What is people-pleasing and why is it so damn hard to stop?

What Is a People-Pleaser?

In short, a people-pleaser is a person who puts others’ needs ahead of their own, and they do this not wholly from an altruistic place. Rather, people-pleasers are often driven by their own insecurities, and their actions rarely align with their true desires. While people-pleasers may be viewed by others as agreeable, helpful, and kind, people-pleasers often resent their overextended commitments and often feel taken advantage of.

Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser

There are a number of characteristics that people-pleasers tend to share. Some common people-pleasing behaviors include:

You have a difficult time saying “No“

You are preoccupied with what other people might think.

You feel guilty when you do tell people “No”

You fear that turning people down will make them think you are lazy or selfish.

You agree to things you don’t like or do things you don’t want to do.

You want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval.

You’re always telling people you’re sorry.

You take the blame even when something isn’t your fault.

You never have any free time because you are always doing things for other people.

You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.

You pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently.

Did you know that people-pleasers are also highly intuitive? They tend to be good at tuning in to what others are feeling and are generally empathetic, thoughtful, and caring. In part, this is what makes them so good at people-pleasing. But these positive qualities may also come with a poor self-image, a need to take control, or a tendency to overachieve.

Why is it hard to stop?

Our natural survival tendencies are part of the reasons people-pleasing is hard to stop. The primary purpose of your brain is to keep you alive. Both humans and animals have brains that focus on three simple motivations to increase the odds of survival:

Focus #1: Avoid pain

Focus #2: Seek pleasure

Focus #3: Be efficient and conserve your energy

These three tendencies comprise our brain’s motivational triad. The net result is that we are always driving to do things that won’t hurt us, feel good, and require the least amount of effort. These primary motivations are how we have, historically, survived.

We were motivated to hunt, have sex, and seek warm shelter by our desire for pleasure. We stayed vigilant to avoid any potential danger/pain. We didn’t waste energy lifting weights or running just for the fun of it because we were motivated to conserve our energy. (This is why exercise can feel so daunting until you can start being motivated to pursue the resulting endorphins — it’s your brain’s fault, not yours!)

Now that we have evolved into modern society, the motivations of this primitive brain don’t necessarily “fit” into our society. In fact, those parts of our brains can stunt our development —

The desire to avoid pain will result in you avoiding new experiences or potential risks. This is what drives many of us to avoid conflict by people-pleasing. Furthermore, we often people-please because it’s easier and feels better (in the moment) than saying “No” and potentially damaging the relationship. People-pleasing also gives us that temporary endorphin rush that often arises when we feel needed. But as many of us know, those positive effects are short-lived and quickly spiral into overwhelm, frustration, and resentment.

While we are well aware of the negative effects of people-pleasing, why is it so hard to stop? That one is also attributable to your primitive brain and the drive to be efficient.

Given the chance, your brain will stay on autopilot rethinking the same old thoughts and beliefs you have relied on since childhood. All of those beliefs that formed the basis of people-pleasing — “I can’t say no, people will get mad at me, they will stop giving me work, they will think I’m not a team player, I might get fired, they will judge me, they won’t like me…” — will continue to run on autopilot in the background, driving you to continue to show up and act in the same way, continually recreating the same result. In other words, our brain’s desire to remain efficient will continually remind us why we can’t stop people-pleasing. Our brain’s efficient patterns will keep us sticking to those same old beliefs that created this problem from the outset.

Other Reasons We People-Please

In order to stop being a people-pleaser, it’s important to understand some of the reasons why you might be engaging in this kind of behavior. So what else is driving this tendency? There are a number of factors that might play a role, including:

• Low self-esteem: Sometimes people engage in people-pleasing behavior because they don’t value their own desires and needs. This may be due to a lack of self-confidence which drives a need for external validation where we feel that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance.

• Insecurity: In other cases, people might try to please others because they worry that other people won’t like them if they don’t go above and beyond to make them happy.

• Perfectionism: People-pleasers often want others to think and feel about them in a certain way — someone who can do it all seamlessly. That drive for perfection is at odds with setting healthy boundaries and saying “No,” so we fall into a people-pleasing pattern.

• Past experiences: Setting boundaries and using our voices isn’t always well received. If we have painful, difficult, or traumatic experiences around times when we tried to stand up for ourselves, it may also play a role. People who have experienced painful feedback in the past may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering that same behavior in others.

