Clarity first.

First and foremost, when we embark on this journey, we have to get very clear on what you want. I discuss this topic at length in various other articles but the point is worth repeating here: make sure that you are not running away from a problem that is simply going to follow you wherever you take your career. To do this, we ask why you want to leave your practice and then consider:

• Is that reason strong enough to push you through the highs and lows that will inevitably come when you strike out on your own?

If you’re not clear on this point, one simple experiment can help elucidate this. Spend a month carefully analyzing your every day experiences. Commit to devoting one month of your life to thoughtfully examining every high and every low — at work and out of work. The goal is to figure out what types of activities, environments, tasks, people, spark joy for you and which ones rob you of energy and motivation. Consider the following prompts:

• Were there parts of your day that filled you up and excited you? Why?
• Were there things that you were doing that sparked joy or put you in a flow state? Why?
• What parts of your day drained your energy? Why?
• What parts of your day energized you? Why?
• What parts of your day made it difficult for you to engage with the activity at hand? Why?
• What activities made it difficult for you to stay engaged? Why?

Working through this kind of an examination will help you get clear on the parts of your life/career that are sapping your energy or are no longer engaging. This kind of an examination may provide a simple road map for adjustments that can be made to find more happiness and fulfillment in your existing state. You might be surprised at the parts of your day that got you into a flow state. You might even start to notice patterns that could help you re-design your practice to include more of those things, no exit required.

In contrast, this experiment may provide a wake up call. If you find that your work life rarely provides activities that energize you, excite you, or put you into a flow state, it’s likely that small adjustments will not resolve the issue and a pivot may be in order.

When I conducted this analysis myself what I realized was a bit startling. I no longer felt energized by the area of law or the challenges presented to me on a daily basis. I felt disconnected from their import and found it difficult to drum up the energy to be engaged with the work. I was bogged down in meetings and interactions that no longer felt meaningful for me and took more energy than they gave. I had limited opportunities to participate in the type of activities that brought me into a flow state and energized me. In short 99% of my days were filled with projects, topics, and interactions that not only failed to engage my mind but left me feeling drained. I felt like I wasn’t working very hard but I was EXHAUSTED every day because every task was draining me (because it was a bad fit).  A further examination of the things outside of work that did put me into a flow state and energized me helped me to set the stage for my pivot.

Money second.

Second, get clear on your finances. This is the most significant impediment you will run into that will keep you from taking the leap. Spending time here will help you be brave and know how much runway you have to make it happen. Consider primarily, how much does it cost you to live for one month right now?

If you don’t know the answer to that question, making any dramatic change to your life where your income may suddenly be uncertain should be out of the question. In order to give space to what we want to build and the life that we want to create we have to allow that endeavor the freedom to breathe and grow absent the pressure that it also support you and replace your income on Day One. While it may seem obvious, many of the women that I talk to don’t know where their money goes on a daily basis. They don’t have clarity around their miscellaneous expenses that could be easily cut and they are not clear on the amount of pretax money that would be needed to support their after tax lifestyle.

Without this information, it is difficult to imagine that a pivot is possible and we relinquish our power to those lovely golden handcuffs. Once we know our bare minimum expenses and our cushion expenses we can get a sense of how much money we need to save to protect this Great Baby Dream that we are growing.

For me, I knew that not only did I have fixed expenses that I needed to save for but I also had a lifestyle that I was not willing to let go of while I was making the pivot. This meant that my savings projection for the pivot needed to include ample amounts of cash for travel and fun money. I wasn’t willing to make the pivot and live like an aesthete – I knew that would kill my spirit and make it more difficult for me to enjoy this time and embrace the journey.

Time to Plan.

Third, develop a detailed plan. This may seem obvious but it’s more subtle than you’d think. The most difficult part about leaving a formal job is that the options suddenly available to you are endless as well as the projects and tasks that you want to accomplish. Suddenly we are drowning in dreams, goals, to-dos, and possibilities. Develop a clear plan addressing the most important items first. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by all of the things that you want to do in this new creative space where you now have an abundance of time. But suddenly those distractions and fleeting desires and experiments can overrun you and make it difficult to make any real progress on the goal. We have to exercise restraint and constrain our focus to ensure that we give the dream the most ample opportunity to succeed. This may mean deciding which areas of your dream to focus on in the short term and planning to attend to the others later on and sticking to it.

