Timelines to get married, timelines to have kids, timelines to make partner, timelines to build that book of business, timelines to remain marketable and find another job…..

These never ending timelines not only often conflict with one another but can make it nearly impossible to truly enjoy this journey through time. Recently, I have been inundated with clients overwhelmed with the idea that they are “running out of time” for one thing or another. While I fully understand the importance of setting goals and having something to work for, what does it mean when we say that we are running out of time? Does that fear drive us to soar even higher or are the results more nefarious?

As a coach, I’m a firm believer in setting goals and having something to work toward but unfortunately the side effect of having too many trophies on the horizon is that, if left unchecked, it can diminish our current experience. When we are constantly casting our gaze off into the horizon, we overlook everything around us. Suddenly everything we are currently experiencing and the life that is currently happening to us and around us pales in comparison to that ultimate goal and whatever it is we are trying to achieve before we run out of time. We are driven by some notion that once we accomplish everything on our list, life will finally make sense and our existence will matter.

Sound familiar? You are not alone. Schedule a free consult and let go of this notion of “running out of time” for good.

While we think that this push to action and achievement is benefiting us what effect does it have on the remainder of our lives? If that goal itself comprises something in the distance, a mere fraction of our lifetime, that means that the remaining 99% of our lives are spent with that singular focus — the majority of our lives are spent disconnected from our current, lesser, existence and focusing on something we believe is bigger and brighter in the future.

Whenever I allow myself to think I’m running out of time, I feel this tightness in my chest and anxiety rising within my body. As if something bad is going to happen if I don’t get to work and start executing on some lofty goal. It’s this idea that I’m wasting my life that I should be doing more. That absent some future accomplishment my current existence is unworthy and my life will be a waste. From that space, I act franticly and quickly, trying to cram it all in. Nothing good comes from operating in that space other than a total meltdown burnout, in which case,

I REALLY do lose all that time I was worrying about, creating the exact result I was trying to avoid!

We talk a lot in coaching about being worthy and how that worthiness fits into context with our goals. Ultimately, the goal is never the point of the exercise but rather who we become in pursuit of those goals is the point. That ultimate goal, that accomplishment or achievement is never going to suddenly swoop in and make us experience all the worthiness that we’ve been chasing.

Rather, as many of us experience, once we achieve that goal those feelings of unworthiness and needing something more simply continue. That is the pattern that we practice when we let the ultimate goal have more value than it should — when we value the goal more than the journey. In that space, we are in essence doing exactly what we were trying to avoid: we are running out of time to enjoy the journey of life, we are running out of time to look around and witness our own evolution; sacrificing 99% of life in exchange for those blips of accomplishment.

Whatever we are striving for and worrying that we’re running out of time to accomplish, that thing will never bring us the happiness, peace, and feelings of worthiness that we think it will. Instead we must cultivate feelings of gratitude, worthiness, and success now so that when we achieve that one thing we are already skilled at appreciating it and understanding our worthiness already. From that space, the accomplishment loses its power and we are able to live in our value every step of the way and be thankful for all the gifts that we have in every moment.

If you don’t cultivate your belief in your worthiness along every step of your journey, no accomplishment will suddenly change that.

Whenever you find yourself thinking and worrying “I’m running out of time,” see it as a red flag that you are chasing some type of emotion or some external thing to make you feel a certain way. It is a sign that you are not truly living your life in the moment but rather casting your life forward to some unseen hands of fate. (Besides no one ever achieves their goals from a space of unworthiness, fear, and lack.) Whatever goal you’re seeking, pursue it for the sake of the pursuit. Pursue it so that you can practice believing in your own value every step of the way, in the face of every challenge. THAT is the only way to truly succeed. Achieving from any other place will only leave you feeling empty.

We all want to be more confident and when we think about our ideal selves, that woman lives in a bubble of quiet confidence. She is never afraid to speak her mind and she trusts her ability to do anything. So, if our work together is to help you move one step closer to that ideal version of yourself, the next question invariably is:

How do I get there?

How do we build self-confidence?

We have to practice failing.

