So how do we rip up those thoughts and get to a place of believing we can do anything?

We must first get to a place where we recognize and acknowledge that those thoughts we carry around in our heads are just opinions. They are not factual. They have not come to fruition. They are just words in our heads. Words we give power to.

Next we must realize that when we give those sentences power, they grow stronger. When we sit with those negative beliefs, our brain will provide all sorts of evidence to support those fears. If you give power to “I’m going to fail,” your brain will offer all sorts of evidence to support that thinking — ALL the reasons why failing is inevitable. Your brain is not designed to argue with the thoughts in your head. It is designed to agree with you by providing supporting evidence (i.e., confirmation bias). That’s why those thoughts feel so true. It’s why they have such a hold over us! But when was the last time, you also asked your brain to provide you with opposing evidence — to prove that you CAN DO IT?

When we worry that we can’t do it, we don’t even give ourselves the chance to consider whether the opposite might actually be true.

What if you can do it?

What if you are MEANT to do it?

Let’s be honest, none of us have proof that we can’t do it. None of us know with certainty that we will fail. So before we can shift to rosy thoughts about how we know we can do it, we first have to recognize our own role in this little song-and-dance: sometimes we give too much power to crappy beliefs about ourselves. Maybe we learned them from our parents, maybe they are criticisms offered by unkind friends or lovers of the past. Wherever they came from, their existence in our minds does not make them truthful.

Once we see our patterned thinking as just bad brain habits and not evidence of our innate shortcomings, we can practice believing something else. We can start to compassionately understand why we have gravitated toward those thoughts and we can dismantle those structures. For many of us, the reason negative thinking about ourselves is so powerful and so ingrained in our habits is that there’s a part of us that believes in the veracity of those statements. Knowing that, we can work to let that go too.

We all know that we say terrible things ourselves in our heads. We all know we have these limiting beliefs that we carry around. But the reason we carry them around is that there is a part of us that still wants to believe in their truth. You can’t let go of a belief so long as you are committed to the investment that it is true at least in part. We have to get to a place where we recognize that in our life we have so many choices to make. Choices to make about what we think about ourselves. We do not have to choose to believe that we can’t make it or that we’re going to get fired. Seeing those thoughts as choices can allow us to choose to believe something else.

But can’t some of those negative thoughts push us to try harder and do better?

I get asked this all the time. Intellectually, we know it’s not okay to talk to ourselves the way that we do and to carry around these worries about inadequacy; however, many of us look to our past successes as evidence that maybe being hard on ourselves is why we have succeeded. Maybe being hard on ourselves is how we were able to get where we are!

While I agree that for many of us, being hard on ourselves and pushing ourselves certainly contributed to our early successes in life. But when women come to me for coaching support, they are out of gas. They have pushed so hard they are pushing themselves right out the door and off of a cliff. While being hard on ourselves might have served us early in our careers, we eventually get to a point where it no longer serves us. We start to see the negative effects of treating ourselves so poorly. We have the success and the accolades but we have no boundaries, no balance, and our relationship with ourselves (and often others) is completely broken. You shouldn’t have to beat yourself into submission to achieve success — that pattern will leave you worse off than you started. (What’s the point of all that success if you don’t love yourself enough to allow yourself to enjoy it?)

What if instead of using negative self-talk to motivate ourselves, we choose to believe that we are inherently good enough and that we can be whomever we want to be?

Motivation will spring from either mindset but one requires an investment in our abilities while the other requires an investment in self-judgment. Which is more sustainable? Which will reap you more long-term benefits?

The choice is always yours.

Photo by Katrina Wright on Unsplash

To illustrate this point, I’ve been thinking through accomplishments in history where it’s clear that the champions were able to challenge the thinking of the time in order to create something great.

One thing that most readily came to mind was the concept that our earth is flat. And yes, I have seen the Netflix documentary Flat Earth exploring those of us who continue to subscribe to the belief that our earth is, in fact, flat. Flat Earth people aside, let’s consider the thinking that led to the discovery that our earth is actually round. In order to take the actions that ultimately confirmed the earth’s spherical shape, early thinkers from Pythagoras, Eratosthenes, Aristotle, Plato, Columbus, etc. had to be open to the possibility that the current thinking about the earth was wrong. They had to consider the possibility that everything we had always thought might not be the absolute truth. At the time, these men might not have known how right they were but at least they were open to the possibility.

We cannot do great things while carrying with us opposing beliefs.