When I started my pivot, two of the things I knew I wanted to tackle right out of the gate were to get my podcast up and running and finalize my book draft for a final round of editing. For the first several months after leaving my formal legal practice, I focused exclusively on those items and let everything else go. That’s not to say the moment I quit the job I wasn’t excited to start preparing online courses, start doing mail marketing, hone my video editing skills, hosting webinars, and start pursuing speaking engagements at law firms…I wanted to do all of those things and I wanted to do all of them yesterday! But I had to carefully choose where I would be focusing my time each week and to lean HEAVILY my calendar and daily schedule that reflected my bigger plan. It’s painful to constrain portions of your dream when you finally have the flexibility and ability to bring it out into the light but you must do this or risk sabotaging your dream before you’ve even gotten two steps out the door.

A New Me!

Fourth, embrace a new identity. This is a big one and it’s a painful one. I hear this all the time: I’m not sure who I am if I’m not a lawyer…can I still call myself a lawyer…are people going to judge me?

Who are we if we’re not practicing lawyers? How would we describe ourselves to other people? Can we still call ourselves lawyers? All of these questions are important to tackle because they will impact your ability to promote your new endeavor, to speak confidently about it, and believe in its efficacy.

If we don’t have a clear sense of our new identity and who we are in this space we will always be looking backwards to the identity that we left behind and wondering if that version of ourselves is the truer one. Perhaps this should be our first step in making the pivot but wherever you tackle it make sure that you give it the time and attention it deserves. Part of our job in building a new business is getting out there and meeting people, telling them who you are, what you do, and what problem you can solve for them. If we’re having those conversations and still believing that we should be attorneys and that that identity is more important than the identity that we are building, we have failed before we’ve even begun. We must find a place for our new identity and our new path to merge and coexist with our identity as attorneys. And that might just mean no longer sharing with people, I’m an attorney, but letting that be something that potentially comes out later, if at all, and being OK with that.

Protect Your Identity

Last and this is one that I get a lot of challenge on but I maintain its importance: be thoughtful who you share your dream with. Not everyone in your orbit is responsible enough to be trusted with your dream in its infancy. It’s not about hiding your new identity and it’s not about being shameful for the path that you’ve chosen, it’s about putting yourself in the best position to believe that it’s possible. The people in your life that have known you all of this time will always think of you as that attorney. They have their preconceived notions about who you are and what you’re capable of based upon your prior path. It’s possible that this new identity and this new adventure will contradict everything they thought they knew about you and cause some dissonance for them that will ultimately come out of their mouth at you. That is not going to be helpful for you in this journey and embracing your new identity.

In time you can share this endeavor with everyone in your orbit but at its infancy, be thoughtful and careful who you let in on your dream in order to protect yourself and your dream as it grows. Once you have gotten comfortable with the new identity and it starts to feel like the real you, then you can wear in out into the public in front of everyone who might challenge it and it won’t matter as much because you will have fostered your own belief in its rightness. Their criticism will then only strengthen you instead of making you second guess yourself.

If you are looking to make a pivot in your career, I would love to meet you and hear about your plans. I know first hand how challenging and lonely it can be and I am so thankful for every opportunity that I have to lend support to other brave women making their own way!

Where is the line between self-protection and compassion in our relationships?

In thinking about people who are on my life orbit chopping block, I realized that my motivations for cutting people out fall into one of two camps: dislike and avoidance.

Dislike.

Yesterday, I was driving to meet a girlfriend for happy hour. I hadn’t seen her in a few months and I was excited to catch up. Never at any point during the day did I consider cancelling on her. Never at any point did I dread the meeting. As I was driving to meet her, this realization struck me: there are people on my happy hour rotation that I actually dread seeing. People whose meetings I am always tempted to cancel. Why? Because I simply don’t enjoy spending time with them. They are too negative, too dramatic, too harsh, or whatever the issue, I simply do not enjoy spending time with them and I don’t look forward to being around them. I usually spend most of those days dreading the get together and debating whether to cancel.

That was when I realized that there is some benefit to cutting people out. There are some relationships that chronically take more than they give and that require so much energy just to show up for. Relationships that simply don’t feel good. Those relationships are no longer authentic for me — it is unrequited affection and I am perpetuating a falsehood. It’s time for those relationships to conclude. It doesn’t have to mean anything about the other person, we have simply outgrown the enjoyment of the relationship and it’s time to move on.

Avoidance.

In the other camp of people on my chopping block, were those I was wanting to cut out because of something that had happened. Not because I didn’t still love a part of them but because I was stuck in anger about something and the chopping block offered me the easy exit.

The relationships in this camp weren’t people I could necessarily deem toxic or obsessively negative. They were people who had “wronged” me or someone else I cared about and those perceived slights had never been remedied. Rather than preserve any opportunity to bridge the gap by maintaining the relationship, I was tempted to simply bow out. Doing so would be avoiding hard conversations and painful discourse.