Stay with me here….as attorneys and women who excel at examining options and weighing risks, many of us struggle with action. We thrive when we are planning and analyzing. We excel at PREPARING to act. The problem is that we don’t have any clear metric as to when our preparations are complete and it’s time to act.

How will you know when you have fully vetted all the alternatives? How will you know when it’s time to act?

The truth is we don’t. We never do. And that is why it’s so easy to remain stuck–stuck planning to act but never actually doing anything.

All action must acquiesce to the truth that there is no such thing as being fully prepared.

There is no way to ensure success. We must simply act. Only through acting will we ever know if our preparations were in vain. Only through acting will we see whether we overlooked anything. But many of us get stuck in the faulty belief that we aren’t “ready yet.” We tell ourselves we have more work to do, more data elements to analyze. So we just keep preparing. And. We. Never. Move. Forward.

My rationale for drawing out that point is simple:

If we want to build self-confidence we have to start acting and stop preparing.

We have to start acting even when we might not be 110% ready. Why? Because only through acting do we force ourselves to experience the pressures that create self-confidence. When we are stuck in inaction, we never get the chance to really see how we perform under fire. We are so busy believing that we must do it “right” that we don’t allow ourselves the chance to simply TRY.

Passive action robs us of the opportunity to develop confidence through action.

When we act and fail, we might experience embarrassment, shame, or guilt. But when we commit to continued action despite those failures and the crappy feelings, that is where we build self-confidence. Self-confidence doesn’t mean we never fail. Self-confidence means that we know we can fail and get back up and keep going.

Self-confidence means that we trust that we can experience any emotion and keep moving.

We trust in our ability to handle whatever fallout may come our way. Self-confidence acknowledges that we have a goal and we are going to start taking action to get there, no matter how many times we have to face-plant on the way. Self-confidence means that we aren’t going to sit and wait and plot and plan until we can do it perfectly–because we trust in our ability to have compassion for ourselves and keep moving even when it doesn’t go perfectly.

When we know that failure simply means one of our theories didn’t pan out we can keep moving. It doesn’t mean we did anything wrong. That is self-confidence. We trust ourselves, despite the failure.

You aren’t going to grow self-confidence in your analytical lab.

You aren’t going to create self-confidence strategizing and planning. You will only create self-confidence when you put a time limit on the passive action and get out and start taking massive action. Stop with the planning and start practicing at failure. Once you master that, you will have all the self-confidence you could ever imagine.

Self-confidence is one of the most highly sought after skills my clients want. I have so many ways I support my clients to get out there and get moving. The transformation I see in them is why I do this work. If self-confidence is something you want, let’s get you some free coaching and see what we can do together.

Cheers!

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How do you know….

When it’s time to quit your job

When it’s time to find a new firm

When it’s time to ask for a divorce

When it’s time to change professions

When faced with these questions from clients, we work through a three step process:

myths, justifications, and so whats

The myth: there is no predestined “right time” that must be known before we can make big decisions.

What is the benefit of that line of thinking?

It’s like handing your life over to some unknown scheduler, hoping that they will let you know when you can move on. It assumes that there will be a time when the change you are questioning will be easy. It also assumes there will be a time when you can act without any fear or reservation.

Instead, this wait and see approach simply keeps you stuck. It keeps you in the safe familiar. It justifies your unwillingness to do the scary thing and gives you an excuse for not taking control over your life: “It just doesn’t feel like the right time.”

In my experience, those of us that wait to find some certainty that the time is finally “right” to make that big decision only end up getting beat over the head with their own truth.

The truth that they have known all along but that they kept ignoring, waiting for a “sign” that it was the perfect time to act. When we ignore those inklings that we need to make a change and we tell ourselves that we need to wait for the “right time,” life typically just turns up the volume and makes that truth harder to ignore.

You knew the right decision already but you allowed fear to convince yourself that you needed to wait for the right time.

There is no “right time.” If you feel driven or called to do something or make a change, pay attention to those urges. They will not go away. They will just get louder and the messaging typically becomes more painful (so that you cannot ignore it).

The one person that we should innately trust, who always has our back, is ourselves. Why do we ignore her so often and listen to others whose intentions are not always so benevolent? In order to build the life of your dreams, you have to start trusting yourself.