How You Know It’s A Problem

Being kind and altruistic is not necessarily a problem. However, if you are trying to win the approval of others in order to shore up weak self-esteem or if you are pursuing the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being, you are creating a pattern that will only result in self-destruction.

Side effects of people-pleasing include:

• Anger and frustration. Excessive people-pleasing can often leave us feeling taken advantage of and unimportant. We feel like no one seems to care about our wants and needs, which breeds frustration and resentment.

• Depleted willpower. Devoting all of your energy and mental resources toward making sure that others are happy means you are less likely to have the resolve and willpower to tackle your own goals. This tendency can also create a harmful pattern of self-sacrifice or self-neglect where the people-pleaser resists advocating for themselves.

• Lack of authenticity. People-pleasers often hide their own needs and preferences in order to accommodate other people. This makes us feel like we are living a lie — we become disconnected with our own true wants and needs and sometimes forget them entirely. This inauthenticity also breeds its own form of frustration.

• Relationships suffer. When we don’t share our true feelings and needs, it’s difficult for other people to get to know the real you. Vulnerable honesty is important in any close relationship, but it can feel impossible if the relationship is founded upon people-pleasing.

If you find yourself caught up in people-pleasing tendencies, check out the Lawyer Life Podcast episode on People Pleasing to learn how to deconstruct that pattern. If you are ready to dig in and do the work to stop people-pleasing for good, sign up for a free coaching consult to see what we can do together!

But are they really others’ judgement or are they coming from somewhere closer to home?

We’ve all made some big decisions, the kind that can’t be easily unwound. Marriages, divorces, job changes, career changes, kids (or no kids!) etc. During our lives we will make loads of big decisions and with those decisions the same kinds of worries.

What will other people think?

I had this epiphany lately about people’s judgment and it came from a surprising place — my tattoos. Bear with me here, I promise this applies to the real world. I love tattoos. I’ve always loved tattoos and have slowly collected them over the years but within the past few years, I decided to dive headfirst into some big ones — life in my 40s has made me bolder, apparently. After 8 painful hours on the table my newest piece of art was complete. After a few weeks, it was completely healed and a few months later, it was summer and I could finally let it see the sun. Hallelujah!

But as I went through my summer wardrobe ready for my first sunny adventure, I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if I should wear clothing that would reveal it. Who was going to be there? Who would see? What would my in-laws think? Would I see someone from my company? I started to sweat uncomfortably as I contemplated going out in public baring my new skin and I was nervous to be in a bathing suit in front of my friends and family. After all the time (pain!) and money I spent on this, why was I suddenly wanting to hide it?

Because I was terrified that others were going to judge me.

That’s ugly. What a terrible idea. She’s going to regret that. That was dumb.

All of these anticipated judgments danced around in my head and I was hesitant to put myself in a position where others could say them. But I did this for ME, why did I care what anyone else thought?! Because their judgment echoed all the worries and concerns I held myself.

What if I did regret it some day?

What if I ended up hating it?

I had decided to push through those worries and do the damn thing anyway and while I felt resolved in my decision — obviously too late to back out now! — I didn’t want to hear those same things from other people. Those same judgments from others would only make me wonder

What if they’re right? What if I did make a mistake?

It was as if their criticisms would have the power to overwhlem my own resolve and convince me that I had, in fact, made a mistake.

Regardless of the big decision, the patterning is the same — we don’t want to tell people we got a divorce, changed jobs, quit practicing law, or got the tattoo because we don’t want to invite their judgment.

Furthermore, when we do receive those judgments, we allow them to erode our resolve. Their criticisms make us second-guess our own decisions.

Consider this common scenario that I see only about 100 times a week. When we tell someone that we don’t have capacity for more work or a new project and they respond by judging our hours or our workload — You only billed 50 hours last week…you’re not that busy… — we bristle because there is a part of us that wonders if that judgment is right. We allow their criticism to weaken our prior decision to reject more work. We take that criticism and start to wonder if perhaps we aren’t working enough and we should be working more. Their criticism hits a nerve because there is always a part of us that is judging ourselves for not taking on the work. There is a part of us that feels guilty for saying no and their criticism calls to that part of us.

And you know how we “fix” those feelings of guilt and self-judgment? We turn around and say yes to the project and take on more work. We backtrack on our own truth in order to feel better in the short term…and we all know how that one ends.