These weren’t irredeemable relationships, they were simply relationships that had gotten hard and I was reaching for the easy button.

For those relationships, it simply felt easier to cut them out. It’s easier to avoid seeing these challenging humans than it is to show up and play nicely. Shutting those doors completely is clean and simple and requires very little of me.

For the people in that group, I realized that I can show up in love and compassion without forgiving or condoning what they had done in the past. I can honor the history of the relationship that was worthy and choose instead to see their humanity. To recognize that they may be broken in their own ways that they may be struggling in ways that I don’t understand.

In this camp, writing people off indicates that we are good and they are bad. It implies that we’re better than them. That we would have done things differently, that we would have never acted that way, done those things, or said those things. But this ignores our own humanity! We act in hateful and spiteful ways all the day. We lash out at those around us. And we hurt those who are already hurting. My own impulse was a very human demonstration of that capacity. In reaching for hurt and anger, I wasn’t showing up any better than those people I was wanting to write off. I was perpetuating a cycle of hateful acts.

The greatest blessing our loved ones can bestow upon us is compassion — who are we to withhold the very thing we want others to give freely to us?

For this group, I can instead acknowledge their humanity, I can acknowledge that they have their own challenges and their own path to walk. And that maybe, just maybe, by showing up and offering love and compassion to everyone despite their own shortcomings, I could be an example of what’s possible. That maybe I could demonstrate for them how real relationships are supposed to work — they are yin and yang, good and bad.

Love and compassion do not mean forgiveness. Love and compassion rather mean that we see a bigger picture. That we see more at work than the superficial actions and words of those around us. Love and compassion acknowledge that there is always more below the surface and that in everyone of us there is some good. There is also some hurt. And every day we show up and try to act as best we can and not let hurt and anger steer the course.

“Let our hearts be stretched out in compassion toward others, for everyone is walking his or her own difficult path.” Dieter F. Uchtdorf

We all struggle with the humans in our lives. If you are grappling with a challenging relationship, I would love to support you and develop a plan of action. Schedule a free consultation now.

Photo by ELEVATE

When I was in my early 20s, I moved to Washington, DC to work for a boutique law firm. While there, my direct supervisors were from New York City. A farm girl from Iowa was quite the novelty in my little office and I was often chided for my “Mid-west Nice” attitude. After that excursion, my next legal job took me to national law firm in the Midwest. There my supervisor was another New Yorker and once again my Midwest Nice was met with ire. At first their criticism of my midwestern attitude bothered me–after all, I was just being polite and what was wrong with that?! Over time, I realized that what they were criticizing wasn’t midwestern civility. What they saw instead was an insecure young attorney who was afraid to make waves: who was afraid to be honest for fear of upsetting others. What they saw was people-pleasing disguised as good manners.

People pleasing tendencies. We’ve all got them. It may seem like simple Midwest Nice but at it’s core, people-pleasing is rooted in deception. When we put the needs and feelings of others before our own, we relegate our truth. We relegate our voices and we implicitly acknowledge that we are less important that those we are desperately trying to please.

My own lady lawyer coach recently blew my mind.

She said, “Frustration is often a sign of an unfulfilled intention.”

Whenever we are feeling frustrated it’s usually because we have stifled our truths and we aren’t showing up authentically or in the ways that we truly want to show up. We are frustrated because, for whatever reason, we feel like we are being inhibited in our ability to be honest.

For instance, when we are frustrated that we have more work than we want, at it’s core is frustration with ourselves for not protecting our capacity and being honest — because we really wanted to say, Absolutely not, I cannot do that project, I have more work than I need right now. We ignore our genuine intention of standing up for ourselves and being honest and that drives our frustration.

When we are frustrated with the people in our lives, the reason that frustration flourishes is because we aren’t taking authentic action to overcome it — instead of having a real conversation with the source of our frustration, we just rant and rave. We ignore our intention to have open, honest relationships with the people in our lives. When we stifle that true intention, if fuels the fires of frustration.

When we are frustrated after conversations with our supervisors, it’s often because there are things we wanted to say but didn’t. Truths we left hidden because we were afraid to bare them.

When we get frustrated with our parents, it’s easy to spin in anger over years of unspoken exasperations from the past. All the things we have wanted to say, all the hurts we wanted to address but never did. All those intentions left unanswered.

Frustration is often a sign that we are people pleasing: that we are not living in alignment with our intentions. It’s uncomfortable to be open and honest and give air to our true intentions.

But it’s also uncomfortable to live inauthentically — to live in frustration. It’s exhausting!

Besides, the truth always makes itself known.