The only person who will join you for every step of the journey is yourself.

So, you might as well start giving her a seat at the table.

The justifications. When we are trying to weigh important decisions, the most important question to ask yourself is “why” do I want to do this. Next, we ask ourselves if we like our reasoning.

It’s that simple.

If your reason for wanting to leave your job is because “It’s too hard…I don’t think I’m cut out for it…I’m not happy here” you have to as yourself if you like that reasoning. Do you feel good about that explanation?

For many of us, these types of justifications are at the root of a lot of decisions. Things get hard. Life will challenge you to grow. These justifications are all based in some sort of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear that you made a mistake.

Furthermore, these types of justifications give away all your power–you imply that your job should give you some sort of happiness. (In case you missed it, happiness is no one’s job but yours.)

You are free to allow yourself to make decisions based upon these justifications, that is wholly your right. But my question is: Do you like your reasons? Do you feel good about your justification?

Be honest with yourself about why you are wanting to do (or not do) something and carefully examine your justification.

So long as you like your reason, you have everything you need to act. From there you simply make a decision and execute. No drama. Just action from a place of authenticity. Simple.

The so whats.

This is the part of the process where we tackle the fear that is keeping us stuck. When we eliminate the drama and get clear about our justifications for acting, the only thing that will keep us from executing is fear. In order to act, we have to take a look at that fear.

If you act and you make the “wrong” decision, so what?

Answering that question will ultimately bring you face to face with your worst case scenario. When we ask “so what?” over and over and over again, we eventually get to the root of the fear:

I don’t want people to think I’m a failure…because then I will believe I have failed.

I don’t want to be embarrassed…because it will mean I have messed up.

I don’t want to admit I was wrong…because it will mean I’m less than.

Facing our worst case scenarios and developing a strategy where we not only survive but THRIVE through those events will dispel the fear that is keeping us from acting.

If we know that we can make a decision, fail, and handle the consequences, there is no longer anything to be  afraid of. There is no longer any reason NOT to act.

Don’t let your brain tell you that you can’t handle your worst case scenario. Believing that will keep you stuck indefinitely.

Don’t make your life a merry-go-round of boring and fear-driven decisions. What would your future self tell you to do?

Interested in some free support in making your next big decision? I got you. Sign up today before this week’s spots are gone.

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As attorneys, we can become so paranoid about making a mistake that we put a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves. Our minds are filled with nonstop nasty chatter:

Don’t make another mistake

You have to get this right

This has to be perfect this time

You can’t miss anything this time

They all think you are an idiot

Maybe you shouldn’t have become a lawyer

You don’t have what it takes

Not only are you frustrated over the last mistake but now all that noise makes it even more difficult to focus and do a good job.

As a partner, I always knew when an associate was spinning in this fear. They were taking longer to do everything. They were agonizing over the smallest details. The result of all their mental berating was that they usually ended up missing the big picture and billing a ton of time in the process. What’s more, those associates rarely reached out for help before they got too deep. It was incredibility frustrating.

When you spin in self-doubt, self-judgment and pressure to do everything perfectly, you are demonstrating to those around you that you have some doubts about your ability to do it right. When you allow one mistake to send you into a tailspin, it makes it difficult for those around you to have confidence that you believe in your abilities; that you can handle feedback or that you can operate under pressure.

What’s more, that self-doubt spiral convinces you that you can’t reach out and ask questions for fear that it will affirm to others that you DON’T know what you are doing. You end up going down rabbit holes and over-analyzing the wrong details. Ultimately, everyone’s time is wasted and the project drags on.

How’s that working out for your work relationships or your confidence?

It is a never-ending death spiral of self-fulfilling prophecies.

What’s so interesting to me is that below the surface of all these thoughts and pressure is the belief that this path was easier for everyone else. That others didn’t struggle as much as you are.

Why are you choosing to believe that your struggles are special?

Why are you allowing your growth and development to be a sign that you are broken?

Consider the possibility that those around you similarly struggled. You don’t know that they didn’t yet you are CHOOSING to believe that is the case.