The foundation of our work in the Lawyer Life Collective is to live authentically. To honor the decisions we have made — good or bad — and to not judge ourselves for them. We commit to having our own back and to not being dissuaded by others and their judgments. Our motto is –

I am committing to being authentically me (AF)!

Any time we worry that we are being judged by others, it is a neon sign showing us our own work. The same goes for when we judge others but that’s a separate puzzle to sort out.

If your worries about others’ judgements are keeping you from honoring yourself, sign up for a free coaching consultation and start taking action to live more authentically!

When we take action, we will rarely feel 100% secure in our decision. Self-doubt is part of being human. Our work is to remain steadfast in our decisions and commit to following through even when others’ judgements echo our own self doubt.

Judgment from others and self-doubt is not a sign that you are doing it wrong, in fact, it may be a sign that you are evolving.

Today, commit to being authentically you even when others judge you. Recognize where others’ judgement bothers you because it echoes the judgments we hold for ourselves. Allow your own self-doubt to go with you on your journey of authenticity, it is part of your humanness and is not an indictment of your decisions. Stay the course!

Where is the line between self-protection and compassion in our relationships?

In thinking about people who are on my life orbit chopping block, I realized that my motivations for cutting people out fall into one of two camps: dislike and avoidance.

Dislike.

Yesterday, I was driving to meet a girlfriend for happy hour. I hadn’t seen her in a few months and I was excited to catch up. Never at any point during the day did I consider cancelling on her. Never at any point did I dread the meeting. As I was driving to meet her, this realization struck me: there are people on my happy hour rotation that I actually dread seeing. People whose meetings I am always tempted to cancel. Why? Because I simply don’t enjoy spending time with them. They are too negative, too dramatic, too harsh, or whatever the issue, I simply do not enjoy spending time with them and I don’t look forward to being around them. I usually spend most of those days dreading the get together and debating whether to cancel.

That was when I realized that there is some benefit to cutting people out. There are some relationships that chronically take more than they give and that require so much energy just to show up for. Relationships that simply don’t feel good. Those relationships are no longer authentic for me — it is unrequited affection and I am perpetuating a falsehood. It’s time for those relationships to conclude. It doesn’t have to mean anything about the other person, we have simply outgrown the enjoyment of the relationship and it’s time to move on.

Avoidance.

In the other camp of people on my chopping block, were those I was wanting to cut out because of something that had happened. Not because I didn’t still love a part of them but because I was stuck in anger about something and the chopping block offered me the easy exit.

The relationships in this camp weren’t people I could necessarily deem toxic or obsessively negative. They were people who had “wronged” me or someone else I cared about and those perceived slights had never been remedied. Rather than preserve any opportunity to bridge the gap by maintaining the relationship, I was tempted to simply bow out. Doing so would be avoiding hard conversations and painful discourse.

These weren’t irredeemable relationships, they were simply relationships that had gotten hard and I was reaching for the easy button.

For those relationships, it simply felt easier to cut them out. It’s easier to avoid seeing these challenging humans than it is to show up and play nicely. Shutting those doors completely is clean and simple and requires very little of me.

For the people in that group, I realized that I can show up in love and compassion without forgiving or condoning what they had done in the past. I can honor the history of the relationship that was worthy and choose instead to see their humanity. To recognize that they may be broken in their own ways that they may be struggling in ways that I don’t understand.

In this camp, writing people off indicates that we are good and they are bad. It implies that we’re better than them. That we would have done things differently, that we would have never acted that way, done those things, or said those things. But this ignores our own humanity! We act in hateful and spiteful ways all the day. We lash out at those around us. And we hurt those who are already hurting. My own impulse was a very human demonstration of that capacity. In reaching for hurt and anger, I wasn’t showing up any better than those people I was wanting to write off. I was perpetuating a cycle of hateful acts.

The greatest blessing our loved ones can bestow upon us is compassion — who are we to withhold the very thing we want others to give freely to us?

For this group, I can instead acknowledge their humanity, I can acknowledge that they have their own challenges and their own path to walk. And that maybe, just maybe, by showing up and offering love and compassion to everyone despite their own shortcomings, I could be an example of what’s possible. That maybe I could demonstrate for them how real relationships are supposed to work — they are yin and yang, good and bad.