When we people please, we trade our truths for immediate but temporary gratification. That frustrated, unlived intention will fester below the surface and eventually make itself known–except usually by that point the frustration has evolved from a rumble to a cataclysmic event. Enter the rage quit/breakup/meltdown/epic battle where all those past hurts and unspoken intentions come tumbling out.

In order to have real, lasting relationships we must invest in authenticity and allow those around us to know the real us.

If you are frustrated with your job, your career, or your relationships, or if you are challenged to overcome your own people-pleasing tendencies, you are not alone! I would love the opportunity to support you in the same way I support my clients. Schedule a free consultation today.

When you feel yourself being tempted to please others in a manner that is not consistent with your truth, choose instead to have your own back. To honor your deepest intentions.

Choose instead to have real, authentic relationships with everyone in your life. Like everything else, relationships are yin and yang — the other person can’t always have all the power, it will shift. Relationships can’t always be calm waters. When we people please to try and avoid the 50/50 of life, we only delay the inevitable. In doing so we diminish our own value and degrade our own truths.

Real relationships will require you to use your voice and have your own back when it comes to your own wants and needs. Anything else is a just a pretty dictatorship and you are playing the court jester.

Photo by Brett Jordan

It must be the month for difficult conversations. Lately, many of my clients have been working with me to navigate challenging discussions–how to ask for a raise, how to negotiate for a new position, how to set boundaries with family. As we navigate those difficult discussions, a common theme often occurs: these conversations are painful because we are worried about what the other person is going to think about us.

In difficult conversations, we are being vulnerable and expressing our truth and we want the other person to receive it as such, which an open mind and an open heart.

We don’t want to be judged for our truths.

This gets further complicated because we know we cannot control what other person thinks about us but yet we strive to craft a conversation that will perfectly impress upon the other person our position. We agonize over our story, trying to perfectly prepare the discussion. This is an exercise in futility. You have no control over how they will receive you (or if they will even listen to you!). So what can we do to alleviate those worries?

We own our worries and allow them to become part of our truth.

For example, when asking for a raise, one of the concerns is that we are going to be seen as greedy, ungrateful, or threatening to leave. Our minds become filled with those worries and judgments so much so that we sometimes talk ourselves out of the conversation entirely. What if instead of allowing those worries to drive us away from the conversation, those worries became part of the conversation? Instead of letting that frantic energy run amok during the discussion, we simply own those thoughts and air them out:

In thinking about this conversation, I want to make sure that you understand how grateful I am for the opportunities you have given me, I think it’s really important for women to negotiate their pay and I just want to explore this with you to see where there is room to move. I’m not planning to leave but I just want to better understand the rationale behind my current compensation.

Difficult conversations are essential to our growth and success. If you have a difficult conversation on the horizon, consider gifting yourself a coaching session so that we can fine tune your strategy and put you in the best position for that conversation. It all starts with a free consult.

For every nagging worry, every fearful thought about what they might be thinking about us in those moments, we just own them and air them. We call them out so that everyone has the opportunity to make their own decisions about those worries. Rather than letting a prospective employer think that you are asking for more money because you are greedy, you can own that in the moment and let them know your rationale for asking and confirm that you aren’t simply being greedy, you could even say that explicitly:

I find these conversations really difficult because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m greedy or over-reaching. It’s not about the money; it’s about being valued for my contributions and feeling like those contributions are recognized.

If the worry is bothering you and making the conversation more difficult, find a way to bring it into the discussion.

These conversations are intended to provide truth and clarity for all parties, don’t hold back on parts of your truth (psst, your worries and concerns are part of your truth too).

When we don’t own those worries outright as part of the discussion, they boil beneath the surface and our conversation becomes a chess match--what I can say so that they don’t think XYZ?…OMG, what if they think that means I don’t want the job?!–and we start trying to craft our responses and commentary to “control” their thinking. We end up acting weird and manipulative and can get disconnected from the moment.  Instead, when we simply air those worries, we provide ourselves the best opportunity to provide our side of the story. And, bonus, it alleviates some of that nervous energy because we release it!

In the end, you won’t ever control others’ thinking but you can at least endeavor to provide your full side of the story and attempt to address any perceived concerns (or judgements) they might have. Whatever they might make the conversation mean, you will at least be able to walk away knowing that you spoke your truth, your FULL truth.

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

In this particular circumstance, we were discussing a friend whose only contribution to the group had been decades of chaos and destruction. As we lamented the other person’s (obvious) shortcomings, I found myself slipping into a black and white position. I found myself saying that I will never forgive her and I will never move past what has happened.