At this point in your career, I think we can ALL agree that law school doesn’t teach you how to be a lawyer. Your legal education was no different than anyone else’s. All attorneys wander the morass and confusion fog for YEARS before it clicks. You are not special in this regard!

The root of all those self-doubts and mistake spirals is the ultimate fear of failure. Below each overworked project and overly analyzed email is the fear of what it means when you make a mistake. And further, what it means if you keep making mistakes:

You can’t hack it.

You weren’t meant to be an attorney.

You made a mistake.

You shouldn’t be here.

That sneaky little worry is bubbling below the surface of all of those self conscious acts. You are afraid that those mistakes, when taken in total, are an indication that you can’t do this. From there, you build up these crazy expectations of perfection and try to think clearly and rationally from a place of frenzied panic and tremendous pressure.

It’s no wonder you keep making mistakes! How the hell are you supposed to do a good job when all you are thinking about is how you aren’t doing a good job? It’s madness!

Perfectionism is for scared people.

Repeat that phrase. Live it. Breathe it. Believe it.

When you try to mold yourself into some perfect “out-of-the-box” ready to perform, legal wizard you are setting yourself up for failure.

Law school does not prepare you to practice law. Welcome to the first phase of your life where there are no clear guidelines, metrics are fuzzy, and you have to just start trusting that you are doing it right.

Stop beating yourself up for signing up for the “on site” education that is the practice of law. That is how it works. Allow yourself to experience the process of learning on the job just like every associate attorney on the planet.

One small mistake does not mean that you are not cut out to be a lawyer. Do not let that mistake stoke the fires of fear and propel you into a frenzy.

You are a human. You will mess up.

Welcome to the party.

You want to do a good job and you want to improve and that is commendable. But first, you must do a good job for yourself. Honor the process of on-the-job development. Recognize that you don’t know it all and THAT IS OKAY. No one does.

Second, ditch your ridiculous expectations for yourself and get to work learning how to trust yourself and your judgment despite some bumps in the road.

Besides, what’s the alternative?

Where is all this worrying and fear getting you? What does it hurt to loosen up a bit and just keep rolling with the punches and using each mistake as a learning opportunity? An opportunity to honor yourself, have your own back, and learn.

The only thing you are learning when you continually run the cycle of negative self-talk is how to treat yourself terribly.

There isn’t room for much more and there certainly isn’t room left for growth. Recognize where your current patterns are leading you and decide if that is what you want. The choice is yours.

I help my clients get more confidence, roll with the punches, and have some compassion for themselves. Sound like something your practice is missing? Get some free support now and see what we can do together.

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I recently worked with a client who was hesitant to promote her new practice group. She had a marketing plan but wasn’t executing. She had marketing materials but she wasn’t distributing them. Why?

During our session, we discovered that she was afraid that people who received her marketing materials would judge her. That they wouldn’t like her. That they would think she wasn’t qualified.

We’ve all been there. That junior high fear of not being liked. We never seem to shake it!

The opposite side of that coin is the closely held belief that it’s important for other people to like you. It’s important not to be judged by others.

That belief keeps so many of us like my client paralyzed.

It is not possible to go through this life and have every human you encounter like you. Test this theory. Think of someone you think is unimpeachable. Run some Google searches to seek out their critics. You will be amazed. (I conducted this experiment with Mother Teresa. Yep, she had her haters too.)

You will always have people in your life who are going to judge you.

Get over it.

Move on.

When you cling to the belief that it’s important for other people to enjoy your lovely persona and appreciate everything you have to offer, you are setting yourself up for failure.

Every single person in your life is going to have a different notion of how you are supposed to act, what you are supposed to say,  and how you are supposed to spend your time. Those expectations will conflict. There is no way to meet everyone’s expectations of you.

Pleasing everyone is an impossibility; yet we secretly hope that everyone will like us.

The real question is my favorite: SO WHAT? So what if people don’t like you?

The “so what” in this story is really what is at the heart of this matter. When you ask yourself these questions, what you will likely discover is that it’s related to some thought about your worthiness.

We believe that if people don’t like you or if people judge you, it must be because something is wrong with you. It’s confirmation that you are doing it wrong.