Love and compassion do not mean forgiveness. Love and compassion rather mean that we see a bigger picture. That we see more at work than the superficial actions and words of those around us. Love and compassion acknowledge that there is always more below the surface and that in everyone of us there is some good. There is also some hurt. And every day we show up and try to act as best we can and not let hurt and anger steer the course.

“Let our hearts be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

We all struggle with the humans in our lives. If you are grappling with a challenging relationship, I would love to support you and develop a plan of action. Schedule a free consultation now.

Photo by ELEVATE

When I was in my early 20s, I moved to Washington, DC to work for a boutique law firm. While there, my direct supervisors were from New York City. A farm girl from Iowa was quite the novelty in my little office and I was often chided for my “Mid-west Nice” attitude. After that excursion, my next legal job took me to national law firm in the Midwest. There my supervisor was another New Yorker and once again my Midwest Nice was met with ire. At first their criticism of my midwestern attitude bothered me–after all, I was just being polite and what was wrong with that?! Over time, I realized that what they were criticizing wasn’t midwestern civility. What they saw instead was an insecure young attorney who was afraid to make waves: who was afraid to be honest for fear of upsetting others. What they saw was people-pleasing disguised as good manners.

People pleasing tendencies. We’ve all got them. It may seem like simple Midwest Nice but at it’s core, people-pleasing is rooted in deception. When we put the needs and feelings of others before our own, we relegate our truth. We relegate our voices and we implicitly acknowledge that we are less important that those we are desperately trying to please.

My own lady lawyer coach recently blew my mind.

She said, “Frustration is often a sign of an unfulfilled intention.”

Whenever we are feeling frustrated it’s usually because we have stifled our truths and we aren’t showing up authentically or in the ways that we truly want to show up. We are frustrated because, for whatever reason, we feel like we are being inhibited in our ability to be honest.

For instance, when we are frustrated that we have more work than we want, at it’s core is frustration with ourselves for not protecting our capacity and being honest — because we really wanted to say, Absolutely not, I cannot do that project, I have more work than I need right now. We ignore our genuine intention of standing up for ourselves and being honest and that drives our frustration.

When we are frustrated with the people in our lives, the reason that frustration flourishes is because we aren’t taking authentic action to overcome it — instead of having a real conversation with the source of our frustration, we just rant and rave. We ignore our intention to have open, honest relationships with the people in our lives. When we stifle that true intention, if fuels the fires of frustration.

When we are frustrated after conversations with our supervisors, it’s often because there are things we wanted to say but didn’t. Truths we left hidden because we were afraid to bare them.

When we get frustrated with our parents, it’s easy to spin in anger over years of unspoken exasperations from the past. All the things we have wanted to say, all the hurts we wanted to address but never did. All those intentions left unanswered.

Frustration is often a sign that we are people pleasing: that we are not living in alignment with our intentions. It’s uncomfortable to be open and honest and give air to our true intentions.

But it’s also uncomfortable to live inauthentically — to live in frustration. It’s exhausting!

Besides, the truth always makes itself known.

When we people please, we trade our truths for immediate but temporary gratification. That frustrated, unlived intention will fester below the surface and eventually make itself known–except usually by that point the frustration has evolved from a rumble to a cataclysmic event. Enter the rage quit/breakup/meltdown/epic battle where all those past hurts and unspoken intentions come tumbling out.

In order to have real, lasting relationships we must invest in authenticity and allow those around us to know the real us.

If you are frustrated with your job, your career, or your relationships, or if you are challenged to overcome your own people-pleasing tendencies, you are not alone! I would love the opportunity to support you in the same way I support my clients. Schedule a free consultation today.

When you feel yourself being tempted to please others in a manner that is not consistent with your truth, choose instead to have your own back. To honor your deepest intentions.

Choose instead to have real, authentic relationships with everyone in your life. Like everything else, relationships are yin and yang — the other person can’t always have all the power, it will shift. Relationships can’t always be calm waters. When we people please to try and avoid the 50/50 of life, we only delay the inevitable. In doing so we diminish our own value and degrade our own truths.

Real relationships will require you to use your voice and have your own back when it comes to your own wants and needs. Anything else is a just a pretty dictatorship and you are playing the court jester.

Photo by Brett Jordan

As attorneys, we are hired to advocate for our clients–why do we struggle to advocate for ourselves?