Later on, I found myself reflecting on this discussion and asking myself whether that positioning was consistent with who I truly wanted to be. Was there a better way to deal with our challenging friend than to simply write her off?

As part of this exploration I started asking myself why I was closing the door on the relationship. I realized that I no longer wanted to give her the gift of my love, compassion, and friendship.

I believed that if I forgave her and loved her despite the past, I would be condoning her past actions and giving her more than she deserved.

I felt righteous in my conclusion and unmoving in my resolve. The idea of showing up with this person in anything other than a suit of armor seemed unfathomable. Give them my heart? No thanks, hippee, move along.

In my deliberations, my mind began to wander and I started to fantasize about an epic showdown with this person, where I would undoubtedly leave them speechless with my righteous and cutting oration! I was fully consumed in an indignant hypothetical battle.

I sat there in silence for quite some time, observing my thoughts and my physical responses. Making note of where my mind ran off to. At the conclusion of it all, I felt terrible. There I was, sitting alone with myself, fists and jaw clenched, poised for a battle that was not coming. I felt miserable and bitter.

Nothing had happened. I haven’t spoken to this person in years and there’s no prospect that I will see her anytime soon. In that very moment, I did not know with certainty what she was doing or how she was feeling but what I did know with absolute certainty was that I was feeling lousy and I wanted to lash out at somebody.

What was this anger getting me?

Absolutely, freaking nothing.

(Okay, it actually just made me more angry and all rage spiral-y.)

Why was I so resistant to showing up with love and compassion for this person? Because I didn’t want her to feel that love and compassion. I didn’t want her to benefit from my willingness to be the “bigger person.”

But that theory and that logic contradicts everything that I stand for. It presumes that I am actually capable of making her feel any particular way and vice versa.

I know that when we show up in love and compassion for other people whether they feel that love and compassion as well is completely outside of our control. They may even receive that compassion with complete disdain and disregard. They may not trust it, they may not believe me, and they may not care how I show up for them. But the critical point here is that when we show up in compassion you feel it. You are the only one who benefits from showing up in that way. So why do we show up in love and compassion for people? Because it feels good FOR US. Because it feels so much better than how I was currently feeling.

Instead of sitting alone in a mental ju jitsu match, clenching my fists and grinding my teeth, I could have been experiencing compassion in that moment. My choice to be angry wasn’t punishing this person who was oblivious and miles and miles away. I was only punishing myself.

“Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.” Thomas Merton

Choosing compassion instead of white hot rage didn’t mean that I forgave her. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t hurt by her actions. It simply meant that I wasn’t going to dwell on it and be a victim to it. I was going to focus on how to show up in a compassionate manner. I was going to try and see her good qualities just as much as I saw her bad ones. I was going to contemplate clear boundaries with her and give her space to be whomever she wants to be. I was going to stop wishing and hoping she was something different than she was. I was just going to let her be her and stop trying to change her. Not because it gets her anything but because it gets me everything.

Do you have a challenging human in your life that you are tempted to cut out? Is it possible that this person is in your life to teach you something about yourself? Sign up for a free consult and let’s see if there’s another way — a way to evolve.

Look, See, Tell the Truth, Take Authentic Action

LOOK & SEE

It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day demands of life. Our jobs, our families, our sanity peace of mind, our obligations, all scream for attention as we rush around putting out fires all the live long day. We get into a routine. We get used to the chaos. We know what must be done to keep everything moving forward.

But when was the last time you took at hard look at all those activities? Do you have a clear grasp of where all of your time goes everyday and what is drawing upon your energy?

When we operate on auto-pilot, we forego any opportunity for honest self-examination. Absent that, transformation is an impossibility. It is only when we take a hard look at our lives that we are able to ask–is this what I’m really wanting? What’s really going on here?

TELL THE TRUTH

This is where having an unbiased third party like a coach can be invaluable. It’s easy to tell yourself:

I just don’t have enough time, I can never lose weight, I just need to make more money, I just need to find a new job.

Those thoughts are incredibly persuasive. They ask nothing of us and they allow us to make others the villain–we are simply the victim to happenstance and bad luck. Making others the problem is easy because it asks nothing of us; we just have to continue being the victim.

Instead, when we commit to telling the truth, it means we have to start exploring possibilities beyond our powerless thinking. It requires us to seek out the facts. If you don’t have enough time, consider tracking your time for a week and trying to get a better understanding of where it’s all going. The same can be said for your spending and eating habits — What are you eating every day? Where are you spending your money?

Are we living consciously and aware of all the choices we make in every day or are we operating blinding and placing the blame outside of ourselves?