These historical figures could not have generated the confidence and curiosity to challenge the theory of the earth’s flatness while being equally invested in the belief that the earth was flat. They had to shake that belief loose and consider the possibility that it might not be absolute. They were open to challenging the predominant certainties.

While this may seem an obvious and unnecessary exploration of history, I point this out because so often my clients are unwilling to dive into the ugly parts of their own brains. They want to develop the pretty thoughts and motivating thoughts or the thoughts that will generate action for them. They don’t want to spend time rolling up their sleeves and looking at their negative thinking and challenging those beliefs.

This is counterproductive and will serve only to create greater cognitive dissonance for my clients as they try to move forward. It’s like stretching a rubber band until it snaps back together — sure, you can make progress in that direction but the progress is never permanent; you always end up right back where you started. You simply cannot generate new action and new results from the same set of beliefs — you have to start thinking and feeling differently.

This requires us to challenge our existing thinking. 

In order to take action in a new direction, we need to generate emotions that will drive new actions and new explorations in recognition that a different truth may exist. Where we have conflicting beliefs that we continue to invest in and give energy to we’re never going to be open to equally investing in a new belief that will generate the energy needed to create the action that we want in order to create a new result.

In sum, unless and until we dismantle pre-existing belief models we will never have the energetic capacity to create new actions and results.

The conflicting, outdated beliefs will act as a ball-and-chain keeping the new beliefs from gaining traction. We will only be partially invested in the new belief, thus the emotions and actions that belief can generate will be restrained. The result is that we will never fully create what we want because we have always hedged our bets by holding onto our existing beliefs.

When we try to breathe life into new beliefs without dismantling our old operating system, we stifle our efforts.

We cannot shift to prettier thoughts and create better feelings and results while at the same time equally investing in opposing beliefs. It’s like putting on a pair of shoes that are 10 sizes too big and trying to run a marathon. It just doesn’t work. Those aren’t your shoes!

The majority of the women I work with want to be more confident. They want to believe they can do it, that they are doing a good job, and that they are good enough. They want to live and act from that space. The problem is they aren’t facing the reality that parts of them are still persuaded by beliefs that they aren’t good enough and that they aren’t going to make it. They are still holding on to the possibility that what they want to believe is not true.

Unless and until they unpack that circus, they will never be able to act from a genuine place of confident beliefs.

We have to look at those existing beliefs and get to a place where we can see them as just that. Choices were making and things we’re choosing to believe. We limit ourselves because we are not coming to new beliefs from a place of investment; rather, we are coming to a new belief from a place of uncertainty and exploration because we’re still committed to believing something else. We cannot create the life we want if we show up every day believing that law firms are unfriendly places for women, places where women can’t succeed as easily as men. That belief is never going to stop sucking part of your energy away from the true intended goal of building a practice you are happy in. That belief will always creep in and reinvest your energy in hopelessness.

If you are truly seeking success in your law firm, we have to start thinking about the law firm life differently.

We have to be open to the possibility that what we have been believing all along is not necessarily true. It’s just our opinion. It’s not factual and it is not serving us. In other words, we cannot shift any beliefs until we find ourselves in a place where we can see the old beliefs as what they are: bad choices that you’re no longer going to make. Not facts and clearly not places we choose to our energy. Only from there can we shift our energy to something new and start creating something new. To do otherwise is to divide our efforts and divide our energy and handicap yourself from the very beginning.

So there it is my friends, get to work looking at your ugly thinking and work on yourself from a place where you can see that all your beliefs about the situation are optional perceptions. You can choose something else. You can be open to the possibility that your perceptions are not the only truth available to you.

Work with me; schedule a free consult and let’s start dismantling your “thought” balls and chains so you can start creating lasting change.

Photo by Joey Kyber from Pexels

There is something about being surrounded by intelligent and talented humans that sends us right back to junior high. Feeling like we don’t fit in and not wanting to be found out in our discomfort.

For many of my female clients, it’s even worse when they are also struggling with their own physical insecurities. Not only do they start to fee like an impostor but they start to see everyone around them as some sort of a Stepford Lawyer. Everyone else is the total package, Elle Woods with the brain of RBG.

When you compare yourself to others, it sets you up for the great cop out.

Believing that others have “it” and we don’t, that we aren’t one of them, justifies our Grand Exit.

Those beliefs allow us to give up on ourselves. To quit before we even try. They completely set you up for failure.

