It must be the month for difficult conversations. Lately, many of my clients have been working with me to navigate challenging discussions–how to ask for a raise, how to negotiate for a new position, how to set boundaries with family. As we navigate those difficult discussions, a common theme often occurs: these conversations are painful because we are worried about what the other person is going to think about us.

In difficult conversations, we are being vulnerable and expressing our truth and we want the other person to receive it as such, which an open mind and an open heart.

We don’t want to be judged for our truths.

This gets further complicated because we know we cannot control what other person thinks about us but yet we strive to craft a conversation that will perfectly impress upon the other person our position. We agonize over our story, trying to perfectly prepare the discussion. This is an exercise in futility. You have no control over how they will receive you (or if they will even listen to you!). So what can we do to alleviate those worries?

We own our worries and allow them to become part of our truth.

For example, when asking for a raise, one of the concerns is that we are going to be seen as greedy, ungrateful, or threatening to leave. Our minds become filled with those worries and judgments so much so that we sometimes talk ourselves out of the conversation entirely. What if instead of allowing those worries to drive us away from the conversation, those worries became part of the conversation? Instead of letting that frantic energy run amok during the discussion, we simply own those thoughts and air them out:

In thinking about this conversation, I want to make sure that you understand how grateful I am for the opportunities you have given me, I think it’s really important for women to negotiate their pay and I just want to explore this with you to see where there is room to move. I’m not planning to leave but I just want to better understand the rationale behind my current compensation.

Difficult conversations are essential to our growth and success. If you have a difficult conversation on the horizon, consider gifting yourself a coaching session so that we can fine tune your strategy and put you in the best position for that conversation. It all starts with a free consult.

For every nagging worry, every fearful thought about what they might be thinking about us in those moments, we just own them and air them. We call them out so that everyone has the opportunity to make their own decisions about those worries. Rather than letting a prospective employer think that you are asking for more money because you are greedy, you can own that in the moment and let them know your rationale for asking and confirm that you aren’t simply being greedy, you could even say that explicitly:

I find these conversations really difficult because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m greedy or over-reaching. It’s not about the money; it’s about being valued for my contributions and feeling like those contributions are recognized.

If the worry is bothering you and making the conversation more difficult, find a way to bring it into the discussion.

These conversations are intended to provide truth and clarity for all parties, don’t hold back on parts of your truth (psst, your worries and concerns are part of your truth too).

When we don’t own those worries outright as part of the discussion, they boil beneath the surface and our conversation becomes a chess match--what I can say so that they don’t think XYZ?…OMG, what if they think that means I don’t want the job?!–and we start trying to craft our responses and commentary to “control” their thinking. We end up acting weird and manipulative and can get disconnected from the moment.  Instead, when we simply air those worries, we provide ourselves the best opportunity to provide our side of the story. And, bonus, it alleviates some of that nervous energy because we release it!

In the end, you won’t ever control others’ thinking but you can at least endeavor to provide your full side of the story and attempt to address any perceived concerns (or judgements) they might have. Whatever they might make the conversation mean, you will at least be able to walk away knowing that you spoke your truth, your FULL truth.

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Compensation.

Partnership compensation and “points” and associate compensation, raises, and bonuses (oh my!).

While some years it was an exciting and happy time for me, in other years, it was fraught with frustration and anger, particularly after I made partner. As a partner, year-end meant the dreaded year-end partnership meeting where we would analyze our performance over the prior fiscal year, scrutinize our practice group projections, and learn about compensation structure for the next year. As a partner, I knew exactly how much my counterparts were receiving in compensation and I could see how many hours they billed the prior year. Whenever the performance and compensation charts were projected on the screen, the room would become hushed, faces carefully guarded and reactions withheld.

Everyone was making mental notes and judgments.

I hated those meetings. I told myself that I hated them because of the way they “made me feel.”

I once talked to a well-seasoned partner about the meetings and my frustrations with compensation—So and so doesn’t really bill that many hours, it’s all inflated….so and so gets additional points every year but does nothing to earn it…she only gets a raise every year because she brown noses to all the right people—and he told me that he stopped going to those meetings or reviewing the compensation sheets altogether. He told me that it wasn’t worth the mental anguish and frustration and it was better not to know.