If we don’t have a clear handle on the facts underlying all the drama, it’s nearly impossible to craft workable, authentic, and lasting solutions.

In this part of the process, we take back our power. We recognize where we are losing time during the day, where we are indulging in that second glass of wine because we’ve had a long day, or where we are buying random garbage on impulse because we are trying to soothe some other unhappiness. This is the part where we own our truth and take control over our lives; where we stop letting ourselves be a victim to circumstances outside of ourselves.

TAKE AUTHENTIC ACTION

Then we decide. With all the newfound knowledge this exploration has given us, what do we want to do differently? The answer may be, “nothing.” But that nothing will be a clear and conscious choice. That answer will come from a place of power and ownership.

On the other hand, the answer might be, “I don’t want to keep spending money this way….losing time on social media…moving from job to job…eating all the things when I’m unhappy.” With those realizations, we can start taking authentic action and experimenting with solutions. That is power.

When we believe we have no control over our woes, the only solution that fixes those woes is one where all the triggers change. The boss stops being a jerk, your salary increases, your metabolism suddenly changes, etc.

When everything else is the problem, the only solution is for everything else to CHANGE.

(And we all know how unlikely that is to happen.)

When we look, see, tell the truth, and take authentic action, we take back our power and start making changes within our own realm of influence.

Today, when you catch yourself wanting to indulge in inaction from a place of powerlessness, consider what it would be like to take back your power: to look, see, tell the truth, and take authentic action.

It’s your life after all, you might as well pretend you’re in control.

When we operate from our prefrontal cortex (the grown-up part of our brain that’s good at planning, strategizing, and anticipating challenges) it’s easy for us to see where change needs to happen. It’s easy for us to identify areas of our life where a new boundary would be helpful. We can look at our To Do List and the tasks that we take on and easily come up with things that we could take off our plates. Logically, this all makes sense but executing is where the battleground begins.

Once we’ve started something we have a hard time backing out. Once we’ve developed a pattern of saying “yes” we struggle to develop a new pattern. Even if we know intellectually that a new pattern will benefit everyone in the long run.

When we know that we need more “no” in our life, the only way we are going to get there is if we can deconstruct the rationale that got us to the place of overloaded to begin with. The next time someone asks you to take on an additional project or to sit on an extra board or help them through a problem, whatever it may be, we must pause in those moments and ask ourselves what rationale is driving us to accept these requests. It likely sounds something like this:

I should help

It’s the right thing to do (meaning, if I say “no” I’m not being a good person)

I don’t want to disappoint anyone

If I don’t say “yes” there will be a negative consequence (I won’t get anymore clients, I will lose out on work, people won’t trust me, people won’t like me, etc.)

All of these thoughts are incredibly persuasive in the moment. All of these thoughts are also rooted in fear. We worry that if we don’t help, others will judge us. We worry that others will think we’re not a good person or we’re not a team player. We worry that something bad will happen if we don’t follow through on all of these requests.

Sound familiar? Setting boundaries and time management is a huge part of my work with my clients. If you want to change the way you respond to requests and manage your time, grab a free consult and let’s get to work. You deserve better!

Those fear-based thoughts spring from our fight or flight brain that wants us to continue our usual routine of saying “yes” and chasing the endorphins of people pleasing. When we consider saying “no” and deviating from this pattern, our survival brain goes on the defensive. It starts offering to us all the reasons why this new approach will be catastrophic for our lives and our reputations. Knowing this, we must look at all of those fear-based thoughts and challenge them (using our prefrontal cortex).

I should help.

What does that even mean?! How do you know when you should help?! Who decides? Would everyone agree with that?

When we tell ourselves that we “should” help we often get ourselves into scenarios where we’re overloaded and we do a poor job in the end. In fact, it would be more of a service to the person making the request if we actually didn’t help because it’s possible they would find someone with more capacity who could do a better job. In other words, when you find your brain telling you that you should help the exact opposite is typically true: you should not help. Back away! Let them find someone else who will be more engaged and more available for the task.

It’s the right thing to do.

Again, says who?! What does that even? Is it right to help people when you don’t really want to? Isn’t that just dishonesty in a prettier outfit? Besides, when it comes to the “right thing” to do, shouldn’t your wants, needs, and sanity be the primary driver of those decisions?!

I don’t want to disappoint anyone.

The only way we disappoint people is when we overcommit ourselves, overextend ourselves, and do not show up in the manner that the requestor knows we can provide. When we say “yes” even though we mean “no,” we set ourselves on a clear path to likely disappoint not only the requester but other people who have similar requests already sitting on our plates.