If it were true that you either have “it” or you don’t or you’re one of them or you’re not, then OF COURSE, it would be perfectly logical and justifiable to quit. It wouldn’t make sense to continue. If we were playing monopoly and you didn’t have a board piece, there would be no sense in playing the game. It would make perfect sense to sit it out.

But these are not facts! There is no magical “it”!

There is no biological predisposition for success.

These are things you are choosing to believe. And you are choosing them because they justify your lack of trying. It’s easier to believe you don’t have “it” than to force yourself to keep trying and failing until you succeed.

These beliefs justify failing before you start.

When we believe we just don’t have it, we’re not one of them, it is our brain’s way of keeping us safe and protecting us.

Your brain is wired to keep you safe. In the cave. Away from things that might hurt you (lions, tigers, and judge-y lawyers, oh my!). Your primitive brain does not want you to try new things or put yourself out there. It wants you safe on the couch, hands full of Doritos, guzzling wine, high on dopamine. It wants you to commit to believing you aren’t one of them so you can get your ass back on the couch where the scariest thing you will encounter are re-runs of the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Lawyers come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, educational levels, pedigree, etc. We need lawyers of all kinds because humans are not cookie cutter.

Some clients do not want an Elle Woods-RBG hybrid. They want someone who reminds them of their daughter, their trusted friend, someone they can relate to, someone they deem trustworthy or “normal”.

When you tell yourself, “I’m not one of them,” you are setting your brain on a mission to prove that thought true. It sets your mind on a collision course with everything you have ever done wrong and every area you have ever come up short. It will prove to you, without a doubt, that you my love, do not belong. You gave your brain an assignment (“I don’t belong”) and it’s going to get to work demonstrating the truth of that thought.

Buying into those beliefs blocks your innate ability to see it any other way.

If you commit to opening up to the opposite truth, imagine what your brain could show you. If you can consider “I am learning and struggling just like everyone else…we all have our challenges…perfection is an impossibility…they all went through the same things I’m going through,” imagine what your brain would show you to prove those thoughts.

How would your life change if you carried those possibilities with you?

Instead of fleeing from these people around us who seem to have it all together, what would it be like to engage them, learn from them, be inspired by them? I promise you, the closer you get to those Stepford humans, the less Stepford and more plain human they will become.

Stop putting others on a pedestal.

Stop making yourself less than. You are giving up on yourself so that you don’t have to run the race. That, my friend, is not a pattern you want to become skilled at. That is the recipe for a life un-lived, a life without discomfort.

Impostor syndrome is not a thing. Let me prove it to you.

Anywho, it got me thinking about our brains and the power that we all have residing within us. I like to think of my brain is a magical genie and if you coach with me, I’m sure you have heard me describe your brain the same way. And yes, dear reader, yours is too I promise.

Have you ever noticed that when you go car-shopping and you start getting interested in a particular make and model of that car, you start to notice it everywhere? Or when you suddenly realize that you are in love with your best friend and you start to find hints of your infatuation in every historical and present interaction? How could you have missed that?! You are so meant to be together! Bah!  Or when you think I want to study abroad in China and all of a sudden you notice “signs” every where confirming your love of China and that your entire life has brought you to this realization.

We have all had those moments were our brain is directed toward a particular item/realization/thought and suddenly your world is filled with evidence to support that thought.

Setting fate, destiny, laws of attraction aside, let’s focus on the neuroscience of this. Your brain is a magical machine and when you give it a task (read: a thought) it buzzes to life sniffing out every possible iota of evidence to support that thought–when you think I really need to travel to China your brain will gravitate to any and all evidence supporting that thought disregarding any evidence to the contrary. Your brain wants to keep you safe and that means focusing on the task at hand and avoiding distractions.

Conversely, this also works for not so warm and fuzzy thoughts. For instance, if you tell yourself I’m really clumsy, your brain will come up with all sorts of evidence to support that thought. If you tell yourself I’m not good with math, your brain will get to work proving to you that your thought is true. Your brain wants to be efficient. You give it a task (a thought) and it will get to work executing that task (proving that thought).

(In fact, often times the emotions generated by that thought will also create actions that only serve to prove the thought true as well but that’s another discussion for another time. Suffice it to say that any thought creates activity on multiple levels that will ultimately demonstrate the proof of that thought.)