During our lives…

We learn to walk.

We learn to ride bicycles.

We learn to cook for ourselves.

We learn how to navigate new cities.

Our lives contain so many examples of how we have overcome failure to learn new things. Babies fall repeatedly as they learn how to walk. We all had a few bumps and bruises as we learn how to ride a bike without training wheels. I conducted numerous pathetic and indigestible kitchen experiments whilst learning how to cook like my mom. I nearly died the first time I drove in a big city.

When I was in high school, I moved to the state capital to work as a page in the House of Representatives. It was the first time I had lived on my own and the first time I had to learn how to navigate a big city. I remember the first few times I made a wrong turn onto downtown one way streets. Where I came from, we didn’t have one way streets! We barely even had stoplights! I wasn’t used to paying attention to those things and I quickly learned all the new rules that come with inner city driving. I didn’t give up and decide living in the city wasn’t for me. I just did it. I kept trying and learning and not letting the fear about dying in a fiery car crash keep me stuck.

But isn’t everything else in life the same way?

I often find that my clients want to stand up for themselves and advocate for what they want–better balance, more flexibility, different work, a different supervisor, etc. They struggle to work up the courage to show up and ask for what they want because it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s because they’ve had bad experiences in the past where their honest requests were met with criticism. Whatever the case may be, they struggle with the discomfort of not being good at using their voice in an authentic and vulnerable way.

What we fail to see is that we are not going to be “good” at using our voices right out of the gate.

We are going to make some wrong turns and have some experiences that might feel like driving into oncoming traffic. But that doesn’t mean we have failed. It simply means we are learning something new.

Today, commit to using your voice in a way that is authentic to you–ask for what you want, say what you mean, say “no” when you want to.

It’s not going to feel good.

You’re going to be uncomfortable.

With practice, it will get easier.

Allow yourself opportunities to learn and fine tune that skill so that in the future, when it really matters, you won’t hesitate because it will be as natural as riding a bike (or navigating one way streets).

One of the things I do with my clients is develop a plan and strategize around asking for what they want. We experiment and practice with different methods until we find an approach that works best for them. If you struggle to say “no” or ask for what you really want, invest in developing that talent. Work with me and start living in your voice (schedule a free consultation now and reconnect with your voice and your power).

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

I got in the habit of ignoring most of his calls unless I had the time or was in a good space to chat with him. I would often send him brief follow-up emails —

Saw I missed your call, I’m tied up for most of the day but if you send me a note, I can get back to you between meetings.

Which is really code for: If you’re calling just to chat, I’m busy. If you’re calling for legal support, I’m available. Even when I ignored his calls, I was irritated and distracted afterwards — Why does he DO THAT?! I’m not his buddy, I’m his lawyer!! (But dealing with the peccadillos of other humans is another challenge I had to sort out later on. Another story for another time.)

I didn’t ignore his calls and incessant messaging because I didn’t like him, it was because the calls were unnecessary and inefficient. They interrupted whatever else I was working on and they didn’t further our primary goal which was to GET THE JOB DONE. Usually, he was just calling to vent or talk through something. He liked to work through things verbally. As an introvert, I do not. I believed strongly that by screening his calls, I was allowing myself the opportunity to do a better job than I would if I allowed myself to be constantly interrupted.

After a while, I started to feel guilty about constantly putting him off. My brain was badgering me: He is going to get upset with you…He is going to think you don’t care…He is going to complain about your service…He’s going to say you are always unavailable.

One day, I gave in to those nagging thoughts.

He called me. I declined the call. Then he IM’d me about 5 minutes prior to my next meeting: Give me a call when you have a second. I decided to call him. No, rather, I concluded that I should call him. So, I called him. I called him because I believed that I should and I was irritated about it. When he answered, I instantly regretted it. I was not engaged; I was defensive, abrupt, and annoyed. It was evident. After the call, I felt terrible. I was everything that I was trying not to be in that relationship!

After thinking through the exchange, I realized that acting from “should” never yields me the results that I want. Forcing myself to do things when I’m not in the right mindset, when I’m feeling rushed, or when I’m acting from a negative emotion, never drives me to act in a way that I’m proud of.