Similarly, when we tell ourselves something bad will happen if we don’t say “yes,” it creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are likely to take on something that we don’t have capacity for and we do a bad job and create a negative consequence simply by doing a bad job and not being able to show up as our best selves. It’s a lose-lose scenario.

All of these thoughts are red flags that we are setting ourselves up to create the exact opposite result than what we’re wanting. More failure, disappointment, and chaos await us when we allow those thoughts to drive our actions.

Rather than allowing ourselves to be persuaded by these thoughts, we must remain rooted and grounded in our commitment to ourselves, our balance, and our happiness. We must reconnect with our prefrontal cortex that knows we already have enough on our plate, we’re already overextended, and some things just have to start coming off the list. Allow our prefrontal cortex to make those decisions ahead of time and go into the day knowing that any new request will be met with a simple “no”.

That is power.

That is having your own back.

That is putting yourself in a position to show up as your best self every time and ensuring that when people rely on you, you will have the time and energy to rise up and meet those expectations because you’re caring for yourself first.

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As attorneys, we are hired to advocate for our clients–why do we struggle to advocate for ourselves?

During our lives…

We learn to walk.

We learn to ride bicycles.

We learn to cook for ourselves.

We learn how to navigate new cities.

Our lives contain so many examples of how we have overcome failure to learn new things. Babies fall repeatedly as they learn how to walk. We all had a few bumps and bruises as we learn how to ride a bike without training wheels. I conducted numerous pathetic and indigestible kitchen experiments whilst learning how to cook like my mom. I nearly died the first time I drove in a big city.

When I was in high school, I moved to the state capital to work as a page in the House of Representatives. It was the first time I had lived on my own and the first time I had to learn how to navigate a big city. I remember the first few times I made a wrong turn onto downtown one way streets. Where I came from, we didn’t have one way streets! We barely even had stoplights! I wasn’t used to paying attention to those things and I quickly learned all the new rules that come with inner city driving. I didn’t give up and decide living in the city wasn’t for me. I just did it. I kept trying and learning and not letting the fear about dying in a fiery car crash keep me stuck.

But isn’t everything else in life the same way?

I often find that my clients want to stand up for themselves and advocate for what they want–better balance, more flexibility, different work, a different supervisor, etc. They struggle to work up the courage to show up and ask for what they want because it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s because they’ve had bad experiences in the past where their honest requests were met with criticism. Whatever the case may be, they struggle with the discomfort of not being good at using their voice in an authentic and vulnerable way.

What we fail to see is that we are not going to be “good” at using our voices right out of the gate.

We are going to make some wrong turns and have some experiences that might feel like driving into oncoming traffic. But that doesn’t mean we have failed. It simply means we are learning something new.

Today, commit to using your voice in a way that is authentic to you–ask for what you want, say what you mean, say “no” when you want to.

It’s not going to feel good.

You’re going to be uncomfortable.

With practice, it will get easier.

Allow yourself opportunities to learn and fine tune that skill so that in the future, when it really matters, you won’t hesitate because it will be as natural as riding a bike (or navigating one way streets).

One of the things I do with my clients is develop a plan and strategize around asking for what they want. We experiment and practice with different methods until we find an approach that works best for them. If you struggle to say “no” or ask for what you really want, invest in developing that talent. Work with me and start living in your voice (schedule a free consultation now and reconnect with your voice and your power).

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I got in the habit of ignoring most of his calls unless I had the time or was in a good space to chat with him. I would often send him brief follow-up emails —

Saw I missed your call, I’m tied up for most of the day but if you send me a note, I can get back to you between meetings.

Which is really code for: If you’re calling just to chat, I’m busy. If you’re calling for legal support, I’m available. Even when I ignored his calls, I was irritated and distracted afterwards — Why does he DO THAT?! I’m not his buddy, I’m his lawyer!! (But dealing with the peccadillos of other humans is another challenge I had to sort out later on. Another story for another time.)

I didn’t ignore his calls and incessant messaging because I didn’t like him, it was because the calls were unnecessary and inefficient. They interrupted whatever else I was working on and they didn’t further our primary goal which was to GET THE JOB DONE. Usually, he was just calling to vent or talk through something. He liked to work through things verbally. As an introvert, I do not. I believed strongly that by screening his calls, I was allowing myself the opportunity to do a better job than I would if I allowed myself to be constantly interrupted.

After a while, I started to feel guilty about constantly putting him off. My brain was badgering me: He is going to get upset with you…He is going to think you don’t care…He is going to complain about your service…He’s going to say you are always unavailable.

One day, I gave in to those nagging thoughts.