This is such an important realization particularly for those of us who are trying to turn a corner in our lives. So often my clients are wanting to make that leap. They want to change course, quit their job, start a business, get a divorce, whatever, but they keep telling themselves I don’t know how.

When you tell yourself I don’t know how , your brain will get to work confirming that you have no idea what you are doing. It will prove to you that you don’t know how to do it. It will present you with a list of all the things you don’t understand and won’t be able to figure out.

I don’t know how to start a business, I don’t know anything about taxes, or corporate entities, or how to get a website or a tax id, I don’t know what kind of business I would want…and on and on and on.

“I don’t know” is the biggest dream destroying thought I have ever encountered.

It feels SO TRUE but it’s not. It’s just a thought and all thoughts are optional. If you truly don’t want to ever figure it out, please go on your merry way thinking I don’t know.

This rule also holds true for the people in our lives and what we think about them. If you keep telling yourself how selfish your partner is, your brain will mercilessly tally up each and every “selfish” thing your partner does and disregard evidence to the contrary.

The net result: whatever you focus your energy on, is what you are going to get. If you focus your energy on your partner being selfish, you will find a no-good, very bad, selfish partner. Congratulations!

In contrast, if you can choose to focus on the good aspects in yourself and other humans, your brain will get to work finding evidence to support that thought. It will help you build support for seeing the good in other people. This is why people can have such varying and strongly held opinions on each other — it all comes down to what they are choosing to focus on.

Let’s consider the alternative. If you start thinking I can figure this out, your brain will get working to present you with all possible avenues to sort it out. It will offer you ideas and so many different ways that you could figure it out.

If you make an effort to consciously think My partner is incredibly kind and gentle, your brain will find so much proof of how great your partner is in these respects. It will change the energy you bring to that relationship just by shifting that focus. Imagine what benefits could result from that change in perspective and presence.

It’s all about where we focus our energy and what we direct our brain to do. If your brain were a genie, consider what you are asking it to give you. That is what your thoughts are doing. Choose wisely.

Work with me and let’s see how far we can push your genie. You deserve to have all your hopes and dreams come true.

Most of us take this to mean the trifecta: What do you do? Are you married? Do you have kids?

The interesting thing about how we respond to these lines of questioning is that our responses almost invariably describe our pasts.

I am married (Read: 10 years ago, I took a vow to another person.)

I have 3 kids (Read: Over the past several years, I have given birth to three humans.)

I am an attorney (Read: I went to law school 15 years ago.)

I don’t know about you but who I am today is only a small fleck of the person I was 10 or 15 years ago. All of those responses describe our past actions. Our past selves. None of this is who we are today.

What if you had to answer that question but could not reference your past in doing so? What would your response be?

Hard, right?

What gets really interesting is when we take it one step further:

I like to read.

I am not good at basketball.

I am an introvert.

I don’t like to be in large crowds.

I am not a good dancer.

I like to snow ski.

All of these things we use to describe ourselves we treat as factual. As if they just are. But in reality, these things describe our past experiences. Our past likes and dislikes. Our past successes and failures.

I used to like to wear my brother’s clothing and I never wore makeup.

That is not the case anymore! I have changed, and my likes/dislikes and self-expression have changed as well.

So often in our lives we drag our pasts with us in ways that we don’t even recognize:

I’m not good with relationships (because I am divorced)

I am not good at public speaking (because I had a really bad experience at a conference 2 years ago)

I don’t really like to try new sports (because I broke my ankle snowboarding for the first time)

Whatever it is we are telling ourselves and others about ourselves is often past-focused. We look to our past to describe who we are. To define ourselves. We look to our past to forecast our future self:

In the past I had a bad relationship and so that means I am bad with relationships today and will be in the future. I’ve tried, and it didn’t work out so that’s just my lot.

When you do this, when you look to your past to describe who you are today, you are investing in your past failures and limitations. You are looking to those past experiences to create your future.

For instance, so often people identify themselves by what they do for a living. That characterizations can limit how we see ourselves today and in our future. Who cares if I became an attorney decades ago? That has no bearing whatsoever on who I am now and where my future is going! So what if you didn’t go to college?! That has nothing to do with whether you will go to college next week, so why bother bringing it up? What you wanted to do for a living when you were in your 20s is irrelevant today.

When crafting your future, do not limit your dreams to what you have accomplished in the past, it will only limit you. Your past is no indication of who and what you can be tomorrow, next week, next year.