Instead, I choose to believe that no one is going to fire me for being busy and I can ask people to interact with me in a way that is most effective and efficient for me (boundaries, anyone?). People might not like this approach and people might get frustrated but I am committed to being available in a manner that allows me to show up at my best and I would rather have people frustrated with my communication approach than be frustrated with me for being a jerk.

I choose to believe that I never have to answer a call if I don’t want to.

I choose to act when I want to and not because I believe I HAVE to.

I choose not to concede my schedule and my time to anyone other than myself.

Feel like your days are at the mercy of someone else? Schedule a free consult and get support to set (and execute) better boundaries.

I anticipated the possibility that he might be put off by this approach so I scheduled regular, brief check-in meetings that provided him an opportunity to talk about whatever was moving him that day and I could anticipate that interruption. After the project concluded, the client raved to everyone in the company and at my firm about our partnership. That’s how it is supposed to work, he told everyone. Not because I was at his beck and call 24/7 but because I put in the work to show up as my best in that relationship despite my discomfort and nagging worries.

It’s not about pushing people away. It’s about honoring yourself and your needs.

It’s about being committed enough to the relationship to be honest in the moment — no, I don’t want to talk right now — so that you can show up as your best in that relationship. It’s about being so committed to the relationship that you are willing to do something unpopular. In the end, it’s about being willing to be your authentic self in all of your relationships and letting go of any other notion of how you are “supposed” to act in relationships.

In sum, when we show up authentically, relationships flourish.

Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels

My girlfriend texted our friend group this morning to talk about an issue going on with her daughter. Her daughter was on the bus home from school and the bus driver and another child were apparently in a Russian standoff with the boy refusing to sit down and the bus driver refusing to drive until he did so. As the minutes drug on, my friend’s lovely and slight little girl, asked the boy if he would please sit down because she wanted to get home. And then he turned to her and punched her in the face. By the time, my friend’s beautiful little girl got home, she was in tears and told her mom what had happened all the while insisting that her mom not do anything about it because she didn’t want to get into trouble.

My friend was reaching out to us for our thoughts on what she should do. While we were all in agreement that something must be done, we were in agreement for a variety of different reasons. One of us wanted to know about the school’s rules and policies for this type of behavior. Was there some type of structure in place to track and monitor this type of behavior like a 3 strike rule, for instance, that would ultimately remove this child from the bus (or school) if the behavior continued? Another of us suggested a meeting with the principal to ensure that the child was removed from the bus. For me, I couldn’t help but wonder what was going on in the life of this child that he would physically assault another, much smaller child, and go to such lengths for something so minimal? What kind of a disservice would it be to the child if this wasn’t reported. Maybe this was a cry for help? Even if not, it seems that this is something that would warrant additional follow-up and concern for that child–was he simply repeating what he sees at home?

As I thought about my friend’s daughter and her pleas to let it go and not make a big fuss over it, I felt myself relating to that sentiment in so many ways. Why is it that we often ignore the wrongdoings of others because we don’t want to “get into trouble”? Or because we don’t want to make it a big deal? How many times have we allowed someone to take advantage of us without telling them that is how we feel? Or watched someone act cruelly to another without saying something? To be clear, I don’t believe that saying something is likely going to “change” the offensive actor, in fact, I think that is highly unlikely. But what kind of message does it send to the victim when we don’t act? When we don’t say anything?

Could our willingness to call out bad actors inspire the victims to act, to leave, to stand up for themselves?

Could our willingness to call out abuse when we see it, communicate to the victim that it doesn’t have to be this way? Could it affirm for them that it’s not okay and there are strangers who might care more for you than that person?

What an amazing opportunity to teach a child that, yes, speaking up is scary and yes, the world isn’t perfect and it might make things worse or harder for you by being honest. But your honesty, your truth and your respect for yourself and identifying what is okay and not okay, THAT is gold.

Honoring your truth and your experience and calling out bad actors even when it might cause you some discomfort or fear is what this life is all about.

Trusting your value and using your voice to establish your boundaries is a lesson most of us spend our lives trying to learn. What kind of a world would we have if children started learning these lessons right away? What impact would that have on the bullying epidemic? What kind of future leaders would we have if everyone learned from a young age to call out inequities and seek justice, whatever the cost?

What type of world we would have if we as adults were able to channel that power and voice our objections to racism, sexism, and cruelty that we encounter every day?!