He called me. I declined the call. Then he IM’d me about 5 minutes prior to my next meeting: Give me a call when you have a second. I decided to call him. No, rather, I concluded that I should call him. So, I called him. I called him because I believed that I should and I was irritated about it. When he answered, I instantly regretted it. I was not engaged; I was defensive, abrupt, and annoyed. It was evident. After the call, I felt terrible. I was everything that I was trying not to be in that relationship!

After thinking through the exchange, I realized that acting from “should” never yields me the results that I want. Forcing myself to do things when I’m not in the right mindset, when I’m feeling rushed, or when I’m acting from a negative emotion, never drives me to act in a way that I’m proud of.

Instead, I choose to believe that no one is going to fire me for being busy and I can ask people to interact with me in a way that is most effective and efficient for me (boundaries, anyone?). People might not like this approach and people might get frustrated but I am committed to being available in a manner that allows me to show up at my best and I would rather have people frustrated with my communication approach than be frustrated with me for being a jerk.

I choose to believe that I never have to answer a call if I don’t want to.

I choose to act when I want to and not because I believe I HAVE to.

I choose not to concede my schedule and my time to anyone other than myself.

Feel like your days are at the mercy of someone else? Schedule a free consult and get support to set (and execute) better boundaries.

I anticipated the possibility that he might be put off by this approach so I scheduled regular, brief check-in meetings that provided him an opportunity to talk about whatever was moving him that day and I could anticipate that interruption. After the project concluded, the client raved to everyone in the company and at my firm about our partnership. That’s how it is supposed to work, he told everyone. Not because I was at his beck and call 24/7 but because I put in the work to show up as my best in that relationship despite my discomfort and nagging worries.

It’s not about pushing people away. It’s about honoring yourself and your needs.

It’s about being committed enough to the relationship to be honest in the moment — no, I don’t want to talk right now — so that you can show up as your best in that relationship. It’s about being so committed to the relationship that you are willing to do something unpopular. In the end, it’s about being willing to be your authentic self in all of your relationships and letting go of any other notion of how you are “supposed” to act in relationships.

In sum, when we show up authentically, relationships flourish.

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Saying, “No, ” is always an option available to us to make more time for ourselves. To make time for the things that actually matter to us. So that we can find some space and happiness. We know, logically, that if we want more time, more balance, and more peace, boundaries are part of the deal but we are reluctant to flex those muscles because we fear the consequences.

There is a difference between not knowing how to resolve a problem and being afraid to implement solutions you know exist.

When my clients consider the possibility of not responding to an email at 8:30pm on a Wednesday night, it doesn’t seem like a real option. Their brains tell them that those kinds of boundaries will get them fired, demoted, judged, and “into trouble.”

Possibly.

We set boundaries because we know what is good for us; that doesn’t mean others are going to like it.

But let’s explore that. My clients that are learning to set boundaries and say “no” continue to meet their hourly obligations to the extent those obligations are clear. They continue to do good work, often times even better work. They continue to be a team player. And with these changes their attitude and energy change dramatically as well. Is it reasonable to believe that a firm is going to fire someone performing in this manner simply because they are not willing to be a doormat, on call 24/7? It’s possible. But it’s also possible that the firm will swallow that pill even though they don’t like it.

If this resonates with you, grab a free session and commit today to start living differently.

Furthermore, when we tell ourselves that setting these boundaries, pushing back and saying “no” is going to cause us to get fired, I don’t believe that result differs from the alternative. I work with attorneys all day long, every day. Attorneys who are burnt out and unhappy. Attorneys who have implemented the rage quit or attorneys who are tap dancing on the edge of it. What I submit is this:

If we continue the path that we have historically been on, where we ignore our boundaries and forget how to say “no,” the ultimate result is that we leave. We leave burnt out, unhappy, and disillusioned, believing that practicing law is just not right for us. That path may take several years to trek but ultimately the lack of boundaries ends with a sad exit.

In contrast, we can choose a path where we speak our truth. We’re honest about our availability, we set clear boundaries and make time for what’s really important to us. If that path were to result in us being terminated, we must also ask:

Is that so much worse than the alternative?

How long do you think you could flex those “no” muscles, set boundaries, stand up for yourself, and make more time for what’s really important to you before the firm steps in and decides that they no longer want to employ you? Six months? A year? What would that time be like for you? To have more time, more balance, to have the ability to workout and spend time with your family instead of constantly feeling on the edge and on call. Wouldn’t that six months or one year of balance and peace serve you in a much better manner than those years of burnt out frustration?

The ending is the same most certainly but the person at the end of either of those journeys is absolutely not the same person. And the sacrifices each of them would make during those journeys could not be more different. The choice is yours. What do you have to lose?

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