We carry our pasts with us like the contrails from a plane. Stop doing that! That doesn’t exist anymore unless you let it. Don’t look to your past to define yourself today and envision your future. It is irrelevant data. The only thing that matters is what you want in your future; that has nothing to do with where you have been.

The next time someone says to you “Tell me about yourself,” I hope that you will pause and consider the question anew. Don’t limit who you are by what you did 5, 10, 15 years ago. Let your past rest and start creating the person you want to be today.

Every. Single. Day. Is an opportunity to create the life and the person you want to be.

I love helping my clients dream about their future and move away from their past limiting beliefs. I would be honored to support you as well.

Why is it that we don’t do those things?

For many of my clients it’s because they are afraid of failure. They are afraid of how they will feel if that book gets rejected by every editor, your solo practice tanks, you realize you hate this new practice area after all, or your spouse decides to leave you. They are afraid of failing.

Given that this thing, failure, is standing in the way of so many dreams and preventing us from honoring ourselves, I think it makes sense to see what this failure thing is all about.

If you put “what is failure” into your magical computing machine, you get all sorts of interesting feedback. Wikipedia tells me that “failure is the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success.” As you go down the internet rabbit hole, you will also find other interesting tidbits. Success.com says that failure is caused by lack of persistence, lack of conviction, rationalization, poor self-esteem, etc.

Putting this all together, it seems that the reason we are not writing the next Harry Potter series or asking for that promotion, is because we are afraid we will not be successful — we will not meet the desired result or objective.

So, instead of trying and failing, we choose to fail in this very moment.

Rather than try and not achieve the desired result, we are not trying and not achieving the desired result. Do you see that it’s certainly possible that we will fail in either event but in one instance we are actually taking authentic action and in the second we are giving in to the lack of persistence, lack of conviction, rationalization, and poor self-esteem?

Rather than taking the chance and failing in the future, you are not taking the chance and choosing to fail now.

What’s more is that most of my clients also choose to give themselves the gift of those negative failure feelings right now. Instead of first trying and riding the waves of motivation and excitement to pursue their dreams and then fail, they are not pursing their dreams at all and feeling terrible now for not pursuing them. They are beating themselves up as if they actually tried and failed but in reality they did nothing. What lunacy is this!?

So what’s the big deal with failure anyway – whether it’s now or in the future – why do we let it keep us from our goals? The truth of the matter is that failure is NOT a big deal. It’s not a big deal until we choose to make it a big deal.

Until we decide what it means to us . . . what it means about us. Failing is simply not meeting your desired objective. It does not mean you are a bad person, it does not mean you can’t achieve your dreams, it doesn’t mean anything until you ascribe a meaning to it and have thoughts about it!

You can choose what to think about your failures and how you think about it will drive how you feel about it and how you feel about yourself. Why are so many of us choosing to make it mean something so negative? When we make failure mean something negative about ourselves, we allow ourselves to fear failure because we are afraid of how we will feel when we fail. That fear is paralyzing so many of my clients and it’s all because of a choice they are making.

Henry Ford famously said “Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” He knew that every. single. time. you fail you learn how to not do something. You learn something about yourself, you learn something about the process, you might even learn that you no longer want that goal. Fearing failure is nothing more than being afraid to learn and grow.

If someone said to you, “I am going to win a gold medal at the Olympics on my first try and I am never going to lose a race on my way to the top,” you would think they were crazy. We know failure is a precursor to great success. So why is it that we can’t give that same rational grace to ourselves?

To attain your goals, you are going to have to get comfortable with failure and treat those failures as simply getting you one step closer.

If you want to do something, if you have a dream or a goal or a conversation you want to have, don’t be afraid to take that action and learn from your experience. Don’t anticipate that failure and plan on how you will make that failure mean something negative about yourself. Failure means nothing until you have a thought about it – good or bad – so why let it hold you back? However that experience turns out, you will learn something and, who knows, you might actually write the next Harry Potter on your first try but you won’t know until you act.

I think we should all commit to failing regularly. Ask someone out on a date, try a new workout class, pick up a new language, ask for that raise . . . whatever that might be. If the only thing that is holding you back is the fear about how you will feel if you don’t achieve it, you are allowing your life to be dominated by the fear of failure. Don’t fear failure. Embrace it like a badge of honor because the more you fail, the better you are going to know how to succeed.

After all, fear only hurts if you make it mean something negative.

I teach my clients that they need to be failing massively and often. They take the fruits of those failures and build their dreams. It’s amazing to see what people can do if they adjust the way they see failure and its necessary place in our lives.