There is part of you that wants to agree with them — they are right in their judgment and you are a failure.

When you place your worthiness in the hands of other people and the whims of their likes and dislikes, you are signing up for a course in misery. Why would you give those people all the power? I’m sure there are people in your life that you don’t really like and you don’t really trust but you are allowing their sentiment about you to dictate whether you believe there is something wrong with you.

Do you really want to give them all that power?

Or anyone for that matter?!

Besides, what does it even mean that “there’s something wrong” with you?

Who decides?

How do we know?

Who decides what is “right” about you?

You are subscribing to some undefinable standard and allowing other humans to decide whether you are worthy.

Those thoughts are not serving you. They keep you playing small.

When you transition your perspective to a belief that the only person who decides your worthiness is you, it becomes so much easier to start taking action.

Rip the worthiness metric out of the hands of your haters.

You are enough. Just as you are. How someone else perceives you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

You can’t control the humans; you have to stop living your life in a manner where you are trying to manipulate their thoughts about you.

You will not be everyone’s cup of tea. And. That. Is. Okay. That is how it works. It doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you.

In this life, people will judge you and criticize you. You always have a choice as to what you make that mean about yourself and your values. Stop making their words mean something negative about your abilities or value. That approach is never going to serve you or your career.

Your beliefs about yourself will either help you build the career of your dreams or they will help you crash and burn.

The choice is yours.

As part of my 6-week programs, I dedicate time specifically to the beliefs we carry about ourselves and how they impact our actions. Curious? Sign up for a free coaching consultation now before they are gone.

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Indecision has so much to teach us about ourselves and, particularly, our fears.

How do we move out of indecision? Recognize the tunnel vision and get some perspective.

Many of us have struggled with decision paralysis from time to time because we put these decisions on a pedestal.

We allow them to loom ahead of us like giant crossroads in our lives. In order to move forward you have to separate from the facts from your primitive-brain-thinking.

In my client’s situation, the facts were that she was giving a presentation at a seminar in three weeks and she hadn’t yet picked a topic. Pretty non-threatening.

BUT, in light of those facts, her brain was explaining

You have to pick a good topic or people won’t want to work with you.

If you pick a topic you don’t know EVERYTHING about, you are going to get stumped in the Q&A and people will think you don’t know what you are talking about.

If you pick a topic that is too easy, no one will listen to you and they will think you don’t know anything useful.

All the important partners will be there and they will be measuring you up.

This is a huge opportunity for you to make a name for yourself.

None of those juicy dramas were factual. They were all totally optional choices. Sentences in her head. Sentences that were making her anxious, nervous, and scared.

In order to move out of indecision, you have to first recognize the thoughts you are choosing as just that: thoughts.

Focus on the facts of the situation and examine how else you could be thinking about them.

For this client, alternative thoughts included: This is a great opportunity for me. This is going to make me a better speaker. I can handle any question with grace even if I don’t know the answer. It’s okay to be nervous, this is not supposed to be easy.

While, pretty thoughts can be useful to shift your energy, they ONLY work if you if examine what’s really going on below the surface.

Indecision is fueled by the fear of making the wrong choice. You can’t move forward until you examine and address that worst case scenario.

Whenever, we are avoiding a decision it’s because we have convinced ourselves that there is a right and wrong path ahead of us and if we choose the wrong one, our world will fall apart. In my client’s case, she was worried that if she picked the wrong topic, the audience Q&A would stump her and everyone would think she was dumb.

Your worst case scenario fears are comprised of two things:

Obstacles that you can anticipate and negative self-talk.

When we are afraid of making the wrong decision, it is because of what we will make it mean about ourselves if things don’t pan out how we hoped.

We allow our brains to convince us that if we make the wrong decision it proves something negative about ourselves: we aren’t good enough, we aren’t smart enough, we can’t do this, this will never work out, etc.

Those thoughts feel terrible: shame, guilt, fear, worry, doubt, all come crashing down when we spin in those sentences.

But what if we decided that when things don’t go the way we hope, we won’t make it mean something negative about ourselves?

What if we decided to have our back in the future?

