts are what are making you feel miserable. He can yell at you and you can have completely different thoughts that aren’t going to make you feel like crap – You must be a really sad human to treat other people like that . . . when I leave this firm, I hope you see how this played a role in my decision . . . you are just really stressed about your big client that just left . . . I am good at my job and everyone knows it . . . you are just being dramatic. The point is, you don’t have to make it about you and you don’t have to make it something negative.

If you can clean up your thoughts around other people and stop thinking about how they should be acting, you will stop caring so much about that manual. It won’t matter as much because you will find that there is nothing the other person can do that will impact your happiness – that power rests with you and you alone.

Now, just to be clear, I am not saying that you should just be a doormat and let other people treat you like crap. What I’m saying is that we need to clear all the shoulds and BS from our heads before can we can clearly evaluate a relationship and make a decision about whether we want that relationship in our life. If our discomfort around another human is all being driven by unspoken expectations and manuals, we have some work to do. This work will help you examine what’s really going on without all the drama. What is really going on with this person and why does it bother you so much? It is really that important? What am I gaining from maintaining that manual for this person? Are those expectations serving me and this relationship?

I promise you, the work you will do with the manual and other humans can transform your life and your happiness. Besides, it will absolutely be easier than trying to change everyone around you, right? We all carry manuals for the people in our lives. Work with me and let me break down those shoulds so your relationships can blossom.