Having an uncomfortable dream means being willing to fail and knowing that you can think about those failures however you want — positive or negative. In the end, it’s all progress toward your dreams.

Overcoming the fear of failure and learning to fail forward is at the heart of my coaching practice. Join me and let’s see what fearless looks like on you.

I have, in fact, shown up to work at a big fancy law firm with my shirt on inside out or having forgotten to do my eye make-up on just my left eye.

Just like all other humans on the face of the planet, I am challenged every day to evolve, to learn, and some days it’s a challenge just to fix my face and be kind.

No, dear readers, I do not have all the answers. If you ever encounter a life coach who tells you that they have the answers, take a mental picture and walk away slowly. Any one who claims to have all the answers is either an enlightened being or a narcissist.

What I can offer you is a ‘how to’ guide to yourself. Did you know that your brain has between 60,000 and 80,000 thoughts per day? I can’t even manage my ABCs if I have “wordy” music playing in the background. It’s a wonder we can get anything done with all those thoughts wandering around up there. But here’s the real deal. Those thoughts are choices. They are not facts, they do not necessarily represent the truth, and they do not just happen to you.

They are things you are choosing to think.

You control them. They are options and you are probably picking the crappy ones. If your thoughts are all choices and can be characterized as truth or falsity, don’t you think we should spend some time looking at those thoughts? I don’t mean the thoughts “that pen is pink” or “the sky is blue”. I am not challenging you to get all red pill, blue pill, matrix-style on me. The thoughts I challenge you to evaluate are those that have an impact on our daily lives. Those thoughts that drive our emotions, even if subtly.

Here’s the truth: your reptilian brain is stuck in a ‘thought routine.’ It is telling you, and you are believing, all sorts of things that aren’t true. And it is all happening without your awareness.

Here are a few of my own wonderful thoughts that required some challenging:

• my boss has no idea how to manage people
• my co-worker is a judgmental prick
• I can’t be a partner and have a family
• no one else works as hard as I do
• I am a terrible public speaker and I hate doing it

These types of thoughts often seem like bare naked truth. We like these thoughts, we LIVE these thoughts, we snuggle up with these thoughts at night when we are mad at the world or burying our faces in a gallon of pistachio ice cream. Every time I see that boss at the water fountain, I can just feel the irritation boiling up in me. Inevitably, I end up in a mental argument with him about how incompetent he is and how he’s an energy vampire sucking the enjoyment out of work for all of us who have to work with him. And on and on it goes.

Your brain evolved to keep you safe. Your brain did not evolve to “damn the man”, buck the system or get uncomfortable.

Your brain evolved to keep you in the cave; safe, warm and sheltered from the elements and predators. In order to do big things, you have to experience discomfort, fear, and uncertainty. Those types of actions will require you to either ignore all those thoughts in your head (white knuckle resistance) or develop alternative thoughts.

For example, it’s certainly possible that all of the above thoughts about my career and my boss are widely held and could potentially be proven true in a court of law by a jury of my peers. But couldn’t the following also be true?

• my boss is doing the best he can with the limited abilities that he has; no one ever taught him how to be a leader
• my coworker is incredibly insecure and is hard on everyone but especially on himself
• I can make my career be anything that I want it to be–with or without a family–because, after all, it is my career
• I go to work and do my best every day. I work diligently and honestly and make myself proud every day and that is all that matters
• I can learn to be a great pubic speaker

Maybe that boss is doing the best he can. Maybe he knows he isn’t doing a good job and spends all day long stewing about how he is probably going to get fired and then how is he going to support his kids and send them to college?! Is that true? I don’t know. Could it be true? Certainly. Are there things about that boss that you don’t know? Absolutely, 100%.

I’m not saying that you have to see everything and everyone with rose-colored glasses and you most definitely should not delude yourself or lie to yourself about anything. Ever. What I’m saying is that there are good things or unknown things about every person and circumstance in your life. Why not spend your energy thinking about those things instead or, at least, considering their existence? Because, after all, what you are thinking is truly a choice.

The reason this work is so important is because those thoughts elicit feelings that will drive your actions and ultimately your results. Your thoughts are the very root of your feelings, your actions, and your results. Period. Crappy thoughts = Crappy results.

If you spend every day thinking pissy thoughts about your boss, you are going to feel terrible–angry, annoyed, unmotivated. It’s your choice. But why would you choose that?! Do you want to feel angry, annoyed, and unmotivated?