Now there’s an idea. The good ‘ole ostrich approach.

Instead of anguish at year-end, I could opt of the whole charade in favor of blissful ignorance.  I could skip the meeting, burn the compensation sheet, and avoid weeks of stewing and mental judo. I could just keep moving forward, unmolested by irritation! Ta daaaa!

But I just couldn’t do it.

While I can certainly understand the sentiment Out of sight, out of mind, it just didn’t resonate with me, as a woman and significant minority in my role at the firm, to not know how I was being treated in comparison to others. What kind of advocate could I be if I wasn’t looking at the facts? As my coach had always told me: 

Look, See, Tell the Truth, Take Authentic Action. 

If I wasn’t looking and telling the truth about the circumstances, how could I take authentic action in my career?

So, I started examining my discomfort with those meetings and the thoughts driving those feelings.

It boiled down to all sorts of nasty thoughts that created feelings of anger and resentment—This isn’t fair…women will never be equally valued…no one values the work I am doing here…I’m not one of them so I don’t matter. All of those thoughts hammered my brain for weeks after those meetings. It wasn’t the meetings making me feel terrible, it was my thoughts about those meetings.

Once I made that connection, I was able to change my thoughts and shift how I was showing up. Instead of simmering in anger and resentment, I started to think—

This is a huge opportunity for me to be a voice for women…this is my chance to be honest and have difficult conversations with the Board…I can learn so much from this opportunity to ask for what I want and to be honest, no matter how difficult. 

Rather than stewing in the indulgent emotions of bitterness and resentment, I chose to look at the facts and take action. Sitting in my feelings of anger and resentment were getting me nowhere. They were making me withdraw from work, lash out, and spew bitterness to anyone who would listen. Those feelings were indulgent for me. They felt appropriate. They felt important. But they weren’t moving me forward. That was the problem. Instead, I told myself I could be angry and bitter for a few days and then I had to get to work managing my mind and shifting to thoughts that created authentic actions.

I’m not saying that when someone is feeling under compensated or mistreated, they should put on a happy face and “think positively” about it. What I am saying is that, often times, when we face challenges at work, we choose to wallow in indulgent emotions (bitterness, resentment, anger, jealousy) that don’t move us forward. We get stuck because we believe we are being wronged. We sit in those emotions because they feel so true. I’m not saying it is okay to be under compensated or mistreated. Rather, what is wrong is basking in those feelings for the sake of being a victim and indulging in those emotions so we don’t have to move forward.

After shifting my thoughts about the situation to ones that made me feel strong and confident, I was able to have the discussions that really mattered. I came into those discussions feeling confident in myself and I left the anger and resentment at the door. By shifting my thinking, I was able to show up in a more authentic and productive manner. I didn’t explode, I didn’t scream and yell or pull all sorts of dramatics. I used the situation as an opportunity to grow, an experience with a different kind of bravery and vulnerability.

I asked for the compensation that I wanted, and I spoke my truth.

I am a better person simply for having that difficult conversation.

As year-end meetings come upon us and we encounter year-end reviews or compensation discussions, be aware of your thinking and how it is making you feel. If you are upset or unhappy, allow yourself to feel upset and unhappy but don’t camp out there—don’t indulge in those feelings. Consider other ways to think about the situation. How is this situation pushing you to grow? Consider how you would handle the situation in the ‘perfect world’ and slip into that persona. Find thoughts that allow you to wear that persona for a day—what would you be thinking? What would you be feeling?

I can guarantee you the thoughts that are going to carry you forward are NOT the ones that cause you to feel angry and bitter.

If you are stuck in bitterness and resentment about your work or your compensation, I promise you that those feeling are never going to spur you into the types of actions that will get you the results you want. If I told you that road would never lead you to success, why would you choose to keep driving?

Coach with me and learn how your brain may be what is holding you back from taking authentic action and moving out of indulgent emotions.