Recognize that when we make choices, we are doing our best in the moment and that sometimes things don’t work out the way you hoped. No big deal. It doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy. It doesn’t mean you are a failure. It could simply mean that you are figuring things out. That it was just another step on your path.

If we can commit to not beating ourselves up if our decisions don’t pan out the way we want to, then there is nothing to be afraid of.

If we make the wrong decision, we can keep moving. We don’t have to believe that the wrong decision means something bad about our ability.

Once you commit to having your own back in the future, the pressure and weight of these current decisions goes away. You can make a decision and know that whether it pans out or not, it has nothing to do with your skills. It’s just part of the process.

From that space, everything else is simply an obstacle to overcome.

For my client, we strategized how she could handle questions from the audience when she didn’t know the answer. We talked through how she could think about that kind of an experience from a place of humility and curiosity as opposed to perfection-seeking.

When you find yourself stuck in indecision, force yourself to examine the worst case scenario. What comes up for you? What negative self-talk do you indulge in when things don’t pan out?

If you can plan to treat yourself kindly if things don’t work out, indecision loses its foothold. It stops being scary because you remove the negative consequences.

Everything else is just planning. Identify potential obstacles that might come from the decision and develop strategies ahead of time.

Don’t let your brain tell you the sky is falling. Tell your brain to get to work figuring out how to handle the sky when it wants to fall.

Don’t allow indecision to take the wind out of your sails. Look at the indecision, it has so much to show you!

Need support making a big decision? I reserve three spots each week for FREE mini-sessions with me. Bring your big decision or latest struggle and let’s get you back on track. Sign up now before this week’s spots are gone.

Everything we do is because of how we think it will make us feel.

Everything we don’t do is because of a feeling we are trying to avoid.

We don’t quit that toxic job because we don’t want to experience the negative emotions that might result–fear, confusion, doubt, embarrassment. We don’t leave bad relationships because we want to avoid the fallout–loneliness, remorse, regret, sadness. We want that big firm job because we think it will make us feel happy, confident, worthy, respected. We want a partner in life because we think it will make us happy.

Everything we do in this life is because we are chasing some emotion.

We are chasing the vibes.

Fortunately, all of our emotions are generated by thoughts. They are not implanted into us when we quit our jobs, get married, or blow a huge presentation.

They are created by the thoughts we have when those things happen. Thoughts that we are worthy, NOT worthy, a failure, we are good enough, etc.

How amazing is it to truly own our power and our ability create any emotion in this very moment?!

Unfortunately, we are so much better at generating negative emotions (hello, negativity bias, thanks, biology)! Our brains are incredibly skilled at thinking negative thoughts that create negative emotions.

Want to feel sad? Start thinking about that friend/relative/dog you lost and how much you miss them. I miss their laugh, I miss the funny messages they would send on my birthday, I miss their companionship.

What to feel inadequate? Think about that time you botched that big presentation in college/high school/law school. Think about that time you totally blew that important deadline, forgot your mom’s birthday, got fired, got overlooked for a promotion you really wanted.

If we tell our brain to get to thinking about our inadequacy, it will get to work coming up with all sorts of evidence to demonstrate that you are, in fact, inadequate.

Whenever you choose to allow a thought into your head, you are giving your brain instructions to invest energy in that thought. Dear brain, today, we are going to chew on the thought, “I can’t do this” so please start explaining to me why that is true.

Realizing this alone, can transform your life.

If spend any ounce of energy thinking I will never lose weight, I don’t know how to do XYZ, I will never make a million dollars, I can’t get that job, I will never make partner, you are setting yourself up for failure. You hired a mercenary (your brain) to sabotage your dreams. If thoughts were fuel that could propel you toward your dream, you just dumped chocolate syrup in your gas tank.

That fuel will only take you to the land of lost dreams.

When you allow dis-empowering thoughts to entertain your brain, you block your innate wisdom.

Any energy your brain could have spent showing you how you could lose weight, how you know more than you think, how you could make more money, how you could totally get that job, make partner, and live the life of your dreams, is lost.

Instead of putting your brain to work showing you how much wisdom, talent, skill, and power you currently have, you allow your brain to provide you with a bunch of BS and you send it off to run the motions that keep you stuck.