Let’s test this theory. Spend 30 seconds, reading through each of these thoughts and imagining them applying to situation in your life. Sit with those thoughts.

• my boss has no idea how to manage people
• my co-worker is a judgmental prick
• I can’t be a partner and have a family
• no one else works as hard as I do
• I am a terrible public speaker and I hate doing it

Now how do you feel? Truly? How are you feeling right now after sitting with those thoughts?

When I read through that set of thoughts and put myself in that head space it make me angry and indignant. I stew about the ‘old boys club’ and I get down on myself and my shortcomings. I certainly don’t feel motivated to do much to advance my career or better my work situation. I feel deflated and hopeless.

How about this — did your brain have a hard time coming up examples of how those thoughts had been true in your life? I doubt it. Your brain is a magical machine and if you give it a task (i.e., a thought) it will get to work coming up with proof to support those thoughts.

Now take a spin through the second set of thoughts and do the same exercise:

• my boss is doing the best he can with the limited abilities that he has; no one ever taught him how to be a leader
• my coworker is incredibly insecure and is hard on everyone but especially on himself
• I can make my career be anything that I want it to be–with or without a family–because, after all, it is my career
• I go to work and do my best every day. I work diligently and honestly and make myself proud every day and that is all that matters
• I can learn to be a great pubic speaker

How do you feel? Lighter than before? More open to new possibilities for your career and life? Was your brain able to come up with some semblance of support for these thoughts? When I read through that second set of thoughts and think of them in a way that I can find some kernel of truth in them and believe them, I feel differently. Optimistic. From that space I can make better choices and take actions that are more consistent with my values.

For example, instead of crucifying my boss in my head every day, I could instead think “he is doing the best he can and I know that if I needed time off or needed to vent to him about things, he would be there and he would listen.” Or “I know my boss and I have never seen eye to eye but he would truly be disappointed if I left; he really does want me to succeed.” Those thoughts, even typing those thoughts, makes me feel better about the situation.

Here’s what I am trying to virtually show you…Those thoughts bouncing around up there create your feelings. Feeling upset up about something? Stop and take 30 seconds alone to sit down and write down every freaking thought in your head. Those thoughts are what are making you feel that way. Nothing else. There is no event out there in the world making you feel a certain way and there are no humans on this planet making you feel a certain way. Those feelings are all based upon your thoughts – your CHOICES. Take a long look at all those thoughts you just wrote down–are they all true? Are they things you want to be thinking? Are those choices you feel good about making?

That’s the magic sauce, my friends. If you can gain awareness of your thoughts and how those thoughts impact your feelings and all actions that flow from those feelings, you can change your life.

If that doesn’t click for you, let’s bring Bill Nye into this. Check out the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto and his experiments on how our thoughts and intentions alter the shape and structure of water crystals. For the non-science-y ones of us, Dr. Emoto studied the impact of positive and negative thoughts and how those thoughts impacted water crystallization. Where water was exposed to positive thinking, the water formed beautiful, balanced crystalline structures. In comparison, those exposed to negative thinking or words formed distorted and unshapely crystalline structures. Now consider the fact that up to 60% of our bodies are made of water and our brains and hearts are over 70% water.

If you think those negative thoughts are hurting your boss, think again. They are only hurting you. Literally.

They are physically altering significant portions of your body, especially your brain and your heart. What’s more, those thoughts are creating negative feelings and let’s be honest, negative feelings don’t often inspire us to become employee of the year. So here again, you are only hurting yourself – your boss does not feel those mental jabs you are throwing. We can’t all be Jedi.

My work is founded upon this truth: our thoughts create our feelings which create our actions and ultimately our life. I promise you that I can show you that any action or inaction in your life and your career are being driven by thoughts you might not even be aware of or thoughts that are simply untrue. This not easy work and I am not concerned that I am giving you the keys to the kingdom by telling you all this. This is basic truth that every human should know. I work with my clients to learn the sneaky ways our brains trick us and hold us back. You will be amazed at yourself, I promise you. If it was easy, everyone would do it and everyone would be living their dreams. That is not the case because this stuff is hard. Plain and simple.

Learning the skills to manage your mind and your emotions is a challenge, my friends and I want to teach you how to do it. This is work that will change your life, your relationships, and your career. Join me. Your best life is waiting for you. What are you waiting for?

Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. Carl Jung.