When I was engrossed in an abusive marriage, I was meeting with one of my close friends and sharing some of my struggles with her. She looked me right in the eyes and baldly said, “You need to divorce him.” She didn’t try to soften it. She didn’t explain. She was unwilling to pretend it was going to get better. She didn’t lie to me and tell me she trusted him or believed in my safety. She risked our friendship to tell me the truth. The truth that I need to hear. I felt seen and my struggles felt validated. That was a huge turning point for me in deciding to leave and I will forever be grateful to her for her honesty.

Insidious things are a part of our world because we let them be a part of our world.

We. Let. Them. Exist.

That is a choice we make every day, several times a day, every day of our lives. Today I am inspired by the lesson my friend is imparting upon her little girl. Today I will strive to be the best and most honest version of myself. I will speak up when I see things that are hurtful or cruel. I will speak up, not because I want to change anyone but because I want to be an example to others of what is possible in this world. And what is possible is a world where people support and love one another, including those we don’t even know and will not sit by and passively watch as others are harmed and taken advantage.

If you see something say something.

Photo by Ben Wicks on Unsplash

Have you ever had that moment when your dramatic rant is abruptly halted by someone suggesting that the problem might just be YOU?

Blasphemy!

When we’re accustomed to dripping in negativity about our bosses or our jobs, it is jarring and somewhat offensive when someone suddenly stops playing along in favor of some new perspective.

It’s like that group of single girlfriends that spends every Saturday night together bashing their love interests and blaming them for their lack of happiness and then one night, one of the friends interjects, “What if the problem is us, not them?” Battle lines are suddenly drawn. The mere suggestion that the group perception of reality is skewed and subtly suggesting that they are co-creators of their imperfect reality, is blasphemous. It challenges the very foundation of their friendship and their understanding of who they are in their worldview.

Although the pursuit of a career is not the same as the pursuit of a meaningful relationship, our tendency to fall into certain patterns remains constant, no matter the circumstances. Our tendency to see ourselves as the victim and others as the villain is commonplace and often pervasive in professional environments. Overgeneralizations about dating like “all men/women are dogs” turn into “my boss completely ignores me.” In either case, we are playing a role in what Stephen Karpman calls the “drama triangle.”

Karpman’s drama triangle examines the connection between personal relationships and power in conflicts. The triangle identifies three characters that play a role in conflicts: the persecutor, the rescuer, and the victim. The victim is the primary character who interacts with the persecutor whom the victim blames for their suffering. Then, there is the rescuer who periodically steps in to try and alleviate the victim’s suffering.

In the complicated world of practicing law, I often see my clients vacillating between the victim role and the rescuer.

In the former scenario, their partners/clients/bosses are the persecutor and in the latter, they become the rescuer to the poor planning/demands/needs of their persecutor. 

In one role, we are angry and suffering in our victimhood, and in the other, we are energized by our action as we imagine that our rescuing will “mend” the relationship with our persecutors.

On the one hand, we blame the persecutors for our experiences but then we shift to rescuers, aiming to please our persecutors and seeking some kernel of appreciation from our villains. The dynamic is incredibly toxic and co-dependent and many women that I work with feel compelled to seek out that positive feedback from their persecutors. They spend their entire career aiming to please the seemingly impossible to please persecutors–they are perpetually “rescuing” others in hopes that their value will one day be recognized.

The solution to the drama triangle is the empowerment dynamic developed by David Emerald Womeldorff. The empowerment dynamic asks the victim to take ownership of their lives. To creatively solution their problems and start focusing on what they want and what they can control. Similarly, the rescuer shifts to a coaching role where the codependency is broken and they offer detached support, no longer making the victim’s problems their own These shifts are the only solution to the drama triangle.

In either case, resolution of the drama triangle requires us to take ownership of what is ours and let others take ownership for what is their own. Period.

I work with women every day to recognize the roles they play in the power dynamics of their careers. My work supports women to take back their power and take control over their careers. We may not be able to fix the difficult personalities attendant to practicing law but we can stop blaming them for our unhappiness; we can take control and start taking active steps to create the life we want, the life we deserve.

The goal isn’t to find a perfect workplace, the goal is to do our best to make it work; to actively invest in our own happiness, and stop giving them all the control. Your happiness is worth it.

Sign up for a free consultation today and get the support you need to live empowered and escape the drama. 

Photo by Annie Gavin on Unsplash