The next time you catch yourself chewing on some disempowering thoughts, consider what it would be like to believe the opposite. To allow your mind some space to get to work showing you something new.

I can figure out how to lose weight

I can figure out how to do it

I know how to make money and I can learn how to make more

I am qualified for that job

I can absolutely make partner

Empowering thoughts allow you to access your innate wisdom.

Empowering thoughts allow you to examine whether those ugly thoughts are actually true. After all, they are only true if you choose to make them true.

The next time you think I don’t know how to…. Stop and ask your brain If I did know how to do this, what would I do first? …… You will be amazed at what your brain will offer you.

What type of fuel are you choosing to create the life of your dreams?

Whenever you are ready to take this work to the next level, join me in one of my 6-week programs that will show you how to create more happiness in your life, how to find balance, and how to start creating the life of your dreams. Sign up here.

• Controlling
• Supporting
• Promoting
• Analyzing

I ultimately found myself classified somewhere between Analyzing and Supporting. I was a good planner, thorough and organized but I was also equally relationship-oriented, understanding and empathetic.

After we had all been categorized, sorted, branded and shamed for our shortcomings, we started going through exercises to examine how our personality types interacted with those in the other categories. At one point, the group was asked to “guess” where they thought each other should be classified. This was a bit of an odd task given that most of us didn’t really know each other that well. For the most part, we only had a general sense of each other’s occupation and role within the company. Not surprisingly, the fact that everyone knew I was an attorney resulted in me being classified as Controlling by those peers. It was not surprising to me as I too would imagine that most lawyers demonstrate various aspects of the Controlling personality which was described as taking charge, decisive and bottom-line focused. Made sense to me despite the fact that, like all professions, attorneys come from all walks of life and personality styles. While I could certainly flex those skills when needed, it wasn’t where I really wanted to live 24/7.

As part of the process, I started categorizing the people in the my life — the good and the bad. I imagined the people in my life who had challenged me professionally and I categorized them too. I found some interesting patterns. Oddly enough, everyone in my life with whom I had significant professional struggles fell into the category of Controlling. As I read further through the description of the Controlling personality, a few things struck me.

Controlling personalities tend to be impatient, too dominant, insensitive, demanding and unwilling to let go.

In contrast, one of the drawbacks of a Supporting personality (e.g., me!) is that they struggle dealing with critical or aggressive people. I sat there dumbfounded. I could not believe the intersection of those personalities! It’s no wonder that I struggled so much in my past with those people. We were literally oil and water and our drawbacks triggered the others’. Our communications styles are dramatically different and our weaknesses just inflame each other.

I spent the evening really working through this realization and examining how this knowledge could have changed things for me in my past. Knowing that these individuals were simply acting in accordance with their dominant personality characteristics could have helped me disconnect from their aggression, demands, and insensitivities. These people were not singling me out for this treatment and it had no bearing whatsoever on me or my value. The problem was that I had allowed myself to believe that their aggression and antics were about me.

I made it all mean that I was something lesser, that I was an idiot, that they didn’t like me, they didn’t respect me, they didn’t think I was good enough, etc.

I was miserable because I interpreted this behavior as something negative about myself. At the time, I couldn’t help but believe it was all about me.

The problem was that I had allowed myself to believe that their aggression and antics were about me. I made it all mean that I was something lesser, that I was an idiot, that they didn’t like me, they didn’t respect me, they didn’t think I was good enough, etc. I was miserable because I interpreted this behavior as something negative about myself. At the time, I couldn’t help but believe it was all about me.

In the end, it all comes down to our thoughts and how we interpret the situations and the people in our lives. However, it doesn’t hurt to have a little science behind that awareness and appreciate the fact that we all have different personality tendencies that will drive our behaviors. It’s just one more reason to affirm to yourself every day that the actions and words of others have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person. The only thing that truly matters is:

What are you making it mean?

As an attorney, I am no stranger to difficult personalities. In my coaching work I have honed the skills to work through our issues with others to truly turn the corner and stop making it all about us. Coach with me and let me show you how.