As we approach the beginning of this holiday season (and one on the back of an election, 😳!), I can’t help but think about families. Whether they are family by choice or family by default, we all have groups of people in our lives whom we love and are thankful for. Yet, despite all that gratitude, these same people often know exactly how to push our buttons. How can we better connect with these humans who sometimes make it difficult to be kind? Let’s talk about navigating family drama, holiday chaos, and a simple tool to help along the way.
First, Let’s Expect the Unexpected (or Expected)
You might already be bracing for certain moments: your aunt asking you—again—why you’re still single, your cousin pressing you for divorce advice even though you’re a tax attorney, or your mom making a subtle comment about skipping the bread pudding. Rather than hoping that this year will be different, expect these things to happen. It sounds counterintuitive, but stay with me.
These family members are who they are, and rarely will they morph into the people we want them to be. By expecting them to show up exactly as they always do, you can release the hope that this time will be different—and in doing so, you’ll reduce disappointment and preempt a lot of drama.
Doing so will also allow you the time and space to do your own work–accepting the person as they are and mourning any ideas you may be harboring about who the person or relationship could have been or should have been. Anger is the first stage of the grieving process and the sooner we stop being angry when the people we love aren’t “better” than they are, we can get on to emotionally processing that those relationships may never be what we want them to be. To do so, we have to stop expecting them to be different, stop being angry when they aren’t different, and move on to the next stage of processing/grieving.
Check Your Mood Elevator
The Mood Elevator is a concept developed by business consultant and author Larry Senn, designed to help individuals understand and manage their emotions. It is often represented as a metaphorical “elevator” that moves up and down, depending on your mood and emotional state. At the top of the Mood Elevator, you have positive, high-energy emotions like:
- Love
- Gratitude
- Creativity
- Humor
- Patience
- Curiosity
As the elevator descends, you encounter lower-energy, more negative emotions like:
- Irritation
- Impatience
- Worry
- Frustration
- Anger
- Depression
- Hopelessness
The idea behind the Mood Elevator is that, by recognizing which “floor” you’re on at any given moment, you can become more aware of your emotional state. This awareness helps you make better decisions, communicate more effectively, and improve your overall well-being. The goal isn’t necessarily to stay at the top of the elevator all the time but to recognize when you’re descending and develop strategies to move back up into more productive emotional states. It encourages self-awareness, emotional regulation, and intentional thinking.
Understanding your position on the Mood Elevator can improve how you navigate stressful situations, communicate with others, and handle decision-making.
Before you engage with that challenging family member, ask yourself: Where am I on my Mood Elevator? If you’re already feeling annoyed or defensive, you’re operating from a low level, which only fuels conflict. But if you can move yourself higher up the elevator—toward curiosity, for instance—you’ll approach those inevitable family triggers with a different mindset. If curiosity isn’t accessible to you, consider taking a break and removing yourself from the situation (more on this later).
Curiosity Over Judgment
For many of us, curiosity is the fulcrum emotion that can help us transition from the lower level energies to a higher level frequency. For instance, can you access curiosity about why they’re acting that way, rather than just being irritated by it? When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to slip into judgment—Why can’t they just let me live my life? But what if, instead, you approached those moments with genuine curiosity? Instead of resenting your aunt’s question about your love life, wonder about her thought process. Why does she think this is so important? What might she be worried about?
Curiosity is a game-changer. It helps you step out of your own bubble and consider someone else’s perspective. And when we engage with curiosity, we move up the Mood Elevator—out of frustration and into empathy. This simple shift can open the door to deeper understanding and kinder conversations.
Consider How You Want Others to Change
Here’s another reality: just as your family members have opinions about how you should be, you probably have ideas about how they should be too. Maybe your grandmother wishes you were married, your brother wants you to be friendlier to his wife, or your mom wishes you’d stop getting tattoos. It bothers you when they judge you, but we also we have all sorts of ideas about how they should be different. Imagine how much more peaceful things would be if everyone could just be themselves—including you. You don’t want to be judged, so why judge them? This holiday season, you have the power to be the love and compassion you seek. When your mom makes that bread pudding comment, instead of rolling your eyes or getting defensive, you could think, She’s coming from a place of concern, even if it doesn’t land that way for me.
Managing Emotions: Take a Step Back
Let’s be honest: family gatherings can stir up a lot of emotions, and when you’re riding low on the Mood Elevator, it’s easy to overreact. Recognizing when you need a break is crucial. If you feel yourself getting triggered, step outside, take a deep breath, or even excuse yourself for a few minutes. This small pause can help you manage your emotions before they spiral out of control.
Mindfulness practices—such as focusing on your breath or taking a few minutes to ground yourself—can help you stay present and avoid letting emotions dictate your responses.
Setting Expectations and Boundaries
Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others—they’re about protecting your own emotional well-being. If you know that certain conversations or situations will stress you out, it’s okay to set clear boundaries. For instance, if your cousin always brings up sensitive topics, you can kindly say, “I’d rather not talk about that today, let’s focus on catching up.”
At the same time, give yourself permission to disengage from topics that lead to frustration. Boundaries help prevent unnecessary tension and keep you in a healthier emotional state.
Letting Go of Control
Ultimately, people will be who they are, and we can’t control that. What we can control is how we choose to respond. As humans, we’re naturally wired to want things to go a certain way—especially during the holidays when emotions are heightened. But what would it be like if, instead of trying to make everyone behave the way you want, you let go of that control?
This holiday, let’s make a conscious effort to show up as we are, and let others do the same—warts and all.
Embrace Empathy and Compassion
Imagine if you chose not to make their comments mean anything about you and you didn’t let their judgments—spoken or unspoken—define you or impact your mood. You decided, instead, to focus on your own emotional well-being and let the small stuff slide.
When you shift your perspective, when you rise up on the Mood Elevator by choosing curiosity, empathy, and compassion, you open the door to better connection. You can choose to see your mom’s bread pudding comment as her love language, even if it’s a little misplaced. You can see your cousin’s incessant questions as his way of seeking connection, even if it annoys you.
The more you lean into curiosity and empathy, the easier it becomes to navigate family dynamics without losing yourself in frustration or resentment.
Cheers to a Peaceful Holiday Season
This holiday season, I challenge you to shift your approach. Expect your family members to be who they are, use curiosity to understand them, and let go of the need for them to change. Ride higher on the Mood Elevator toward understanding, compassion, and connection. And, most importantly, give yourself and others the gift of acceptance.
Cheers, my friends—I’m thankful for all of you, and wishing you a Thanksgiving season filled with peace, joy, and a little extra curiosity!
If you are struggling with difficult humans in your orbit, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule a free coaching consultation and get some free support today!
